09 February 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 26 January 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

They still Think You Talk A Little Bit Too Much

Ricky: White Stripes, Fell In Love With A Girl, XFM 104.9, five past one, of a Saturday, that's what DJs say.

Steve: 'Of a Saturday.'

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: 'Of a Saturday...'

Ricky: Fast approaching...

Steve: Time fast approaching ten past one...

Ricky giggles.

Steve: What do you, what do you mean 'it's fast approaching', what it's speeding up is it? Time speeding up as it gets towards ten past two? Shut up!

Ricky: Ricky Gervais, obviously.

Steve: With him, Steve Merchant.

Ricky: Yeah, and Karl Pilkington...

Steve: Let's not forget Karl Pil- Karl P, the K-man.

Ricky: He's, peop-, he's growing on people now.

Steve: People love him; people love him.

Ricky: People was thinking 'oh god', 'oh he's, he's too much', now they're going 'they love him', like same as you, I mean they, they still think you talk a little bit too much, but I mean they love Karl, and you know, but, er, I shouldn't say that, cos it'll, it'll you know, rock your confidence.

Steve: Exactly, exactly.

Ricky: You know, yeah...

Steve: No, no, no, I am a man of... nerves, sorry I'm sidetracked Rick, cos I'm looking on the Internet here, on the website for XFM...

Ricky: Yeah, bored?

Steve: Cos, I was... yeah, partly bored, but also I was looking on there the other day, cos...

Ricky: Nothing I said, though, was it?

Steve: No, no, no.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: And, there was some people, er, commenting on the show.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And one person on there, and I'm trying to find it here, I don't wanna misquote them, but basically as far as I remember, they said that we knew even less about the music than the Djs that are on in the week.

Ricky: Right, I think, that is scientifically impossible.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So they've embarrassed themselves.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: I think, I think, it's impossible.

Steve: You can't know less than the people that are on in the week.

Ricky: I don't think so.

Steve: It's like, it's just...

Ricky: I mean, I, I...

Steve: It's like trying to multiply zero.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You just end up with zero.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It doesn't make sense.

Ricky: I'll check with Steve Taylor, 'the man with the knowledge'.

Steve: Hmm.

Ricky: He should know, but I p-, pretty, I don't think that, that's really annoying!

Steve: It's so annoying, because I'll tell you this, we are passionate about the music, and we do know what we're talking about, just cos we don't read the back of the CD box...

Ricky: No!

Steve: Like Claire Sturgess or Ian Camfield.

Ricky: Or play the list we're given, with the nine CDs that's on the playlist every month.

Steve: There's a piece of paper here...

Ricky: Karl's looking at me!He's thinking 'oh no, we're having a go.'

Steve: We're giving away the magic of radio.

Ricky cackles.

Steve: We get pieces of paper here, and they got little bits of details, so for instance White Stripes, “this is the next single of White Blood Cells, February 2002”, now it sounds like we know about the music...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We read that off a piece of a paper.

Ricky: Exactly. Whereas, when we say about music and we're wrong, at least we, it's cos we didn't know!

Steve: Exactly!

Ricky: See!

Steve: Alright... don't criticise us...

Jaffa Cakes Cure Cancer

Ricky back announces the song by mumbling incoherently about 'Allstars'.

Steve: Sorry, can I just, I don't wanna criticise there...

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: But if I was listening and I'd enjoyed that track and wanted to know what it was, I wouldn't have understood what you just said.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Can you just say that again?

Ricky: Low Fidelity Allstars.

Steve: Yeah, Low Fidelity, cos you went...

Steve does an impresssion of Ricky's poor diction.

Ricky: I was doing a, I was doing me DJ talk...

Steve: No, it's just you didn't...

Ricky: Lazy...

Steve: ...open your mouth wide enough, as usual.

Ricky: I can't be bothered!

Steve: No, sure.

Ricky: It's, it takes too, look at him, listen to him crinchling his little, 'crinchling'?

Steve: Crinchling?

You're not crinchling are you?

Ricky: You're not crinchling your Jaffa Cakes are you?

Karl: It wasn't going out on air; no-one knew.

Ricky: I bet you're one of those people in cinemas that think you're being really quiet, eating a bag of crisps, aren't ya? Do you go to cinemas?

Karl: Hmm, haven't been for a bit actually...

Steve: What do you do Karl?

Ricky: (Brief Cackle) Karl!

Steve: What's an entertaining evening for you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What would you do to occupy your time?

Karl: ...erm...

Steve: Your hobbies for instance?

Karl: Might, might get a video out, from Prime Time.

Steve: Right, what, what, what, what, would you enjoy that, or would it just be a chore for you?

Karl: No, no, I think things like that...

Ricky: Would you really hate doing that?

Karl: That's when you really switch off, and you forget all your problems and stuff...

Ricky: Why...you haven't got any problems!

Steve: You haven't got any problems Karl.

Ricky: You haven't...

Karl: You don't know that, I put on a face when I'm with you!

Ricky gives a short but massive burst of laughter.

Steve: You wear a mask... are you crying inside?

Ricky: This is you being the happiest you can be, you're like a clown aren't ya? Oh...

Karl: You think I'm like a hard miserable man? Cos I was, somebody else...

Ricky: I don't think you're hard.

Karl: ...was saying this the other day and like I said to 'em 'I can't watch The Elephant Man, because it upsets me...'

Ricky explodes with laughter.

Ricky: Karl! You're the best! You don't know you're doing it, you're the best.

Karl: Can you watch it?

Ricky: Erm, well...

Karl: When it gets to that bit, where they're carrying him through the village, and they're messing about with his head.

Steve: This is true, my dad watched that once, and we were watching it, and my mum and my sister and that were all quite moved by it, almost moved to tears, thinking it was a wonderful example of man's inhumanity to man and all those things, and my dad just went, 'wouldn't he make an amazing novelty rucksack.'

Ricky bursts.

Steve: And it cheapened the film for me, I've never had that sort of emotion since...

Ricky: Steve was thinking 'he's not that ugly'.

Steve gulps his tea.

Steve: Blimey here we go! We were laughing at Karl! Can we focus on one person at a time, Rick, please, let's destroy him first.

Ricky: Oh god, tell him what you said to me when that record was playing, about the Jaffa Cak... he handed, he bought some Jaffa Cakes in, which was lovely, he went across the road, and he handed out the Jaffa Cakes, and I went 'oh thanks very much' and then what did you say?

Karl: I just remember learning at school, er, and I'm not like making fun of the illness cos it's not funny, but, erm, they cure cancer.

Steve: Jaffa Cakes cure cancer?

Karl: Not, not like fully.

Steve: They just go some way to helping...

Karl: Yeah, do you know erm, it'll sort of help. If you've got it you can't say, get me a load of Jaffa Cakes...

Steve: Right.

Karl: But I think it sort of puts a bit of a stop to it, if you haven't got it. D'you know what I mean, it's like having vitamin tablets.

Steve: Is this medically proven? Should we get Dr Fox down here to confirm that?

Ricky: (Through giggles) I can't... I can't...

Karl: I'm not sure...

Ricky: I actually can't cope. You are just... play a record...play a record.

Steve: Can I just, if anyone has ever survived cancer thanks to Jaffa Cakes, please call in.

Karl: No, but I didn't say that!

Ricky: Then he said, he went 'it's the orange thing in it', and then he read, he tried to read, he said 'I wonder if it's...' and he tried to read out this scientific name!

Shakespeare Doesn't Count?

Ricky: Gomez, that's my favourite one they've ever done.

Steve: It's great isn't it?

Ricky: Yeah, really good, yeah.

Steve: Cos I always had a problem with Gomez, before, cos it always sounded like they were trying to sound like these world weary Tom Wait style gravelly-voiced guys...

Ricky: And they were 20.

Steve: ...and they were like 14, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, but I mean that, that's great, that's really good, yeah...

Steve: Yeah, no, it's incredible.

Ricky: Well done boys!

Steve: Yeah, well done.

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: (In Voiceover voice) 'Ricky Gervais gives it thumbs up!'

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Oh dear, can I play an Elvis Costello track?

Steve: You know, I'd love to bloody hear some Elvis Costello, d'you mind me saying that?

Ricky: Well, you know why, cos we met him and he's a lovely man.

Steve: We did meet him yeah.

Ricky: And yeah...

Steve: Without wishing to show off.

Ricky: And I remembered all the great songs he's ever done, I didn't like his spoken word much, too, you know too much, and, er, some of his later projects, I thought were a little bit- but his own songs, from, you know, 1978 to about 198- I thought were great.

Steve: Why did we meet him, I'm just trying to remember why we met him Rick?

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: Can't remember...

Ricky: I wasn't, well I wasn't doing that.

Steve: No, I just... I can't remember...

Ricky: We won an award.

Steve: Is it cos we won another 'bloody' award...

Ricky shrieks with laughter.

Steve: Arrrr, stop giving us awards please!

Ricky: Oh god...

Steve: Oh... I've not got enough room in my house!

Ricky: Oh dear, we've only got two; and we haven't got one of those, one of them's the BBC's, so he's got a lot of room in his house, and I've got the other one, he let me have it, so he's got no awards in his house at all.

Steve: Can I, erm...

Ricky: You can borrow it.

Steve: Can I, I don't know who you were talking to, I spoke to Richard Wilson from 'One Foot in the Grave'.

Ricky: I spoke to him briefly.

Steve: He's a lovely bloke, he's a really nice guy, but he said to me, he said, could he, er “Could I do a cameo in 'The Office' for £40,000” and I went 'Could like Ricky do like an amusing pratfall or something, then you just come in as a cleaner and go “I don't believe it.”' and he looked at me like, like, why have you said that...

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: Why have you brought that up? I felt so guilty.

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: I just felt so, I so wanted to apologise.

Ricky: But why is it, we know it's wrong to do that!

Steve: I don't know why I said it!

Ricky: We know not to do it.

Steve: I don't know why I said it.

Ricky: Do we think 'no it's different for me'.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: I'll...

Steve: We're in the business.

Ricky: I'll do a new twist on 'I don't believe it' and he'll go 'you know that's the best 'I don't believe it' twist I've ever heard.

Steve: I don't know what I was thinking.

Ricky: Why did you...?

Steve: I was so...

Ricky: ...you didn't tell me that.

Steve: I know, I felt ashamed; I felt really ashamed.

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: I was a little bit drunk, I wasn't thinking straight.

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: It's so embarrassing. I was talking to a friend of mine, who said, who was it, er, he said that he was watching, it was erm, it was a sportscast, it may have been Formula One racing, or something like that, and he was watching and there was the commentator and you know the commentators have got to keep talking all the time.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And he was going “...and there's the, there's the team there, oh, good to see soandso's girlfriend in the...” and he said he saw, and it cut to Richard Wilson in the audience and he went, and the bloke went, “and there's... One Foot in the Grave.”

Ricky cackles.

Steve: I love that, he knew he had to say it, but he couldn't remember his name, or the character.

Ricky: That's fantastic!

Steve: “And there's... One Foot in the Grave.”

Ricky: Oh dear!

Steve: That would be brilliant, “And there's... The Office.”

Laughter from Ricky.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: What you're, you're putting us alongside One Foot in the Grave, a thing that's been going like ten years and won all those, you're putting us alongsi- it beat us Steve, get over it, it beat us in The Comedy Awards.

Steve: No, I'm just saying you're like, an identifiable face if you were at a Formula One event, you know, old, grumpy...

Ricky: One foot in the grave.

Steve: Yeah, one foot in the grave, exactly, anyway, Karl, any thoughts before we move on? On anything we've said so far?

Karl: Elvis Costello...

Ricky: Well, I wanted to play 'Red Shoes'.

Steve: Are we ready for...

Karl: Not yet, not yet, I was just saying...

Ricky: What?

Karl: ...do you know who is dad is?

Ricky: Declas... MacManus, no, Declas Mac...

Karl: I don't know his real name.

Ricky: Declan MacManus, he was a big band leader in the fifties or something weren't he?

Karl: No, he was in the R. Whites lemonade ad.

Ricky: Oh!

Karl: Was he?

Ricky: Oh no, it's something, it's something to do with that.

Steve: Good, so we're catering there to the audience listening who are fifty and above.

Ricky squirts out a laugh.

Karl: I remember it.

Steve: Well I don't, and I'm the target audience.

Ricky: (Singing)”I'm a secret lemonade drinker, R. Whites, R. Whites Lemonade...” you must remember that.

Ricky: Never heard that.

Ricky: Oh, oh those chimps that drink tea, oh. Once right, at school, we had a French dictionary, and you know (singing) “Ice cold co- coke, on the back of my throat, singing hello summertime, it's the real thing!” Remember that?

Steve: No!

Ricky: Oh you weren't there - we translated that into French...

Steve: Is that the end of that story?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That's the end of the story...

Ricky: Yeah! But I know it in French!

Steve: Do it.

Ricky: But it doesn't make sense, we just literally did the word...

Steve: Go on, let me hear it... can't believe you remember this.

Ricky: Tres froid Coke, sur la derriere a mon gorge, chanter bonjour estivale-temps, celebrate...

Steve: That's the only French you know isn't it!

Ricky: It's not even French, we just did it word for word, it doesn't make any sense.

Steve: Can you say another word of French?

Ricky: La plume...

Steve: Can you quote Shakespeare?

Ricky: La plume de ma tante.

Steve: Can you... can you...

Ricky: That's my aunt's pen.

Steve: ...quote anything else; is there anything else you can quote. Other than that, is there anything else you learned at school, that you can remember word for word?

Ricky: Nope.

Steve: Nothing.

Ricky: Le chat est sur la mûr.

Steve: I don't just mean French, I mean anything, English, maybe some, a bit, a bit of poetry...

Ricky: What do you mean...

Steve: ...you can remember.

Ricky: ...of course I can.

Steve: Go on, quote a bit of poetry for me.

Ricky: Erm, like what?

Steve: Whatever you want.

Ricky: “But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun, arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, Who is already sick...”, well, what do you want?

Steve: It doesn't really count.

Ricky: What, Shakespeare doesn't count!?

Steve: No cos that's... everyone knows that one!

Ricky: Oh go on, what then!? What should I know!?

Steve: ...The Windhover by Gerald Manley Hopkins.

Ricky laughs incredulously.

Steve: What you can't do that one? “I caught this morning morning’s minion, kingdom of daylight’s dauphin, dapple-dawn-drawn Falcon, in his riding...”

Ricky: Play a record... hang on, no, we haven't done Karl yet.

Steve: Wait a minute, K-man, anything you can remember from school that you learned? That you maybe had to memorise.

Karl: French... French?

Steve: Not necessarily French, could be...

Ricky: Anything, anything you can remember, this could be anything you remember from school, apart from the orange stuff stops cancer.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: “It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in.”

Ricky: Play a record.