Tape 1 Side A/Transcript
This is a transcript of Tape 1 Side A, from Xfm Series 0.
What's Coming Up
Ricky: Got a great show. Uh, went shopping yesterday.
Steve: Oh right, yeah.
Ricky: Uh... got Wesley Willis.
Steve: Ohh, it's beautiful-
Ricky: I found it-
Steve: I can't believe it.
Ricky: Yeah, Wesley Willis, Rock 'n' Roll Will Never Die, I'll be playing some-
Steve: You'll be playing some Wesley.
Ricky: I dunno whether to play Hootie and the Blowfish, Kurt Cobain, Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd... they're all the same song,
Steve: (laughs) it's interesting because Gervais, you know in the time that we've been on we've had a lot of new listeners joining us, and they haven't perhaps heard Wesley Willis.
Ricky: No.
Steve: What a treat they've got in store.
Ricky: Well I'll explain that a little bit later. I've also um-
Steve: Wesley Willis is here. Ohh.
Ricky: Once again I was struggling, you know as I er, don't plan the show obviously.
Steve: Of course.
Ricky: Um, but my book exchange in the courtyard of my house,
Steve: Oh, of course.
Ricky: It's come through again.
Steve: Briliiant.
Ricky: I've got a little book here.
Steve: Now what did you- what was the last book you got from the book exchange?
Ricky: Um... err...
Steve: How To-
Ricky: How To Beat PMT By Diet.
Steve: How To Beat PMT By Diet.
Ricky: Which I could give away, I've got that at home, that'd be a great prize one day.
Steve: A wonderful prize, a lot of women would look forward to that.
Ricky: It's a little paperback here - Doris Stokes, Voices In My Ear.
Steve: (laughs) I'm intrigued.
Ricky: "The autobiography of a medium" - a medium what, I don't- I don't know. But I've gotta read you the bit off the back, you'll love this, okay, "She's helped to solve murder cases. She filled the Sydney Opera House three nights in a row." it doesn't say with what. "Once, she even had to convince a man he was dead."
Both laugh
Ricky: "Now she's written her own astonishing life story. Her name is Doris Stokes." I'll be reading little excerpts from that.
Steve: Wait, I just I mean-
Ricky: What?
Steve: I dunno if you've read it but-
Ricky: I haven't.
Steve: Why did she have to convince a man he was dead-
Ricky: I don't know, it's in there.
Steve: But how did she do it?
Ricky: I don't know. Well that's just one of the uh, little questions we'll be asking,
Steve: Ohh-
Ricky: On XFM.
Steve: If you c-
Ricky: 104.9
Steve: Before you do that-
Wesley Willis
Ricky: XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais Show, I'm Ricky Gervais and I've got Wesley Willis's well, one of his LPs, I think he's actually recorded about 4000 songs.
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: Now the thing is, this is quite true, he's a chronic schizophrenic and he's often troubled by demons that dicatate what he can do and what can't be done, uh, the demons, sometimes when Wesley Willis is travelling on airplanes tell him that his music is no good, and on occasion have forced him to destroy musical instruments. Now-
Steve: Can I just stop you there, I don't think it's demons telling him his music's no good.
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: I think that's members of the public, anyone who's bought his albums.
Ricky: Ohh... and he's released 14 CDs, um, by himself, he just makes them up and sells them, it's fantastic. This is um, uhhh... the first track on Rock 'n' Roll Will Never Die, it's called um, Hootie and the Blowfish.
Steve: Excellent, it's classic.
Ricky: It is.
Hootie and the Blowfish by Wesley Willis is played
Steve: "Hootie, Hootie, Hootie and the Blowfish"!
Ricky: Um, after High Llamas I'll play Kurt Cobain.
Steve: Excellent.
Song: High Llamas - Checking In, Checking Out
KUUUUUUURT COOOOOOBAIN
Kurt Cobain by Wesley Willis is played
Steve: "...Kurt Cobain!"
Ricky: That's uh, Kurt Cobain.
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: That's actually by um, Wesley Willis.
Steve: Really, is that Wesley Willis?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Fantastic, well I'm gonna try and-
Ricky: I think he's written a song about Nirvana aswell.
Steve: Let me have a look on here, I've got the album here, uhh no I think it's- on this partcular album- oh no, you're right, no Kurt Cobain is track 2, track 3 is Nirvana.
Ricky: Oh hold on then, let's-
Steve: Called, quite simply, "Nirvana", let's perhaps have a listen to that.
Ricky: Hold on, wait a minute-
Steve: Wonder if that's sort of different, wonder what kind of um, interpretation he gives to that particular band.
Ricky: Hold on-
Steve: And I wonder how he sort of utilizes-
Ricky: I dunno how to do this, I don't know how to work this machine.
Steve: You don't know how to do it? Well perhaps we should leave it Gervais, come back to it. Don't feel pressurised, I know we're keen to hear Wesley.
Ricky: I know-
Steve: But don't feel pressure.
Ricky: It won't let me do it.
Steve: There's no pressure on you Gervais, I know you're getting a bit panicky now I can see the sweat on your forehead...
Ricky: Why doesn't it- why doesn't it do what I think?
Steve: Well-
Ricky: Why do I have to actually press buttons and it doesn't know what I want?
Steve: No- well that's because you're not Doris Stokes, Gervais.
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: You cannot use telekinesis to run this radio show.
Ricky: Hold on, this is- this should be-
Steve: So is this- ahh, it's Nirvana.
Nirvana by Wesley Willis is played
Ricky: Very similar to-
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: Well it would be, wouldn't it?
Steve: ..."Nirvana Nirvana"?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: He gets about, mind. He sees a lot of gigs and he seems to know how many people were there, fantastic.
Ricky: Well um, it's 20 past 4, it's the Ricky Gervais Show and um, next is (singing like Wesley Willis) TRAAAAAVIIIIIS, TRAAAAVIIIIIS, TRAAAAVIIIS!
Steve: Gervais, you're never gonna be Wesley Willis.
Ricky: (laughs)
Song: Travis - More Than Us
Voices in my Ear
Ricky: Steve, my show researcher, you're meant to have found out why Doris Stokes had to convince a man he was dead.
Steve: Gervais, I've been looking through Voices In My Ear - The Autobiography of Doris Stokes, the Famous Medium and I must say it's a fascinating read.
Ricky: It's an autobiography, and it's by someone.
Steve: Yeah I know.
Ricky: And not by Doris Stokes, what happened there?
Steve: Doris was too busy contacting the other side, Gervais.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Um, but to basically let me just answer that, yeah, on the back it does say that once Doris had to convince a man he was dead, it's not as interesting as it sounds.
Ricky: Aw.
Steve: He was dead,
Ricky: Well obviously.
Steve: And she saw him you know, and he wasn't- she- ...big group of people, and he was like a ghostly figure and he said, "I'm not dead." and she went, "You are dead, get out. You've embarrassed yours-"
Ricky: You've had a similar argument with someone haven't ya, at a dinner party.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah. You proved her wrong though, didn't you?
Steve: Mmhm.
Ricky: So she just- that happens a lot though, some people don't believe they're de- you know what it's like.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: You go to the afterlife, noone tells ya!
Steve: I know.
Ricky: You're walking round, "You're dead, mate!" "Don't be stupid." ...you know.
Steve: Exactly.
Ricky: She had to actually push the coffin lid down apparently. Viagra, he died of.
Steve: I'm reading here about one of her first paranormal experiences, she moved into a house with her husband, there were ghostly apparitions there in the house right, and it was haunted, she didn't mind, there was an old ghost called Polly,
Ricky: Yeah, Polly the ghost, yeah.
Steve: Anyway so um, Mrs. Johnson from nearby comes in, and she's making a cake basically, and she says um, "We chatted for a moment, 'Any more trouble lately, with the ghost?' said Mrs. Johnson. 'No, old Polly's been quiet for quite a while now.' but the words were hardly out of my mouth when the bowl of eggs I was baking with-"
Ricky: (gasps) Not the bowl of eggs!
Steve: "...was torn from my hands and hurled across the room."
Ricky: Ohh...
Steve: "Instinctively I dived after it, did a flying tackle,"
Ricky: (laughs) On the bowl of eggs?
Steve: "And caught it before it hit the ground." And I must say that Doris at this point has already lost pair of tights.
Ricky: Oh no!
Steve: Polly's already had a pair of tights!
Ricky: Oh no.
Steve: Now the eggs are in danger.
Ricky: Oh God!
Steve: "'You can just stop that, Polly!' I yelled furiously and slammed the bowl of eggs on the table. She'd already cost me a pair of stockings, she wasn't spilling my eggs as well."
Ricky: Oh, that's gotta be a euphemism, that's gotta be a dirty book.
Steve: Doris Stokes there, fighting the paranormal.
Ricky: You can't libel the dead so say what you want.
Steve: Can we?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: You can't libel the dead?
Ricky: No.
Steve: So we can slag off Doris Stokes?
Ricky: You could say she drank buckets of um... just after the break, we've got Oasis.
Steve: (laughs)
Song: Oasis -
You Can't Libel the Dead
Steve: You mean to tell me you can't libel the dead?
Ricky: You can't libel the dead, no.
Steve: I don't believe that for one moment.
Ricky: You can't, it's true.
Steve: That's ridiculous!
Ricky: It doesn't mean you can say- there's certain stuff you can't say anyway whether they're true or not, it's taste and decency and- I couldn't- you couldn't say, "Doris Stokes drank copious amounts of horse spunk." cos you couldn't actually say that on the radio cos that'd be offensive anyway.
Steve: But could I say, I mean, Catherine Cookson died recently.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Can I say that Catherine Cookson used to bend over the sink, and her husband would- I mean can I..?
Ricky: Ye- well, again, taste and decency. You know, you couldn't be sued for it, like, let's see, um... you could say "Doris Stokes was a smackhead", for example.
Steve: Right.
Ricky: You know.
Steve: It's not very interesting though.
Ricky: No cos it's true.
Steve: Yeah, excatly.
Ricky: She used to jack up all over the place.
Steve: And she used to- I mean the trips she used to take.
Ricky: Oh God.
Steve: All that nonsense about seeing and speaking to people on the other side, that's rubbish!
Ricky: Yeah, she was off her tits!
Steve: LSD, my love.
Ricky: Yeah.
I Was Dropped on My Head as a Kid?
A phone conversation with Ricky's mum is played
Ricky's mum: Hello?
Ricky: Hello.
Ricky's mum: Hello...
Ricky: Did you listen to it?
Ricky's mum: I listened to it,
Ricky: Yeah?
Ricky's mum: And you told me you don't swear.
Ricky: What did I say?
Ricky's mum: You said "bastard".
Ricky: No that's alright, that's not swearing.
Ricky's mum: Ain't it?
Ricky: No, it's illigitimate child.
Ricky's mum: Oh, that's what you called that Steve.
Ricky: What did I say?
Ricky's mum: "You bastard" or sommet.
Ricky: Why did I say that, I can't remember.
Ricky's mum: ...Nor can I now.
Ricky: Oh I know, cos he- his uncle bought him something and he told him he didn't like it.
Ricky's mum: Oh yeah, and he didn't appreciate it.
Ricky: No. Ain't that nasty though? Old bloke he's got wooden teeth apparently.
Ricky's mum: (laughs) He's got what?
Ricky: He's got wooden teeth. Or that's his grandad, his grandad's got wooden teeth or something and he's got 3 left.
Ricky's mum: (laughs)
Ricky: And he said they have to cook meat for 8 hours so he can suck it.
Ricky's mum: (laughs) You're blinkin' terrible.
Ricky: I better start thinking of some um, things that have happened to Bob, hadn't I? So I can get him involved.
Ricky's mum: Well he was a 'orrible little git.
Ricky: Who, Bob?
Ricky's mum: Bob was.
Ricky: Why, what did he do?
Ricky's mum: I remember he had you up the hallway with Peter Miller, teasing you, and dropped you on your head!
Ricky: ...I was dropped on my head when I was a kid?
Ricky's mum: (laughs)
Ricky: How old was I?
Ricky's mum: You must have only been 2 or 3. Dropped you up the hallway.
Ricky: And what did you do?
Ricky's mum: Belted him.
Both laugh
Ricky: What did he say then?
Ricky's mum: Dunno
Ricky: What did I... did I-
Ricky's mum: He was only playing.
Ricky: I landed on my head, right, and what did I do, was I unconscious or did I cry or-
Ricky's mum: No, you though it was funny.
Ricky: (laughs) Good job I landed on my head innit?
Steve: ...Are you gonna continue to exploit your mother on the radio for cheap laughs?
Ricky: Yes.
Steve: You are?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: That phonecall, a lot of questions were raised,
Ricky: What?
Steve: The first one obviously that springs to mind, you were dropped on your head as a child.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: It answers a lot of questions.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Gervais, you know cos I did think-
Ricky: I don't even know who Peter Miller is.
Steve: I-
Ricky: Where is Peter Miller now, who is he?
Steve: Let me be honest with you, I wanna- can I just be honest and confess something to you?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: I have been making enquiries cos I thought you had Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: I did. I thought you had CJD. I'm absolutely earnest and serious about this, right, cos my dad once, we thought he might be ill, and we checked over and it was terrible, I thought it was a terrible moment, I felt sick,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And that's exactly what I felt like with you.
Ricky: Really?
Steve: Um... no. But I did think you might have CJD, and I've been making enquiries,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: The symptoms seem to be there Gervais, you can barely string a sentence together,
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: You're slovenly, look at you, I mean- d'you know what I mean, you let yourself go, you forget to wash,
Ricky: I- I stagger home,
Steve: You stagger home every night, you don't finish sentences,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: You- d'you know what I mean- pointing in that directon.
Ricky: So do you think I've got C Day Jee... B... Sc... right? From the agricultural college. Three BScs. 0171580
Steve: 2000! Remember how it works?
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: 01715802000 Please can somebody who knows about these things analyse Ricky Gervais's symptoms and find out- there's gotta be something wrong with him, we think maybe now that he was dropped on his head as a child, that's perhaps a clue. If you're a medical person, if you've done some research into this, please give us a call, find out what's wrong with Gervais before it's too late. Perhaps it is too late, Gervais, you know, you're not a young man anymore, you're 37+, umm... you're a goner! Umm... and so yeah, give us a call, 0171580... Oh my God it's catching.
Ricky: (laughs)
Like Muttley
Ricky's mum: Remember the ten you built out the back?
Ricky: Yeah.
Ricky's mum: (laughs)
Ricky: And I remember I didn't know- didn't get it till I was 18, Marsha had put the caption in the photo album, "Ricky's camp."
Ricky's mum: Oh yeah!
Ricky: You know I'm taping this, don't ya?
Ricky's mum: Oh, not again!
Ricky: Yeah!
Ricky's mum: ...Good job I ain't swearing then ain't it?
Ricky: You did, you said at the beginning, see I'm gonna take that out of context, it's just gonna be you going "bastard", just like I've got you saying "arse".
Ricky's mum: (laughs)
Ricky: Listen to that Muttley!
Ricky's mum: (laughs)
Ricky: Listen to that!
Ricky's mum: Well I'm asthmatic ain't I?
Ricky: (mimicking her) "I'm asthmatic ain't I?" (breathes deep)
Ricky's mum: (laughs)
Ricky: Ohh, listen- right I'm gonna shut up, just laugh for a minute, just laugh.
Ricky's mum: (laughing) I can't.
Ricky: ...What did you call me?
Ricky's mum: I said I can't!
Ricky: You can't say that on the radio!
Ricky's mum: What?
Ricky: That word you said.
Ricky's mum: "I can't"?
Ricky: S-stop it! You can't swear on the radio and that's wha-
Ricky's mum: I'm not saying what you think I'm saying!
Ricky: What are you saying?
Ricky's mum: "I can't stop it!"
Both laugh
Ricky's mum: You're disgusting, you are.
Ricky: (laughs like Muttley) "Rick Rastardly!"
Ricky's mum: (laughs)
Ricky: Remember that time you were coughing and you *hack* coughed up like that, and you killed next door's cat?
Ricky's mum: Oh you liar!
Ricky: It was a little bit of hard lung that shot out, they reckon-
Ricky's mum: I've never gone that far.
Ricky: (laughs)
Ricky's mum: You're disgusting.
Ricky: Right I'd better go then.
Ricky's mum: Right.
Ricky: Alright then I'll see you later.
Ricky's mum: Cheerio.
Ricky: Bye.
Compilation of Ricky's mum laughing
Song: The Smiths -
It's Only 2 Feet Deep!
Ricky: Classic Smiths.
Steve: It's terrifying.
Ricky: What?
Steve: It really is, your relations.
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: I mean alright, so mine- you know, my relations alright, their faces aren't symmetrical,
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: But at least they don't have wheezy weird laughs like that.
Ricky: Yeah I know and drop people on their heads.
Steve: Drop people on their head.
Ricky: Right I've gotta tell you, I wish I was taping her today, she called me today, she went, "Ain't heard of you for a while." I said "I called you last week." "No you didn't" I said "Well, just bef- thursday" "Yep. Anyway, I went swimming Wednesday."
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: I went, "Did you, where?" She went, "In the fish pond."
Both laugh
Ricky: Totally true, I went, "What?" she went "I fell in, it was up to me neck!" And I could hear me nephew shouting, "It's only 2 foot deep!"
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: Right, it's a little fish pond , like, it's like about- it's not even 2 foot deep it's about 8 inches deep and she went- I'm pissing myself, she was going, "Well I was cutting back the lavender, right, and three frogs jumped at me!"
Steve: "Three frogs jumped at me"?
Ricky: (laughs) Yeah. I dunno if she meant- anyway right, so-
Steve: Three frenchmen hiding in your garden.
Ricky: (laughing) I know yeah, that's what I was gonna say! I thought "No, that's a racial slur."
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: Um, but anyway-
Steve: No because they- no, because french people do-
Ricky: Like to hide in lavender and frighten 73 year old women-
Steve: Of course, everybody knows that.
Ricky: It's a well known fact.
Steve: They lurk around, ready to attack.
Ricky: In stripy white and blue t-shirts and berets with onions, yeah. Anyway, these three frogs-
Steve: I mean I tell you, who was it, that dead president of France, what's his name, the one with the big nose?
Ricky: You know what he used to do,
Steve: Well exactly.
Ricky: He used to drink bucketfuls of- anyway right-
Steve: You can do it, cos he's- he's dead.
Ricky: Yeah. He gone.
Steve: Anyway.
Ricky: Um, so she went, "And I went in, and I fell in, and I was sitting on the bottom, it was coming up to my neck." And she went "I tried to get out, but it was all algae on the side and I kept slipping back in!", right? So my dad says, "Lee, help your nan!" (laughs) "And I got out-" and I said, "put Lee on." And I was speaking to my nephew, he said, "She went into the pond, right", and said "She floundered around, right, and she got out and she wal- she ran to the kitchen, she dropped all her clothes and ran upstairs naked cos she thought she might have leeches on her!"
Both laugh
Steve: "Leeches"?
Ricky: Yeah!
Steve: She's not Humphrey Bogart in The African Queen!
Ricky: She said "It wouldn't have mattered if it was house full of company, I'd have still stripped off and run upstairs!", She said "I didn't drop the scissors" and she said "I had to throw my slippers away"!
Both laugh
Steve: So, we are laughing at the fact that your elderly mother,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Fell, slipped in a pond,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Could easily have injured herself quite seriously, who knows? Now she could have... sort of, leeches?
Ricky: Yeah, she's probably got leeches, yeah.
Steve: Any kinds of um, you know-
Ricky: The frenchmen scarpered, there was no sight of them.
Steve: They're gone, well they're like that, aren't they, the french?
Ricky: All they found was- they just left a beret.
Steve: I tell you, the french, I mean any sign of trouble Gervais, they're outta there. D'you know what I mean, the'yre legging it.
Ricky: Oh God, I just like the idea of just running into the kitchen and stripping off, just a ball of slime, and her upstairs, "I couldn't wait to get in the bath." She said.
Steve: Yeah, and two ladies from next door from the women's guild, just sipping tea, "Oh there she goes, there goes Mrs. gervias, naked as the day she was born, covered in algae."
Ricky: (laughs) Oh God.
Steve: That's a Gervais for you.
Song: Bob Dylan - If You See Her, Say Hello
This One Is About The Spin Doctors
Ricky: If You See Her, Say Hello off Blood on the Tracks. And that was for Doris Stokes.
Steve: Ah, the late, great medium, Doris Stokes, we play that for her, who apparently, Doris apparently was a prostitute.
Ricky: She was a whore.
Steve: She was a whore.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Um-
Ricky: You can't libel the dead.
Steve: You can't libel the dead, that's not libellous.
Ricky: No.
Steve: Um, yeah, she apparently went at it hammer and tongs.
Ricky: All the time.
Steve: Anybody that had a checkbook.
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: Oh yes. Er Gervais, uhm... well mayb-
Ricky: Well I've had a good 8 months n radio haven't I?
Steve: We've had good fun, we've had a bit of fun. I was gonna tell you about something but what I'll do is, I'll tell you in a minute.
Spin Doctors by Wesley Willis is played
Ricky: It's a short one, that.
Steve: Is this the one?
Ricky: Yeah.
Ricky: How does he not run out of ideas?
Steve: It's incredible. D'you know what I mean, they just flow from him.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: It's incredible. Um, that of course comes from the classic Wesley Willis album Rock 'n' Roll Will Never Die, just reading the sleeve notes Gervais, "Rock 'n' Rolls Will Never Die represents the best of Wesley's previously available material about rock musicians.", um, it says his quote, his personal quote is, "This CD whoops the llama's ass with a belt." Not sure I quite know what that means but uh anyway apparently-
Ricky: Doris Stokes knows.
Steve: (laughs) You can't libel the dead.
Ricky: No. Dirty...
Steve: "Wesley carries copies of his CDs with him when he travels just in case he meets someone with $10 in their pocket."
Ricky: Aw, excellent.
Steve: That's a beautiful track, track 8 on that classic album and of course, Spin Doctors, let's hear a bit more.
Spin Doctors by Wesley Willis is turned up
Ricky: ...Instrumental break.
Steve: Beautiful. You see, he's a talented musician.
Ricky: Very similar to Nirvana and Kurt Cobain and Hootie and the Blowfish.
Steve: (laughs) Yes. Yeah.
Ricky: Different sentiment altogether.
Steve: Oh, completely different.
Ricky: This one is uh, about the Spin Doctors.
Steve: Hehey!
Ricky: Yeah. Well that's enough of that, that one's for Laura anyway who wrote me a lovely letter, remember yesterday, um last week sorry, I was going on about how we could do the best of Ricky Gervais.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: So I could just like get bits off the log and tape and package it and we wouldn't have to come in, we could like, sunbathe or something, and she said, "Maybe you could do the best of Ricky Gervais, all the things that didn't happen.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: All the things we said we were gonna do and then didn't. And there are quite a few, there are quite a few. But she goes on aswell, cos we were talking about reincarnation, and she believes in the Hindu view of Karma, so if through your life you do good things, you build up your good Karma, bad things, bad Karma, then when you die, they mount it all up, tot it all up, and you're reincarnated, if you do nice things, you have a wonderful existence. Lovely- probably good looks, aw everything. Everyone loves you, and if you're really bad, then you come back as some something hideous like a maggot or a fish and you have a horrible life. And um, the idea lead to wonder what you did that was so bad in your last life.
Steve: ... I'm not rising to it.
Ricky: No?
Steve: You're not baiting me. You're not baiting me.
Mrs. Johnson, Would You Mind Taking Your Clothes Off?
Steve: Gervais, can I just say, I... you know we've had some fun, we've had some laughs over the uh, the last couple of months.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: But I'm a little bit sick and annoyed about all this slagging me off. Claiming that I'm some ugly, grotesque freak of nature or whatever bec- we get loads of faxes coming in saying, "Steve, you're a freak, you're an inhumanoid."
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And all this sort of rubbish, and you know, it's not true and you've perpetuated this myth for a long time and it's getting a bit irritating, it's winding me up and as I've said to you before, um, I got into radio- I got into this broadcasting thing where the chances of becoming a celebrity are fairly strong, right, I got into this in an effort to meet women.
Ricky: Get a lady.
Steve: To get a lady. D'you know what I mean and it's just not helping me out, all this.
Ricky: No. Well I told you, you shouldn't pick careers based on whether you can get a woman.
Steve: Well...
Ricky: Like the gynaecology thing. That's why that fell flat.
Steve: Yeah but I- no that was going alright, I mean I overstepped a few times by mentioning- remember I mentioned to that woman we should just go back and I could continue the examination at her house.
Ricky: Exactly. And the other thing is you sort of going, "Wehey!" That doesn't put women at their ease.
Steve: Right, yeah.
Ricky: D'you know what I mean?
Steve: "Mrs. Johnson, do you mind just taking your clothes off? ...Hehey, blinkin' hell! Look at that, incredible."
Ricky: "Can I film this for the lads?"
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: You know what I mean?
Steve: Yeah I ran into problems.
Ricky: This is Happy Mondays, Kinky Afro.
Steve: Would you just stop now with the-
Ricky: 'Course I will, you're a good looking fella.
Steve: Well...
Ricky: (coughs)
Song: Happy Mondays - Kinky Afro
You're Boring Me
Steve: Ah, the classics, Gervias. I just to to thinking, I wonder if we- I mean I think I mentioned this before, it's be great to contact Wesley and get him to do a song about the Ricky Gervais show-
Ricky: (singing like Wesley Willis) RIIIICKYYY GERVAAAAIIS, RIIIICKYYY GERVAIIIS!"
Steve: Well, you've pretty much done it for us.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Beautiful. Gervais, um, coming along today-
Ricky: "He had a radio show! There was about a hundred people listening!" ...Yeah.
Steve: (laughs) Well, yeah, mm.... I think it's being a bit generous.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Yeah. Gervais, I was on the tube coming in and I got to thinking about you know, my lack of success with the ladies,
Ricky: (tuts)
Steve: And I can trace it back to something, right, trace it back to a moment, when I was in the last year of my junior school, I don't know how old- how old would-
Ricky: 11?
Steve: 11, something like that? We went to uh-
Ricky: You were only about 6'2" then, weren't you?
Steve: ...Yeah, and we uh, we went to this place in Cornwall, sort of an adventure camp, and stayed there for like 3 days-
Ricky: That was like the Riviera to you, wasn't it?
Steve: Exciting stuff, and it was all sorts of like, climbing frames and adventure courses and absailing and all the rest of it, and in the evening, what they'd do is, you'd go in and they'd have a little disco every evening, a little disco right, and I remember they'd played that tune- that theme music from uh, (hums Beverley Hills Cop theme music)
Ricky: Jan Hammer.
Steve: Whatever that was called, no that was Axel F.
Ricky: Beverley Hills- Oh Axel F, Beverley Hills Cop, yeah.
Steve: Beverley Hills Cop, and d'you remember that one, it was well, We're Only Bugging "Bu-bug bug bug bug bug"
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: It was that as well, that was a big tune. And also Living Doll by Cliff.
Ricky: Yeah, and The Young Ones.
Steve: And we'd all queue up, before we went on the dancefloor, we'd all queue up and they'd give us little cups of soup, dunno why, little oxtail soup I remember, it was quite nice.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And then what happened was, I dunno how- we must have been a bit older cos the guys-
Ricky: Doris Stokes used to spike kids' soup with, um, heroin.
Steve: That's true enough, that is absolutely true, you can't libel the dead.
Ricky: No.
Steve: And um, we must have been slightly older cos all the kids, all the guys started to ask the girls to dance with them, you know, cheek-to-cheek style. It was the first time that this had happened and suddenly I saw girls and guys dancing together, couldn't believe it, right,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: But I,
Ricky: Go on.
Steve: Instead of perhaps asking a girl to dance like any normal human being, every other guy was asking a girl to dance, I went round with a notepad,
Ricky: (giggles)
Steve: I went round with a notepad pretending I was a brain surgeon.
Ricky: ...How?
Steve: I went round and said, "I'm a brain surgeon, I want to analyse if you're mad, so I can... surgery, do surgery on your brain." and I would ask them a series of questions,
Ricky: How old were these girls?
Steve: This- not just the girls, this was blokes aswell, while they were dancing. While they were dancing, you know, smooching or whatever, I'd go up to them,
Ricky: What did you think this will acheive?
Steve: And say, "Can I ask you a series of questions, I'm a brain surgeon." And I thought it was funny, I thought it was charming.
Ricky: ...Oh, you were being wacky!
Steve: I thought it was charming and funny and wacky.
Ricky: Oh and they were meant to go, "Oh who's that funny 11 year old freak in the clogs and overalls, I wouldn't mind dancing with him."
Steve: That's what I was thinking.
Ricky: Yeah. Oh that's even sadder.
Steve: I thought that that kind of wit and zany charm would uh, would somehow-
Ricky: I'll stop you there, Steve, cos you're boring me. After the break, some Beatles.
Steve: ...
Ricky: I shouldn't be so blunt, should I?
Steve: No.
Ricky: It doesn't help, does it?
Steve: Doesn't... doesn't help.
Song: Beatles -
Of Course She’s Not Dead!
Steve: Doris Stokes, right,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: She's dressed like a dominatrix,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And she's dripping hot wax,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Onto the naked torso of Arthur Mullard,
Ricky: Yeah, 'course she is.
Steve: He, in turn, is being pleasured, right, by Dusty Springfield.
Ricky: Ohh, exc- Dusty Springfield's not dead.
Steve: ...What?
Ricky: You twat. Dusty Springfield's not dead.
Steve: ...Yes she is.
Ricky: No she isn't!
Steve: She is!
Ricky: Of course she's not! You- you- of...
Steve: She's dea- of course she's dead!
Ricky: 'Course she's not dead!
Steve: ...Who am I thinking of?
Ricky: I don't know! Dusty Springfield's alive and well... and playing with Arthur Mullard's- no, she's not dead!
Steve: Oh God...
Ricky: Well, excellent, it was going so well, wasn't it?
Steve: Ohh...
Ricky: ...I liked the bit up until then, though.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: I liked the idea of her and Mullard,
Steve: Well that's all true.
Ricky: ...In a farm. We can't do that anyway still, you can't do that on the radio, talking about that sort of thing.
Steve: Well let's- I think we should forget this now-
Ricky: I tell you what though, if we're gonna pick on a dead person,
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Why pick Doris Stokes?
Steve: (laughs) I don't know!
Ricky: The one dead person you don't pick!
Steve: I know, I know. God-
Ricky: I'll have to convince her she's dead.
Steve: But even in real life she'd harnessed the powers of the dark side so we wouldn't really want her-
Ricky: (laughs) I know. She liked the dark side-
Steve: ...Getting on our backs.
Ricky: That was her favourite. "Getting on our backs"? Don't get me started on that!
Steve: Oh goodness me it's just nothing but innuendo and libel.
Ricky: Dusty Spring- oh I don't believe it.
Steve: It's libel, play a record Gervais, we're in trouble.
Ricky: We're in trouble now. Oh God, you should have picked someone like Cilla who is dead.
Steve: Yeah.
You Twat
Steve: ...But what I was gonna talk about, what I was actually gonna say is, um, I don't know if I can say the word "twat",
Ricky: No, you can't.
Steve: But when I was a kid and I first went to senior school, I started to learn all these swear words that I didn't know-
Ricky: 'Course you can say the word "twat".
Steve: ...Right-
Ricky: You're not meant to.
Steve: I started learning all these swear words and I went home and I started using the word "twat", I just thought it was a slightly stronger version of "twit".
Ricky: (laughs) Yeah.
Steve: Just thought it's a bit tougher for some reason.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: So I used to go around saying that, and my sister would say, "Stop ruining my lego" and I'd go "You twat."
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And um, "Make your bed, Steve." "No, you twat." I'd say to my mum, right, and I didn't realise what it meant.
Ricky: Right.
Steve: And my dad, right, he didn't really know much about swear words so he started using it as well. He started going "Oh you twat, Steve." And um, "D'you wanna clean the bath?" "No, you twat." and we'd just start using it all the time, right?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: So then at school, Mark Johnson told me what it meant, obviously I'm stunned, I'm thinking, "I can't go round calling my mum a twat",
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: So I didn't- I just stopped using it. Like that, just stopped using it, but I didn't have the guts to tell my dad what it meant.
Ricky: Oh no.
Steve: So he carries on using it and to this day, we're driving along, he'll say to my mum, "Elaine, watch where you're going you twat, you great big twat!"
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: And I just wanna say to him, "Dad, don't say that to my mum" cos she knows, oh she knows what it means.
Ricky: Oh no, really?
Steve: But she's not gonna say to him,
Ricky: Oh God.
Steve: "Ron, would you stop saying that word, cos-"
Ricky: Yeah. Same thing happened to me, my dad still says "Felch".
Steve: Does he?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Ah. Felching, talking of that, right, it's Doris Stokes,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: She's got this huge-
Ricky: Four sailors,
Steve: Four sailors,
Ricky: And a big bucket, and like a weight-
Song: Warm Jets - Hurricane
The Last Show?
Ricky: Warm Jets and Hurricane.
Steve: So they haven't actually told you it's your last show.
Ricky: No, of course they-
Steve: It's not official.
Ricky: Well they wouldn't though, would they, they'd be mad to.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: They usually tell you sort of when you come off, they go, "That was your last show."
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: Y'know what I mean?
Steve: See, I'm annoyed cos if I'd known it was the last show I'd have done something special.
Ricky: What, buffet?
Steve: Yeah we could have had a nice little buffet,
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: Invite round all the listeners,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Into the building.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Um... could have probably squeezed them in the studio in fact.
Ricky: I'd have thought so, yeah.
Steve: Got them all in, I could have put on something nice, like a ballgown or something special.
Ricky: We could have prepared the show.
Steve: We could have- no that was never gonna happen.
Ricky: No, don't be stupid.
Song: Rocket from the Crypt - When in Rome (Do the Jerk)
She Just Used To Lie There
Ricky: Rocket from the Crypt, When in Rome (Do the Jerk), good advice. See, not all Rock'n'Roll's just like, bland nonsense, "When in Rome, do the jerk." Shall I give it away, as it's the last show?
Steve: Man alive. What a way to go out, giving away the autobiogaphy of Doris Stokes.
Ricky: "Voices In My Ear".
Steve: Incredible.
Ricky: Lovely.
Steve: The paperback from what, 1972?
Ricky: I think so, remember Doris Stokes was the medium, an elderly lady about sort of 60, and she filled stadiums in the 70s and 80s and the point was you went along, bereaved people, basically paid a lot of money to speak to their dead loved ones. And don't forget there, Doris Stokes, the whore, cos you can't libel the dead.
Steve: You cannot libel the dead, Doris is gone, we're gonna say what we want.
Ricky: Yeah. So that's gonna-
Steve: Apparently she wasn't even very good.
Ricky: No.
Steve: No, you'd pay your money and she just used to lie there, nothing.
Ricky: Ohh.
Steve: You didn't even get contact with your elderly father, you know.
Ricky: Pig.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Um, "She's helped to solve murder cases, she's filled the Sydney Opera House three nights in a row. Once she even had to convince a man he was dead."
Steve: Brilliant.
Ricky: So um, think of a prize for that, I mean, you know, the phone line's 01715802000, might be your last chance to give us a call but you could win Doris Stokes Voices In My Ear, the Autobiography of a Medium.
Steve: Brilliant.
Ricky: By Linda Deardsley.
Steve: You've really thought this through haven't you, this final show-
Ricky: How did that work? How does that work?
Steve: Beautiful. We're gonna give away that grubby old, tatty copy of Doris Stokes' Autobiography. Man alive, we're really going out with a bang, Gervais.
Ricky: Okay, let's give some more stuff awa- We might as well give some of the good stuff out the library away, the stuff we're not nicking.
Steve: Let's just give away the XFM library.
Ricky: Well go and get some stuff then, cos I want some of it, and then we'll give the rest away, they could call in, any one they like,
Steve: Alright.
Ricky: Yeah?
Song: Nirvana - In Bloom
It's Like Someone Reading French
Steve: Just had an idea there.
Ricky: What?
Steve: You played Nirvana,
Ricky: In Bloom
Steve: So I went in the library, got a load of Nirvana stuff, I got uh, Bleach, uh, The Unplugged Album, Insect- Incesticide,
Ricky: It is like someone reading french, isn't it, you don't know anything about them do you, you don't know what you're doing, you don't know how important Nirvana were, you don't care, you don't know how to pronoun- that's fantastic.
Steve: Uh, From the Muddy Banks of the Wish-kah...? Whatever that means.
Ricky: (laughs) Yeah.
Steve: Um, what's that, Hor- Hormoaning? Never heard of it.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And obviously, Nevermind.
Ricky: "Kurt Coby- bai- ainey? Cob- Cainy?"
Steve: I tell you someting, Gervais,
Ricky: "He's dead."
Steve: I thought to myself, you've got Nirvana there, a lot of people have already got those.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: What they haven't got,
Ricky: A lot of people have.
Steve: Is this: signed copy of Nevermind.
Ricky: You can't give that away.
Steve: No, look, I'm reading it-
Ricky: No no no no-
Steve: I'm reading on the inside sleeve, uh, Krist... Novoslek... Novoselick...
Ricky: Ugh, Jesus.
Steve: David Grohl, and Kurt Cobain signed that.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And I didn't get that from the library, that's from upstairs in the office.
Ricky: Yeah. Well that is obviously someone's personal copy, probably the boss's so you can't give that away.
Steve: Well, Gervais, I think the time for morals...
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: Has long since gone. D'you know what I mean?
Ricky: No don't. Give all the rest away cos that's-
Steve: Oh come on!
Ricky: No you can't give that away, that is someone's prized posession.
Steve: I guarantee there is somebody out there that would put aside those moral questions and accept this.
Ricky: What, you mean you're gonna ask people "Do you think you should have it?"
Steve: Yeah, 01715802000, do you think you should have it?
Ricky: Even though it's someone's prized posession? Mind you, so is this radio station.
Steve: Well.
Her Hip Would Break
Ricky: There's a fax here, "If there was one man I would like to be stuck in a Stena stairlift with, it would be Steve. How about it honey, love, Thora Hird."
Steve: Oh, beautiful. No, it's good to know Thora's listening.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: She's got- Thora has got her finger on the new music pulse.
Ricky: Yeah she's got one finger on the new music pulse. She's got the other on that emergency buzzer.
Steve: In case she has a fall.
Ricky: Her hip would break.
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: I think it's a fake.
Steve: Do you?
Ricky: You see, you can libel the living.
Steve: Oh right.
Ricky: Yeah. let's leave it a few months and then we'll st-
Both laugh
Ricky: I've got a break here and then some uh, go- ohh no. We'll never work in radio again, that's the thing.
Steve: No.
Take 14 Off
Ricky: An hour to go, Steve.
Steve: Yep, it's going very well.
Ricky: I've got one of these live read thingies to give away. It's good actually, got two pairs of tickets to give away to the Llama Farmers gig at the 100 club, 2nd of July, and they're supported by Seafood and Gel, and they're both good bands, I know you've no idea.
Steve: The 2nd of July?
Ricky: ...Yeah?
Steve: That can't be right, it's the 10th today.
Ricky: Yeah, but when I say 2nd I mean 16th.
Steve: (laughing) Right.
Ricky: See what I was doing ther? I was just taking 14 off.
Steve: Right, of course. As any professional DJ would.
Ricky: (laughs) 'Course you do, don't you know that? Don't you now that you take 14 off?
Steve: Is that in the DJ handbook?
Ricky: Yeah, take 14 off.
Steve: Oh right, so any date that you read out, or any number, presumably you always take off 14.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: For any reason?
Ricky: Yeah. That's why people say, "Oh, Gary Crowley, he's 32."
Steve: Right.
Ricky: See what I mean?
Steve: I see, they've taken off 14.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: I understand. Carry on, sorry to criticise.
Ricky: Um, the 100 club on- well, when I say the 100 Club, it's the 86 club. The 86 club on Oxford Street on July the 2nd,
Steve: Right, yeah.
Ricky: Which is uh, oh actually it's just five days away.
Steve: Yeah, incredible that.
Ricky: (sigh) 01715802000
Steve: (laughs) it's beautiful isn't it Gervais?
Ricky: You know what I mean? I can't believe I've even got a job at the end of this! Ohh God...
Steve: They're gonna... sack you. And it's the most justified sacking in the history of man.
Ricky: (laughs) I'm not gonna-
Steve: Can you imagine going to the European court, "I was unfairly sacked." "Gervais, I'll stop you there",
Ricky: The judge would go, "Ricky Gervais" "Yeah" "XFM 104.9-" "Yeah" "Yeah okay. Take the book and read this... 'course you can't, can ya?" "I prom- what's that? I pr- no, forget it."
Steve: "I swear to tell the- the-
Ricky: "Troth?"
Steve: "The troooth?"
Both laugh
Ricky: Oh dear. Under an hour to go. This is for you, Steve. This is Stevie Wonder, Living in the City.
Steve: Ahh...
Ricky: No I love it aswell, it's a great choice and um, it's just to say thanks because you've been good for me.
Steve: Cheers.
Ricky: You've been great, I really do- you know, I couldn't have done it without you.
Steve: No.
Ricky: And I just think if you'd have been sort of normal looking, or you could have got a girl, you wouldn't have been as funny, cos that's been most of our material.
Steve: Let's be honest.
Ricky: You know what I mean, so just don't ever change it.
Steve: Okay.
Song: Stevie Wonder - Living For The City
Blood Sweat and Cum
Ricky: That song as well, Blood, Sweat and Cum?
Steve: Let's have a listen. Could you play it for me?
Ricky: Yeah, okay. Got Camfield to voice it cos he's a bit like Vance, hold on.
Blood, Sweat and Cum is played
Ricky: It's a change of career, innit?
Steve: Be beautiful.
Ricky: D'you know what I mean?
Steve: That'd be great.
Ricky: Keep the profile up. You'd be- something for you in it, I reckon.
Steve: Oh, really?
Ricky: Well I dunno. Uh, drummer?
Steve: A lot of those heavy metal videos have people sort of, you know kind of ugly creatures crawling on screen don't they?
Ricky: I was gonna gonna say cos Metallica they have those things that sort of like, morph into... you!
Steve: Exactly.
Ricky: That'd be amazing wouldn't it?
Steve: Ah, that'd be great. I can see myself- that's a new career opening up for me.
Ricky: Oh God, oh that'd be amazing.
Steve: I'd be in like horror films, it'd be like, "The special effect that isn't a special effect!"
Ricky: I know! But they'd save so much money, wouldn't need all that computerised morphing stuff, you wouldn't need like, makeup-
Steve: Prosthetic makeup.
Ricky: Ah that'd be amazing!
Steve: I could become a star of zombie films.
Ricky: Ohohoh!
Steve: D'you know what I mean, seriously-
Ricky: We'll do the heavy rock thing first, yeah?
Steve: Alright, heavy rock.
Ricky: So anyone out there, any record company, I'll do erm, "Earplugs Are Gay" or "Blood, Sweat and Cum", right, just write down a verse, um, and Steve's in the video.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: We're laughing.
Cat-uh-STRO-fic
Ricky's mum: Hello?
Ricky: Thanks for the card.
Ricky's mum: Oh, you got it then?
Ricky: How old am I then?
Ricky's mum: 37.
Ricky: Yeah I know... cor, 37.
Ricky's mum: Yeah, soon be 40.
Ricky: Yeah, alright.
Ricky's mum: Perkin' up the hill then, boy.
Ricky: (laughs)
Ricky's mum: Life begins at 40.
Ricky: Yeah?
Ricky's mum: Yeap.
Ricky: What happened when you were 40 then?
Ricky's mum: I started going out with Joe Johnson after I'd been locked in for 20 odd years.
Ricky: (laughs)
Ricky's mum: Oh, thank Christ you were the youngest.
Ricky: ...Eh? Why?
Ricky's mum: The last one.
Ricky: (laughs)
Ricky's mum: Gawd knows what the next one woulda been.
Ricky: Well.
Ricky's mum: It'd have been catatroph- castas-
Ricky: Ha! No, go on, keep going.
Ricky's mum: (laughs) Cat-uh-stro-phic.
Ricky: (laughs) One more go.
Ricky's mum: ...Catastrophic.
Ricky: (laughs) You haven't got your teeth in have ya?
Ricky's mum: (laughing) No!
Ricky: Aw you filthy-
Ricky's mum: (laughs) Animal!
Ricky: Ohh, you haven't got your teeth in.
Ricky's mum: I've just eaten my dinner!
Ricky: You're eating your dinner with no teeth in?
Ricky's mum: No, I took it- I've eat me dinner.
Ricky: Ohh that is disgusting, so why'd you take your teeth out for then?
Ricky's mum: You have to wash 'em, there's nobody here.
Ricky: Ohh.
Ricky's mum: Only your father and he ain't anybody.
Ricky: Oh- (laughs) Do you still crimp the pastry with your false teeth cos that is disgusting.
Ricky's mum: (wheezing) Oh, you lying-
Ricky: (mimicking her) "You lowww" It's Darth Vader!
Ricky's mum: (laughs)
Ricky: It's like Darth Vader!
Ricky's mum: You are disgusting, Rick.
Ricky: Oh God, I can't believe you haven't got your teeth in.
Ricky's mum: Well, it's difficult to say "catas...trophic".
Ricky: (laughs) Oh God.
Ricky's mum: Well let me here you say it.
Ricky: Catastrophic.
Ricky's mum: That's it.
Ricky: Yeah.
Ricky's mum: That's what I meant.
Ricky: Yeah, I know.
Ricky's mum: (laughs)
Ricky: Right, alright then I better go now.
Ricky's mum: Right.
Ricky: Right, see you later.
Ricky's mum: Cheerio.
Ricky: Bye.
We Love Steve
Steve: The last ever Ricky Gervais show.
Ricky: Almost certainly. That was for Becky who's having her wisdom teeth out tomorrow.
Steve: Don't envy her.
Ricky: Oh no. No, d'you know what they do? What they do is right, they tie you down and you like- no, no it's fine, they've got um, anaesthetic these days and everything haven't they?
Steve: Apparently so.
Ricky: Not is Bristol, though.
Steve: Not in the West Country, no.
Ricky: Do they still tie it to a door?
Steve: Well to be honest, if you've got dodgy wisdom teeth you're a witch.
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: It's as simple as that. It's as simple as that, Gervais. You know, they wheel you out to the ducking stool, bob bob bob...
Ricky: Yeah, he still works there, does he?
Steve: He does, yeah.
Ricky: With his two brothers, also called Bob.
Steve: Get on with it.
Ricky: I know, you know, and uh, this is a different Becky, Becky and Laura, they wondered if I showed you those nice pictures they sent through.
Steve: Oh what were they of, the apes?
Ricky: (laughs) Yeah you didn't laugh, did you?
Steve: Hilarious. Brilliant. What, "That's you Steve, hahaha". I got a fax here from Bernard, he says, "I'm a regular listener and I want to know why is Ricky being taken off the air." Bernard, if you don't know the answer to that, you're not a regular listener.
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: Um, which is a shame because we've had a few other faxes and stuff, I had a letter, this is the first letter I've had for years, it says, "We love Steve, we pledge our alliance to all forces amphibian or insectile and we worship the grand fish monster." So I'm getting kind of positive mail like that,
Ricky: Mm.
Steve: And it's too late, it's too late in the day.
Ricky: That is positive. That's a lovely letter. A lot of people, you know, most people would like... envy you-
Steve: To be called the fish monster.
Ricky: (laughing) Yeah. Ah that's fantastic.
Steve: Believe me that is a sign of affection.
Ricky: Yeah.
Police Are Combing The Area
Matt: Michal Schumacher's won the British Grand Prix in a very confusing finish-
Ricky: Matt, sorry, Matt, can I stop you there, haven't you got any like, fun stories?
Steve: Yeah Matt, haven't you got any sort of like, Two Ronnies style news stories?
Matt: No, there's no fun! There's news, there's no fun!
Steve: Or, you know, Two Ronnies style like, you know, "A man with a meat cleaver has been terrorising nudist colonies, inspector Wilson of Scotland Yard has had a tip off but he expects to be on duty tomorrow."
Ricky: Or like, "Scotland yard had all its toilets stolen, police have nothing to go on."
Steve: That's what we want, that's what everyone's after.
Matt: Oh, right, no, nothing as interesting as that I'm afraid.
Ricky: Okay go on-
Steve: No, carry on
Ricky: Carry on as you were, sorry.
Matt: Okay, right. XFM news with nothing really silly, I'm Matt Johnson.
Steve: That was good. It was alright, yeah, you want stuff like you know um, "A lorry load of wigs has crashed on the M4, police are combing the area. That's what we're after.
Matt: (laughs)
Ricky: Um, you're in news, can you libel the dead?
Matt: Umm, I'd rather steer clear of any controversial comments if you don't mind.
Ricky: Okay. No no, I didn't mean you, I didn't expect you to.
Matt: I don't think you can but I'm... I'm not sure.
Ricky: Excellent. What d'you think of Doris Stokes?
Matt: Um, I think she was a very talented lady who brought joy to a lot of people.
Ricky: That's fantastic.
Steve: So you don't think she's a prostitute?
Matt: Uh, absolutely not.
Ricky: Okay.
That's What Cats Do
Ricky: Steve?
Steve: Yeah?
Ricky: You know we gave away those CDs? "Hey, great giveaways." It's good radio isn't it? "We've got CDs to give away!" Tickets and that, it's good radio.
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: Do you remember who won them?
Steve: What, last week?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Well no.
Ricky: Right... I gotta get them back.
Steve: What- are these the CDs we took from the library?
Ricky: Yeah. I gotta get them back. 01715802000 if you won those CDs... could you... give us a call?
Steve: (laughs) Well why should they bother? They're probably busy listening to them, d'you know what I mean, you can't give something away and then take it back.
Ricky: Yeah I need- big time. I gotta get them back.
Steve: We've had a bill for the computer as well.
Ricky: That's mine.
Steve: No, it's not yours.
Ricky: It is mine.
Steve: It's not yours.
Ricky: I procured that, that is- that is mine now.
Steve: No-
Ricky: That is technically- that technically counts as ownership.
Steve: Listen Gervais, it's not yours alright, I've told you this bef- I've explained this to you a hundred times, alright,
Ricky: What?
Steve: If you urinate on something,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: It is not yours.
Ricky: It does, in the cat world.
Steve: No, it does not become yours-
Ricky: That's what cats do! That is what cats do. They go round their territory, that's theirs, they urinate on it, that computer's mine.
Steve: If a cat urinates on something, right,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: In its cat philosophy it owns that, I agree, that's a sort of-
Ricky: Well there you go then!
Steve: What do you call it, a sort of territory thing.
Ricky: What's the difference?
Steve: You're not a cat!
Ricky: No, I know!
Steve: You're not a cat!
Ricky: That's discrimination.
Steve: No, you're not a cat, you can't live life by cat rules.
Ricky: Well, I've got loads of stuff like that. My flat's full of stuff that I've got like that.
Steve: What?
Ricky: Yeah I've got uh, two telephone boxes,
Steve: Right.
Ricky: Um, I've got a cash point machine, yeah. Glynn was furious, he was getting out money.
Steve: Right.
Ricky: Um, side of a church.
Steve: That's yours.
Ricky: Yeah. Um, two BMWs, well I had two, I've got one now.
Steve: What happened?
Ricky: The second one, the owner caught me, and he started doing the same. And cos I started first I finished first so he finished last so it was technically his again.
Steve: Is that how it works?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: If I... piss on something then that's mine?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: But if someone else pisses on it then that's theirs?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Is that how it works?
Ricky: Could you say "Urinate", this is XFM 104.9
They're My Shoes, Gervais
Steve: They're not yours!
Ricky: They are mine.
Steve: They're not- they're my shoes, Gervais.
Ricky: Yeah, and they're mine now.
Steve: No they're not- I can't believe- I- This is why I don't wanna do this anymore.
Ricky: Why?
Steve: Just- I can't believe you!
Ricky: They're my shoes now, that is how- that is ownership, that counts.
Steve: In the cat world.
Ricky: They're my shoes now, and some of the carpet is mine aswell.
Steve: In the cat world!
Ricky: Yeah. Well.
Steve: You cannot live your life by the rules of the cat world.
Ricky: I can. I can.
Steve: What does your girlfriend think about this-
Ricky: Watch this...
Ricky sprinkles some liquid
Steve: Ohh...
Ricky: Maybe I could do that!
Some Sort of Advertising for the YMCA
Steve: I just think it's a wonderful thing, you know, the YMCA doesn't get enough publicity, good press,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And the Village People did them a favour. I mean why on earth they wrote that song-
Ricky: Are you serious?
Steve: To publicise the YMCA, I mean who thinks, "Mm, I don't know, uh, the people who have done the police force, you know they've"-
Ricky: Hold on, wait a minute, this is very good- but I think you mean this and you don't know what that song- you think they're actually some sort of advertising for the YMCA?
Steve: Well I don't know it just seems really odd to me.
Ricky: Well if I remember at the time, the YMCA complained at the time cos the connotations.
Steve: What conno- it was just a PR thing for the YMCA I imagine, it was like that one, the "In the navy"
Ricky: No no no-
Steve: "In the navy!"
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: D'you know what I mean, the sort of PR thing for the navy, it's just bizarre.
Ricky: Yeah, when they were dressed up as sailors and stuff?
Steve: Yeah, well whatever.
Ricky: Whereas usually they're a sort of construction worker with a nice moustache, aren't they?
Steve: (laughs) Yeah, yeah.
Ricky: Traffic cop.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: ...Jhodpurs. And uh-
Steve: Wha- I don't- is this-
Ricky: I'm worried about the red indian chief!
Steve: Am I supposed to be reading-
Ricky: I dunno when that's been a big-
Steve: Am I supposed to be reading between the lines or something?
Ricky: (clears throat)
Song: Babybird - If You'll Be Mine
I Would Not Have Andi Peters
Steve: I don't- I mean I don't really understand, I mean this seriously.
Ricky: Okay, alright.
Steve: I don't understand what you're talking about.
Ricky: Okay well this is fine- well obviously, there were gay connotations, it's like a gay icon record isn't it? YMCA. In the Navy. That was the point of it. What did you need, one of them dressed as Judy Garland? What- I don't understand what was your problem with that.
Steve: Wha- I don't understand why that suggests that people are gay I don't-
Ricky: It doesn't, necessarily, it's like, it's high camp isn't it? It's been adopted since as well.
Steve: But the 4 of them, there's a guy dressed as a motorcycle cop, there's no reason why he should be gay.
Ricky: There's no reason why anyone should be gay!
Steve: There's a builder,
Ricky: Yeah?
Steve: Alright, um...
Ricky: So no builders are gay, ever. You can't be gay if-
Steve: There's another one, I can't remember what the other one is,
Ricky: Right.
Steve: And there's a red indian. Why on earth the red indian is supposed to be an icon of homosexuality I've no idea.
Ricky: (laughs) I don't know about that, I'm flummoxed on that one I'll be honest.
Steve: But what I'm saying to you Gervais is if you're gonna use- if you're gonna talk about gay people, then why don't they used the cliches? Why isn't there a hairdresser,
Ricky: Right... because it's probably the sort of cliches that even seen gays wanna get away from, also you're confusing camp, ITV gays with real homosexual people who live normal lives.
Steve: If I'm gonna write a song about gay people I'm gonna have a hairdresser,
Ricky: Yeah you are! You are!
Steve: (laughs) All I'm saying is, in order to appeal to a gay community I'd have a hairdresser, John Inman,
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: Larry Grayson,
Ricky: Obviously.
Steve: And uh...
Ricky: Well you wouldn't have Jason Donovan then, obviously.
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: Cos he's not, so you wouldn't have him would you?
Steve: No I wouldn't have Jason Donovan.
Ricky: No.
Steve: Well I wouldn't have Philip Schofield.
Ricky: Well no, there's no reason to.
Steve: I wouldn't have Andi Peters.
Ricky: Right.
Steve: I wouldn't have Andi Peters.
Ricky: Okay I'm getting scared.
Steve: If I-
Ricky: Shut up!
Steve: I would not have Andi Peters!
Ricky: I'm getting scared!
Steve: I would not have Andi Peters!
Ricky: SHUT UUUUUP!
Ricky: Um, I've been watching a lot of telly over the weekend.
Steve: Oh, right, go on.
Ricky: Yeah, been fant- oh, my favourite- I dunnno if I- you heard in the week, I was briefly telling Claire about it, 3-2-1
Continued on Side B