15 November 2003/Transcript
R: Retro cut there, Thin Lizzy, Don’t Believe a Word. On Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervay, with me, Steve Merchant, Bobbity Boo! Who’s that over there? It’s Karly Pilkboids!
S: (laughs), Oh that’s classic.
R: You all right, Karl? How’re ya doing? C’mon – up! Up! Bigabagadoo! Pro-ject! Project! There’s people out there wanting to, you know, cheer up their Saturday afternoons. We’re the boys for it, yeah? We’re like quick-quick fitters.
S: All right, Karl?
R and S: Come onnn!
K: I’m all right! I’m up for it!
S: That’s it, this is the height of excitement?!
R: This is it is it? This is you off your head, is it? High on life.
S: (laughs)
R: Christ. What did Suzanne say about you saying about her big ass?
K: Aw. She, she heard about it.
R: Go on.
S: Should we recap what happened last week?
R: Well, the week before, he uh said that her haircut looked like Dave Hill from Slade, she didn’t like that. … A bit grumpy, he went, ‘Yeah, Don’t mention her fat ass’, still thinking she wouldn’t hear about this. What happened when you went home?
K: She heard about that off a mate, and we sorted it out, and I didn’t have to buy her anything, I just sort of said, ‘Come on, that’s what the show’s about, stop moaning.’ That was all right until about Thursday, when I was reading about, uh, do you know like they say there’s two worlds and that? And whatever I’m doing here, there’s another one of me doing the same?
R: Yeah.
S: Well, he’s probably taking some time off. Probably having a week off.
R: Yeah. Go on.
K: But I was just talkin about that, and she was sayin, ‘Naw, that doesn’t happen.’ And I said, ‘Well, they definitely won’t have a haircut like yours.’ And that sort of started the, the argument again.
R: Yeah, it’s almost like you haven’t learnt your lesson. Also, it’s like you’re talking about it again on air, almost, in a way. So her mates can hear it again. Very short learning curve. You know what? Karl, if there was a, if I cut a hole in a, in a box, and you knew there was an orange in there, right, and you put your hand in, would you be stuck there trying to get that orange out, do you think? Or would you just like, let it go and sort of tip of over to get your hand out?
K: What do you mean?
R: (laughs)
S: I think that answers your question. Is that a cardboard box on your hand, Karl?
R: (laughs)
S: So is there any other things you want to critize Suzanne for, while we’re on air? Anything else? Anything that’s been niggling, that you feel you should get off your chest?
K: Ehhhh….
S: The hair, the arse …
K: Naw, Leave it.
S: Everything else is fine.
R: Leave it. I think so. That’s good. I think leave it. Well done.
S: Now can we just check, what, uh, are the big Karl Features that you’ve got today? Have we got Monkey News?
K: Got Monkey News comin’ up, yeah. Got a bit of, uh, got Rockbusters, and uh, the Film Thing ..
S: Still not got a name.
R: (laughs) Yeah.
K: Just me in a film and that and uh, this week, we’re digging out the old, one I’m in, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, brilliant film.
R: Yeah, brilliant film. It was my favorite film until I saw Godfather.
K: Better than that.
R: Well, yeah, some would say that, yeah.
K: No, it is. The storyline is more interesting.
R: I didn’t know there was an actual answer. So-sorry, what’s best?
K: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest—
R: Is it? OK. All right. Where, where’s Godfather, ‘cause I want to know, so I don’t embarrass myself.
K: Uh –
R: Is it my 4th favourite film, er-
K: Prob’ly about 5th.
R: My 5th favourite film, is it? Brilliant.
S: Talkin’ of lists,
R: I suppose I like Kez and The Elephant Man, do I?
K: Do ya?
R: (laughs)
S: Lists, Rick, I don’t know if you saw in the paper, I think it’s on TV this evening, it’s, uh, as voted for by viewers of VH-1, the music channel, they’ve basically come up with a list of the Greatest Pop Culture Icons, uh, ever. Uh, there’s 100.
R: Where’s Elvis?
S: So Elvis is at number 3.
R: Jimmy Dean in there?
S: James Dean is in there, I think he’s a bit lower. Uh, let me see he’s at number 21-2. Number 22. We’ve got David Beckham at number 1.
R: Ah, well, ok, then so – Robbie Williams is in there, so it’s it’s British bias?
S: Robbie Williams is in there, yeah, he’s just below Abba.
R: OK.
S: But, interestingly, this is of interest to you, I think, number 66 …
R: Yeah?
S: The Office.
R: That’s all right.
S: Well, it is, Rick, it’s nice that the show is in there and that, that’s a very flattering thing. I’ll tell ya what cheapens it, I’ll tell ya what undermines it, the things that are lower in the list than the show.
R: Oh God, so we’ve beaten –
S: Well –
R: Go on –
S: I’ll give ya a little test. Higher or lower, do you think this is higher – nearer the top of the most pop culture icons than ours, OK, I’m gonna give you – Superman.
R: Well. International, been around since the ‘30s, one of the biggest icons on the planet, I’ll say higher.
S: Lower.
R: Yeah?
S: Ludicrous.
R: OK, so ..
S: Do you think higher or lower – Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon?
R: (laughs)
S: This guy’s been to the moon.
R: Well, I’d say lower then.
S: Lower.
R: Yeah.
S: Yeah, um –
K: Is that – is that sayin the people behind the rocket or just him?
R: (laughs)
K: ‘Cause he just sat there, didn’t do anything.
S: It’s what he’s symbolic of.
R: No – yeah – it’s not just, how much work went into it.
K: All right then.
S: Few others.
R: What about things like Coca-cola?
S: Oh no, they don’t really count. It tends to be, they don’t feature. I mean Mickey Mouse is in there, uh, what do you make, what do you reckon – Tom Cruise, higher or lower, Tom Cruise is the number 1 box office star in the world?
R: Presumably lower, then.
S: He’s lower. Number 81.
R: (laughs)
S: It really is a list drawn up by people who just sat at home and looked along their video and book collection.
R: Yeah.
S: ‘Um …. Office, yeah, that’s good.’
R: Well it is a reflection of that, but it’s always that, you do an HMV poll and it’s Pet Sounds, uh, Revolver, Let’s Get it On, Robbie Williams: Life Through a Lens.
S: (laughs)
R: Because it’s the people who vote, it’s a reflection of the fact there’s massive, you know, what’s big at the moment. I was the Most Powerful Man in Comedy, let’s not forget –
S: Yes.
R: One year ago – wonder where I’ll be this year?
S: See, if that had been the laziest man in comedy –
R: (laughs)
S: You’d have got my vote.
R: (laughs)
S: Interestingly, though, number 26, Karl Pilkington.
R: (laughs) Oh, imagine! Oh –
(music break) 00:06:35 R: ‘All Possibilities”, Badly Drawn Boy, on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant, and little Karly Pilkoids.
S: (laughs) Rick, um, Suzy’s emailed. She’s wondered if you could give a massive hello to Hannah and Charlotte – they’re all in the sixth form at Codsforth School –
R: Yeah. Yeah, shout out. Yeah, massive. Where’re they from?
S: Uh, I don’t know. I can’t quite pronounce it – the Calpthor School?
R: The Calpthor Massive.
S: Yeah.
R: They’re probably known as. Yeah.
S: So good luck to Suzy, Hannah, and Charlotte.
R: When did we start doin’ dedications?
S: I – I’ve always felt it was something that’s lacking on the show. Interaction with the audience. You know?
R: Interesting only to to the one person whose name is mentioned.
S: (laughs) Yeah – of course – but that’s how proper DJs fill up their time. They don’t talk about monkeys, and, you know, all that kind of, drivel.
R: Ooh. Do you think monkeys are drivel, Karl?
K: Well – we’ll still be doin’ a bit of Monkey News, no matter how much you have a pop at it. It’s comin’ up in a bit. Got some good stuff this week. I, I know it’s been a bit dull, last 2 weeks.
R: Well no, it’s not been dull – it’s been totally untrue.
S: As ever.
R: Bordering on the impossible. I mean, monkey dating. Saying ‘What tree are we meeting in?’ You believe that sort of drivel. So, I mean, oh. Oh, God. Jonathan Ross told a story about a chimpanzee once.
K: Go on.
R: (laughs) But it was about how it escaped from the zoo. And it jumped on a bus. OK. Interesting, funny –
K: I did that one!
R: But possible – there’s possibility in that one being true.
K: But I did that one.
S: I think you said something like he drove the bus, or he was conducting it –
R: I think you said he took it to Spain.
K: (pause) Mm.
R: You see the difference? It’s that little stretch, of credibility, that means it’s all shite.
S: How is Jonathan Ross? All right?
R: (laughs)
S: You see, I wondered how long it would take before his name popped up. How is the old monkey? Looking forward to his birthday Monday?
R: (laughing) Oh – oh dear. Yeah.
S: I don’t know if any of the listeners, uh, saw Ricky on Jonathan Ross’ TV show last night. What, I mean, MAN ALIVE!
R: What?
S: Well I mean, that’s not an interview! How is that an interview?
R: What?
S: It’s not – he wasn’t interviewing you – it was like two pals just havin’ a laugh, and if we – it was like, it was a family do, and you just happened to film it and stick it on the telly.
R: (laughs)
S: My friend made a good point – it was like any minute his kids were gonna pop out, sit on that sofa next to you, and go ‘Ooh, Uncle Ricky! Do the little dance!’ (makes the Office dance music noise) It was unbelievable! I mean, what were you wearin’, for a start!
R: Whaaaat??
S: What’s that? Some tatty old jumper like you’d just been doin’ some artexin’ and he’d gone, ‘Pop ‘round, Rick. We’re havin’ a coupla drinks!’
R: That’s – that was Lambretta! S: Lambretta! Was it inside out? I mean how is it you keep getting things like the St. George cross on it?
R: Na- what do you mean? That’s the only one I’ve got!
S: You’ve got loads of stuff! T-shirts, jumpers, shoes!
R: Naw, I’ve got a Union Jack -
S: Underpants!
R: Um, uh, uh, whatit, a French Connection –
S: But that’s not, that’s not what I’m saying
R: I haven’t got any underpants!
S: That’s not my concern, it’s just the fact – I mean firstly, for those that don’t realize, Ricky is friends with Jonathan Ross. They are friends. Now, they’ve only known each other, what? A year maybe?
R: ‘Bout 2, yeah –
S: It’s less, I think it’s less than 2. Now what worries me is, you’re, the friendship’s too close –
R: What’d’ya mean?
S: Because you’re over 40 - You see, it seems to me that after the age of 25, men, should not be becoming really close friends with other men. You’ve had all your friends – you made them at university, at school, and if you’re in a walk of life and you met someone at a party or a pub, even if you got on, you would not be phoning them every other day, like going to an awards do – ‘What’re you wearing, Jonathan?’ I’ve heard this conversation – ‘What’re you wearin’? Is that too formal?’
R: That’s not true!
S: It is! You’re always on the phone to him! You’re always chattin’, ‘I’m just gonna pop round,’ “Oh, I’m just gonna play some tennis!”
R: Yeah! We play tennis!
S: Always hangin’ out with the guy .. and it’s, to me, it’s unhealthy, and this, it’s just bled open now, onto TV.
R: Oh – hold on, wait a minute, wait a minute –
S: Woah woah – So, you’re there, it’s like – I’ll tell you what it reminded me of – Des O’Conner and Jethro,
R: (laughs)
S: Comin’ on, to plug his live video
R: (laughs) Or Tarby (?) and Kenny Lynche –
S: And at the end of the interview, after they’d been, you know, mutually back-slappin’
R: Yep –
S: HE GAVE YOU A PET!
R: (laughs)
S: Jonathan Ross, gave you, a cat! As a replacement for your cat which died! Now to me, that’s an inappropriate gift!
R: Why? It’s a lovely gift!
S: That’s – You should be – I don’t think people should be giving PETS, as gifts – imagine –
R: Do you know what I got him –
S: Imagine at a wedding: ‘I just bought you a cat”
R: Do you know what I’ve got him, for his birthday? I’ve got him a child.
S: Well! You may as well! Because that’s what it’s like, a cat, to me!
R: I’ve got a small Rwandan child.
S: A cat, to me, it’s like I’ve bought you this small child. I was gonna sponsor him, but I’ve got this bit of cash, I’ve flown him over.
R: (laughs) It was a lovely gift!
S: It’s too, it’s too intimate – it’s like, it’s too much responsibility!
R: D’you know what I think? D’you know what I think, Karl?
K: What?
R: Steve’s a bit jealous.
S: I tell ya – I’ve got good reason to be jealous.
R: What? S: I’ve got good reason to be jealous.
R: Yeah.
S: I just remembered this – your birthday – Jonathan Ross was there,
S: Karl Pilkington was there,
R: Yeah.
S: I don’t remember being invited.
R: (laughs)
S: I don’t remember being invited – was I there, Karl? You were there – I don’t remember being there.
K: Well, you’re with him all day, and that –
S: Right. OK, well, he sees you a lot, I mean, Jonathan is round his house every other day, playin’ tennis, and who else knows what, swimmin’ together, and sat in his jacuzzi,
R: (laughs)
S: Cracking wise, what happened there? What happened there?
R: (laughs) I think we got to the bottom of it. Play a record.
K: The villa that we went to afterwards –
S: Yeah?
K: Could only take six –
S: Yeah, it better be!
R: (laughs)
S: How is the cat? All right?
R: Yeah –
S: What’s he named? Jonathan?
R: Ollie.
(music break) 00:12:19 R: ‘Hey-ya’, Outkast, Xfm, 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. It’s that time, innit? Rockbusters –
S: ‘ray!
R: Come on – Karl – what you got for us?
K: All right, you wanna say what the prizes are –
S: I’ll say what the prizes are first. There’s a two disc set – Rock ‘n Roll Legends, on the cover there, they’ve got Buddy Holly, Elvis, Roy Orbison, and Little Richard.
R: No one wants that, baby.
S: (laughs) Nobody’s interested! Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, a DVD – I’m a Nick Cave fan, and I wouldn’t watch it.
R: Yeah, you’d watch it once, at most, when there was nothing on –
S: Yeah, at best – Knowing Me, Knowing You –
R: Nick Cave’s good, but when do you watch rock DVDs?
S: Yeah. Knowing Me, Knowing You – great series, obviously, but it’s –
R: VHS!
S: VHS, no one wants it on VHS. (13:00)