01 November 2003

Xfm Series 3 November 2003 - January 2004 List of episodes

Episodes: 01 November 2003 08 November 2003 (Transcript) 15 November 2003 (Transcript) 22 November 2003 (Transcript) 29 November 2003 (Transcript) 06 December 2003 (Transcript) 13 December 2003 20 December 2003 27 December 2003 ('Best of') 03 January 2004 (Transcript) 10 January 2004 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant are back for a run of 12 shows, you lucky people you. Here's the first:

Track Listing

1. Same Old "Hell" (0:00:00)

The show begins with dead air. Steve says it's a shambles already and wants to "shoot off". Ricky lambasts Karl for his threat made at the end of season 2, that he wouldn't come back. Gervais says that it was all a ruse to get Mondays off work, the same day that Suzanne has off. The fat funnyman says that nobody listens to Xfm anyway, describing it as a "sinking ship". Graham who Karl has conned has lost all respect he once commanded, Ricky says. The Brent-esque figure says he hates people who don't work and demands that Karl prove his worth by telling the nation what has happened in the last few months. Karl says that he has Rockbusters, updated, but if the show isn't broke then don't fix it. Ricky says that it was never good, and he only does it for a laugh and to annoy Karl, which clearly works ("It's hell in there" Karl said to his agent about the show). Ricky hit Karl's round head with a bin, a tray and toilet paper, all in one day. Karl says that nothing has changed at Xfm, but the woman who he saw naked across the street has "bought some blinds".

"She looks a bit like Lemmy!"

2. Lemmy Loving (0:05:12)

Steve says that the bloke from Nickelback looks like he's 40 years old, while Ricky says he looks like a child with lion face paint on. Meanwhile, Steve tells of the large email response about Ricky's laugh; he personally doesn't like it. Karl doesn't mind but he hates his head being "squoze". Ricky thinks it is strange that Karl doesn't like it, "as if it's like Marmite". Karl is incredulous, "as if some people like it and some people hate it". Ricky says that sometimes he just need to get air out, and that he's fat because the weight is laughter waiting to get out. Steve brings back "Make Ricky Laugh", which Ant and Dec also do. The lanky one shows Ricky a picture from a news story entitled "Mother, 48, Seduces Boy, 14". The picture of the mother in question sends Ricky into fits of silent laughter. "She looks a bit like Lemmy!" Steve crows before comparing her to the oldest man in the world, which prompts a retelling of Karl's theory that Oriental people don't age well, and that the oldest man in the world, 120, is actually about 37. Pilky says that he has never seen a 30 year old Chinaman; it's "either 20 or 50" he claims, and says that the world's oldest man is just "trying it on".

3. Chip Strike (0:12:41)

Ricky reminds London of his and Steve's triumph, they are "GQ Presenters of the Year" then again criticises Karl for not working, which reminds Steve of the postal strike that took place at the time. The lankmeister is furious, and hopes that the striking doesn't spread to the people in charge of the potatoes. Jane and Suzy Dibblethwait's beaver. (Karl recaps his childhood trips to Hugh Fays to get potatoes and bread), but wouldn't care if Covent Garden sketch artists went on strike or toilet attendants in night clubs, which is topical due to "the Cheryl Tweedy Case".

4. Toilet Troubles (0:18:38)

Steve sympathises with Cheryl Tweedy over the the recent abuse of a toilet attendant and he claims that the attendants do a hard job but doesn't want them to be humanised. A solution might be to have a hand like Thing from The Addams Family involved. Ricky would nick a lollipop and run away.

5. Slade-head (0:21:42)

A listener writes in because his wife has no birthday cards due to the postal strike. Suzanne and Karl still have the condoms from Christmas. Cordwainers College used to be a poly or a laundrette. Karl has to do a questionnaire on the concept of happiness. At a 9 when he woke up, then fell out with Suzanne over her Dave Hill haircut. "Dump her," Steve says. Karl is now on a 6 due to headsqueezing, and a 4 for the day. For someone who wasn't happy, Karl doesn't know what he'd give, but would definitely give Suzanne some hair gel. Leaning something cheers Karl up, especially if it is weird. Karl then says that he doesn't know what object he would be given to cheer him up, but it wouldn't be world peace, as "someone else would wish for that". Ricky presses him for an answer but Karl doesn't know; he's happy anyway. Karl doesn't want to be too rich so he doesn't have to go on too many more holidays. Willie Wonka was an idiot to give a chocolate factory to a kid.

6. Gay Meetings (0:29:48)

Steve and Ricky advertise Billy Bragg's love songs (just ignore all the political stuff). The point of life is to be on a 10 on the happiness scale. Karl realises when he's annoyed more than when he's happy. Ricky blasts him for moaning then says that friends are the point of life to him, but they annoy Karl. Ricky criticises Karl for not liking Suzanne's hair. Karl says he was happy when he was on a train, reading about sharks but then two "gay fellas" got on. Another of Karl's theories was proven correct as he heard the two homosexuals arrange to meet a bloke at 1am. The bloke in question was described as having a shaved head, which Karl doesn't think is a good description in the gay community. Gay fellas ironing their jeans. The Killing of Georgie. Karl praises the shark article, and says that he'll teach Ricky and Steve about it soon.

7. Piss Arm-y Strife (0:35:43)

Ricky mocks Karl again. He breaks some difficult news to Steve - Shed Seven have split up. Ricky read about this on a dorky messageboard. "You are joking" response. Karl has read about some Knob News where a Russian man was urinating and electrocuted his penis "somehow". Karl stops and starts his story as Ricky is doing his head in, while Ricky continues to bring up Mondays off. The man's doctor amputates the appendage, but put a new penis on the man's arm. Ricky questions the validity of the story (which apparently did happen). Karl would prefer it on the back but Ricky says that it'd be good for hitchhiking, and that if he lost his penis then he'd be a woman.

8. Sounds? Shit (0:41:08)

Time for the revamped Rockbusters, with sound effects - That Film Sounds Good. He plays his example of "Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy, featuring the sounds of a dog getting beaten up. This time however, the answer will be a film. The sounds of a happy man eating a woman fills the airwaves. Ricky says that it's a rubbish clue; Steve agrees but says that the prizes aren't good anyway, two VHSs and some arbitrary CDs. The competition has brought the show down, Steve says.

9. Eskimo-bile Phones and Fags Please (0:45:18)

Karl was made to answer lots of phone calls in the break. This irritated him, as did Ricky. Steve says that Ricky should focus on more injustice than Karl at Xfm but Ricky disagrees. Karl is now on a 3, happiness wise. Steve briefly mentions the war, which sends Ricky off on a rant about how bombs go off, like tinned food. Ricky and Steve say that they'd bomb Switzerland as "they've had it easy for years", Karl would bomb Ricky's house, Steve would also bomb Iceland or pour a big flask of hot water on them. Steve wonders why anyone would bother being an Eskimo; Ricky says that they should be given "beer and fags". They have loads of Mastermind reruns and Pingu. Steve invites emails with regards to the bombing question. Ricky again has a go at Karl. "What's going on with yourself?" Karl is tired of it.

10. Tall Tales (0:51:07)

Karl has climbed back up to a 5 now, as he has calmed down a bit. Steve hopes they can steal ideas off Adam and Joe. Joe claimed to Ricky that being 6 foot 7 is nearly a disability. Lankyman agrees as there are certain things he can't do due to his height: go in small cars, get shoes and chairs, go through small doors, deal with aeroplane seats etc. There's no benefits other than reaching things on shelves, says Steve. Ricky gets annoyed himself when obese people are allowed to bring on the same luggage as him. Steve says that that is their choice, but he didn't choose to be tall, and then says that he would have liked to have lived near a pylon as a depressed child, presumably he was 6 foot plus then. Karl says that Mr and Mrs Merchant should have bandaged him up. Steve says that he was 6 foot 5 at the age of 15, which made him a target in P.E. lessons, especially as he wore a bow tie to impress the girls at the time. Ricky says that height isn't a disability, and compares Steve's weird stares that he attracts to the ones he gets from being on TV. Steve says that, again, that was Ricky's choice, to be on the telly. Karl says that the stares are different anyway; Ricky's are more "Ooh it's him", whereas Steve's are "Jesus..." which prompts Steve to say that he will stop being a mediator in the Gervais/Pilkington War.

11. Old Monkey Home (0:58:15)

Ricky blasts Karl once again. Karl says that Ricky shouldn't wind him up, or else he won't get the best out of him. Karl doesn't have much Monkey News, except for a chimp that escaped from an old people's home, the owners of which didn't realise that it was simian until they realise their banana stock was down. The answer to the competition was "Gladiator" (glad he ate her). Ricky hates it and says that it isn't worth Karl's fee for the show, especially when Steve says that it was first heard on Christian O'Connell's show. Steve says goodbye as the sounds of Ricky shouting "Pathetic!" at Karl can be heard in the background.

Quotes

Steve: Already a shambles!

Ricky: Karl the user Pilkingtoooonnn. Just takes, takes, takes. Over to you Steeeeeeeve.

Steve: Karl, it's questionnaire about happiness.
Karl: Oh yeah.

Karl: I'm happy when I'm not fed up.

Ricky: Conning the management baby, sending the station spiraling down into the depths because of his greeeeed...and selfishness".

Ricky: I don't like injustice in the world; I try and fight it wherever I can.
Steve: It's interesting though that you're passionate about fighting injustice, but you focus specifically on Karl at Xfm, one of the world's lesser crimes.

Ricky: Its pointless this show....we dont do it for the money- we dont do this for the kodus.. I dont know why we do it? Is there anything on telly at this time? I could have had a lie-in....

Playlist

Thin Lizzy - The Boys Are Back in Town
Nickelback - Someday
Outkast - Hey Ya
REM - What's The Frequency Kenneth
Starsailor - Born Again
Billy Bragg - The Price I Pay
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Fortune Faded
Rainbow - Since You Been Gone
The Thrills - Big Sur
Sugar - If I Can't Change Your Mind
50 Cent - P.I.M.P
Josh Rouse - 1972
Joe Jackson - Different for Girls
Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes

External Links

• Sun article about Lana Allen
• Telegraph article about man who grows knob on arm
• More info on this episode from Xfm.co.uk