02 March 2002/Transcript
This is a transcript of the 02 March 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1
If I Win, I Won't Tell Ya
Song: Zero 7 - Distractions
Ricky: Zero 7, Distractions. Very nice. Yes, I approve of that, Karl. Good – good choice there. Now, Steve.
Steve: Yes.
Ricky: Karl came round to my flat, uh, it was Tuesday night, wasn’t it.
Karl: Nice place.
Ricky: Now, um, thanks. Now, last week after the show, I think you (mumbles), in the time you went to toilet, right, Karl got out the lottery, uh, ticket that he bought, he went, I’m feeling really confident tonight. He was goin’ – I laughed – he said, No seriously, look at the numbers. And I looked at ‘em, I think they were 4 – 6 – 8 – 20 – 36 – 48, weren’t they? He was goin’ I’ve just got a feelin’ about those, I went Sure. He went Although, you know, m’ girlfriend said that if I won the lottery, we’d prob’ly split up, ‘cause we like such different things. Mean’, she likes to travel, and he doesn’t, and so he says, he said, so what I said was, Well if I win then I won’t tell ya. I’ll just treat you a little bit more.
Steve tee-hees
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: That’s brilliant logic!
Ricky: That is great. Anyway,
Karl: I’d look after her, though.
Steve: Oh, I’d imagine you’d take care of her, yeah. Yeahyeahyeah, you’re a good guy. How would you do it, then, you’d just sneak little gifts in, slowly over many years.
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: You don’t think she’s rumble, the fact that you, like, don’t work anymore and drive a Lamborghini?
Karl: Well I’d still do this. I think.
Steve: What, like as a kind of beard, as a cover story. So you’d pretend to come to work, but maybe off partyin’ or something, in the daytime. Clever!
Ricky: Now, he didn’t win.
Steve: Okay!
Ricky: I phoned him up Saturday night, he went One number.
Steve hoo-hoos
Ricky: I don’t know, I think it was 8, wasn’t it?
Karl: Yeah, well there was a lot of 8s on my piece of paper, weren’t they. So I think it was either and 8 or an 18 or a 48.
Ricky: And he went, he was disappointed, he said Waste of time. I went, Well, he said, No, waste of time. He went, I’ve worked it out. I went, Go on. He went, There are 26 letters in the alphabet. I went, Yeah. He went, Think how many words you can make out of them. He went, There are 48 numbers in the lottery. I went, yeah, 60 million to 1. He went, Yeah. Not worth it.
Karl: I looked into that in the week, right. And there’s even less letters in the Welsh alphabet, they’ve only got 20, and yet they’ve got loads of words as well. So even 20, the chances, if there was 20 numbers, and you had to pick 6 winners, it’d still be really,
Steve: Unlikely.
Karl: Yeah. Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah! You should be a mathematician. And anyway, so we got talkin’ about it, we got talk – me, him and Jane, yeah, and I told Jane that he said about, oh, if he won the lottery, he doesn’t like travelin’ much, she went, Why you don’t like travelin? and, uh, he went, Well, I don’t like planes, I’m really scared of planes, and that, Well, if you won’t the lottery, you could have a world cruise! And he went, No. She went, Don’t fancy that? He went, No. He said If you go on a world cruise, what do you do next year?
Steve hoos, haas, heehees
Ricky: Genius!
Steve: Ohh … it’s brilliant logic, Karl! You, you know on the world cruise you don’t actually see the whole world. I mean, you -
Ricky: And if you did, it’s not like say Well I don’t want to see that twice.
Steve hahas
Steve: I mean, it is the world.
Ricky: It is the world. There’s a lot. There’s a lot to see.
Steve: Sorry, did it – did it never dawn on you before, about the numbers, at lottery. Have you been playing this for years and thinking that you had a good chance, and thinking that it was just like you and a handful of other people that were doin it.
Karl: Just as much chance as everyone else, but then when you actually sit down, think about what you’re doin,
Ricky: Sure. He’s done it again this week, he went, I’m doin it one more time, and he showed me the numbers, and he went They look a bit more healthy, don’t they.
Steve hahas
Ricky: Aw,
Steve: What numbers you goin’ for this week?
Karl: It’s all right laughing, but we’ll see you tonight!
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Go on then. You know people – if people do this, and they win, you take these out and people do these, you’ll have to share it with someone. That’s all right though, innit. Give ‘em a chance, tell ‘em - give, give people a clue. What numbers are ya doin, Karl?
Karl: Naw, I’m not gonna tell ‘em all. I’ll, I’ll give you four. I’ve got 5 – 9 – 12 – and 26.
Ricky laughs
Steve: Ok.
Ricky: You’re not gonna give us the other two?
Karl: No! That’s a big difference, innit.
Ricky: What are they –
Karl: Four’s worth about 8 grand, innit. If I give ‘em the other two and it wins,
Ricky: Yeah. What are those 4 numbers again?
Karl: 5 – 9 – 12 – 26.
Ricky: Also coming up is Karl’s GCSE results. He took them in 1988, I think, and we’ve got, we’ve phoned his school, we tracked ‘em down, we’ve got Karl’s GC, GCS, -- what did I say?
Steve: How many did you get, Rick?
Ricky explodes with laughter
Steve laughs
Song: Clinic - Walking with Thee
If You Didn't Have Bad Things, You Wouldn't Enjoy the Good Things
Ricky: Clinic, Walking with Thee. Sorry about that earlier – you know I like to keep a tight, slick ship. And that, lets us all done. Dunnit. When something goes wrong with the shoddy equipment in this place. Why don’t you buy some new stuff? Must be earnin’ a bit of money now, mustn’t you. You got a few listeners now, we got adverts, don’t we. Why don’t they just buy a new CD player? You can go down to Richard Sounds and get one for 50 quid.
Karl: I dunno. I suppose when you’re startin’ off, you save the money you make first, before you spend it.
Ricky: Go down to Record and Tape Exchange, take all the 4 Non Blondes and INXS stuff you’ve got
Steve: Outa the record library,
Ricky: You’ll be able to get an old CD player.
Karl: It’s only 5 minutes, this week, it took.
Ricky: What? What’d I say?
Steve: What? The 4 Non Blondes, obligatory mention?
Ricky laughs
Karl: I think we should make that sort of, call in to win feature.
Steve: Karl, are we using the equipment that you used to use when you had, uh, Pilkie’s Makin Music, the DJ outfit that you –
Ricky: I love that. That was Karl Pilkington and, Someone Makin?
Karl: Colin Makin.
Steve: Colin Makin.
Ricky: Col – Pilkie’s Makin Music.
Steve: Genius. Are we using that same equipment?
Ricky: That’s great. Did you earn any money?
Karl: Um, I paid for the tube lights and that. I sort of, covered me costs.
Ricky: Didja? Did you pay any tax on that?
Karl: No.
Steve and Ricky titter
Karl: That’s what they got Al Capone on, innit.
Ricky laughs
Ricky: It is, yeah! That’s right. Don’t worry about the music policy, we’re sortin’ it out. We got some Verve comin’ up, we got, uh, some Jimmy Webb, we got some Nick Cave, we got some Aimee Mann, we got some Travis, Cornershop, you know what I mean, we’re, we’re sortin’ ourselves out,
Steve: Some big names there.
Ricky: We just start – we haven’t started yet. We’re just startin’ gettin’ goin’, we’ve got some, uh, Karl’s GCSE results,
Karl: Let’s do it now.
Ricky: Should we do it now?
Steve: Well let’s – I think we should have a White Van Man session –
Ricky: Oh, a White Van Man-
Steve: ‘Cause I think people tune in for the White Van Man session, Karl.
Ricky: Yeah, people haven’t tuned in, they don’t know -
Steve: If people aren’t familiar with this, The Sun runs a column every day which is asking some punter on the street their views on the week’s big events, and we thought, why not just hijack that idea, but apply it to Karl Pilkington. Karl –
Karl: I’ve not seen much news again this week.
Steve: You haven’t seen much news. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll have an opinion in it.
Ricky: Just give us it from your heart.
Karl: Saw Gladiator.
Steve: Ok, well on the subject of Gladiator, what do you make of Russell Crowe’s appalling behavior at the BAFTAs.
Karl: This is um, I heard a bit about this. This is when he got some director, or something,
Ricky: The producers threatened ‘im ... ‘cause they cut his bit, didn’t they.
Steve: Yeah, they cut a poem that he’d done, during the acceptance speech.
Karl: See, I – I watched it, on Sunday night, I didn’t realise it wasn’t live, to be honest, but, I quite liked the way it was to the point, didn’t mess about, it was, he went up, he said thanks,
Steve: So you’re saying that he SHOULDN’T have beaten up the director. Is that what you’re basically saying.
Karl: It’s a bit over the top.
Steve: You thought so.
Karl: I mean, if you didn’t have time – if you’re really, I mean what’s, what’s the poem got to do with the film, anyway, it was an awards for a film -
Steve: So do you think it’s ever justified, to beat up a TV director if you’re a major Holllywood star.
Karl: Depends what he’s done, but I mean,
Steve: Right. What would he have to have done, Karl, for it to be fine for him to then beat him up.
Karl: The thing is, right, forget all the beatin’ up. At the end of the day, it was an awards thing for a film. The poem had nothin’ to do with the film,
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: And to go, collect your award for the thing, and if you really really wanted people to hear about this poem, he could’ve photocopied it, and left it out at the entrance, and said, On your way out, this is a really nice poem, pick one up.
Steve hoohoos
Ricky: No, but the thing is, he knew it was televised, so he knew by sayin’ that poem once, he was reaching, 5 million people. That’s a lot – that’s a lot of photocopies. Do you see what I’m sayin. I’m not sayin’ it was justified.
Karl: Yeah, but it wasn’t a poem award. If it was an awards show for poems, you’d say, You can’t cut it out, it’d be like doin’ the Top 40 and then goin’, Number 1’s good, but we haven’t got time for it.
Steve laughs
Karl: But it’s a films thing.
Ricky: Ok.
Karl: And he went up, and he got the award for the film, which film was it for?
Ricky: I don’t know. But when I wanted to give you your results, I said, Let’s give Karl his results. Steve went, No, we should introduce people to Karl again, just remind people what Karl’s like, and he’s so right. I’m so glad we did this first.
Steve heehees
Karl: Am I right, though.
Ricky: Carry on, Steve.
Steve: All right, the next uh, the next topic, um, what about this big debate over whether Kylie Minogue has had a bum job.
Karl: I’d have to see it.
Ricky and Steve laugh
Ricky: Next!
Steve: Ok. What’ you make of Will Young’s single, he’s the Pop Idol winner, it’s gonna net record-breaking sales, apparently, it’s gonna go straight to Number 1, he’s had millions of copies sold,
Karl: I heard that last week, that you had to, um, if you wanted to buy it from Woolworths, you had to go in, and pop a pound down, to guarantee gettin’ a copy.
Ricky: Well ..
Karl: I think that’s stupid.
Steve: But what do you make of it, though. Do you think um,
Karl: What, as a song?
Steve: Both as a song and do you – are you excited about Will Young, and his future?
Karl: He’ll do all right, I don’t think we’ll have to worry about him, but he’ll do all right. It’s not my thing but, seems like a nice bloke.
Steve: Ok. Jolly good.
Ricky: One final one?
Steve: Yeah, one final one then. What do you make of our scientists getting the go-ahead to clone embryos for research. We have discussed cloning before, and obviously there’s uh, the pros and cons of that. Christopher Reeve, former Superman star, he’s behind this. Are you behind him?
Karl: Yeah .. I mean, with everything, you have your good and for you bad, don’t you.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: At the end of the day, uh, if you didn’t have bad things in the world, then you wouldn’t enjoy the good things. I think, you know, it’s like if you didn’t have robbers in the world, policement wouldn’t have a job. So it’s the same thing. It’s like, it’s an illness, yeah, someone – what-what-what are they messin’ with?
Steve: It’s, probably a bit too detailed to go into there, really, but uh,
Karl: Do you know ‘ I mean?
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: There’s good and bad. You can’t have it all.
Steve: Ying and yang, is what you’re saying.
Karl: Yep.
Steve: Ok, Karl, I can’t argue with that, mate.
Ricky: Um, I want to play a track now that uh, I haven’t heard for awhile. It’s the Verve, innit. Sonnet. Lovely song.
Steve: Coming soon – those big exam results.
Song:The Verve - Sonnet
Song:Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Spread Your Love
What Do You Mean, Register?
Ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Spread Your Love, it’s time to give Karl – you’re actually nervous, aren’t you – I’m a little bit nervous, uh, just to recap, Karl, is 30 this year, he never went to get his results, of his GCSEs. So, myself and Steve, took it upon ourself to phone his school, track them down, and we actually got your results. What did you think you took?
Karl: Ahh, did English.
Ricky: Right.
Karl: Uh, Maths.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Art.
Ricky: Right.
Karl: Uh, and I think I did Physics.
Ricky: Ok. Well, you didn’t do any of them.
Karl: Eh?
Ricky: You didn’t do any of them. You didn’t register. You registered for one exam and took one exam, and got results for one exam. So I don’t know what you thought you were turning up to, or you weren’t registered, or you didn’t –
Steve: You’re familiar with the notion of registering, for an exam. You have to kind of officially register in order to be eligible.
Karl: What do you mean, register? I turned up, for a couple,
Steve: Yeah, you can’t just show up. You have to register for them.
Ricky: You have to – to pay. ‘Cause it costs the school money, so they would have to have paid for you, if they thought you were gonna pass. You can’t just turn up on the day and ask to pay for at the front.
Karl: I never got a letter tellin’ me that.
Steve: Well that’s ‘cause you were never at school.
Ricky: But you did somehow register or registered for one exam. You registered, for History.
Steve: It’s a topic that you’ve, always been interested in.
Karl: I was sayin’ to Ricky before, uh, World War II – I loved it,
Steve: Not – I mean, not the actual event – the study of it, you mean.
Karl: No, just all the stuff, like you know, about the Anderson shelters, and stuff like that, bombs and that, and um, and then when I took it, it had nothing to do with that. It was more about the Tudors.
Steve: So it didn’t – the 2nd World War didn’t come up. You mean there were no questions about the Anderson shelters?
Karl: Nothing.
Steve: That’s devastating.
Karl: So,
Steve: So what are you expecting the result to be?
Karl: Is that, seriously, is that it?
Ricky: Yep. It’s the only one you took and registered for.
Steve: As far as the school is concerned,
Ricky: It’s the only one that counts, it’s the only result, it’s the only one that counts.
Karl: I don’t – did you register, for yours?
Ricky laughs
Steve: Yes.
Ricky: I have – yeah, I got certificates and everything.
Karl: So what, do you do that before the exam, you have to go somewhere, and sign something, or,
Ricky: Yeah, you don’t check your results and then decide if you want to register. It not like Millionaire, when you look at the question and go, I think I’ll take the money.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky laughs
Steve: But anyway, you must’ve registered for one, or maybe your teacher put it in,
Karl: Well I didn’t do it!
Ricky: They must be confident. They must’ve been confident, they must’ve thought your best bet was History.
Karl: Right, so …what did I get.
Ricky: Um, you got an E. Which is – which, I think, I mean, technically, is a pass.
Karl: E?
Ricky: It’s a bad pass. But there’s F, and then there’s U –
Steve: You’re not gonna be doin’ a PhD,
Ricky: You can get an F, right, which is Fail, and then a U, which is Ungraded. Now I don’t know why the U exists, right, ‘cause F means you failed. U is like them going You not only failed, but you wasted my time.
Ricky and Steve laugh
Ricky: We’re annoyed, that you took this exam.
Karl: So they thought they’d register me to get an E.
Ricky laughs
Steve: Well they didn’t – I think they were hoping – it was rather like you with the lottery. They were hoping for something better than, nothing.
Ricky: You see, I assumed that the man who registered for that thought, He can scrape an E if Anderson shelters come up.
Steve laughs
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: God…
Ricky: Well, that’s it. You’ve got, you’ve got. Now, what I’d like to do, Karl, is, I’ve started your reeducation, you’ve read a book on Rasputin, I’ll be askin’ you a few questions about that later, I’ve got another book for you to read next week. Next week, I’ve got a little –
Karl: I’m not in the mood.
Ricky: What?
Karl: Not in the mood.
Ricky: Oh, come on! Look – what’s that? What does that say?
Karl: It’s that fella, it’s that picture of the bloke they used to use for Citizen Smith.
Ricky: Yeah, Che Guevara.
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah. Uh, he was quite happy, I think, when he found out that Robert Lindsay was involved. He went, Yeah, ‘course you can. No worries. No worries, yeah.
Steve: What are your feelings, Karl, what do you think.
Ricky: Are you depressed?
Karl: I’m just a bit annoyed, ‘cause I’m sure I turned up for more, so it just wasted me time.
Ricky: Listen – they don’t matter –
Karl: I’m sure I did more,
Ricky: You’re doing very well, you know you can educate yourself, GCSEs are merely a step in order to help you, not just your education, but, you know, they’re more vocational than anything else. You’re doing very well, and you’re reading books. Don’t worry about it.
Steve: It’s not a concern.
Ricky: But if you want, if you want, I’ll pay for you to take History again.
Steve: Karl, we’d love to see you get, a C or above, and we’re willing to –
Ricky: I’ll pay for you, all right, and I’ll get you some books, right? Now listen – listen – um, we could, look, look, let’s get – I reckon, when are they exams, June?
Steve: Something like that, yeah.
Ricky: We’ll register – we’ll try and register you next week, and I reckon you can get an A or B.
Steve: In History.
Karl: I’m busy, I’m busy.
Ricky: No, don’t worry about it, it’s just easy. I’ll get you Brodie’s Notes. If Heat – Heat Magazine, they, they, they, they love you, Karl. They can prob’ly sort summat out. They can prob’ly pay for a tutor. They got a lot of money, they sell a lot of magazines.
Steve: I mean, it is always, almost always, and you found that out, I discovered this, it’s always the Tudors and Stuarts. There’s no fear for them not coming up. Now what do you already know about them? You must know stuff about Henry the 8th, and Elizabeth.
Karl: No, ‘cause, it’s just, it’s too long ago to even get interested in. Do y’know’I mean? You can’t get into it –
Ricky: Is that why you didn’t –
Karl: The Anderson thing, it was like, God, you know, me mam and dad were in Anderson shelter, this is interesting. Me granddad would’ve like, had something to do with this. But the Tudors – it’s like, I don’t even know if I had a family back then.
Ricky explodes with laughter
Ricky: Play a record! Can we come back to this? Sorry – Steve – sorry -
Steve: No, hang on – hang on – no, I just, ‘cause I need to introduce my, the new feature, for –
Ricky: Yeah. ‘I don’t know if I had a family back then’. You’re a genius, Karl.
Steve: Karl, let me just ask you now – right, if you can finish this sentence, we’ve got a chance. “Divorced, Beheaded, Died. Divorced Beheaded – “
Karl: Died. What is it?
Steve: We just need to do a little bit o’ work. But otherwise I think you’re gonna be fine. It’s how you remember what happened to Henry the 8th’s wives.
Ricky: They’re little –
Steve: “Divorced, Beheaded, Died. Divorced, Beheaded – “
Karl: Uh,
Ricky: It’s like “SPAM” – support, what’s it, support, protection, anchorage, movement. That’s how it –
Steve: You’re gonna con- that’s nothing to do with the Tudors and Stuarts.
Ricky: No, it has to do with the skeleton.
Steve: Yeah, no, see, we’re not doin’ Biology.
Ricky: Mnemonics and acronymns, and,
Steve: What happened to Henry the 8th’s last wife. Did she die, or did she not die? “Divorced, Beheaded Died. Divorced, Beheaded –“
Karl: Do you know that, the only king that has got a mustache, is - no. The only king that hasn’t got a mustache is the King of Hearts, on the playing cards.
Ricky: What’s the record you want to play?
Steve: Um, I want to resurrect the career of a different artist each week, this is
Karl: It’s a red card.
Steve: This is Aimee Mann, and, she always seems to get overlooked,
Ricky: Well that’s got one eye.
Steve: I think it’s called Red Vines. Play it, Karl.
Song:Aimee Mann - Red Vines
Divorced, Beheaded, Died
transcription here
Song:Dandy Warhols - Get Off
Educating Karl
transcription here
Song:Jimmy Webb - Galveston
Sort of an Old Version of Rocky
transcription here
Song:Travis - Sing
Rasputin, Rapunzel, and the Three Billy Goats Gruff
transcription here
Song:Sugababes - Are Freaks Electric
It Was a Skittle
transcription here
Song:Spearhead - People in Tha Middle
She Wanted Me
transcription here
Song - ?
end