Ricky Gervais Quotes By Topic

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This a collection of opinions and quotes by Ricky Gervais listed by topic.
Click here to see Ricky Gervais Quotes By Date. Click here to see [funny quotes]

On Animals

“You never see a lazy ant. It's always working... It's drunk, but it's always working.”
-Xfm 17 November 2001

“There’s a certain lack of respect for the... squid and octopi fraternity.”
-Xfm 02 March 2002

“You're an idiot. What you think an African family wakes up and there's a little goat with a ribbon tied 'round it? And they go, ‘Oh look what Santa brought us!’”
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 4

On Chris Moyles

“And it was, um, it was, uh, titles with - song titles with golf. About golf. Like so he'd go like "Drive", by The Cars. And then that. And and I was phonin'; I was gettin' so excited. I wanted to phone up and go, ‘Huhhh - Duran Duran, 'Golfie Golfie Golf Golf!’”
-Xfm 28 September 2002

On Jonathan Ross

“When a top celebrity in a lovely looking suit walks down the corridor with his penis out…”
-Xfm 15 December 2001

On Karl Pilkington

On Karl's Anecdotes

"There's a naked woman across the road, what do you THINK I'm doing, Suzanne?! I'm exposing myself while looking at some FREE FANNY! WHAT'S UP WITH YOU, SUZANNE?!"
-Xfm 27 December 2003

On Karl's Childhood Memories

“Karl’s stories always start off nice and funny, and then they just leave me empty and slightly depressed. I don’t know whether to hug him or shoot him – put him out of his misery. Can we take Karl to the... phone in if you think we should take Karl to the vet and have him put down! Cos it’s just too stressful.”
-Xfm 09 March 2002

"’Punch me on the arm!’..’No! Punch me on the arm, Karl!’"
-Xfm 02 March 2002

On Doing the Radio Show with Karl

“It’s like having your very own Fisher Price toy, two hours a week!”
-Xfm 20 April 2002

“This is the strangest radio show in the world.”
-Xfm 02 July 2005

On Karl's “Facts”

“Karl just said to me ‘Here you are, here's something. You can't hold your breath to death!’"
-Xfm 23 November 2002

“Stop talking shit all your life.”
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 3

“Old cold belly badness.”
-Podcast Series 3 Episode 2

On Karl's Favourite Television Shows

“You only watch programs if it's about someone who's got summat wrong with 'em, that's what you do, if ever you say ‘Did you see that thing last night?’ It's gonna be summat like The Kid Born With Too Many Legs or 'The Baby With An Arse For A Head.'"
-NME Radio Show

On Karl's Future as an Author

“He's got to write a book, this bloke. You have got to write a book, Karl.”
-Xfm 16 February 2002

On Karl’s Head

“No, it's perfectly round, your head. Perfectly spherical head, your face is slightly too big for it, it always goes over the, almost goes over the sides. Perfectly round head, um, pug little nose, funny gimp eyes with no expression, hangdog look, like a little mouth, like a little lamprey, not formed, not human formed, the way your expression, is, it is like you've had a lobotomy, your head goes weird at the back, it's got a little nod in it, uh, it's really strange, your face. And you're stupid.”
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 6

“I know. Karl, has got a head like a fucking orange!”
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 7

“They wouldn’t look at your body; they’d all look at your head.”
-Podcast Series 3 Episode 1

On Karl’s Intelligence

“For a simple man, you retain an awful lot of knowledge. It's just all rubbish. If you just replace all this rubbish with good stuff, you'd be an intellectual really. Because your retention is fantastic.”
-Xfm 30 November 2002

On Karl’s Philosophy

“It's better not to try, than to try your hardest and be rubbish! ... Think of that! You're not even reaching your standards!”
-Xfm 18 January 2003

“What about Einstein? And this is what [Karl] said, 'Again, I've never needed MC squared in my life. The fella who invented the video, I watch one a day.'”
-Xfm 25 January 2003

“But the number of times they'd type it and write ‘Karl Pilkington is a genius and Ricky Gervais is a cund.’"
-Xfm 08 February 2003

On Karl’s Ringworm

“Were these all euphemisms? ‘Well, wrestlers get it, know any wrestlers?’, ‘No doctor.’ ‘Hmmm, stroke any bald pets?’, ‘No.’ ‘OK, gay people get it! Look, are you gay, are you gay? I'm gay, I'm gay. I wanna stroke summat bald.’"
-NME Radio Show

On Karl’s Rise to Fame

“Bloke from Manchester. Went a bit balder than the rest. Got a job on radio. He was normal.”
-Xfm 12 October 2002

On Karl’s Sexuality

“He wanted to pleasure women with this machine! You're saying 'Can I see a little gay fella get a robotic cock up his ass?' You're the one requesting that, Karl Pilkington. You're the one who wants to see gay men with metal stuff up their ah-nus!”
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 2

“Why are you fantasizing what a little gay fella was doing in front of your mirror?”
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 1

“So what you’re doing is watching someone else wank.”
-Podcast Series 3 Episode 1

On Karl’s Theories

“You know who killed Diana don't you? Flower companies, son... Yeah, alright, right Dad you're not wrong.”
-Xfm 14 June 2003

On Things Karl Enjoys

“We were trying to work out what you enjoy doing and we got to Manchester United.. and moaning.”
-Xfm 14 June 2003

On Listeners

"Now, our listeners have got open minds, they're, they're not only open, they're blank, you know what I mean, really."
-Xfm 19 January 2002

“I think our listeners are always on the web.”
-Xfm 11 January 2003

“This is no longer an entertainment show! This is three people, chattin' to each other .. sometimes we remember it's goin' out, sometimes we just take a call for our own amusement.”
-Xfm 18 January 2003

“Even our listeners know you're talkin' rubbish, and some of those aren't allowed to wear socks!”
-Xfm 25 January 2003

“If I know our listeners, and I don’t want to.”
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 1

“What sort of a cunt would write that email?”
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 3

On Meeting Derren Brown

“I said to Derren, 'If in doubt, he'll be thinking of monkeys'. And Derren looked at Karl and said, 'Were you thinking of monkeys?', he said, 'I tried not to and I thought of them more.'”
-Xfm 12 April 2003

On Monkey News

"There is no way! A monkey launched a rocket!! You idiot!"
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 1

(Making a chimp sound) "a-a.. You go for the nose.. a-a-a I'll go for his bollocks a-a-a-a-a-a"
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 3

“'If the chimp wants to play with your tits, love, let the chimp play with your tits.'”
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 3

“'C'mon Rita, if monkey wants play wi' nipples let 'im'”
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 3

“It's official, there's two buttons on this space ship: Banana Dispenser, and Everything Else.”
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 12

On Prince

“Steve Merchant says Prince is a genius. This is Xfm, 104.9!”
-Xfm 05 October 2002

“Prince: Genius or little fella?! It's up to you!”
-Xfm 05 October 2002

On Race

“Ebony and Ivory. No more racism now. That one's done.”
-Xfm 28 September 2002

On Rockbusters

“You're just like your little magpie, thieving ideas from Mayo's nest.”
-Xfm 31 August 2002

“Do you know what a pun is? You can't have, ‘Oh, he's bald and his rides a bike. Who's that? Bicycle Stipe.’"
-Xfm 22 November 2003

On Songs of Phrase

“We've done hairy Chinese kids, we've done people having their nobs cut off, we've done freaks with no arms or legs. Ooh! Have we done Forrest Gump In A Wheelie Bin?”
-Xfm 22 March 2003

“That is mental, Karl! It's the most convoluted, ridiculous - racist - piece of material, ever to be uttered on radio!”
-Xfm 02 August 2003

On Stephen Merchant

“With his shirt off you could see his heart like a newborn fish.”
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 2

“I couldn’t have saved you with your glasses off and your knob out.”
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 2

“You look like an upright lizard being given electroshock therapy.”
-Podcast Series 3 Episode 4

On Swearing

"Be careful with the language. Screw, damn, and bloody do not a sermon make."
-Xfm 19 January 2002

“That Method Man, if he doesn't stop ‘effin' and jeffin'’ it's the end of his career, all this ‘eff' that’ and ‘yo jeff, I'm a jeff' meself.’"
-Xfm 14 June 2003

On Transvestites

“When Eddie Izzard is naked, is he a naked transvestite?”
-Xfm 05 October 2002

“It's always that way with a tranny, innit?”
-Xfm 08 February 2003

On Urban Legends

“Yeah and... what sort of bloke goes ‘I'll call you at 4, okay, if your business is...’ 'Well, call me anyway' ‘No, no, if I don't call at exactly 4 then commit suicide’ 'Commit suicide?' ‘I would, cos if I don't call at 4, urgh, that's the end of it.’”
-Xfm 27 April 2002

On Vacations with his Mum and Nan

“You wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning to hear your Nan pissing in an iron bucket and you get disorientated.”
-Xfm 24 November 2001

“You haven't lived until you've woken up to the sound at 3 o'clock in the morning of your nan having a wee in a tin bucket and it echoing around a caravan.”
-Xfm 26 January 2002

On Work Ethic

“We did come in half hour early to prepare, but instead me and Karl were playing- you had to flick the football into the bin, you had five goals each, or the world was gonna end.”
-Xfm 07 September 2002

“I sort of wanna climb on Karl and go to sleep on him, d'you know what I mean? To both annoy him, and it'd be comfortable.”
-Xfm 19 October 2002

“Will it be any good next week? Tune in and find out on Xfm 104.9!”
-Xfm 16 November 2002

“We don't give away prizes we throw away prizes.”
-Xfm 08 February 2003

“Conning the management baby, sending the station spiralling down into the depth because of his greeeeed...and selfishness."
-Xfm 01 November 2003

“Fucking hell, more insects! What have you done? Is that all you’ve done this summer?”
-Podcast Series 3 Episode 1

"I've never seen anyone, on this planet, waste as much time as you. If you're not on holiday, you're following an insect around the fuckin' park, so don't give me that shit."
-The Podfather Part 2 - Thanksgiving

"God! He's in and out of the kidney hospital, and they're saying 'there's no kidney stone, Mr. Pilkington' and now he goes and gets his 'legs rubbed' once a week, Christ almighty! Do some fucking work!"
-The Podfather Part 2 - Thanksgiving