03 January 2004/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 03 January 2004 episode, from Xfm Series 3.

The Public Have Been Waiting

Ricky: Kings Of Leon, California Waiting. Steve, the public have been waiting for us to return.

Steve: Well that's true enough.

Ricky: Alright?

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: They had the Best Of...

Steve: Aww.

Ricky: ...last week.

Steve: I bet that was a joy.

Ricky: They had Camfield and us, without Karl, the week before, but it's er, been a while since we've all been together. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me is Steve Merchant, and over there, with his little sunburnty baldy head, little Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Wheeey!

Steve claps

Ricky: Alright?

Karl: Yep. Tha-that wasn't Steve slapping my head then, by the way.

Ricky: No, that was just him clapping, like Steve Wright in the afternoon...

Steve: It's a great show.

Ricky: ...cos he's, he's so....it is a great show.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He's so pleased that we're a posse, and we're all back together. That's three holidays Karl's had this year. Last year.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I'd love to have three holidays. You've got to start putting the work in...

Karl: No, I had two holidays, though.

Ricky: No, you had three holidays! You went away with, er, Suzanne and her parents.

Karl: Yeah, well that doesn't count.

Ricky: It does count. If you book..if you book two weeks off the firm, and you go away, and you go "How was your holiday go?" "Well, it didn't really count, it wasn't a really good holiday. Can I have them days back please?" You.....oh. My new year's resolution is to be nicer to you. But...

Steve: Well done, you've already broken that.

Ricky: ...talk sense. No, but talk sense. Talk sense. You've had three holidays this year, and I'm just saying. You-you're in your thirties now, and thirties is when you should really be putting the work in...

Steve: That's true enough.

Ricky: ...to reap the benefits in your forties, fifties, sixties, seventies, eighties, nineties and a hundred.

Steve laughs

Steve: Karl, what's your new year resolution? What about 'think before you speak'?

Ricky laughs

Steve: It's worth..it...

Ricky: See, I'm allowed to laugh. I'm allowed to laugh at things other people say, Karl. That one...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That is a good suggestion! How was your holiday, Karl?

Karl: Errr.......it was alright.

Ricky: Right. Brilliant.

Steve: But that, I don't see...on the kind of, on the ratio of good to bad in Karl's mind, that might be amazing...

Ricky: That might be amazing.

Steve: ...'cause we never hear him singing the praises of anything.

Ricky: I tell you what, can we have a, you know, cracking little tune, then come back and hear about Karl's holiday?

Steve: I'd love to do that.

Ricky: Let's keep it tight.

Keep A Couple, Fill The Rest In

Ricky: Love Will Tear Us Apart, by Joy Division. Now, I can't put my finger on it, but that doesn't sound like the original. And it's off a compilation. It sounded a bit fast, I think the vocal's slightly different. If anyone can, you know, put me out my misery, I think it might have been a session of the time, or something.

Steve: Karl, here's a little new year resolution for you, another one. Maybe when we ask you to get a song, get the er, original single version...

Ricky: I could be wrong.

Steve: ...and not some obscure session.

Ricky: It does seem different, doesn't it?

Steve: Very odd.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Maybe we just remember it wrongly. But anyway, that's XFM for you. 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant; Karl Pilkington. Karl, you went to Lanzarote. People said "don't go to Lanzarote", they told you it was Lanze-grotty, they told you, were they right or wrong?

Karl: They were right, yeah.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: Yeah, it's a bit ropey, yeah.

Ricky: Is it, why?

Karl: Just er....nowt there. If it wasn't for the...for the volcano they had, they'd be knackered.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That's their...that's their big draw is it?

Karl: That's, that's it basically. That's all they've got going for them.

Steve: When you landed, was it really hot, did you..initally were you quite excited, you were thinking "this is okay"?

Karl: Yeah it was warm, it's, you know, can't complain about the weather, the weather was alright.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: You know what I mean? That's what I went for, but it'd be nice if...if there just was something else.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What did you do all day then? Did you read your Rich Hall book?

Karl: Err, no, I didn't read that. I read that book, do you know that book that I bought and all the chapters were messed up?

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: I bought a better version of that.

Ricky: Oh right.

Karl: And I read that.

Ricky: Excellent.

Karl: And then er...

Ricky: Did it make more sense in order?

Karl: Yeah, a lot easier to follow.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: And then we went and had a look at the volcanoes and that, they've got thirty six of them to look at.

Ricky: How many did you look at before you realised you've, you know, pretty much you've seen one volcano you've seen them all?

Karl: Probably about...six or seven.

Ricky: Really? And then when you got to the eighth you thought "Now I know what this is going to be, Suzanne. This is going to be, like, a mountain with a hole in the top."

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: But it happened years ago as well, it's like, just keep a couple, fill the rest in. Tidy it up.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Fill the rest in!

Steve: Yeah, I know, yeah.

Ricky: What, get in some builders?

Karl: No, seriously though...

Ricky: "Can I have four million tonnes of concrete, please?"

Steve: They're an absolute deathtrap.

Ricky: Yeah, what...yeah...what do you mean, fill 'em in? Do you know what a volcano is?

Karl: Just a hole innit, that's happened.

Ricky: Well it's more than a hole, it's more a portal to the magma in the center of the earth.

Karl: Back in 1730, it happened, and they still haven't sorted it out.

Ricky: Well when you say "it happened", volcanoes were made a lot longer ago...

Karl: No, no...

Ricky: ...than 1730!

Karl: But the one that did Lanzarote in.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Sort it out.

Ricky: What do you suggest? How can they fill it in, it's joined, it's all joined. Under...

Karl: No, but what I'm saying is...

Ricky: ...big plates of the Earth are all joined, all the magma's joined.

Karl: ...it was a disaster, wasn't it? With the, with the Trade Center thing. That happened, they cleaned it up, sorted it out, they've moved on. That's what I'm saying. Whereas Lanzarote have just gone "leave it". It happened back in 1730.

Ricky: No, you misunderstand me. How in the name of God can you fill in a volcano, you ignorant twit?

Karl: No, but it's not just the holes, they've actually left the lava everywhere. That's what I mean. It's not just the big holes, there's lava everywhere.

Ricky: But...it's molten rock. They can't just pick it up, like they're...like a carpet.

Karl: Put it in the holes, the holes are there ready, just push it all in.

Ricky laughs

Karl: That's what I'm saying.

Steve: What, erm, what exactly is there then? Is it just a kind of moon-like kind of surround with just, kind of dust and rocks?

Karl: That's exact....you see, I was there when the Mars thing all went wrong.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I would have just sent a camera crew there.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: Filmed a bit of that, right, say "here we are, this is it. Ignore the little coffee shop in the background. This is Mars." 'Cause that's what it's like, just loads of dust...

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: ...er, holes everywhere, tidy it up...

Ricky: Little round headed aliens, complaining.

Steve: Whinging.

Ricky: Just like Mars! So is there any..what's the best bit about the holiday? Come on, pretend you're Judith Chalmers.

Karl: I have been doing. I would have done all that. I would have said that. Don't bother.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: I mean the hotel was good.

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: That was alright.

Ricky: What was that like?

Karl: S'alright. Just, you know, clean. That's all you want, innit?

Ricky: See, that's not quite what Judith Chalmers does, she doesn't go "What's the hotel like? Alright, clean innit...alright". What was it like? Was it, what was it, three star? Four star? Did it have a swimming pool?

Karl: Yeah, it had a swimming pool and that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Erm, yeah. It was good. You know, I think it was one of the better ones on the island.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Erm...

Steve: Nightlife?

Karl: Er...wasn't really...

Steve: Clubs? Bars?

Karl: Wasn't really any. There was a bar, there was some bands playing.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Er, not very good. Erm....food. Food got a bit boring.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: It was always the same food every night, but they sort of themed it and made out as if it was different, so like, on Mexican night it'd be chicken with a nacho on it.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And Chinese night it'd be chicken with a little prawn cracker on it and stuff.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: That got a bit boring.

Ricky's phone makes a sound

Ricky: Erm, that's just me turning on my phone, 'cause I want to read to you a text...

Steve: Right.

Ricky: ...that I got from Karl. I think you sort of sum up the holiday in..in this text, don't you? Can you remember it?

Karl: I can't remember.

Ricky: Let's have a look, let's have a little look...

Steve: Incidentally, what did Suzanne, your girlfriend, make of it?

Karl: Erm...

Steve: Similar view to you? That they should fill in the er, the holes?

Karl: Yeah, it's just that thing you see, I went on a coach trip, right? And you go and see the volcanoes. Like I say, there's thirty six of them, which, you know, how many do you need? And er, when we're on the coach going round all these volcanoes, the fella on the front's going "And er, look out your left window at the moment, there's a..there's a volcano. And er, if you quickly look out the right hand side there, there's another one, and on the left..." and it's just like, alright, we've seen it!

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Do you know what I mean?

Steve: Sure.

Karl: And that, that tr-I mean we'll talk about that trip...

Ricky: Right, this is the text I got, from Karl, right? "Alright? Been up to a volcano. Been in some dead artist's house who built his house in the lava. They said they would show me science with volcanoes, but all they did was chuck some water in a..in a hole and it shot up in the air. No dwarves in the canteen. No Scousers here, but there is a Swede woman with a big head. She looks effing gormless with a cap on."

Steve laughs

Ricky: Alright? So, a little reference there to...

Steve: "A Swede woman?"

Ricky: What's that mean, do you mean Swedish?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Or she looked like a vegetable?

Karl: No a..a Swedish woman. But they've all got sort of..quite big built, aren't they?

Ricky: I sent..I sent him a text: "Oh well, it's just good to be on holiday 'cause, you know, I'm working". He sent back, "So am I. Just been watching Sky News. There is a school for monkeys who want to get a band together".

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Is that Monkey News for later?

Ricky laughs

The Coach Driver Is Pretty Much God

Ricky: Oh My Corazon, by Tim Burgess. I can't get enough of that, I love that chorus.