21 June 2003/Transcript
This is a transcription of the 21 June 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2
It Wasn't Even a Holiday
Song: The Darkness - I Believe in a Thing Called Love
Ricky: Well, there's The Darkness, they believe in a thing called love, Karl, do you? This is XFM 104.9. That is my favorite band at the moment.
Steve: You're lovin' 'em.
Ricky: I- I absolutely love them. I think they're funny. I think they're straight down the line with a little bit of tongue-in-cheek.
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: Ah, brilliant. Did you see them on Jools Holland last night?
Steve: I didn't, sadly, no.
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: Were they good?
Ricky: Absolutely- just- oh- I mean, Jools didn't know what to do.
Steve Laughs
Steve: Was he playing some boogie woogie?
Ricky: He- They wouldn't let him play boogie woogie over their song.
Steve: Blimey.
Ricky: That's why, I mean, that's why he stayed back. But, uh-
Steve: I can't imagine it was very good then.
Ricky: He shook the- It was-
Steve: I'm surprised you said they were good.
Ricky: I thought- I thought, "Hold on. This is missing something."
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: "This- this is missing someone from Squeeze vamping over them."
Steve Laughs
Steve: Exactly, yeah.
Ricky: But, um, they did- they did well without him.
Steve: Extraordinary.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Wow. Good luck to them.
Ricky: Here we are then, we're back. XFM 104.9. Karl had to leave early last week, but um, you- can you stay to the end this week, mate? Or-
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah?
Steve: You don't need a- you don't need another holiday?
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: Ooh. Oh, he's started already.
Steve: I mean, you know-
Ricky: Steve's made you look like a bit of a twat already and it's only five past one.
Karl: But the only reason you don't go on holiday is 'cause you have to spend money!
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: Oh! And he's come straight back!
Steve: Well...
Ricky: He's come straight-
Ricky Laughs More
Steve: I can't come back to that. It's just-
Ricky: Oh dear.
Steve: It's just dynamite. It's just absolute- that was- that was- that was searing-
Ricky: Although the last holiday he- the last holiday Steve had- he, sort of, found a third world country so he could live like a king for a week. It was Cuba wasn't it?
Steve: Went to Cuba, amazing. You can live- you can almost rule the place.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: If it weren't for Castro I'd have been in charge the kind of cash I was flashing around. They'll do anything for a dollar over there. It's extraordinary. Literally. I mean, it's amazing.
Ricky: Yeah. Ohhh.
Steve: Definitely. And I went to Kenya before that.
Ricky: So he thought, the prostitute said no. You were gut-
Steve: Well, it was two dollars, I'm not made of money.
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: Did you have a good holiday, Karl?
Karl: Uhhhh. Yeah, it was alright. It was alright. Went down to Cornwall.
Steve: Now you were going to the monkey sanctuary.
Karl: Tell you what, there's some odd people down there, Steve.
Steve: Well, don't look at me, I'm not from Cornwall.
Karl: Well, you're from that, sort of, area.
Steve: Well, not really, but-
Ricky: Genetically, he means.
Steve: Right.
Karl: They're weird.
Steve: Mm, well, you must've slided right in.
Ricky: Why are they weird? What do they look like?
Karl: They're just all, sort of, uh, odd people. Uh, lot of old people but not just old, sort of, messed up old.
Ricky: What do you mean "messed up old"? Describe- you can't just say that. There's- there's-
Karl: There's a woman with a funny neck.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Okay. In what way was it funny?
Ricky: What- why did she have a funny neck? If you were writing an essay you wouldn't say "there was this woman with a funny neck". How would you describe it?
Karl: She, uh, sort of, had her head pointed down all the time.
Karl Imitates the Woman with the Funny Neck
Ricky: Don't do it! This is radio.
Karl: No, but, just for you, like that. Walkin' about like that.
Ricky: Yeah... okay... right. So, brilliant.
Karl: And I don't know- I was saying to Suzanne, "What happened? You know, what do you think?"
Ricky: 'Cause Suzanne knows everything, that's the good thing about her being with you. You just ask her, "What happened to her?" and Suzanne goes, "Karl, I don't know. I haven't been here before.
Steve: Suzanne, your girlfriend, or "Mummy" as you call her.
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: Oh, sparks are flying.
Steve imitating Karl
Steve: I got a little bit of choco, could you just lick a tissue and wipe it off?"
Karl: She said it might've been like 'cause back in the olden days they carried stuff on their-
Ricky: The olden days!
Steve Laughs
Steve: What do you mean "the olden days"?
Ricky: This woman was probably what? 50?
Karl: Uh, no, she looked about 70.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: But like I do on Cheeky Freak of the Week, right, I always turn it 'round and we get, like, something good out of it.
Steve: Something positive, yeah.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: I said- I said to Suzanne, "I bet she finds a lot of money."
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Sure.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Always starin' at the ground, yeah.
Ricky: Oh dear.
Karl: Which is always- which is always good.
Ricky: So, um, you're back-
Steve: Maybe she just had new shoes and she was admiring them.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Did you think of that before you pointed a finger and judged?
Ricky: Or her necklace was too heavy.
Steve: Exactly.
Ricky: So, you're back, refreshed. So, uh, what have we got for this week? Have we- sort of- 'cause we didn't meet last night which, uh, we usually meet, sort of-
Karl: No, I called you and said it'd be good if we could. I- you know, I wasn't getting back into London 'til half past 7.
Ricky: Well, I was up for it. I was up for it. Yeah.
Karl: Yeah, but we all need to be there.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: It's no good just me and you being there.
Ricky: Yeah, so... yeah.
Steve: No, you're right. I mean, you're absolutely right that I wasn't there, yeah, 'cause I wasn't willing to, uh, just be governed by your particular schedule. You want to JET back in from another of your holidays-
Karl: Right, it wasn't a holiday.
Steve: At 8 o'clock.
Karl: Wasn't a holiday.
Steve: What? So what- you were out of town-
Ricky: What do you mean? Hold on. Whoa whoa. What do you mean it wasn't a holiday? What was it?
Karl: It was a- well, it was a treat, wasn't it? For me mam and dad. So, it wasn't a holiday.
Ricky: What? So, you didn't enjoy the five days off? You'd rather have been here moaning eight hours a day? Seven hours a day...
Steve: You see, we said last week that you're always whinging. Here you are whinging now.
Karl: I'm not moaning.
Ricky: And you're saying it's not even a holiday. You're saying it's not even a holiday. What was it then?
Karl: Alright, would, like, a nurse who takes sick children to Florida, would they say "having a great holiday"?
Ricky: Sorry. What- what- what particular ailment did your parents have for the week that they had to fly in Karl Pilkington M.D.?
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: What you talkin' about?
Karl: Well... alright it was a holiday.
Steve: Well then!
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: Good. Now some honesty- now some truths almost.
Ricky: So you came in, you came back from your holiday- you wanted to start back to work straight away so you couldn't be bothered to meet. Is that what you're saying?
Karl: That's what I'm saying.
Ricky: So we've got nothing prepared for this.
Karl: Well, you can rely on Rockbusters.
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Karl: Right that's coming up.
Steve: We've got nothing.
Ricky Laughs
Karl: Uh, Monkey News.
Ricky: Even though you were away you were still working?
Karl: Still doing stuff.
Steve: Did you go to the monkey sanctuary?
Karl: I'll tell you about that later.
Steve: Tell us about it.
Ricky: Play a record.
Karl: Alright. Do you want... Smashing Pumpkins?
Steve: Smashing Pumpkins...
Ricky: Yeah, yeah.
Steve: ...I've got an old classic from them; Cherub Rock.
Ricky: Yup. Yup.
Song: Smashing Pumpkins - Cherub Rock
Monkey Spotted Holidaying in Cornwall
Steve: Smashing Pumpkins. Cherub Rock. That of course, Rick, is available on their greatest hits.
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: If you want...
Ricky: I mean that's- that's how I rock.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: So I- I know- I know the uh- I'm very much the shape of a cherub as well.
Steve: Indeed. Indeed.
Ricky: Naked with a... couple of
Steve: Yeah. And a rosy big arse.
Ricky: And a tru- a trumpet.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Do they have trumpets?
Steve: I don't know. Um, I've just had an email here. Umm... Monkey News.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: From a listener. Monkey spotted holidaying in Cornwall.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Chimp... A chimp was spotted holidaying in Cornwall last week after befriending a family of three. One onlooker said, "it was incredible. He dressed and behaved exactly like a human being. He even settled the hotel bill at the end of their stay. The only telltale sign was his lack of table manners and the incoherent babble when he opened his mouth."
Ricky Laughs
Steve: There we are. So.
Ricky: Well what'd you think of that Karl?
Steve: That's the listeners, Karl. That's Joanne.
Ricky: Amusing. Articulate. Accurate. She remembered who- exactly who's there and everything. Settling the bill. It's all there. So I mean even though people think that you're slightly simian... you know, slightly less than human on the evolutionary ladder... they do listen to ya!
Steve Laughs
Ricky: So on the other- I don't know who's more stupid in the end. You or the listeners!
Steve: Well you may recall, Rick, the end of last week, when Karl had to shoot off early, uh, we issued a little request. For listeners just to bombard Karl's email with, umm, just pointless emails that really weren't about anything. Just to clog up his email for when he returned.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Rick, they sent them all to us.
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: I mean that's the kind of listeners that we've got. We've got reams here on our email, of just junk.
Ricky: I mean it's like a Marx brothers plot, isn't it.
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: I mean just listen.
Karl: I- I-
Steve: Listen to what we say!
Karl: I got one, uhh, about a shaved cat. But that's not pointless; I'll be reading that later.
Steve: Loving it, yeah.
Ricky Chuckles
Ricky: "I'll be reading..."
Karl: I'm happy.
Steve: That'll keep me going for a couple of weeks.
Ricky: "I'll be reading that later."
Steve: Did you get to the monkey sanctuary? Cause this was the big thing. You were going down to Cornwall. You were gonna visit the monkey sanctuary. I've never seen someone more excited. You had two days put aside for the monkey sanctuary.
Karl: Hmm. I know.
Steve: How did it go? Monkey World.
Karl: Ummm... We were on our way, right. I found like a little, uh, in the little cottage that we had, right... it's like a little, uh, little folder. You know, with little leaflets.
Steve: Hmm.
Karl: You know with little leaflets in saying if you're... you know, if you're into mountains you wanna go here.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: If you're into castles and that...
Steve: Go to Castle World.
Karl: Uh, little monkey on the leaflet, right, so I thought I'll be needing that. Took that out. Made sure that's safe and that, right.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: We get in the car. Getting ready to go. Ahhh, me dad says "where is it?" I look on the back. It's in a place called Looe, or something like that, right. So uh, we're on our way. Can't believe me luck. It's gonna be a great day and all that.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: And then uh, start looking at the leaflet, right. And uh, noticed... didn't have any chimps there.
Ricky: Yeah, it's not- it's not Monkey World.
Karl: It wasn't a Monkey World.
Ricky: No.
Steve: Well how it- what- what was it called then?
Karl: Something like...
Ricky: Mo- Mon- Monkey Town.
Steve Chuckles
Karl: Yeah it- [stammers] it had like woolly monkeys in it. That's- that's-
Steve: It had what?
Ricky: Woolly monkeys.
Steve: What are woolly monkeys?
Ricky: Those things... Johnny Vegas off the advert.
Steve: Right.
Ricky: That's them. They're done now since ITV Digital went under.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: So they just put them in a cage.
Steve: I don't underst-
Ricky: They're woolly- they're- they're like um... They're sort of like little fluffy, little baboon type things, woolly monkeys. I mean not- it's not your chimp.
Steve: Right.
Ricky: It's- it's- it's not your classic chimpanzee.
Steve: So did the car screech to a halt?
Karl: It was like...
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: It was like the mission in Armageddon. I just said, "Abort!"
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Karl: Umm... we're on the way back.
Steve: So how far had you got before you bothered to read the leaflet?
Karl: Uhh, probably about five miles...
Steve: Right.
Karl: ...from where we were.
Steve: So what did you do with yourself? You must've been distraught!
Karl: We went to...
Ricky: Well, they broke down and then they heard banjo music.
Steve: Yeah, yeah.
Ricky imitates banjo sounds
Karl: No we went to a, uh, sort of a- an, amusement place.
Steve: An arcade.
Ricky: I'd love to see you in that. What, with- putting those coins in so it has to roll down. And they go flat and then an arm pushes them...
Karl: It was one of them.
Ricky: Really?
Karl: But I've had worse-
Ricky: I spent years on that when I was little.
Karl: Well there's a new one. I can't be bothered explaining it. But it's a con. Uh…. we went to this place, right. Me mam and dad had been there before and said "you'll love it, It's brilliant. It's got like er... a war bit in it."
Steve: A war bit? Right.
Karl: Yeah like, because they know I'm into tanks and stuff.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Said, "you'll be loving that".
Ricky: S-Sorry I didn't know you were into tanks.
Steve: No.
Karl: Well... They're alright.
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Steve: Brilliant. It's gone from one of his childhood passions to "eh, alright."
Ricky: I know, yeah. Come on.
Karl: And uh, but it was- it was- it was awful. I mean me mam and dad been there before and they said "no, you'll love it."
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: It was like... really miserable day, right.
Steve: Sure.
Karl: Uh, all the rides and that were broke.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Broke!
Steve: It just reminds me of Manchester.
Ricky Laughs
Karl: Me dad just ended up, uh... He was more interested in- there was a really fat family there.
Steve: Well presumably he was breaking into the machines trying to scoop off the cash before he got caught.
Karl: No no-
Ricky: I like the fact that those poor fat family were going, "Why are those people looking at us?"
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: "Oh, do you want to ride one?"
Karl: No, but there were- there were-
Ricky: "We're not- we're not a ride!"
Karl: They were massive and they just, like... "look at that! Look at the state of that!" The whole family.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Just, you know, fat.
Steve: Bloaters, yeah.
Ricky: Alright. Calm down.
Karl: Uh, no but they- they- because fat is... no- no need for it, is there? And he- he was really like, "Oh, God." And then he wanted to follow them into the house of mirrors to see what they'd look like.
Ricky erupts in laughter
Karl: Uh, but me mam, me mam had got bored. She went off to buy a little Snow White figure. She couldn't believe her luck. It was only £2.99.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Thought is was gonna be really expensive, so she's got one of them.
Steve: Sure, she's a classy lady.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: So she enjoyed that. And then me dad says, "Come on were going. It's rubbish, this."
Ricky: What, the fat family wouldn't let him play with them?
Karl: So uh, he just said on the way home, he said, "I can safely say that I never wanna go there again before I die."
Steve Laughs
Karl: So, that was that. And we went home...
Ricky: Why would he ever give you that information? In case it was like, a- a secret birthday present?
Steve: Yeah!
Ricky: "Oh, God. What if they get me a trip to here?" Or if he's in a coma and you go, "I'll tell you what..."
Steve: "Dad?"
Ricky: "...I thought I'll bring him out of it."
Steve Laughs
Steve: "That fat couple!"
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: Yeah!
Steve: "By his bedside!"
Karl: But- but Suzanne said she now realizes why I am the way I am. After spending like a week with them. She says...
Steve: What they- they told- they told her that they dropped you on your head as a kid, or...?
Karl: No just- just like, you know, the way they act and that.
Steve: Right, yeah.
Karl: Uh...
Ricky: So they never say anything like, "Suzanne, so uh, why is the moon out at night and the sun in the day..."
Steve Laughs
Ricky: Oh, God!
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Oh, God, there's three of them!
Steve: "Suzanne, can you tie my shoelaces again?"
Ricky Chuckles
Karl: It was the bit when me dad said, "Don't waste money on a coffin for him just put him in a bin bag."
Ricky and Steve erupt in laughter
Steve: Your father said that?! About himself?
Karl: Yup.
Steve: Well it's a great idea! I'm glad you mentioned that 'cause...
Ricky: That is great.
Steve: ...that gives me an idea.
Song: Coldplay - God Put a Smile upon Your Face
Build A Big Horse, Hide Inside It
Ricky: Coldplay. God Put a Smile upon Your Face. On XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington.
Steve: Read in the paper yesterday, Rick, they uhh, were talking about the fact that Blair has been- I think he's been in Greece, umm, discussing E.U. matters.
Ricky: Oh yeah.
Steve: And they used, uhh, the old Trojan Horse analogy...
Ricky: Yup.
Steve: ...to say you know here's a particular policy and it seems like they're trying to sneak in.
Ricky: Sneak in.
Steve: Sneak in some kind of dubious...
Ricky: Disguised as something else.
Steve: Exactly. And uh, it has always struck me- ever since I was first introduced to the Trojan Horse theory I never understood how it had come about. Do you know what I mean?
Ricky: Sorry uh uh, Karl has got a frown on him. Like a thing I haven't seen.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Uh uh Karl do you...
Steve: Tony Blair is the prime minister.
Ricky laughs.
Ricky: You know what the Trojan Horse was?
Karl: Go on.
Ricky: Um, it was a siege...
Steve: Have you come across this before? Have you heard of it before?
Karl: Erm, wasn't an Ascot, or anything?
Ricky and Steve laugh
Karl: Go on.
Steve: Well the Trojan Horse. What happened was, uh it's- it's a famous, kind of, Greek story about the fact uh that the Greeks laid-
Ricky: In olden times Karl, olden times.
Steve: Olden times, you know. The '70s.
Ricky: Specifically. Yeah.
Steve: The Greeks laid siege to Troy for six years.
Ricky: Waiting.
Steve: Basically, things had got out of hand. Uh, I think the Trojans had done something with Helen. And someone else was annoyed- anyway it all got very complicated. It got out of hand. And the, uh Greeks-
Ricky: The Helen, the one with the mashed up face 'cause they used to use it to launch ships.
Steve: Hmm. Anyway, uhh... the Greeks laid siege to Troy for six years, right, and they weren't getting anywhere. They were outside the gates, they were saying "let us in," they weren't they [mumbling]. So what they did was they all disappeared. They all- they all-
Ricky: They wanted to get in and kill everyone.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: That's why they wouldn't be letting 'em in.
Steve: But they couldn't get inside the city walls. So what they did was they left, as a gift, for the Troy- Trojans, they left an enormous wooden horse, okay. As- as a gift. And then they all buggered off.
Ricky: Like forty foot high. Fifty foot. Like, I mean a big, you know...
Steve: Big wooden horse.
Ricky: ...an ark of a horse.
Steve: And the Trojans wheeled it into the city.
Ricky: So that's nice.
Steve: Thought "what a lovely gift!"
Ricky: Yup.
Steve: And lo and behold, who was hiding inside but the entire Greek army. Leaped out and killed everyone in their sleep.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Alright. And that's where the famous idea of a Trojan Horse has come from, you know; sneaking something in disguised as something else.
Karl: Alright.
Steve: Alright?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Okay?
Ricky: So if you ever... yeah...
Steve: He doesn't really understand does he?
Ricky: No but, to be honest, nor do I.
Steve: Well I- this is the problem I've always had with this. I- I- It- 'Cause I don't understand who comes up with the idea. I mean...
Ricky: But I- I can't think that was the best idea.
Steve: Well no no
Ricky: There must've been other ways. If they come up with that- How long did it take them to get- When they said... One- one- one- person said "hold on, like, oh wo wo wo wo wo wo, umm, can I have a word?"
Steve: "Go on."
Ricky: "General, um, I've got an idea."
Steve: "Yeah."
Ricky: "Build a big horse, right. Hide inside it. And then, then... ah! I know what you're thinking - they won't let us in even in the horse."
Steve: "Yeah."
Ricky: "Leave it... as a gift."
Steve: "Brilliant! Right, who are you? That's the best idea? Are you the guy who came up with 'why don't get a giant bra and twing it over the walls.'"
Ricky laughs.
Ricky: "Yeah. Let's get a- let's get a 100 foot ruler. And you know like at school you used to like flick the teacher's ass with like a- right, I could flick you over one at a time..."
Steve: "Right."
Ricky: "...on this giant ruler."
Steve: "Thanks for your idea. It's on the table."
Ricky: "Yeah."
Steve: "We've got a couple of other suggestions on the way."
Ricky: "What about a million elastic bands, tied together, yeah, and you all hold it down. And then I just let you go."
Steve: "Right."
Ricky: "And you all ping over and then you kill 'em in their sleep."
Steve: "You're the best tactician we've got, are you?"
Ricky: The other thing is, right... These people opened the- for some reason opened the door.
Steve: What I don't understand- firstly, there's suddenly the- the army that has laid siege to them for six years has disappeared.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: In their place, an enormous gift of a giant wooden horse.
Ricky: "Oh the probably don't want to kill us now. But what they've done is they've built us a horse."
Steve: "Yeah, they brought us a great gift, presumably there's a giant, kind of, card or something."
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: "You know, umm, something for you. Sorry about the laying siege and everything. Forgive you."
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: "Here's an enormous gift as a- here's an enormous Trojan Horse. We know it's what you've always wanted."
Ricky: "We- we're not inside it."
Steve laughs.
Steve: Exactly.
Ricky: "Why would they write that?"
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: "That's suspicious!"
Steve: But it- I mean-
Ricky: "Well, wheel it- wheel it in anyway."
Steve: But in terms of it as an idea initially, I mean, we're gonna give them a gift. Well what should we do? We could bake an enormous quiche, be inside that. We could have an enormous soap-on-a-rope as a- It's the fact that it's an enormous horse...
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: ...enormous wooden horse as a gift anyway... I don't know if this was a- a popular gift at the time. But it's also the stupidity of the Trojans saying, "Brilliant! I've always wanted an enormous wooden horse. Well what we gonna do with it? Where are we going to put it?"
Ricky: "We'll wheel it in anyway, leave it- Look- look- wheel it in. Let's go to sleep. Let's worry about it tomorrow."
Steve: Exactly.
Ricky: There's- there's a- yeah. But it's this idea of going, someone going, "right, is this definitely the best idea?" And they go, "yeah." And they look to the carpenter.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: And he goes, "but it's going to take a while!"
Steve: Yeah, "we've got to get wood"
Ricky: "We've got to get all the- the... well you haven't put a door in!"
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: "How they gonna get out the"
Steve: "It doesn't look like a horse!"
Ricky: "It is!"
Steve: "This is the worst horse I've ever seen! Why, it looks like a cow!"
Ricky: "Wow! They have- they have the utters where we hide!"
Steve laughs.
Ricky: "There's a horse to-"
Steve: "It's got no tail!"
Ricky: "It's here though- that's the rope that you climb up!"
Steve: But I don't know if it's one of those things where again, 'cause of, we kind of learn these things at school that somewhere along the line the truth of it has disappeared, and we're...
Ricky: Well I imagine it lost a bit in translation.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: 'Cause uhh, in- eohippus in Greek means 'giant tank.'
Steve: That makes me... right.
Ricky: So that- that's- there was a Sherman.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: And it burst through and it shot 'em all.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: But of course, down the years they've tried- look at Karl's face. Look at Karl's face! If everyone on webcam- Karl, just keep that face and look up to the camera. Right, just, right, get 'em- get- look at that now! Play a record, Karl. Educating Karl. We should bring that back!
Steve: We should bring that back.
Ricky: Yeah? Whatcha wanna learn about next week?
Steve: We've told you about the Trojan Horse.
Karl: Uhh, know anything about any freaks?
Song: Ash - Sometimes
Beware Greeks Bearing Gifts
Song: Placebo - This Picture
Ricky: Placebo. This Picture. On XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.
Karl: Right.
Ricky: So you've been educated there haven't ya. The Trojan Horse.
Karl: Yeah, so I- uhh yeah.
Ricky: The Trojan Horse. And that's of course where the phrase "beware Greeks bearing gifts" comes from.
Steve laughs.
Steve: Silence, again.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Well, what-
Ricky: You haven't heard of that one?
Karl: Go on. What's- what's that again?
Ricky: "Beware Greeks bearing gifts."
Karl: Right.
Steve: What do you think that means?
Karl: Uhh... I don't know. I mean, what- is that- is that used worldwide, or what? Will they say that in Greece as well, or...?
Ricky: Ah!
Steve laughs.
Karl: Can you imagine Christmas day is rubbish, if that...
Ricky and Steve laugh
Ricky: No, it- it doesn't actually mean "beware of Greeks bearing gifts," it's more to do with like, maybe it's too good to be true or, you know.
Steve: Just-
Ricky: It's the opposite to "don't look at gift horse in the mouth." Well, for probably more- go on.
Steve: Just- Justin from Southend emailed in and he just said uh, "for the Trojans not to have spotted that it was a trick, they must have been the biggest bunch of moronic mmm-yeah ever to have walked the Earth. Does Karl have any Trojan in him by any chance?"
Ricky: Cheeky innit.
Steve: Aye.
Karl: What?
Ricky laughs.
Steve: Nevermind. I think that promptly proves it.
Ricky: I thought of another one like it as well. Another saying. "You may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb."
Steve: I've never heard- I don't think I've heard that. I have heard but I don't think I've ever used it in common parlance.
Ricky: Well it's like, if you're gonna do something, you know, you might as well go the whole hog depending on the- the outcome. Be- because it's based on reality- that's why I like it. Because obviously the poor people used to poach and if they were caught stealing... you know, a sheep or anything, they would be hung. So if you're gonna get caught don't c- steal a lamb... you know. At least feed your family for a few weeks.
Steve: Right. Sure.
Ricky: Kill a sheep.
Steve: Yeah. Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah. Actually hung. Killing a sheep.
Steve: Harsh. Your dad would be in trouble down in Wales. Stealing stuff from that uh, from that phone box.
Karl: Well he has a couple of sayings, right.
Steve: Your dad does?
Karl: Erh, yeah I've- I've never asked him what they mean. Erhm.
Ricky: Why would ya? "How old's Suzanne?"
Karl: One- one is, uhh... "Don't try and teach your granny to suck eggs."
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Well...
Karl: What does that mean?
Ricky: That means... uh, it's patronizing to- to- of course, of course I know that. You're- you're talking to someone who knows more about this subject than you.
Karl: But how did that happen then? How did that saying come about?
Ricky: Well it's not... it's- it's- it's a totally made up thing. It's like, your granny sucks eggs, didn't she 'cause she's- she's older than you and it's probably a lost art or something.
Karl: Alright. Uhh, and the other one, erhm... don't-
Steve: Sucks eggs?
Karl: Sucks eggs, yeah.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Sucks eggs. Sorry, I thought you said something else.
Ricky snickers.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Uhh, "don't nudge your granny when she's shaving."
Steve: Whaa- What?
Karl: "Don't-
Ricky: Sorry.
Karl: "Don't nudge your granny while she's shaving."
Steve: "Don't nudge your-" sorry, well that's slower I can't-
Karl: "Don't-" "Don't-"
Ricky: "Don't nudge your-
Karl: "Don't nudge your granny when she's having a shave."
Ricky: Well what is that in context 'cause I can't work out what the analogy is there because that might just be you- you- when you were little you used to run up to your granny while she was shaving or something. And she kept-
Steve: But what- why is your granny shaving?
Ricky: Well no what to- what context does that settle in? Tell me the last time your dad ever said that and I'll try and work out what it means.
Karl: Uhhh... Can't remember. I can't uh- d- d-
Steve: Are you sure these aren't specific to your gran?
Ricky: I was gonna say! Why are you nudging your granny? She was going...
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: "Get lost Karl!"
Steve: She was shaving off her moustache.
Karl: I-
Ricky: Or giving herself a brazilian.
Steve laughs.
Steve: Oh God!
Ricky laughs.
Steve: That's grotesque! Sucking eggs, sucking eggs, sucking eggs.
Ricky: Sucking eggs. Oh, oh god.
Steve: Try and get that instead. That's a-
Ricky: That's made- that's made it even worse!
Steve: Yeah, that's made it even worse!
Ricky: Karl's granny sucking eggs, whilst as-
Steve laughs.
Ricky: That is my...
Steve: "Give herself a brazilian."
Ricky laughs.
Steve: We've no idea what- I don't know what that means. "Don't nudge your granny while she's shaving." What, parmesan?
Karl: I- I don't know. Maybe someone knows. You might be right, maybe. It's a-
Ricky: Well, email in. Tell us.
Karl: Yeah, yeah.
Steve: Anyway. Rockbusters, Karl.
Karl: Go on.
Steve: Yeah? Should we get the ball rolling? Let me just find the, uh, the gifts here. The little treats. We got the album from The Coral; you know what I think about that. We've got uhh...
Ricky: The Cor-
Steve: Comfort in Sound. Feeder. Well, it's just a novelty record, isn't it?
Ricky: Yeah. Same.
Steve: Um, we've got uh, on DVD More Great Comedy Moments: Favourite Clips from the Best of Contemporary BBC Comedy. We got Partridge on the front there, we've got one of the guys from Red Dwarf. And uhh...
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: One of those... good stuff on there. Smash Hits: The Reunion. More great '80s tunes. Kajagoogoo's on there, uhh plus some stuff...
Ricky: Too Shy?!
Steve: It is Too Shy! Don't ya know.
Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Steve: Actually let me see if you can guess which ones.
Ricky: Go on.
Steve: Tiffany.
Ricky: Uhh, oh yeah I know it. The only one. Uh...
Steve: I Think We're Alone Now.
Ricky: Yeah, I Think We're Alone, yeah.
Steve: Umm, Mel & Kim?
Ricky: Ah, Respectable.
Steve: Hmmhmm. Human League?
Ricky: That'd be, oh wow what would it do with... they've got Don't You Want Me?
Steve: Course.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Yeah. A-ha?
Ricky: Take- Lies- Take On Me?
Steve: Yeah. Well done.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Umm... Madness?
Ricky: Baggy Trousers.
Steve: Of course. Ah, Kim Wilde?
Ricky: Kids in America?
Steve: Yeah, so there's just all those treats. If you- if you-
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: If- if you like a song from an '80s band it's probably on there.
Ricky: Yeah, okay.
Steve: Plus you've also got on uh VHS, uhhh, Graham Norton. Some kind of best of compilation from his TV show. So uh, there the umm...
Ricky: Hold on. Is- is it the one where he talks to sort of female gay icons and- and looks at the internet.
Steve: I c-
Ricky: 'Cause that's my favourite one! Ummmm... right! There ya go. Let's do Rockbusters.
Karl: Alright.
Steve: Email only, of course.
Karl: Yeah, yeah. Uhhh... you email in [email protected] if you know the answer. Right, first one. Ahh, bit of a cryptic clue. If you haven't heard it before.
Ricky: Well, not cryptic, but go on.
Karl: Ummmmm...
Ricky: What- what is Karl thinking?
Karl: If you go into France by boat, I'd get your fags on there 'cause it's a lot cheaper.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
Ricky: Imagine Bob Holness, "Sorry, we're out of time! I- uh- sorry, your minute's up. You've won nothing. I was reading that question out."
Steve laughs.
Steve: Sorry, so what's the uh...
Ricky: Right. Right, do it again. And I want it to be exactly the same, word perfect. I bet you it will change all over the place. Your ridic- he's lost it! Right.
Steve: "Go into France, buy yourself a boat, and the fags are cheaper."
Ricky: Yeah! Okay. Okay, okay. "Fingers on the buzzers. Um, you've only got ten seconds to win the, uh, the gold run. Okay, first up. Here! I'll tell you what. No, seriously. If you want- you're thinking of going to France, well don't! You know, because... go on the ferry, get the fags there! 'Cause it's cheaper." Go on.
Karl: Right, so that one again. Uhh, if you want to buy some fags. You're going over to France on a boat. Get 'em on there 'cause you'll save a few quid. B.F. Right.
Steve: B.F.
Karl: B.F.
Steve: Okay.
Ricky: Okay.
Karl: Right, the second one. Erhm, this little uhh...
Steve laughs.
Karl: ...foreign cafe is growing its own steak.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: "This little foreign cafe is growing its own steak."
Karl: This little foreign cafe is growing its own steak.
Ricky: Go on.
Karl: D.
Steve: Alright.
Karl: Right.
Ricky: Okay.
Karl: And the last one. Uhhh, ohhh... hmm.
Steve laughs.
Steve: [mumbles]
Karl: Hang on.
Ricky laughs.
Ricky: He's the best! Isn't he!
Steve: Yup.
Ricky: He's the best!
Karl: The Jamaican fella might have screamed this on the uhh...
Ricky: Ugh, Christ.
Karl: ...on the Titanic.
Ricky: What?
Steve: The Jamaican fella might have scre- might have screamed this on the Titanic.
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: I- I- what- what's it start with?
Karl: It's uhh, C.D., that one.
Steve laughs.
Steve: The Jamaican fella might have screamed this on the Titanic. [email protected] please don't phone in. Um, if you can get those we just don't want to talk to you.
Ricky laughs.
Karl: Is that Nelly?
Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, sweet.
Steve: It's a summer tune. It's a summer fade away.
Ricky: Sweet.
Song: Nelly feat. City Spud - Ride with Me
I Love Your Family
Steve: Nelly. Ride with Me. Ah, that's featuring City Spud. I don't know if you're aware of that, but uh, there we are. Good. Nice summer tune. XFM.
Ricky: Karl! Tell, uh, Steve what you just told me when Steve was in the toilet then.
Karl: Right. You know, I've- I've just been away with me mam and dad and that.
Steve: Hmm.
Karl: And uh, one of the things I always like doing is having a good chat with me dad about stuff he got up to... when he was a kid and that.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Right, 'cause he got up to loads of stuff. And every time I see him, tells me something n- it- it's like, "why you just telling me that now?"
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: It's brilliant.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Right, so uhh,
Ricky laughs.
Steve: I- I've- I don- To me he's kind of like Ronnie Biggs or someone. He's just the most extraordinary, kind of, character...
Karl: Well this- this happened, right. I- I can't remember... there was a delay yesterday. There was problems on the Paddington line.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: And he was saying, "oh, trains aren't what they used to be."
Steve: Sure.
Karl: Erhm, he said, "you know, there was-"
Ricky: "They used to be horses, didn't they?"
Karl: Well he was like- he was looking in the booklet... and it was saying how you can have your bags collected if you want. Or it costs you a fiver.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: So that's outrageous.
Steve: Sure, of course.
Karl: Right, so he said, "that's the problem with this country. Erh, we've got good with computers and that, but when it comes to like, getting service... it's gone out the window."
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Right. So he said, "when I worked on the trains, you know," and he was going on like this, that, and the other. So I said, "oh I- I didn't know you worked on the trains." He said, uhh, "yeah, yeah when I was eighteen..." right, it was his job to get the coal, right, and chuck it in the engine...
Steve: Uh-huh.
Karl: Right. And one day he's in, uhh, he's in Grand Central Station in Manchester which is now the G-MEX Center.
Steve: Right.
Karl: Right. And that was, like, the main station. And uh... he was in there. The fella who should have been, sort of, driving the train, right...
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: ...he said, "oh, I'm just nipping to the pub."
Steve: Sure.
Karl: "So you just stay here. Keep the engine topped up and stuff."
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: So he's like, "yeah alright-"
Ricky: For a quick getaway.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Alright. So uhh, so the fella goes in- in the pub. And me dad's in there, you know, putting the coal on. He- he did his bacon and eggs on a little, uh, on a little shovel.
Steve: Yup, yup.
Karl: And uhh, anyway. Fella comes up, he says, "right, can you move the, uh, train forward now?"
Steve: Oh, blimey.
Karl: So he's like, "ohh..." So he didn't want to say, "oh, the fella's in the pub," because he'd know he'd say, "what's he doing in the pub? He should be working," right.
Steve: Of course.
Karl: So he said, "yeah yeah yeah, no problem. I'll sort it out." Right. So he, uh, puts it- puts it into gear or whatever you do on... on them trains. Right.
Steve: Sure, put it into first gear.
Karl: Starts going forward. Now, people who don't know about trains... something that I learned, is if you're carrying a load of coal or whatever on the back of it... they don't have brakes on each carriage, right. It's only the engine that has brakes on it.
Steve: Uh-huh.
Karl: So when you pull the brakes on the- on the engine, the whole weight of what it's pulling is pushing you forward.
Steve: Sure.
Karl: Right.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: So, he doesn't realise this though 'cause he's- he's just used to cooking bacon and eggs and chucking coal in the thing.
Steve: Course, yeah. So you've got to slam the brakes on sooner than you would normally-
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: Well you'd have to anticipate, I su'pose- yeah yeah.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: But he- he didn't know that...
Steve: Of course he didn't, no.
Karl: ...so he's pulling in this thing and right...
Steve: Well he's a Pilkington.
Karl: Put the brakes- I'll put the brakes on now.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Right. Put the brakes on. The train's just- keeps going. He's going, "oh, God it's not stopping."
Steve: Sure.
Karl: It ploughs right through the signal box.
Steve chortles.
Karl: Right. Uhh, loads of damage.
Steve: The baboon pulling the signals doesn't know what to do.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Loads of- loads of damage done. Apparently, it- if- if it was today's money...
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: ...it would be about three to four...
Steve laughs.
Karl: ...millions pounds worth of damage. It- it- it shut the station off...
Steve: God!
Karl: ...for four weeks. Erhm. But he didn't lose his job. The fella lost his job; the- one who was in the- in the pub.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Erhm, he said, "the funny thing was," he said, like, four million pounds worth of damage. Erhm. He did his ankle- his uh- his wrist in. He had three weeks off sick and got paid.
Steve laughs.
Karl: Said, "it's brilliant." So...
Ricky: I... love your family.
Steve: It's extraordinary. The Pilkington gene.
Karl: Weird, innit?
Steve: I'd like to see a documentary following you and your family. You'd have to get the family involved.
Karl: No the- the- sort of stuff me dad goes on about. They'd never put it on telly.
Steve: Hmm.
Ricky laughs.
Song: Blur - Out of Time