10 November 2001/Transcript
This is a transcription of the 10 November 2001 episode, from Xfm Series 1
NB This is transcribed from a partial recording of the show
Fly and Dope
Ricky: Xfm 104.9, Steve, just back announce that for us
Steve: yeah, Princess Superstar is, that was, Princess Superstar, and Untouchable pt 1. Did you enjoy it?
Ricky: I really enjoyed it
Steve: good
Ricky: shall I tell you why? (SM go on) it had 2 of the ingredients that I look for in a record - it was both fly and dope
Steve: haha high 5 man
Ricky: OK
Steve: yeah, you're sweet, you're sweet man
Ricky: coming up I've got my erm film review
Steve: looking forward to it.
Ricky: it's a great one, it's a great film
Steve: lovely
Ricky: Song for the Lovers, any min now err and
Steve: probably loads more chat
Ricky: er there will be, there will be
Song for the Lovers: PJ Harvey - This is Love
Ricky's Film Review
Ricky: It's Ricky Gervais show innit
Steve: with me Steve Merchant
Ricky: yep, but you're going to keep quiet now Steve because I've got to do my, my world famous, film review
Steve: looking forward to it
Ricky: yeah, I know you criticise, you say I do films that aren't on current release, or that I sort of just do the plot, or you know but...
Steve: mm mm and have you taken that criticism on board?
Ricky: I have
Steve: good
Ricky: this week's "Ricky Gervais Film Review" (zhoo zhoo zhoo) is Jungle Book
Steve: the Jungle Book?
Ricky: yeah
Steve: that was made in what? 1968?
Ricky: I don't know but listen, shut up right, it's a good review right? right for people who have heard it, or haven't, you know, you might learn something, cos it's sort of my take on it
Steve: has the review begun yet? or
Ricky: no no from now yeah?
Steve: go on
Ricky: go right - the little kid, he's in the jungle right, but he knows the bear and the panther, they're good friends, but it's dangerous, because you got to watch out the tiger and the snake, now the reason is, they don't mind him, but he's human and can make fire, they can't - that's why he's, sort of, in demand, even though they've conquered the power of speech, they can't make fire, but, then, the orang-utan gets him - ow, he's in trouble, but the bear puts coconuts on, and makes himself look like it, then they fall off, they've got to get away, but then he meets, like, er er a girl, and it's, and then they're not, you know
Steve: uh huh ok do you write these yourself?
Ricky: yeah
Steve: you don't get a professional to do it?
Ricky: no, no no
Steve: ok ok, and what would you give that one out of 5
Ricky: that's 9
Steve: that's a 9 out of 5 - strong review there. strong film then for you? and you'd recommend that for friends and family?
Ricky: yeah - just on video, or DVD, or in the cinema
Steve: ok, good, alright, and the film again was?
Ricky: Jungle Book
Steve: Jungle Book, jolly good, alright, thanks very much for that
Ricky: and now it's time for Song for the Lovers, this is The Smiths, and "Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me"
Steve: good, ok cool yeah, no, yeah yeah lovely
Song starts...
Ricky: I forgot (SM go on) about the elephants
Steve: oh well that's going to ruin it for everyone, they won't understand what you're talking about.
Ricky: yurr
Song: The Smiths - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me
Lonely Steve
Ricky: Smiths, lovely song - last nigh...
Steve: beautiful
Ricky: Song for the Lovers there on Xfm 104.9 Can't believe I forgot the elephants - that is, that was
Steve: a key element of the review
Ricky: really
Steve: yeah
Ricky: yeah
Steve: don't let it get you down Rick, I know how these things get to you if you feel you've not done the film review the best you could
Ricky: yeah yeah
Steve: I know that kind of winds you up
Ricky: yeah
Steve: you stew about it um played a beaut song there, a song for the lovers, and er, you know I do get depressed when I see people around me who've got, you know girlfriends, and I think, cos, you know, I haven't, I just think like what's the rule? we mentioned last week that fat bloke from Pop Idols - he's got a bird, which annoys me, angers me, and, erm, this really depressed me, err, walking into Piccadilly Circus tube, a coupled of nights ago, homeless guy, wrapped up, unwashed, and er, Northern, and is being spoken to by some kind of carer, you know some worker who'd come out to dish out kind of stale sandwiches, and I just overheard as I was passing, him going "well of course it's very difficult maintaining a long distance relationship" (laughter) and I sort of lingered for a sec and thought "what?!", and basically pieced together that he's got a girlfriend, he's from Leeds, he's got a girlfriend who's also homeless, who's homeless up in Leeds, and occasionally she homelessneses her way all the way down to London
Ricky: I love the fact that he's travelled to be homeless
Steve: I know! pathetic! it angered me that...
Ricky: is there a lot of cheap housing in Leeds? would that have ruined it for him?
Steve: I I assume maybe she was squatting or something, but it just depressed me because not only is he homeless, and he's got a homeless girlfriend, but that homeless people are finding love - I mean that's really depressing, Karl, isn't it? unless they both became smack heads together
Ricky: no, Karl's found love on the street before, haven't you?
Steve: how do get on with your bird Karl? are you married?
Karl: no, no
Steve: how long have you been going out with her?
Karl: 7 years
Steve: cos, I mean, you're quite a simple man
Ricky: yeah
Steve: you're sort of a simpleton
Ricky: yeah, in a nice way, I mean, you're like Helen from Big Brother, you're sort of nice enough, but
Karl: but I look normal
Ricky: well, yeah, you sort of do, but you could be one of those that just suddenly go mental with a pen, you know what I mean
Steve: yeah just stab people through the eyes
Ricky: yeah (laughter) you sort of look normal, but I wouldn't really want to wind you up, to a point of frenzy
Steve: how did you meet your girlfriend?
Karl: through work...(long pause)
Steve: ... what thru her work? or you phoned up and said..
Karl: we worked at the same place
Steve: right, right right
Ricky: you're quite an enigma aren't you? could you give us more on that?
Steve: "at work", you met her "at work" - she came in selling sandwiches? (laughs) she was going thru the bins outside? what do you mean you met her at work?
Karl: why are having an attack on me? you're the (SM I'm not having an attack) one who's sad and lonely
Steve: no I'm I'm
Ricky: oh he's done you again! he's done you again!
Steve: yeah, but what I thought was interesting was I just scratched at him, and he just went mental - it's like a bear caught in a trap.
Ricky: yeah, yeah, it's funny isn't it - you'll never learn, Karl...
Steve: no, I was just interested to find out what the story was, cos it might be a really romantic story
Karl: well...it's not
Steve: alright! Jeez! I love the fact he doesn't want to talk about his love affair
Karl: I was thinking about you in the week, and like, does it worry you, I mean, you sort of joke about it now, and we were talking about it in the office, like, "is Steve really touchy about the way he looks"?
Steve: ooh ooh what's this? where's that come from?
Ricky: he's done it again - he's done you again!
Karl: and I was walking home the other night, and I was thinking about it, and do you worry that when you're old you will be on your own?
Ricky: (hoots) you did start it though didn't you?
Steve: well, Karl, I'm glad you've brought this up, because, no, no, for me, I mean, a lightweight frothy entertainment show, on Xfm, on a Saturday afternoon, is exactly the place (RG hoots), where I want to discuss the desperate lonely future that's inevitably coming my way.
Ricky: oh god, I tell you what would cheer you up, to forget about it all...a bit of Embrace
Steve: oh oh, one of the most hated bands..
Song: Embrace – Make it Last
Song: Hives – Main Offender
Schindler's Lifts
Ricky: Hives - Main Offender, before that Embrace - Make it Last, I know you don't like Embrace much, but that's a nice tune, they do cut a nice little chorus (SM sure) and I think their heart's in the right place (SM Ok), yes, very nice. What - could you do better? I was mucking around...
Steve: that's not fair
Ricky: no no, I was thinking, there's not enough avant-garde stuff, and I just did this right (unusual sound) - there's a little spring on the mic - what does that sound like? does it sound good? I haven't got my headphones on. does it sound good?
Steve: it sounds brilliant
Ricky: I was thinking of just doing that, and sending it to John Peel, (continues making sound) maybe with some samples of like politicians going "we will not t..aaar aar aaa"
Steve: I feel it's more a b-side, at the moment, but it's strong
Ricky: but that's without strings or anything
Steve: sure that just a basic demo (laughter) when you worked that out with a decent producer... ooh ooh, man a-live
Ricky: still coming we've got Radiohead, we've got
Steve: er, what are these fellows doing?
Ricky: erm there's a couple of..
Steve: just it's quite noisy
Ricky: yeah, there's a couple of fellows behind us, taking pictures. don't know why it takes two of them, I think one of them just got, you know, a couple of hours out the office. they're from the - what are you from? X-Mag? (off) X-Ray
Steve: X-Ray - what's X-Ray?
Karl: it's the Xfm magazine, Steve
Steve: Xfm what? Magazine?
Karl: Magazine
Steve: where where - is this available in shops?
Ricky: it's just a giveaway thing, to..
Karl: it's kind of giveaway, bit of information on bands, gigs coming up
Steve: right - how is it available?
Ricky: yeah, who gets it?
Karl: it's, it's in, er Top Magazines
Steve: you're really selling it Karl, you're obviously a fan of the magazine
Karl: it's alright
Ricky: yeah
Karl: it's...this seems now like you've said "let's pretend we don't know what it is, you sell it on air, make it sound really good"
Steve: I don't know what it is!
Karl: well, I'll show you later
Steve: hey, cool
Karl: and if people want a copy of it, they can go to the website, subscribe, and you get it for free
Ricky: that's alright..and (k you're going to be in it) what we're going to be in it?
Karl: centre pages
Ricky: I don't look my best, I don't dress for radio, you know
Steve: well, it's ok, cos I'm photogenic, I'll make up for whatever you
Ricky: I'll push you forward
Steve: Rick, I don't know if you're aware of this, but we have some tickets to give away. Is your favourite band, Marc E Smith's The Fall?
Ricky: it is, yeah
Steve: and is your favourite venue the Kentish Town forum?
Ricky: ohh I'd see anything there - I'd see The Fall anywhere, and I'd see anything there, so if you're telling me The Fall are there, we're not giving them away Steve - I'd like them for myself.
Steve: Rick, I'm just trying to remember if your favourite support act of late is "Schindler"?
Ricky: ahh...no I hate 'em, I'm not going - give them away
Steve: ok so the doors are at 7.30, doesn't say when it is.
Ricky: I'm only joking, Schindler, I'm only joking by the way Schindler, to the lads in Schindler, if they think I'm being a bit nasty.
Steve: it's 7.30, the tickets are 11.50 in advance, I'm assuming there's probably some still left, but we have some to give away - how many have we got to give away?
Karl: 3 pairs
Steve: 3 pairs is it ermm...talking of Schindler, you know the people who make lifts, or, I think, escalators as well (RG yeah), have you noticed, if you look (RG yeah) at the bottom of lifts, it always says "Schindler", it's always made by some organisation called Schindler...do you think it's the same Schindler, like from Schindler's list?
Ricky: so it's Shindler's lifts
Steve: (laughs) Shindler's lifts
Ricky: and it was passed down wrong - "no, I didn't make a list - I made lifts", (SM yeah, laughs) you're joking, Spielberg was going "I've made a whole film about them"
Steve: it was 3 hours, it was in black & white, for god's sake
Ricky: "where did you get the lift" - "there was no lift in it, I thought it was a list you made" - "no, I made lifts" "oh, I don't believe it"
Steve: anyway, next time you're in a lift, check that out, that is true, anyway, we've got 3 pairs of ticket for The Fall who are performing tonight, at the Kentish Town Forum, if you'd like to win them, here's a question for you - which Radio 1, rival station, which Radio 1 personality used to be a member of The Fall, if you know you can get in touch on (RG is it Zoe Ball, is it Zoe ball?) (phone number)
Ricky: is it Chris Moyles? is it John Peel?
Steve: I don't want to give it away, but two words for you, Emma B
Song: Radiohead - Paranoid Android
Christian O'Connell Breakfast Show Ad
Sombre Announcer: Xfm would like to apologise for material broadcast on November the 8th on the breakfast show with Christian O'Connell. The show featured the comedian and author Ben Elton. Xfm would like to point out that during live interviews we cannot realistically expect to control the language and content of our guest's material. However Christian would like to offer a full and frank apology for the fact that Mr. Elton appeared to have overdosed on the arsehole tablets that morning. Christian would like you to know that the dullard will never be on again. We really are sorry.
Polaroids
Ricky: we're just looking at the Polaroids, the tests that photographers do
Steve: I'm not at all happy
Ricky: no, do you know I kid myself, it does take mirrors and photographs, and I go "oh no, yeah, I forgot I look like that" - do you know what I mean? look at that - like a tree trunk
Steve: yeah - look at me Rick, there - that's always with me
Ricky: ohh - there was a bloke downstairs thought I was Johnny Vegas, he said I love those adverts with the monkey, and I didn't have the nerve to say "I'm not him". at one point he actually said, I like that one where he hits you, I went yeah, he went "are you doing anymore adverts", I said "yeah, a couple more" I just thought it's gone too far now, I can't say "I'm not Johnny Vegas"
Steve: sorry, I'm not really listening Rick, cos I want to say to you - can you get me more square on - square on I'm not so bad, it's from the side
Ricky: yeah, the side looks bad
Steve: alright, calm down Rick...Karl what do you make of that - pretty face?
Ricky: this isn't great radio
Steve: no it's no
Ricky: I know we never do great radio, but this is really
Steve: this is some of the worst we've done
Ricky: we were talking before about er Shindler's lifts, those people who just make one thing, and they're famous for that, now do you think the monopoly commission should investigate Armitage Shanks?
Steve: yes
Ricky: because I've never seen
Steve: never seen another sink or toilet made by anyone else
Ricky: no, did the, when did they take over this? can you hear that clicking?
Steve: would you just stop just for a second while we're just
Ricky: (laughter) he can't talk cos he's trying to make himself look so handsome
Steve: well exactly, I've got.. I'm striking poses
Ricky: he's straining to sort of look normal!
Steve: I've changed my mind, you remember that George Michael video where her doesn't appear, he just gets supermodels to play him, can we do that maybe instead? just get a leggy blond in.
Ricky: in our place, like 5 people instead of "this is Steve" "but he looks like 5 women" yeah, that is Steve
Steve: you were talking about Shanks
Ricky: yeah, Armitage
Steve: they've got it sown up
Ricky: they have haven't they? when did they..
Steve: I don't know who the Shanks people are, I don't think they make anything else though, I've never seen them make anything else other than lavatories, and sinks
Ricky: so who ..."we are going to make so many urinals, there's going to be too many urinals, no one's going to have a look-in, when anyone's having a slash they're just going to be thinking Armitage Shanks"
Steve: but presumably there's someone called Armitage Shanks who's got his name all over that. whenever you meet him, you're just thinking, "I've had a waz"
Ricky: ..on Armatige Shanks
Steve: we can say "waz", can't we?
Ricky: yeah, or piss, or slash
Steve: either of them's fine ohhh
Song: U2 - Walk On
Criticizing Steve
Ricky: see I like U2 again now, I liked them in the very early days, then I hated them for about 15 years, and then the last album, this, and beautiful day, I think "really good" - they've lost all their pomposity - don't you think?
Steve: I saw one of them saying that he thought this was the best album they've ever made
Ricky: I tell you what, I'm not going to argue with him, whoever it was, Steve
Steve: could well have been "The Edge", not sure, could have been Larry Mullen
Ricky: real name, David Evans
Steve: really - interesting, Rick, you may recall that some time ago we gave people the chance to win tickets to see The Fall performing live at Kentish Town Forum this evening
Ricky: supported by Schindler
Steve: Schindler, I know you're a big fan of them, and we have some winners..
Ricky: "I could have made more lifts"
Steve: the question I set was which Radio 1 personality used to be a member of The Fall, we did have some wrong answers, wrong answers included, Gary Davis
Ricky: oh imagine him in The Fall! oh that is brilliant
Steve: er Noel Edmonds
Ricky Laughs
Steve: and of course Ed "stewpot" Stewart
Ricky: oh, what's happened to Noel Edmonds? what's happened to lovely Noelly?
Steve: Noel is just utterly doomed now isn't he - no one will employ him now it seems
Ricky: well, we don't know that, that's probably libellous
Steve: how is that libellous?!
Ricky: he might be turning down stuff, and therefore might sort of be waiting for a big comeback with Noel's house party 2002 for all you know
Steve: oh no, you're right it is libellous, thanks for pointing that out Rick, in case there were any lawyers thinking "that's not libellous - no actually, good point". err so the winners are Mina, who's from Finland (laughs) apparently, according to these notes here
Ricky: hold on why's that funny?
Steve: how would she have called in from Finland?
Ricky: well no, when someone says where are you from, she might have been here for like a year, and well "Finland"
Steve: well, I've embarrassed myself at that Rick, thanks for tearing me apart, that was fascinating radio. Err.. Vinny's also won, he's from Surrey
Ricky: ohh - imagine coming from Surrey!
Steve: and Tom Prince from Camden, what a great name, Tom Prince, they're all the lucky winners
Ricky: I think we've lost it, no it was really good, the first few weeks, yeah, and even the first hour, but this last 20 minutes, I feel that I've bored myself (SM yeah) what's happened?
Steve: I think it's 'cos you keep picking me up on every single thing I say - it can't help, surely? and then if it's not you it's Karl having a go
Ricky: yeah but he's more going for your looks, I'm more working on your personality
Steve: right, sure
Ricky: but together..
Steve: so it's my fault now that the shows going downhill
Ricky: no but its like you know - we're like your mentors, you've got to be harsh - you're like Eliza Dolittle, and we've got lots of little stylists in , like they do with makeovers, or that Faking It. they get in like me and Karl, Karl's working on your looks, I'm doing your personality, we're going to get stylists in, and coaches, and then you have to do a date, and the woman has to, and there's 3 other blokes, and she has to work out what the freak amongst them is, and you've got to go no one voted for you as the freak
Steve: yeah, Rick, I've known you for 3 years, I don't think you're cut out for that job.
Song: Groove Armada – Super Stylin'
I Love The First Hour
Ricky: Groove Armada - Super Stylin, Xfm 104.9, it's nearly the end of the show Steve, I'm going to try harder next week, I mean, it started off well, and then, I didn't get bored, I just couldn't concentrate
Steve: I know what you mean, I mean, I thought I tried hard early on with the anecdotes, that embarrassed me, and which Karl just used as venom
Ricky: I had the funny bullshit t-shirt, and the you know
Steve: I had the woman walking around in my clumpy shoes
Ricky: I had washing with me
Steve: oh they were classic anecdotes, Rick
Ricky: I loved the 1st hour
Steve: I loved the 1st hour, there should definitely be a show on Saturday evenings, on Xfm, with Kate Thornton
Ricky: er Richard Blackwood
Steve: Blackwood would be good
Ricky: Moyles in, going "oh the 1st hour, they used to.." it would be great
Steve: that would be lovely
Ricky: oh amazing, and there's people taking our photographs, which I'm not happy with, to be honest, I'm going to have someone fired - I'm only joking- stop, I was only joking - oh I've offended someone, which I don't like to do, and then lifts
Steve: I'm worried because I didn't know that the photos were going to be taken, that we won't seem quite as hip and with the kids as we thought we would, on account of wearing these tuxedos.
Ricky: I'm telling you now that is ironic, we are down by law, this next track is Ice Cube, It Was a Good Day, it's my selection for the hip-hop track, as you know we want to spread the word of..
Steve: a lot of people don't seem to realise that hip-hop is music as well, and it's out there and it should be enjoyed by kids, and at the moment it's quite an eclectic thing, you know, it's very underground (RG yeah, yeah) trying to bring it into the mainstream
Ricky: yeah, and in this, you know, Cube says it was a good day, simple thing that he didn't use his AK, that's the sort of world he lives in, that's what he's trying to get across
Steve: and it talks to you about your life
Ricky: sure
Steve: yeah respect man
Song: Ice Cube - It Was a Good Day
Saturday Night Steve
Ricky: well, there you go, Ice Cube, it..
Steve: great song
Ricky: yeah, yeah, well you've got a great song coming up as well
Steve: I have indeed, it's the Song for the Ladies, Rick, we'll leave people with that, have you seen the film Magnolia?
Ricky: I have
Steve: it's one of the most underrated movies, it didn't get a single Oscar nomination. It's absolutely fantastic, breathtaking cinema (RG yeah it's fantastic), made by the guy that made Boogie Nights, absolutely fantastic, Tom Cruise is in it, loads of people, and the soundtrack is entirely written by Aimee Mann. now I don't know if she's normally the sort of person they play on Xfm, but she's a singer-songwriter of great skill, I think, and this is a song that features in one of the most breathtaking moments in the film
Ricky: it's amazing - it all brings it together - it won't come across obviously here, but nevertheless it's a great song
Steve: it is a good song, it's called "Wise Up", we'll be playing that in a second, but otherwise Rick, that's it isn't it?
Ricky: that is it, what will you be doing tonight Steve?
Steve: what will I be doing tonight, Rick, err, probably gonna be (laughing) ... staying in
Ricky: yeah, yeah - and doing what though?
Steve: ooh err... watching some telly.. oh oh yeah
Ricky: ooh that's not all if I know you - did I see a couple of cans of weak lager in your carrier bag
Steve: I did sneak 'em in yeah
Ricky: you're not going to drink them both tonight though are you?
Steve: what are you? my mother?
Ricky: ok chill out, do what you want. Will you be...sleeping alone again?
Steve: if I play my cards right.
Ricky: will you be having a little tug, just to get yourself off to sleep?
Steve: I'll probably have a couple a couple a tugs, if there's something saucy on channel 5 I will
Ricky: Xfm 104.9
Steve: here's Wise Up, Aimee Mann, enjoy
Song: Aimee Mann – Wise Up