22 November 2003

Xfm Series 3 November 2003 - January 2004 List of episodes

Episodes: 01 November 2003 08 November 2003 (Transcript) 15 November 2003 (Transcript) 22 November 2003 (Transcript) 29 November 2003 (Transcript) 06 December 2003 (Transcript) 13 December 2003 20 December 2003 27 December 2003 ('Best of') 03 January 2004 (Transcript) 10 January 2004 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

Karl and Steve talk about looks, Ricky and Steve debunk newspaper articles as well as Karl's history lessons, and the K-man reworks Pulp Fiction.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 22 November 2003/Transcript.

1. The Woe of Wearing Glasses (0:00:00)

The trio celebrate England's victory at the Rubgy World Cup. Ricky says he watches England win anything, even war. Steve enjoyed it too, but not when he had to play it at school. Ricky says he managed to stay out of the way of the ball when he played it, as he did at cricket, what an athlete. Steve never liked rugby because his mum told him that someone she went to school with broke his neck. The lanky one was "petrified", but sustained no injuries, despite playing in NHS glasses, specially modified with "wire". Steve says he has also never been able to mosh at a concert, save for a Rage Against The Machine gig at Reading Festival. However, he did not find it an enjoyable experience, due to dropping his glasses mid-mosh and trying to find them while the band played on, presumably ignoring the 6'7" panicking freak in front of them. Despite all this, he has rejected "fiddly" contact lenses.

2. It's Only A Phone-Karl (0:04:59)

Ricky attacks Karl ("I've got 5 jobs"), and plays a phone message left by Pilky, in which he attacks Duncan, The Holy Trinity of Comedy's agent. The message is littered with swearwords as the Manc moans about how he is doing Duncan's work for him, while the agent is "sat on his arse, with his thumb firmly up his arse". Steve Wurzels out a laugh, before reminding the listeners about the time Karl didn't pass on a voiceover message for him. Pilky thought that Steve knew the caller already but on the other hand, it was a woman. Steve points out that Karl never picks on Ricky, which Ricky finds amusing. Karl says he looks after Steve, with "tickets and lager", not that Steve is even grateful, even claiming that Karl bears grudges particularly over the "50p incident" which Steve recaps. Steve offers a kiss.

3. Steve and the Whore (0:09:37)

Ricky links "Animal" by REM to his "Animals" stand-up DVD, which he then plugs. Merchant says that people should buy "The Office" instead. Steve points out that all the stand up observations have been heard on the Xfm shows. Steve tells about when he was walking down the street, talking on his mobile, when "what can only be described as a prostitute" asked him if he "wanted to buy sex". He was annoyed that she interrupted his phone call, not that she asked him. He and Ricky role-play Steve hanging up a phone-call from his mum to "negotiate with a whore". It was the first time he'd been propositioned, which surprises Karl as he thought that "they'd ask people who don't like they've got much chance". Karl attacks Steve's looks, his eyes in particular. Steve sarcastically calls Karl Johnny Depp. Karl says that Steve's eyes are "bad" because it's nature's way of saying "nothing to see here, move on". Steve retorts that Pilky looks like a face drawn onto a half inflated balloon. Karl snaps back with an anecdote. Someone he knows overheard a conversation on the tube, where a woman points out the poster for the Xfm show to a friend. Her friend said, "Ooh, who's that person, he looks odd". The friend is sympathetic as she knew he was odd before she saw the poster, but it was the friend's first encounter with Steve, who is unhappy with this story and rounds on Ricky, attacking his fat physique and his defection from Steve to Jonathan Ross.

4. A Lesson In History (0:16:55)

Steve gives a shout-out to the emailers. Ricky recaps recent events, mainly about gays, Chinese and monkeys. The Pringles people have emailed in to offer free crisps to Ricky, which amuses Steve as "Kylie gets underwear and you get sent the crisps". Steve describes a woman at the Finchley Road tube station "who can't move for snacks", and wonders how she escapes. He says it's a job he wouldn't do. Ricky says he wouldn't work in a photocopying shop, unless people came in wanting copies of their arse. Karl is just happy as he is. Ricky is like Squiddly Diddly. Karl read about "Ivor the Terrible", who had someone building his house for him. When it was finished, Ivan gouged the man's eyes out so he couldn't build another house as beautiful. Ricky says Ivan should have just stolen the trowel, claiming Ivan's nickname might be "crafty" rather than "terrible", had he done that. Karl also read about a woman who worked for "the bloke who painted that ceiling", meaning the Sistine Chapel. Ricky says Karl's talks in riddles. Michaelangelo had to draw shopping items he wanted, because as "he's a better drawer" than the woman.

5. Rockbusters (0:25:20)

Rockbusters is Blockbusters but with music. Steve reads out the prizes, including Animals which is "weak observations, poorly performed". Karl reads out the clues.

6.The Real News (0:28:20)

Steve says there's a lot of junk in the studio, including last week's Guardian Guide. He is enraged because it contains an interview about the transfer of "The Office" from UK to the US, in which the following passage is transcribed: "'We don't care if Brent becomes a woman,' burbles Steve Merchant, eyes bulging with imagined riches". Steve's bulge anyway, while Ricky insists that the interview was ironic and tongue in cheek, and then lambasts everybody for not being clued-up enough to know that. Time for Karl's news headlines from Ananova:

• Bong: "Man Hid In Wardrobe To Avoid Work"
• Bong: "Teenager Gets Stuck In Washing Machine"
• Bong: "Dutch Man Has Two Right Feet"
• Bong: "Cow Hit By Train Lands On Farmer's Wife"

Ricky collapses in hysterics at the last story. Karl says the Dutch man with two right feet would be a good dancer. Ricky talks of the real news that a journalist smuggled a fake bomb into Buckingham Palace, but says it was no big deal as the Palace looks out for terrorists not journalists. Ricky says everybody lies on their C.V., although he has never done one. Karl says he has lied many times. On one job application at Granada under "languages", he wrote "English, quite good". He didn't hear back, surprisingly. Steve says he should have put "weak" instead. Suzanne just laughed. Karl doesn't want to talk about her hair today, mainly because the film feature today involves her hair.

7. Arse-cdotes (0:35:30)

Karl still insists that the best job he's had is his paper round. He would not be a proctologist, and doesn't understand why that procedure is needed. Ricky is amused that he can blow Karl's mind with standard facts. Karl says the proctologists need to have nice nails, like he did when he handed out biscuits to old people. Gervais explains that proctologists check for enlarged prostates, and recaps the story of a man with sauce bottle inserted into his rectum. "That's like a game of Kerplunk," Karl says. Ricky explains puns and makes up his own Rockbuster. Karl recaps the clues.

8. Vamping Around With Newspapers (0:41:28)

The last record Ricky and Steve played on the old Xfm was that last Dylan album they just played. Ricky says that he doesn't care about money (as the Guardian insisted) or else he wouldn't be doing this show. Meanwhile, "Monkey Matt" has emailed in with a story that Karl has missed, headlined "Hide and Seek Champion Found Dead In Cupboard". Another story Karl missed was "Woman Says Husband Ran Off To Become Vampire". Steve tells the story, which he suspects has been doctored by the journalist as it ends with the line "If my husband came back I'd say "fangs but no fangs". Ricky and Steve role play the conversation between the journalist and the woman.

9. Oh, Here's The Answers... (0:45:44)

Ricky is annoyed at another ad break coming up. He says that 20 minutes a show is too much, but Steve thinks the listeners are requesting them because they are more entertaining than the show. Time for Rockbusters results, though no one has got all three. Ricky is annoyed and yells at Karl for the last clue. He makes Pilky do the Jamaican voice over and over, and still thinks the clue doesn't work. Ricky and Steve are looking forward to the ads.

10. Pulp Friction (0:49:10)

Ricky announces the death of Rockbusters. Time for "The Film Thing" this week: Pulp Fiction in which Suzanne is forced to have her haircut. Steve finds it amusing that Suzanne is represented by a dimwit Southern accent, and wonders what copyright laws Karl's infringed.

11. PG Tips - The Truth (0:53:48)

A listener has gotten the film quiz answer, and Ricky wonders if their swearing is OK, and criticises Karl's incompetence again. Steve remembers the phone message from earlier, in which Karl runs out of words half way through. Hopefully next week will be better. Karl says he has no Monkey News, but when pressed conjures up a story about a place where people can buy tea that has been handpicked by chimps, because it tastes good. Steve thinks he's got a story mixed up with PG Tips adverts, which Ricky thinks Karl has got confused as a documentary. Ricky tells listeners to watch the extras on his DVD to see Karl's head, and Steve says not to bother watching the rest as it's a bit poor.

Quotes

Steve: Whenever we get on to this conversation, I always think to myself, 'Karl, do you know what you look like'.

Ricky: I mean I was mistaken for Johnny Vegas, if you wanna have a go at me ...
Steve: Well, someone just thought you were fat, with a beard. Which is true.

Ricky: The thing about Pringles is, when I pop I can't stop.
Steve: I think that's 'cause of the chemicals.

Ricky: People say Americans don't get irony; most people here don't get irony. That's why they think this show's rubbish!

Steve: Talking of arse, Rockbusters.

Ricky: Do you know what a pun is? You can't have, "Oh, he's bald and his rides a bike". "Who's that?" "Bicycle Stipe".

Steve: Every time Karl opens his mouth, it's the equivalent of walking across one of those rickety bridges in Indiana Jones.

Trivia

• Ricky says on this show that the last song him and Steve ever played on the old Xfm before the 1998 takeover by Capital Radio was It's All Over Now Baby Blue by Bob Dylan, however on the 15 December 2001 he says it was If You See Her, Say Hello also by Bob Dylan.
• The snack bars on Finchley Road station have sadly gone now, in case you were thinking of making a visit.

Rockbusters

I'm going to the Northeast - What're you going there for? S.
Oh yeah, she's related to the man in the lamp. G.
The Jamaican fella would love to live there, but it's a little bit pricey. D.S.

Playlist

Kings of Leon - Molly's Chambers
Lou Reed feat. David Bowie - Satellite of Love
REM - Animal
Blur - Out of Time
The Smiths - I Don't Owe You Anything
Jet - Roll Over DJ
Travis - Beautiful Occupation
Bob Dylan - It's All Over Now Baby Blue
Feeder - Forget About Tomorrow
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - We're All In Love
Badly Drawn Boy - Thunder Road
G-Unit - Stunt 101

External Links

• "Fangs but no fangs" article
• Ivor the Terrible's builder