Tape 3 Side B/Transcript

This is a transcript of Tape 3 Side B, from Xfm Series 0.

We Don't Live in Ricky World

Ricky: I actually wee'd in one of the back of the speakers.

Steve: Did you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But it's mine, I've gotta get that fixed,

Steve: Mhmm, mhmm.

Ricky: And then uh, you know...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I thought of something.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: When the electrician comes round to fix my stereo, they go "What happened to it?" I said "I pissed on it in the shop and that's why it's mine" he went "Oh, fair dues, yeah. Well done." and he goes "Right, that's 40 quid." As I hand over the money, just a little dribble, it's mine again.

Steve: That cash is yours.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Fantastic.

Ricky: Yeah! Oh, it's so easy.

Steve: You'll never have to pay another penny.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: It's a shame we don't live in Ricky world!

Ricky: (laughs)

Song: Manic Street Preachers - If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next

The Spider And The Horse

Ricky: The Manic Street Preachers on XFM 104.9 and that's If You Tolerate This Then Your Kids Are Gonna Get It Too. Um, The Spider and the Horse, d'you remember that?

Steve: Oh that's it, it's great. Yeah. I don't even wanna go into it.

Ricky: No. No, we had this idea last week right, for a Czechoslovakian sort of short, right-

Steve: Czechoslovakian animation.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah with (voices discordant soundtrack).

Steve: That'll be the music, obviously.

Ricky: Yeah it's called The Spider and the Horse and it's obviously a satire against the government and the bloke, quite right, he's been put in jail for the rest of his life.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Yeah, and Jezoc coming round opening old wounds.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "They were just healing!" Right? And the horse, we established, is a wicker horse.

Steve: A little wicker horse with a little sombrero.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah.

Steve: The sort of thing you would buy if you were away in Mallorca.

Ricky: Torremolinos. And the spider is just a blacked up crab.

Steve: That's it, it's a crab playing a spider.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's a wonderful cartoon, it's called something like The Inhumanity of... the Eyes... of March.

Ricky: Yeah. The Unbearable... Deafness of... Seeing

Steve: Yeah, something like that, and um, it's made by Ivanovich... Gororovich-

Ricky: No, we're gonna make it!

Steve: Oh are we?

Ricky: Yeah we might as well do it now.

Steve: Actually, talking of ideas Gervais, we've had quite a few people just phoning in ideas for gameshows and TV things and I- we never asked for any ideas but people have just been offering them.

Ricky: No. But we like it, we'll have them, they're ours now.

Steve: Yeah. 0171580...1234, you can fax us, um-

Ricky: Just to get this straight, any money made out of this is just mine.

Steve: That's right.

Ricky: Yeah. Go on.

Steve: This is from Nigel in Tottenham, he's come up with a great idea,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You get loads of blindfolded- a panel of blindfolded contestants, I'm thinking who would you have there, Gervais?

Ricky: What, contestants?

Steve: Yeah, blindfolded- you know, your sort of celebrity panel.

Ricky: Oh, they've gotta be celebrities, have they?

Steve: I think so.

Ricky: Um, Ted Moultson.

Steve: Ted Moultson, obviously.

Ricky: Uh, Jilly Cooper.

Steve: Jilly Cooper, yeah.

Ricky: Uh... maybe Joe Bugner.

Steve: (laughs) I thought it was gonna be Henry Cooper, but-

Ricky: Well it could be but that's not fair, isn't it, cos I mean he did beat him, he beat him by like you know, 3 quarters of a point, so he was the heavyweight champ.

Steve: Wouldn't it be great if it was like um, if it was the bloke that used to play René in 'Allo 'Allo,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right, it's Sue Pollard, and then it's Muhammad Ali.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: That'd be incredible. Like Muhammad obviously now can't talk that well, because of the Parkinson's or whatever, so he'd just be there, (grunts).

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It'd be brilliant, that'd be great.

Ricky: Well Sue Pollard's a really interesting... person.

Steve: So- (laughs) so anyway, you've got your panel of contestants and you bring on a celebrity,

Ricky: Yeah. Who's idea is this, Nigel in...?

Steve: This is Nigel in Tottenham.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So you've got your blindfolded panel there,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: A celebrity comes on, maybe, Nigel Suggests, Jeremy Beadle,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right? And they have to have their most deformed body part,

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: Sucked by the panel of celebrities. Now obviously I assume in the case of Beadle, that's his weird, deformed, child-like hand.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And so they would suck that until, um-

Ricky: Or his goatee.

Steve: (laughing) Or his goatee. And then they have to sort of suck Jeremy-

Ricky: Or his breasts!

Steve: They have to suck Jeremy until they've identified him.

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: You know, and then they win a prize.

Ricky: Oh, that'd be great. Ohh, cos it'd be like a little doll's hand down the back of your throat.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I imagine he doesn't... oh no, he's probably perfectly manicured that side, the other one's a mess though.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He can't do that one.

Steve: So um, that's an idea- any other deformed celebrities, I'm trying to think if there are any others. I've got a feeling it might be Beadle every week.

Ricky: (laughs) No...

Steve: "Is it um..." "Muhammad Ali, who is it?" "(mumbles)"

Ricky: No! Don't diss Muhammad Ali, man.

Steve: Well, he's-

Ricky: No, I won't have that. I won't have- no, I won't have that.

Steve: Anyway-

Ricky: Ali's my man.

Steve: Anyway, um...

Ricky: Other deformed- I dunno.... Stephen Hawking?

Steve: (laughs) He's not deformed! Um...

Ricky: Not compared to you, no.

Steve: Michael Jackson?

Ricky: Now that's- this is libellous.

Steve: Is it?

Ricky: It's got to be.

Steve: Who's deformed?

Ricky: "Who's deformed?"... um-

Steve: Which celebrities are deformed? Def- a list of deformed celebrities-

Ricky: 01715802000.

Tip The Balance

Ricky: Um, what else have we done, we've done funny phonecalls, haven't we?

Steve: We've done some funny phonecalls, yeah.

Ricky: Did that one like Penky, when we phoned up Safeway and said "Have you got some cheese?" and they said "Yes." We showed them didn't we?

Steve: That showed them.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We've done some crank- crazy crank calls.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Uh, who- "Do you want some beer?"

Ricky: "Do you want some beer"

Steve: Brilliant game.

Ricky: 5 o'clock foreigner.

Steve: 5 o'clock foreigner.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Umm, ooh, what else have we done? There's been just to much, hasn't there?

Ricky: The alarm frog.

Steve: The alarm frog.

Ricky: That never got off the ground.

Steve: That never got going.

Ricky: Umm...

Steve: Got some great ideas.

Ricky: Tip the Balance, that's the last one I've got.

Steve: "Tip the Balance"? You haven't explained it.

Ricky: It's my last- I think it's a little bit in bad taste.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Oh, well I don't want that on this show.

Ricky: (laughing) No, no, I mean I think it's a little bit... much.

Steve: Really, is it too much,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Is it the most outrageous thing you've ever-

Ricky: Well okay, look, this is an idea, right,

Steve: It's a board game?

Ricky: It's a board game, I'm gonna send it off to Waddingtons when uh, I get, you know. It's four simple weights, just like fulcrum weights, you know like scales,

Steve: Like a little see-saw?

Ricky: Yeah a little see-saw, and there's one end is like a bowl, right, the other end is a kilogram weight.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And there's four of those, so four of you sit round, and you've gotta quite simply, "Tip the Balance", right?

Steve: So you've gotta fill the bowl,

Ricky: Fill the bowl, yeah.

Steve: What with rice or-

Ricky: No no,

Steve: Household objects?

Ricky: No, uhh, bodily secretions.

Steve: ...Right.

Ricky: So it's the first, you know.

Steve: Maybe you shouldn't tell us about this.

Ricky: Well no, cos there's simple rules. Anything that comes out your body is alright, okay, in every form.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: (quietly) Well you know, there's-

Steve: Anything that comes out your body, you put that into the bowl,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And sort of... tip the balance.

Ricky: So uh... I was just thinking if I said it quieter, it wasn't so bad, I was gonna go "Well there's piss, and there's-" D'you know what I mean? It doesn't work, right? Snot. Um... Sick. Uh... C-

Steve: Spunk.

Ricky: Well I was gonna say "come" because then I could have been spelling it 'C-O-M-E', therefore, getting by some of the radio authority rules rather sneakily. And "spunk" as you said is like courage, isn't it?

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Like on the Waltons they go, "Ohh, I love your new girlfriend John Boy, she's full of spunk."

Steve: (laughing) Exactly.

Ricky: "Sorry about that, I've been carried away, dad!"

Steve: "Goodnight, John Boy. John Boy! Goodnight."

Ricky: Don't- don't! Right, here's The Cure, we'll come back to this.

Song: The Cure - Charlotte Sometimes

Ricky: Twenty to six, Ricky Gervais, Ricky Gervais Show,

Steve: And um-

Ricky: Steve.

Steve: What have we offered today, well we've offered "Tip the Balance", the new board game from Waddingtons,

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: Which involves secreting various bodily fluids into a bowl in order to tip the balance.

Ricky: Yeah and all you do, you go, "Tip the balance!" I just imagine the front cover with sort of granny, she's stooped. Yeah she's just-

Steve: She's- no she's got trousers down,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And all-

Ricky: She's missed it!

Steve: She's missed it.

Ricky: She's missed it completely, they're all laughing-

Steve: The family are there behind aren't they, clapping and cheering.

Ricky: The mother just laughing doing a dustman's blow.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right, and the 14 year old boy, he's- well, he's got- well right-

Steve: Well, he's enjoyed it the most, let's be honest.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: Um, but what about if, you know that Bingo, is the most popular evening pastime in the country and there are these huge Bingo palaces.

Ricky: Yeah, that's because they haven't tipped the balance.

Steve: Thousands of seats, imagine if they were all playing Tip the Balance.

Ricky: (laughs) It'd be great- the smell!

Steve: Oh it'd be incredible.

Ricky: Oh God.

Steve: That'd be fantastic.

Ricky: That'd be great, you could have winner stays on, cos you'd have a disadvantage then, wouldn't you? "Well I've just..." know what I mean?

Steve: I imagine in Japan they've already got a TV show like that, I'd imagine.

Ricky: A kilogram's a lot though to get rid of.

Steve: Yeah you've gotta have a lot of sputum.

Ricky: I know, everything. Yeah.

Steve: But I think it's a great idea, can you... could you give birth into the bowl.

Ricky: Uh ye- well, no. Well you could but anything you put in there you lose.

Steve: Oh right.

Ricky: So you'd have people ins- yeah. Like you can't- you could like, you could bleed into it and amputate into it but you can't have it back. Like you couldn't put a false limb in.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Cos that's sort of cheating. Uh, but there is a thing called the 'Fish Card', where if you're all out of it, you're all "Ugh" strained out, you've vomited, you've snotted, and that's it and everyone's got like, you know, 0.8 kilograms in theirs, you can go, "Fish card!" right, and you can take someone else's bowl and pour it into yours, but you gotta pour it via your mouth.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: So you take a big glug of that, *ptoo* and you win.

Steve: You've thought this through, haven't you?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: You've played this haven't you?

Ricky: No, I haven't played it, I haven't played it, I haven't got the uh, the equipment.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Well, nearly end of the uh... the nearly of, the show... with it. Innit?

Steve: I can't even be bothered to criticise your use of-

Ricky: It's not worth it is it?

Steve: Your use of language any more.

Ricky: I know yeah.

Steve: It's so late in the day, if you're not gonna master it at the age of what, 45 or however old you are.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: You know I mentioned umm, I guess we could call it "Freak show" or something like that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Where celebrities with deformities come on-

Ricky: That was Nigel's from... Tottenham.

Steve: Nigel in Tottenham came up the idea.

Ricky: Suck the most deformed- what would you put forward as your most deformed bit?

Steve: Well luckily, sucking my most deformed bit would be curiously enjoyable for me.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: So um, anyway I asked for a few more celebrities who have got deformities and various people have called in, uh Jez in East Barnet has mentioned John Thaw-

Ricky: What's up with him?

Steve: Well John's left leg I think is shorter than his right, he always sort of hobbles a bit as he walks.

Ricky: You'd have to suck the whole of the left leg?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: So that's-

Ricky: "Say that again Lewis." "Well I was just saying, Sarge, that like, the fat bird in the opera-" "Yes, I know who it is now!" "What, cos I said-" "No, nothing to do with it, I just saw him do it, I just forgot when I was pissed." Yeah go on.

Steve: Uh Paul Daniels, apparently one arm is shorter than the other.

Ricky: Um, uh, can I just say, the head?

Steve: (laughs) True enough. Yeah, Debbie McGee could come on and just bring Paul,

Ricky: (laughs) Yeah, yeah.

Steve: As her deformed-

Ricky: Under her arm.

Steve: Object, yeah. Um, that's from Tony in Amersham. Um, we've also had Ian Dury, someone's mentioned that, it says that Ian Dury had-

Ricky: His left side. Yeah.

Steve: Really, did he have a stroke or something? Polio.

Ricky: Polio wasn't it? Yeah.

Steve: So his left side. And Anthea Turner, apparently she lost the middle three of her toes or something, in a horrible accident, I don't know if that's true. Anyway Anthea Turner, it'd be great, just get her on anyway.

Ricky: She lost... hold on, what? Let me he have a look-

Steve: I don't think it's- can be true to be honest, it says that she's only got two toes on one of her feet because she lost the other three in a Flymo accident.

Ricky: Oh my God.

Steve: I don't know whether that's true.

Ricky: So when you used to go to school and said to someone- "Ooh, had a fight with a lawnmower?"

Steve: Yeah, she did.

Ricky: Yeah. "No, I meant your hair, love." "No, look at me toes." "Ugh! Uggh!"

Steve: (laughs) Yeah, exactly. So yeah, celebrities-

Ricky: What would you suck, would you suck the gap or would you suck the toes that flew off in the garden?

Steve: I really haven't thought about it.

Ricky: (laughs) Well why not?

Steve: I haven't really given it much thought Rick, to be honest.

Ricky: (laughs) Oh, I've just got time for one more song, then the news, oh how am I gonna do this with only one computer- uh, if we've got any news! Remember last week? Phones up, "Oh there's no news!"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "Oh sorry, there's no news!" No news... there must be news, some news, mustn't there?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Give us last week's, anything.

Steve: Anything'll do.

Ricky: You usually do. Um right, here's Lloyd Cole and Are You Ready To Be Heartbroken?. I've got Sandie Shaw's version of this.

Steve: ...Cheers.

Ricky: That's not interesting, is it?

Steve: No, not in he slightest.

Ricky: Hahaa!

Song: Lloyd Cole - Are You Ready To Be Heartbroken?

The End

Ricky: That's it, then.

Steve: Sorry, I-

Ricky: Put your headphones on.

Steve: Sorry I- not paying attention.

Ricky: Look he's got a toilet roll holding down the microphone cos it's broken, it fling- I've got- I've been working on one computer, I just- ugh...

Steve: The whole show's been a debacle.

Ricky: Yeah. You know why, because- you know why? Because we're no good and we don't plan anything, and that's gotta be stopped!

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: D'you know what I mean?

Steve: Someone should stamp that out!

Ricky: I'm getting sick of it!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: D'you think I like just turning up, often inebriated with nothing to say, abusing people, breaking- d'you think I like that?

Steve: No.

Ricky: No.

Steve: I know.

Ricky: Well I'm- I'm gonna play Bob Dylan, It's All Over-

Steve: Well at the same time Rick,

Ricky: What?

Steve: In our defence,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um-

Ricky: We don't care.

Steve: Not only that, you know, we're not-

Ricky: We're getting paid for it.

Steve: We're not- we're not monkeys, alright?

Ricky: No.

Steve: We're not performing monkeys.

Ricky: No.

Steve: If people need us to entertain them, then they ought to take a closer look at themselves, I think.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright, we're ju- you know, we've got better things to do with ourselves than have a natter on the radio trying to entertain people.

Ricky: You've got lots of things- better things to do with yourself, and you often do while I'm trying to present, which is what puts me off more than anything, and that'll never tip the balance.

Steve: What-

Ricky: You know what I mean, you need some- you need a lot more... what?

Steve: No, I was just thinking I thought had something to say but I haven't.

Ricky: Who's um, Snowden's guests?

Emma: ...Matt from Gene,

Ricky: Oh Matt from Gene, excellent, I like Gene, and who else, and- is uh... what's his name-

Emma: Pete from 3 Colours Red.

Ricky: Pete from 3 Colours Red, brilliant, excellent, okay we better get out of here.

Steve: Yeah, we could.

Ricky: Um, Bob Dylan, It's All Over Now-

Steve: Thank God.

Ricky: Baby Blue. Alright then.

Steve: Alright, see you soon.

Ricky: Cheers.

Steve: Bye.

Song: Bob Dylan - It's All Over Now, Baby Blue

He's a Freak

Anne: It's Hole, the track is Celebrity Skin. Ricky Gervais...

Ricky: Hiya.

Anne: It's a joy.

Ricky: It's fantastic to be back, see if we can boost those ratings for another hour.

Anne: Yeah... now listen, you've brought a ginger wig with you this evening, as I say I'm not entirely certain what part of anatomy it's for...

Ricky: Uh well, it's not for my cock!

Anne: (laughs)

Ricky: No, we're gonna be playing a sort of like uh-

Anne: Oh, charming!

Ricky: Wh... John Peel can say the 'F' word!

Anne: ...That's entirely subjective, that's the name of a band, Ricky!

Ricky: Oh right, so if I go out tonight and see a band called... "Suck a Dog's Cock", I can rave about that? Just cos he's a grown up, he can say the 'F' word, she says "You can't say it" why can't- he can say it-

Anne: Look, shut it,

Ricky: Anyway it's great to be here.

Anne: You're here to play radio gameshows!

Ricky: Okay it's great to be here,

Anne: And that's what we're gonna do.

Ricky: King of the gameshow, we played Who Wants to Be a Millionaire last time, didn't we?

Anne: We did, it was great.

Ricky: No one won the million.

Anne: They won a BBC pen though, we gave three BBC pens away-

Ricky: Yeah, I actually meant on the game... show... on television...

Anne: Oh, right.

Ricky: Keep up, Anne Hobbs. Um, but I- we're gonna play sort of a version of Blind Date, I got my mate in, as you can see, he's not the best looking bloke in the world.

Anne: (laughs)

Steve: Am I on now?

Ricky: Shut up a minute, don't embarrass me.

Steve: ...Alright.

Ricky: Okay, um, I'll just describe him to you, if you wanna- he can't get a girlfriend for obvious reasons, he's 6'7", he's sort of got a puce sort of translucent skin about him, he's got bulgy eyes, on the s- he's hideous. You're a freak. He's an ugly man.

Steve: Don't price me outside the market!

Ricky: No, but we're gonna see if we can get our national platform to get him a woman stupid- uh, lucky enough to maybe- I've got my idea for a-

Anne: Does he have a name, Ricky?

Ricky: Steve.

Anne: Steve, okay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Anne: Steve, is it alright to ask you a couple of questions just to get the girls kind of, you know...

Steve: Who's she?

Ricky: Juiced up- Oh that's uh, Anne Hobbs.

Steve: Alan Hobbs?

Anne: Yeah...

Ricky: ANNE Hobbs.

Steve: Don't know... don't recognise her...

Anne: Okay. Steve um, how big's-

Ricky: She's in all the magazines, all the-

Anne: S- Steve-

Steve: Don't recognise her. What magazines, I've got stacks of magazines, I don't- I've never seen that-

Anne: STEVE!!

Ricky: You wouldn't in those, no.

Steve: Have you- I dunno though actually, in this light, have you ever been on the back of any sort of Portuguese playing cards?

Ricky: (sniggers) That's her. That's her.

Anne: On the back of a bus I've been, many times, but not Portuguese playing cards.

Steve: Oh I recognise her now.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Anne: Steve I need to ask you a few questions as I say, because we need to sort of ginger the girls up, the listeners, you know.

Steve: Do what, sorry?

Ricky: What's that mean?

Anne: Ginger 'em up, it means-

Ricky: You filthy-

Steve: Ginger 'em up? This is disgusting.

Ricky: You got John Peel saying the 'F' word and getting away with it cos he's been in radio a few years, you got her playing things going "You bastard!"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Then she's saying "Gingering you up", that's gotta be illegal for a start.

Steve: Oh, she's smoking something.

Anne: Steve!

Ricky: What is it?

Steve: It's crack, isn't it?

Anne: The girls need to know-

Ricky: It's not crack, it's a big joint, it's a joint, she doesn't smoke crack.

Anne: A couple of things; what's your star sign?

Steve: Eh?

Anne: What's your star sign?

Steve: What does that mean?

Anne: Come on, it's important.

Ricky: When were you born, when were you born? What month?

Steve: Um, November.

Ricky: Yeah.

Anne: What is he, Sagittarius? Ohh, I dunno. How big's your appendage?

Steve: ...My what?

Ricky: She's getting so dirty.

Steve: This is just disgusting.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: I didn't come here to be insulted with this kind of filth.

Anne: Come on!

Ricky: You could get that anywhere, can't you?

Steve: I've got things to be doing Gervais, d'you know what I mean?

Ricky: She's the best they've got now, now they've lost Edmonds and Saville. What's happened to Jimmy Saville, now he was good.

Steve: Oh, he's beautiful.

Ricky: He loved the kids.

Steve: He loves 'em!

Ricky: I think he still does love children.

Steve: I've seen pictures, he loves children.

Ricky: I know, yeah. What's happened to Jimmy Saville-

Anne: Ricky we're not doing a really- a particularly good job at tantalising the female listeners here.

Ricky: Okay right, he's ugly, he's pig ugly, he's gimp, he's embarrassing to be with, he's- um, so what's the number? Give out the number.

Anne: 0500110100, that's the number you need if you want a blind date with Ricky Gervais' um... desperate mate tonight.

Ricky: Yeah.

Anne: Yeah. A merciful act I think, for any woman-

Ricky: Can I just tell you about my idea for- my own particular lovely gameshow to go on telly, it's got a big star in it,

Anne: Alright.

Ricky: Uh, it's called Celebrity Foxy Boxing.

Anne: (laughs)

Ricky: It's not scantily clad women, it's um, celebrities beating up Dr. Fox for charity.

Anne: Waheyyy!

Ricky: Just in the middle of a link, you get the Krankies coming in to kick the shit out of him.

Anne: (laughs) 0500110100, that's the number you need if you'd like to um, well if you'd like a blind date with Ricky Gervais' best mate.

Blind Date With Steve

Anne: It's Hobbs and Gervais this evening and we're playing Blind Date with Steve, aren't we?

Ricky: Gervais and Hobbs. Gervais and Hobbs, really. Uh, Well I suppose we better ask Steve what sort of woman he's looking for.

Anne: Yeah.

Ricky: I really must- I can't stress enough that he really is- I've seen women laugh when I've introduced him to them, and some sort of like, get a bit scared, he is hideous looking, I wanna let people know that so there's no con involved, he's a... ugh. Salamander. What sort of woman are you looking for, Steve?

Steve: Eh?

Ricky: What sort of woman are you-

Steve: I don't need all this like, you know, all this stick.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Coming here, Hobbs is starting it as well.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: In between records, gabbling away.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: D'you know what I mean, I don't mind, but it's just-

Ricky: Well, come on, get on with it, what sort of woman are you-

Steve: Kind of woman? Celebrity women. Famous women.

Ricky: Like who?

Steve: Oh, I dunno. Louise Woodward?

Ricky: Louise Woodward.

Steve: She's a good looking girl.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: She's a good looking lady.

Ricky: ...Yeah. I see your thinking there, you're thinking that all that trouble with the uh, you know... child killing.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That uh, there won't be a lot of uh, people in the queue.

Steve: I reckon I can jump to the top.

Anne: On the contrary, I think aiming a bit high there, to be honest.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: What you talking about?

Anne: Yeah.

Anne: You're aiming a little bit high, we're not thinking celebrity here are we, we're thinking about the average Radio 1 listener that might appeal to you.

Steve: I dunno, it's gotta be a celeb really. Mo Mowlam.

Anne: Mo Mowlam?

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: Oh, good looking girl, she's a good looking lady.

Anne: You like her headband, do you?

Ricky: W- it's funny you should say that, I saw her on the telly and she had like a little bit of lip gloss and big earrings and that big headband and she looked like Simon Le Bon.

Steve: Oh, he's a good looking fella. Duran Duran, a classic band.

Ricky: Actually... Louise Woodward looks a bit like uh, Simon Le Bon, you like women who look like the lead singer of Duran Duran?

Steve: I'd rather that than women that look like the lead singer out of ZZ Top.

Anne: Mm.

Ricky: So Anne Hobbs is out the question.

Steve: She's out of it, she's out of it altogether. Look at Anne Hobbs now.

Anne: Must be the beard, yeah.

Steve: What is that, what is she wearing?

Ricky: (laughing) I don't know!

Steve: What is that, a smock?

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: When was that fashionable? She takes- look at Anne Hobbs, she takes fashion tips from Last of the Summer Wine.

Ricky: I know, and all the haze of smoke.

Anne: But what's wrong with that, I mean that's a wonderful program.

Steve: Yeah.

Anne: You can't-

Steve: Yeah but not Bill Owen.

Ricky: Yeah, she's no Louise Woodward, is she?

Steve: Yeah, ah Louise, ahh. I mean she's- Louise Woodward's pudgy, but it's just baby fat.

Anne: She's got a beautiful, beautiful hairstyle though, hasn't she?

Ricky: (laughing) "Baby fat!"

Steve: Baby fat?

Ricky: It's not "baby fat" that's a freudian slip, it's "puppy fat".

Steve: What did I say?

Ricky: You said "baby fat"!

Steve: Puppy fat?

Ricky: That's the phrase.

Anne: No, she's gorgeous! What are you talking about, she was completely remodelled.

Steve: She didn't kill any puppies.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: If Louise Woodward's been touching puppies, I'm not interested. I'll be honest, forget it.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: I'm not going out with a puppy killer, that's just sick!

Anne: You're not going out with anybody other than the standard Radio 1 listener this evening,

Ricky: Ohh God.

Anne: Because that's all we have to offer you, what can I say?

Steve: Oh alright.

Ricky: Okay.

Anne: We cannot lay out celebrities on a silver platter for you that's completely insane.

Ricky: Well, he's looking for anyone who's stupid enough to 1) call up and B) fall for it and C) go out with him and D), D's out of the question, he's never got to D yet.

Anne: Yeah, it is, yeah but listen we've got a prize here, Skegness river boat trip, chicken in a basket, it's boss.

Steve: No, I can't afford that, it'll be wine- no-

Anne: No no, it's free to the winner and you, that's your date.

Steve: That's not bad, I thought it was gonna be wine and dine 'em, 25 quid.

Ricky: (laughing) You can't pay 25 quid to someone to go out with you.

Steve: What, 50?

Ricky: 50 will be better, yeah.

Anne: 50 will be alright, yeah. Right, okay one more record and then we'll stick a caller on, 0500110100 if you feel that you can contend with these sick men and they are sick and if they've said anything to offend you, I retract it immediately.

He Looks Good From The Back

Anne: Yeah.

Ricky: Mel B.

Anne: Ricky Gervais is with us, his mate Steve is absolutely desperate,

Ricky: Look at him, panting.

Anne: DESPERATE for a date.

Ricky: Ohh.

Anne: And happily we've got Laura on the phone from Worcester.

Laura: Hello!

Anne: Laura, you've not been put off by all this kinda chat about you know, the aesthetics here?

Laura: No no, not at all mate you know, you just go out for a laugh don't you?

Ricky: Yeah, well, the good thing is we know you can't have any standards or you wouldn't be listening to Anne Hobbs, really. So that's-

Laura: Oh, what d'you mean?

Ricky: That's a plus, innit? Oh- where you from, Worcester?

Laura: Yeah, I'm from Worcester

Ricky: That's- I only know one thing about Worcester it's that sauce, isn't it?

Laura: Yeah that's right

Ricky: And it tastes nothing like Worcester, does it?

Laura: Well I wouldn't know, I haven't tasted it myself yet.

Ricky: Whereas Daddies sauce, that's a dead ringer.

Laura: Oh yeah, I have plenty of Daddies sauce but not Worcester sauce.

Ricky: Hey steady there, we better stop it there, right, I got a couple of questions for you to see if you're eligible for Steve.

Laura: Alright then.

Ricky: Okay, to start off, you've got a bit of a-

Anne: Hang on a sec, Ricky did you- you penned these questions, I thought this was Steve's gig.

Ricky: Well, I'm looking out for him, because he can get hurt out there. It's a- look at him. Look at him, as if he can look after himself- what do you think of him, serious Anne Hobbs, you can see him, they can't. Do you think he's a good looking fella?

Anne: ...

Steve: ...Come on then Anne Hobbs, oh yeah yeah, it's all lots of this, it's all lots of gibbly gabbly gobbly isn't it, she's talking all the time, but suddenly it's-

Ricky: Yeah, you like a bit of "gibbly gobbly"

Steve: Well,

Ricky: You should be so lucky to get any "gabbly gobbly" mate.

Steve: Let's not start on that, Rick.

Ricky: So what do you think of him?

Anne: Laura, he looks good from the back, love.

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: Oh here she is!

Ricky: Do you still do that one, do you?

Steve: Here she is, here's the old Alan Hobbs here just nattering away.

Ricky: Yeah who are you to talk to Steve like that?

Steve: What's going on here?

Ricky: I dunno.

Steve: I didn't come here to be insulted, what kind of woman's this?

Ricky: You can go anywhere, can't you? Right, um-

Anne: Ricky, questions, come on.

Steve: I'd take that off that Chris Moyles, he's hilarious, he's a zany bloke, he's mad.

Laura: I like Chris, leave him alone.

Steve: He's mad, isn't he?

Ricky: Yeah, he is, yeah.

Steve: But not this Alan Hobbs.

Ricky: "Alan- Alan Hobbs"! Right, Laura,

Laura: Yeah?

Ricky: From Worcester. Have you got a bit of a West country accent as well haven't you?

Laura: No.

Ricky: Haven't ya- oh I-

Steve: Just get on with it Rick, God's sake.

Ricky: Okay, what's your favourite band?

Laura: My favourite band?

Ricky: Yeah.

Laura: Uh, I like a bit of Radiohead and like the Verve,

Steve: (sings in West country accent) My iron lung!

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: My iron lung!

Ricky: You- no, you hate Radiohead Steve.

Steve: What you talking about, I know it all!

Ricky: You hate- you told me you hated Radiohead!

Steve: I love- I know all the songs, I know all the lyrics.

Anne: What is that "I hate Radiohead" t-shirt you're wearing?

Steve: No it's rub- shut up Ann Hobbs, here she comes, look at it! She's got it in for me, Alan Hobbs, here.

Ricky: I know, yeah.

Steve: This is outrageous.

Ricky: Well she's uh,

Anne: Let's try another question, come on.

Steve: Let me ask, let me ask-

Ricky: If you're not careful Anne Hobbs, they'll push you to after midnight.

Steve: Let me ask a question here alright, no, seriously, uh what's your name?

Laura: Laura.

Ricky: Alan Hobbs.

Steve: Shut up. Laura.

Ricky: Oh Laura, yeah.

Steve: Do you like um... Aswad?

Ricky: (sniggers)

Laura: Aswad?

Steve: Aswad.

Anne: (laughs)

Laura: Uh... I don't think I was uh, I don't think I was around when they were around.

Ricky: 'Course she doesn't like Aswad.

Steve: Well... g- good. No, excellent.

Ricky: You love Aswad.

Steve: Shut up!

Ricky: You hate Radiohead, you love-

Steve: I've never heard any of their songs, I don't know any of their songs.

Ricky: Okay, you've got one more question.

Laura: Go on then.

Steve: Alright, I'll ask a question then um, what's your name?

Ricky: Laura.

Steve: Yeah. It's simple things like that I need to master, isn't it?

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah.

Anne: Write it down.

Steve: Um, do you ever- do you like those people Nora, who like torture monkeys-

Laura: Laura, not Nora.

Steve: Whatever. I'm back to Last of the Summer Wine again. Ahh, Nora Batty.

Ricky: Ah, yeah.

Steve: No listen.

Ricky: Like Mo Mowlam with tights.

Steve: Shut up! I gotta ask this girl a question,

Ricky: She loved those tights.

Steve: she might be my prospective wife, who knows.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right now listen Laura,

Laura: What?

Steve: Do you like those people who like torture monkeys you know, and do experiments on rabbits and like kill pandas for fun?

Anne: No! She's an anti-vivisectionist I can hear it in her voice.

Laura: No I don't like that, that's sick that is.

Steve: You don't like any of that?

Laura: No!

Ricky: See?

Steve: No alright, nor do I.

Ricky: S- no, sorry, I don't think you're matched Laura. I'm sorry about that, we'll send you a-

Steve: No seriously Rick, she'll be alright.

Ricky: Can we send her a Blue Peter pen?

Laura: Can I?

Anne: We can send her a BBC pen.

Laura: I'll have one of those, yeah I've always wanted that.

Steve: She'll do, Rick.

Anne: Laura stay on the line, we'll get- are you really gonna blow this girl out, she sounds like a dream to me, Ricky.

Ricky: I'm sorry? No, I don't even know her, 'course I'm not gonna "blow her out".

Anne: (groans)

Steve: Rick I'll do- this one'll do.

Ricky: No you can't.

Steve: No she'll do.

Ricky: She can't.

Steve: It's fine!

Sorry, Charlie

Anne: Astonishing as it may seem, we actually have another contestant on the phone, can you believe it?

Ricky: Who's this then, who's this?

Anne: This is Charlie in Oxford

Charlie: Hello!

Ricky: Don't do it. Don't do it. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Charlie: (laughs)

Ricky: Honestly, I wish I could send you a photograph or fax you. I'm not exaggerating, this isn't a joke, he is hideous.

Charlie: It can't be that bad can it, really?

Ricky: Well they always say that, they always say that and then they scream and then they start crying and I'm up to theirs saying "I'm really sorry, I did warn you." So I'm just-

Charlie: Okay.

Ricky: Okay. Um-

Anne: Charlie where are you calling from, you sound like you're in a pothole.

Charlie: No we're in Oxford Brooks Uni, N block. N block! (loud cheering from other students)

Ricky: Oh, N block? Yeah.

Anne: Yeahh, the legendary N block, eh?

Steve: Not Oxford students.

Ricky: Is that for people that are bad at the real Oxford? You get put in in N block.

Charlie: Yeah, we're the bad ones, yeah. (student says something)

Ricky: What'd he say?

Charlie: We're stupid, mate.

Steve: Hilarious, brilliant. Yeah, well done, student union, I'm not going out with a student, Rick.

Ricky: Oh come on, go out with a student.

Steve: I'm not touching a student with a barge pole!

Ricky: You never have, no.

Steve: But students-

Anne: Think of all the cheap cider! What are you talking about?

Steve: What am I gonna say to a student? They don't know anything about anything.

Ricky: Oh, dear. Right, I'll ask her some questions.

Anne: Come on, Ricky.

Steve: Well hang on, let me ask- are you still there?

Charlie: We're still here, yeah.

Steve: Wha- what d'you mean "we"?

Charlie: We-

Steve: Listen, it's not an orgy love, I dunno what you think you're after here.

Charlie: No it's just me, sorry.

Steve: Alright? It's a meal and 25 quid then you're off home!

Charlie: Alright then, sorry.

Steve: Alright? Unless you get lucky.

Charlie: Okay.

Steve: Now then, let me ask you a question.

Anne: No hang on, Ricky-

Steve: They come on the line, they're cheeky.

Ricky: Okay, right, just do her favourite band first, surely.

Steve: Alright, yeah, favourite band, what is it?

Ricky: What's your favourite band?

Charlie: My favourite band is Ash.

Ricky: Ash.

Charlie: Yeah.

Steve: Ash, what?

Ricky: You don't know anything about that have you? Do you like Aswad?

Charlie: They're alright, yeah. Not bad.

Ricky: Oh okay, right, okay. Right, ask her a question then quick.

Steve: Um, alright, what's your name?

Ricky: What's your name?

Charlie: Charlie.

Ricky: Charlie, yeah.

Steve: Ridiculous name. Um-

Charlie: Thanks!

Steve: When you go to a club, do you like, sort of dress up?

Charlie: Yeah.

Ricky: Well let me- no, let me be a bit more specific, when you go out, do you like dressing up as Steve's mother?

Charlie: No.

Steve: Right you see, you're not right for him.

Charlie: (laughs)

Ricky: You're not really matched then, are you? Right okay, this is it, let's cut through the bullshit, right, do you think looks are say, as important as personality?

Charlie: ...Well no, no, we don't think so, no.

Ricky: Right.

Charlie: Definitely not.

Ricky: Well, it doesn't matter because his personality's rubbish as well.

Charlie: Personality's gotta be much better.

Ricky: You've spoken to him, he's got no personality, he's basically a prat person. All round nasty idiot and he's ugly. So I'm gonna save you from a fate worse than death, Charlie, I'm gonna have to say no.

Charlie: Just like the blocks in my bloke really, I mean-

Ricky: Really?

Steve: The blocks in your bloke?

Ricky: Hey, now there'll be none of that!

Steve: You're tryna get clever now.

Ricky: He's tried that once, blocks in his bloke and it- can we send her a Blankety Blank chequebook and pen?

Anne: Ahh, we can, I think you're deserve a BBC pen Charlie, would you like one?

Charlie: We'd love one, thanks.

Anne: Okay.

Steve: Listen, to be honest with you Alan Hobbs, she'll do. Seriously I- you know, cos it's getting late...

Ricky: Yeah...

Steve: And you may as well. Eh, she may as well I mean what d'you think, Rick?

Ricky: No.

Steve: What?

Ricky: No, she seems really nice and it's- no. We've gotta find someone with absolutely no sta- hold on though, I just thought of something. You'll have anything, won't you?

Steve: Well...

Ricky: Anne Hobbs!

Steve: No, I've got standards.

Ricky: Right.

Anne: ...Fair play.

Anne: 0500110100, that's the number you need tonight if you want a blind date with Ricky Gervais' best mate Steve.

Song: Snoop Dogg - What's My Name?

Steve and Wayne

Anne: You like that one, don't you?

Ricky: What's my name. What's my name?

Steve: Ah... "What's my name?"...

Ricky: I'll be honest, you probably saw him grooving there.

Anne: Well I tell you what, yeah I mean that's a very very strong point in his favour I think.

Ricky: He can groove.

Anne: He can dance!

Ricky: Yeah?

Anne: You should see that wrist action.

Ricky: I- yeah I know, I've seen it.

Steve: I've had a lot of practice, I'll be honest.

Ricky and Anne laugh

Steve: Um, but listen, it's not just the grooving, Rick. Come on, Rick.

Ricky: Oh, it's so easy, innit?

Steve: It's not just the grooving.

Anne: It's- no it was a beautiful interpretation of the Snoop ears.

Ricky: Yeah.

Anne: You know, swing of the wrist.

Steve: What about- there must be some other selling points Rick, come on, cos you are selling me down the river a bit here.

Ricky: Right okay, some good points. You're young.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You're not in prison.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: ...Well I've only known you a year.

Steve: ...Come on, there must be something.

Ricky: (taps table) ...You're not in prison?

Steve: ...Well, I'm quite a catch.

Anne: ...date with Steve tonight but um...

Ricky: 40 quid, put it up to 40 quid.

Steve: I'm not made of money, Rick!

Anne: 40 quid then go on.

Ricky: 30 quid.

Anne: 9 minutes we have to do this before the news, so-

Ricky: 9 minutes is more than enough for Steve, innit?

Anne: Ooh, I tell you what...

Anne: So Steve, it's looking grave isn't it, really?

Steve: It's looking what?

Anne: It's looking grave.

Steve: Yeah, it's not looking good.

Ricky: We've got one last chance.

Anne: We have one last chance.

Ricky: This'll be it, this'll be it.

Anne: Yeah, and it's Wayne,

Steve: It's- who-

Anne: He's on the phone from Manchester, are you with us?

Wayne: Alright?

Ricky: Wayne! Alright mate, how's it going?

Wayne: Alright? How you doing, alright?

Steve: Wait a minute, I'll stop you there Gervais-

Ricky: What? No- are you up for this are you Wayne, up for a blind date with Steve?

Wayne: Yeah I'm up for anything!

Ricky: Excellent. Brilliant.

Steve: Gervais I'll stop you there,

Ricky: What?

Steve: It's a fella.

Ricky: Yeah. You alright, Wayne?

Anne: He might just fancy a pint.

Ricky: Yeah.

Anne: You know what I mean?

Steve: I tell you once he sees me, he won't wanna drink anything, eat anything.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: I tell you, he'll only have one thing on his mind.

Wayne: (laughs)

Steve: Getting out.

Ricky: No no, he's up for it, so uh,

Anne: He sounds keen to me.

Ricky: Right, okay.

Steve: He's a fella- he's a fella- I'm a heterosexual, Rick, he's a fella.

Ricky: Steve- Steve, you've got no chance with either sex, so it won't make a difference.

Wayne: (laughs)

Ricky: Why restrict yourself? In fact, I'm thinking you probably shouldn't restrict yourself to the human race.

Wayne: (laughs)

Ricky: And if Wayne's up for it, he's warm-blooded, he's human, he's from Manchester, I know.

Anne: He's obviously got a sense of humour.

Ricky: He's obviously- yeah, yeah.

Anne: Which is very important.

Ricky: Wait till he sees him, he'll lose that straight away. Well I better ask you a few questions, Wayne.

Wayne: Go on then.

Ricky: So do you like walking on the beach? Maybe in the sunshine? Maybe in the rain? Do you like poetry, for example?

Wayne: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, do you like- I mean what's your favourite band? Do you like Aswad-

Wayne: My favourite poem?

Ricky: No what's your favourite band?

Wayne: My favourite band?

Ricky: Yeah.

Wayne: It's gotta be the one and only Oasis.

Ricky: Ohh, Steve loves Oasis, don't you?

Wayne: Yeah, it's gotta be.

Steve: I- (clears throat) I've never them, I- mm...

Ricky: He loves Oasis.

Steve: I don't, you know.

Ricky: Ohh, what's your favourite food-

Steve: D'you like Aswad?

Wayne: Aswad?

Steve: Yeah.

Wayne: "Shine, shine like a star"?

Ricky: Oh, he does-

Anne: Ohh, he knows-

Ricky: You've always loved Aswad.

Steve: No, I've never-

Anne: I bet you could even sing the chorus for us, couldn't you Wayne?

Wayne: I could!

Ricky: "Shine, shine like a star"

Wayne: "Come on and shine, shine like a star,"

Ricky: Yeah!

Wayne: "Shining so bright, like the star that you are."

Ricky: Ohh, this is a match made in heaven.

Steve: No, I've never liked Aswad. I've always thought they were a bit weak, sort of cod reggae, I've never liked it.

Ricky: Oh, fantastic. So um, you're quite open minded, are you Wayne?

Wayne: Uh, at the moment I am, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, I mean you'll try anything, won't you?

Wayne: Yeah.

Anne: Once.

Ricky: Excellent. Do you like to experiment? You know, sort of like push the boundaries back?

Wayne: Yeah.

Ricky: Fantastic. Right, okay.

Anne: Looks like a we've got a winner!

Steve: No I- I...

Ricky: Right okay, well it's on.

Anne: Forget the BBC pen, we've ran out anyway.

Wayne: Aww.

Ricky: You'll have to come down to London though.

Steve: He's- no he's-

Ricky: I thought to be safe maybe you could meet somewhere uh-

Anne: Well Ricky we've got the Skegness river boat trip all set up, chicken in a basket laid on.

Steve: I don't think it'll work out.

Ricky: Will you come back next week and tell us how it went?

Wayne: Yeah.

Ricky: Fantastic, Wayne.

Anne: Oh, brilliant.

Steve: No I don't think it'll work out.

Ricky: See, I told you I'd find you something.

Anne: Total result, Ricky!

Ricky: I told you I'd look after you Steve.

Steve: No-

Ricky: Ohh, yes.

Steve: I don't think it'll work out.

Steve Has a Date

Anne: So Ricky, we made it, can you believe it?

Ricky: I knew we would, no, I never let him down. That is excellent, looking forward to the date?

Steve: Well, I- I- when is it cos I can't make it.

Ricky: Well you don't know when it is, yet.

Steve: No I can't, I'm booked up.

Ricky: You'll be alright, you'll be alright, don't worry about that.

Steve: I'm booked up.

Anne: I was thinking we could-

Steve: It's not what I was looking for, no I was looking for sort of, you know a kind of Monica Lewinski type, you know?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Sort of person that you know what you're gonna get before you've even started.

Ricky: Yeah there'd be no embarrassing things like, "Oh Monica, I've got this idea, would you mind-" "Well,"

Steve: Yeah, exactly, she's you know,

Ricky: She's already at it.

Steve: "I've got some cigars, well actually I've got a packet of camels, will that do?"

Ricky: (laughs)

Anne: (laughs) We could actually probably stump up for a couple of Radio 1 kneepads though, couldn't we, to take away with him tonight.

Steve: What kind of a mind's she got?

Ricky: I know.

Anne: Steve and Wayne, it's a beautiful pile of shit.

Ricky: I tell you, Alan Hobbs is famous for it. Have you still got those playing cards?

Steve: Those playing cards, man alive.

Ricky: Yeah. Is Whiley on them as well?

Steve: Whiley?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Oh, deary me. The poor- I tell you, Whiley, the poor man's Anne Hobbs.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Don't you think?

Ricky: Well that's very nice. That's very nice.

Anne: Aww, isn't that, that's a touching compliment isn't it?

Ricky: We can't come back, can we, cos you're-

Anne: You can't. Ever. Again.

Ricky: It's going after 12.

Anne: I know, yeah.

Ricky: So- oh...

Anne: So this is it, a fond and final farewell.

Ricky: Well it was short lived. Story of my life.

Anne: Yeah, ooh...

Ricky: Well see you all, thanks for listening.

Anne: See you later then.

Ricky: Cheers.

Anne: Bye.

Ricky: (whistles)

Anne: It's Mary Anne Hobbs on Radio 1 till midnight, right now it's for the news with Phil Williams.

Ricky: What happened to Feltcher?

Anne: Never mind Feltchy it's 11:30!

Ludicrosity

Claire: Well in that case,

Ricky: Slade it is then.

Claire: No, Black Sabbath.

Ricky: Slade, oh get lost! Slade!

Claire: Black Sabbath!

Ricky: And if we're counting Led Zeppelin, obviously Led Zeppelin.

Matt: No.

Claire: Black Sabbath.

Matt: Sabbath are better than Zeppelin.

All argue

Ricky: Oh come off it!

Matt: No, no. You're wrong. You're having a mental aberration if you think-

Ricky: Go on, give me an example.

Matt: Well there's a fantastic story, just the ludicrouses- ugh, ludicrous-ness, is that righ- is that a word?

Ricky: It's sort of-

Claire: That's a word now.

Ricky: Ludicrosity.

Matt: That'll do, yeah.

Claire: (laughs)

Matt: Tony Iommi was asked when they hit big in America what it was like for Black Sabbath and he said "Oh it was mad, we went back to the hotel and there was like ten satanists sitting outside our hotel room, all dressed in black with black candles, so we blew the candles out and sung Happy Birthday to them!"

All laugh

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: So that is proof.

Ricky: Yeah but Led Zeppelin said "BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I ROCK AND ROLLED!" and I think that sums it up.

Matt: Are you squeezing your lemon?

Ricky: Yeah I'm squeezing my little lemon. I'm putting my little cocktail chipolata on the table between two pickled onions and seeing if that fat-

Matt: And the juice is running down your leg.

Ricky: Yeah and the juice is running down my leg, indeed. Well, we've embarrassed ourselves,

Matt: Yeah.

Claire: I think in a way we might have embarrassed XFM,

Ricky: And I think,

Claire: And I know,

Ricky: Certainly,

Matt: Mainly,

Ricky: We've embarrassed,

Claire: London.

Ricky: London.

Matt: Yeah.

Claire: So who have you just- you just had someone on the phone or on the fax saying "What about the Sneaker-"

Ricky: Oh, voted for the Sneaker Pimps if they're from Birmingham, I don't know if there were or not.

Claire: Are they from- I don't know if Sneaker Pimps are from Birmingham, but I'm s-

Co-presenter: I think they are.

Matt: Them's small potatoes compared to-

Claire: To the Sabbath.

Matt: Yeah, the Sabs.

Claire: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: What is this- what is this obsession with Sabbath, I always thought Sabbath were a bit of like a joke rock band like Iron Maiden or something-

All argue

Matt: Oohh!

Claire: I can't believe you said that!

Ricky: Led Zeppelin is like the mold of the first rock gods, the greatest british band of- what-

Co-presenter: Who have Led Zeppelin gone on to influence? You know what they've influenced, that whole brand of poodle rockers with big hair, like extreme. That's what they've influenced.

Ricky: That's not their fault.

Co-presenter: Whereas the Sabs, their influence has been heavy great rock bands like Nirvana and things like that, you know.

Claire: Sabbath are the best thing to come out of Birmingham, Ricky.

Matt: Without any shadow of a doubt.

Claire: It's as simple as that.

Ricky: Okay, right, okay, let's do it up to Thursday, I want proper votes on faxes right, who is the best, the most influential, the best... the best band, out of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath. Simple as that.

Claire: You're playing with fire.

Ricky: Then we'll count out-

Matt: It's like comparing Bobby Davro to... Tommy Cooper.

Ricky: Ohh...

Claire: Ohh!

Matt: It's- honestly!

Ricky: I don't think so, I think-

Matt: I believe it is.

Ricky: I think it's like comparing uh, let's see, um...

Matt: Go on.

Ricky: Um... Europe,

Matt: (laughing) Right.

Ricky: Uh, with... Bernard Butler. Bernard Butler being Led Zeppelin.

Co-presenter: What?

Claire: Eh?

Matt: No, that's a bit abstract.

Co-presenter: But they're both completely crap!

Matt: (laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: Oh whereas Bobby Davro's brilliant!

All laugh

Claire: Ricky, you- tomorrow we're gonna have a debate-

Ricky: It's like comparing... something I don't like very much with something I like a lot more.

Co-presenter: (laughs)

Claire: Yeah, well that's fair enough.

Matt: Yeah but you like The Smiths so you're airing on the side of 'soft' aren't you whereas Sabbath are hard.

Ricky: Yeah well I like hard stuff as well.

Co-presenter: So you like Europe and hate Bernard Butler?

Ricky: No!

Matt: Is that what you said?

Ricky: Other way round!

Matt: You hate Tommy Cooper but you love Bobby Davro! How's that work?

Ricky: No!

Matt: That's what you're saying!

Ricky: They're twisting it Claire! They're ge- please vote for me! I'm by myself in the studio, 01715802000-

Matt: Never vote for him!

Ricky: Led Zeppelin's better than Black Sabbath!

Matt: No way!

Led Zeppelin > Black Sabbath

Claire: 01715802000, we've got ten more minutes till Ian Camfield'll come on.

Ricky: Hold on, let's ask Camfield.

Claire: Camfield! Camfield.

Ricky: That is the- hold on.

Claire: Go and get him, he's in-

Matt: We're just gonna get him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Anyway matt, let's- bit of small talk here.

Matt: Yes.

Claire: So you've enjoyed yourself today, have you?

Matt: Yeah I have but,

Claire: Yeah... yeah.

Matt: He's wrong.

Claire: He is wrong,

Matt: He's so wrong.

Claire: Isn't he?

Matt: He's having an aberration- oh he's here.

Ricky: He hasn't been listening. Right, have you heard what we've just been doing?

Ian: I've... got no idea-

Ricky: Okay, Right-

Claire: Ian Camfield.

Ricky: Don't look-

Matt: Completely impartial.

Ricky: Seriously, you two look away, right,

Matt: Right.

Claire: Okay.

Ricky: I am gonna ask you, don't know what we think or who thinks- just answer the question, right,

Ian: Right.

Ricky: In your opinion,

Ian: Yeah?

Ricky: Who is the most influential band, right, on the world rock scene,

Ian: Right...

Ricky: Don't give him any clues-

Claire: No.

Matt: No.

Ricky: No don't, seriously,

Claire: We're not saying anything.

Ricky: Who in your opinion is the most influential band- the better band, for you, and who've influenced all people, out of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath?

Ian: ...In what scene, the rock scene?

Ricky: Yeah.

Ian: The overall rock scene...

Ricky: The most influential- in you know, rock and pop.

Co-presenter: Just the best band!

Ricky: Yeah.

Ian: The best band? ...It's gotta be Led Zeppelin.

Ricky: YES!

Claire: Nooo!!

Matt: Nooo!!

Ricky: Yes!

Claire: No!

Ricky: I'm taking that, yes!

Co-presenter: Nooo!!

Ricky: That's it, that's it!

Matt: You're scum!

Ricky: That is it!

Claire: Scum!

Matt: You're scum!

Ian: Because-

Ricky: What?

Ian: Because... Led Zeppelin were Led Zeppelin, when they weren't, they folded out. Black Sabbath, great albums with Ozzy Osbourne, twenty years after that I'm afraid they went crap. You didn't stipulate the Black- the Ozzy Osbourne period-

Ricky: You said if we ask Camfield that'll be definitive, you said it, you laid it on the line, we didn't give any clues, Camfield said Led Zeppelin, that's it, I'm happy with that, play a record.

Ricky: Right, this is incredible.

Claire: Why?

Matt: Don't even talk to them.

Ricky: David Keenan-

Claire: What's happened?

Matt: They're cloth-eared!

Ricky: David Keenan took all these, right, Led Zeppelin got every vote except one. Every single person was for Led Zeppelin except one, and that wasn't to Black Sabbath, that was for Dave Keenan!

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: Out of those two he said "I'll vote Dave Keenan, give him his own show."

Matt: (laughs)

Ricky: Right, so Zeppelin got all the votes, Sabbath got none, Dave Keenan got more than Black Sabbath.

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: Thank you! It's official.

Matt: For the discerning punter of course, Black Sabbath will always be there. But for people that just say, you know...

Ricky: For people who haven't got phones.

Matt: Bonnie Tyler.

Ricky: People who can't use the phone. "(in silly voice) I'd like to phone, I'd like to vote for Black Sabbath but I can't use the phone." No. 'Course people who can use modern technology, it's Led Zeppelin. Thank you.

Matt: Wait a minute, who did you say, Sturgess?

Claire: Oh well I was going for Sabbath.

Matt: Right, Sabbath, and did you do the Friday Rock Show on Radio 1?

Claire: Y- yeah...?

Ricky: Exactly!

Matt: I rest my case!

Claire: Well-

Matt: I rest my case!

Ricky: And so do I!

Matt: And so do I!

Ricky: And so do I! I think I do!

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: Well I think I laid my case before you, and I rested it there and it was lounging way before-

Koala Bears

Ricky: "The fingerprints of a koala bear are so similar to that of a human being that if they were found at the scene of a crime, the police would not be able to tell the difference."

Steve: (laughs) Is that- well that is the fact that I remember.

Ricky: That is the fact.

Steve: And is it true?

Ricky: Well... well it depends what sort of crime it was really.

Steve: I mean where- you- but you got this from a reliable source?

Ricky: Of course, the internet.

Steve: So let me get this right. The fingerprints of a koala bear are so similar to those of a human being,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That if they were found at the scene of a crime, the police would think that a human had committed that crime?

Ricky: Yeah, or vice versa maybe.

Steve: What kind of a crime is that?

Ricky: The great koala bear eucalyptus robbery.

Steve: Right. Yeah. Mm...

Ricky: So they've come in, right, all the police have come in and detectives right, Quincy's- comes strolling in about half hour later and they go "It's alright Quince, we've solved this one, this is obviously a human being." And he goes "Oh is it? Oh, is it?" They go "Well pff... well yeah, 'course it is. There's a bloke here, he's been bludgeoned to death with a lead pipe in the conservatory, he's a big lad, he's probably a 6' bloke and he's hit him with the right hand by the window." Quincy goes, "Oh it's a 6' bloke, was it? Oh yeah." And they go, "...Yeah." right, he goes "Oh right, no it's just that pff... you know, you've ruled out the possibility of 5 koala bears standing on each other's shoulders have you?"

Steve: (laughs) In a long coat.

Ricky: Yeah with a trilby on.

Steve: Obviously.

Ricky: The bottom one's the fat one going "Oh-h- what you doin'?" And the top one's going "Right... Left!" And they snuck-

Steve: They've snuck past the security guard.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah. And they've got-

Steve: He's just there, "Go on through sir."

Ricky: "Yeah, go on through yeah, it's the press, they've got press." And they've gone in there right, and they've gone up to this bloke, they've got his confidence, they've got a false moustache obviously.

Steve: Of course they have.

Ricky: With- like you're growing. And they go, "Alright mate? Oh, what's that over there?" *doof!* *doof!* the top one's gone *doof!* and the bottoms one's holding it all up. Then, they just scatter.

Steve: They just scatter, dump the coat,

Ricky: Leave- they just leave a coat, like an empty coat with a hat on it right, and Quincy- thing is I think Quincy knows cos he's already rounded them up and he's got a confession out of them.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And so he's just being really smug, and they're going "Oh yeah yeah, it's a bloke innit." "Yeah it's a human being, yeah?" "Well look Quincy, the fingerprints." "Yeah, let's have a look at these." And they go, "D'ohh! They're just... they're just like blokes!" He goes "Yeah." Right and he- but the thing is I think that there's a Mr. Big,

Steve: Do you?

Ricky: Yeah, but he's up the tree getting stoned on eucalyptus going "Yeah..." he's getting all the... he's counting his cash.

Steve: He's just up there hanging loose catching- counting his cash.

Ricky: He's fingerprinted, he's got an alibi, and these pawns,

Steve: They're not gonna pin anything on Mr. Big!

Ricky: They couldn't pin it on-

Steve: Cos he's used those koala pawns.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He's a devilish fiend!

Ricky: Yeah, and they've done all the work, the little fat one, he's got bad shoulders now.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He's got four on him. And the tall one's got the little head with the trilby, he was at the top cos he can wield like a lead pipe presumably, or the hat fitted him- The hat! You've got that letter?

Steve: Ah, yes no I have, no I- I'm gonna wait till later about this,

Ricky: Okay I'll-

Steve: There's a great letter, I'll wait till later.

Ricky: Well I'll play a song then.

Steve: Oh please do but oh, be careful if you're a police officer, if you're listening, if you're currently investigating a crime,

Ricky: Think!

Steve: You've got fingerprints, you think you've sewn it up, think again!

Ricky: Just think! Just- ugh... never-

Steve: Have you looked at the koala angle?

Ricky: Expect the unexpected.

I Don't Want to Work Here Anymore

Steve: Sorry I just can't understand it, I... I don't think it's my kind of humour.

Ricky: The competition is this, Steve-

Steve: I think you're ooh, a bit wacky. Don't really understand it.

Ricky: You're frightened, aren't you?

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: You're frightened,

Steve: Little bit scared.

Ricky: And these people not only phone up but come into the studio.

Steve: I know, I know.

Ricky: You were scared last week, weren't you?

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: He came in the week as well.

Steve: I- d'you know, I... I kinda like Barrymore, that sort of thing, I think he's really funny.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: D'you know what I mean, Barrymore's-

Ricky: No. Uh...

Steve: Cilla Black.

Ricky: Steve, you're funny. But nowhere near as funny as me.

Steve: I... just with the calls and the competitions, it's ooh-

Ricky: The competition-

Steve: I think it just sort of goes over my head!

Ricky: Look the competition is this, oh and sorry to Mark Adams as well, Nick cut you off and he's a regular listener, the competition's this, someone phone's up for no reason at all,

Steve: Yeah...

Ricky: Don't give the reason away, send me a CD, is the winner.

Both snigger

Steve: It's... it's the way you don't even use grammar.

Ricky: (laughs) There's no need!

Steve: You just use words.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: Do you take the words that you say out of these bags,

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: And is that how you form your sentences, and your competition pr-

Ricky: I don't think of it as forming sentences, I think of it as when my head gets hot I have to cool it down, and speech is the best thing, it's sort of like... d'you know what I mean? I walk along the street and I (talks fast gibberish) and I have to talk, and it sort of cools it down.

Steve: I've got some people who've called,

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: John has called from North Harrow, Louise from Clacton, Claire from Hendon, Paul from Maida Vale... I don't know why they called!

Ricky: No reason?

Steve: I don't know who they are!

Ricky: No reason?

Steve: Going back to the competition that you set,

Ricky: Yeah. I like that one.

Steve: We've had a fella, Carl from Catford.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Now he phoned up to try and offer us a suggestion as to how we can receive money for free by begging for it without breaking the law.

Ricky: Oh he's the winner then.

Steve: And- is he?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well... right. Mm.

Ricky: So uh-

Steve: The fella on the phones, the fella who's manning the phones, he managed to get a CD out of him, persuaded him to send us a CD.

Ricky: Yeah, he's the bigger winner anyway, even if he hadn't sent a CD.

Steve: Yeah. J- (clears throat) I don't-

Ricky: I'm just tryna pick a song here, I haven't worked out my next song.

Steve: I- I- Gervais-

Ricky: Oh, I haven't heard that for a while!

Steve: Gervais?

Ricky: What?

Steve: I don't want to work here anymore.

A co-presenter laughing in the distance

Ricky: There'll be-

Steve: Is that alright, d'you mind if I-

Ricky: No no, there'll be plenty... people wanting to fill your shoes. And think of all the old newspapers I'll get out of it. Wait a minute...

Two Idiots Talking Nonsense on the Radio

Steve: Um, was on the tube earlier, Gervais, now I know that you walk into work,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But I do have to take the tube. And there's a guy on there, there's a kid on there sat opposite me, 10, 11 maybe, alright? Um, and he looks quite normal,

Ricky: 12 at the most.

Steve: Merry looking kid you know, just got the street clothes on or whatever, looks perfectly normal, he's not the kind of kid that's gonna get bullied at school you know, just normal looking kid, except Gervais, he was wearing a deerstalker hat.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: Now... what's happening there?

Ricky: Oh, I love that.

Steve: D'you know what I mean, when he goes to school on Monday morning, if he's wearing the hat, they're just gonna kick the hell out of him!

Ricky: Well-

Ricky: We'll pass that on to Howard, we'll keep that and as I said, anyone who wants to get hold of Howard, do it via us, he doesn't wanna give out his address obviously um, might attract... mad people.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Now I read in the paper years ago, there was this guy right, and he was from Sheffield and um, he was at the birth of Christ, he lived before as a cow.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Okay, right,

Steve: Yeah...

Ricky: But, that's not all. Another bloke who also lived in Sheffield saw this article, said "I don't believe it, so was I!"

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Right, so what's the chances of that, they go "Yeah I was a cow as well." And they started- they started this cult called "Cattle for Christ". Just two of 'em. But I just imagine people going up and saying "Oh I was a donkey." "Did you see it?" "No I was like- there was like a beam in the way, I couldn't see." "Nor could I, no I was- well I was being milked. Couldn't see a thing. Where were you?" "I was a chicken." "So you saw everything?" "No, I was- ugh I was out, wasn't I? I was so close."

Steve: "Poultry for the Prodigal son."

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: Would have been beautiful. Yeah no, well I'm sure there are all kinds of societies like this and perhaps if you're a member of one then we'd like to find out all about you.

Ricky: "Two Idiots Talking Nonsense On the Radio".

Steve: It's a cult.

Ricky: 'Course it is. Well I am.

Claire: The challenge has been set.

Matt: Yep.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah um, Matt didn't know this but I'm a bit of a Subbuteo buff myself, he comes in here all hard with his sheepskin on,

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: With his little team under his hand and his rolled up- I go "I play Subbuteo." He went "You s-" I said "I do, yeah." So uh, well the gauntlet was laid down.

Matt: It was yeah, we've got uh, Chile against England but I- I unfortunately haven't got (sighs) I haven't got Chile so I brought in Morocco instead-

Claire: (laughs)

Matt: No not Morocco, what they called - Colombia.

Ricky: Colombia.

Matt: Colombia yeah, so if any of the defenders mess up I can always shoot one of them.

Claire: Yeah, yeah, of course.

Ricky: And that's gonna be live, it's 10 minutes each way at 20 to 3 in the XFM lounge,

Claire: We are actually doing a proper football match, Subbuteo football match on XFM this afternoon, kickoff at 20 to 3 so it's 10 minutes each way,

Matt: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: And we'll be dipping in occasionally to see how it's going.

Ricky: Little boy Fraser's gonna be the referee,

Claire: Marvelous.

Ricky: Cos he's the only one that can fit on the pitch and run round.

Claire: Of course.

Ricky: Without disturbing any of the players.

Claire: It's a work of genius.

Ricky: And I've picked my team.

Claire: Have you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Already?

Ricky: Yeah, England I'm having.

Claire and Matt laugh

Ricky: No I've got- there's- there you are, look at him, look at hi-, look at his face, Gascoigne here, he's so pleased, look at him there he's only an inch high, look at him I've got Gascoigne there, Incey, Batty... um, Seaman there, dunno how that got there, it's all over Nigel Martin who's in goal,

Claire and Matt laugh

Ricky: But I'm gonna put him straight there, but- not mine, Matt brought it in you filthy-

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: Anyway, we're gonna-

Matt: Apparently for goalkeeper's choice though, most women prefer Flowers to Seaman.

Ricky: Really?

Claire: Ohh, Matt!

Matt: What?

The match starts with crowd cheering and horn noises throughout

Ricky: Oh there's some of the crowd- it's off, and we're away- it goes-

Matt: The beautiful thing is booted down the pitch-

Ricky: He's gone for the- ohh...

Matt: Ohh!!

Ricky: He's blown his trumpet- oh it's a foul!

Matt: It's a foul, it's a terrible foul. Headbutt.

Ricky: It's a dirty, dirty foul, England- ah the crowd don't like that much, and uh he's run up there, there he is,

Matt: He's flicked a plastic man,

Ricky: Barry Spineker there and little Tommy Tomkinson heavy on the-

Matt: Jimmy Twizzler!

Ricky: Oh there he is, oh but they've given it away,

Matt: Straight away.

Ricky: It's numbered- it's the number 11 there and he's runnin- oh the goal-

Matt: Ohh!

Ricky: It's a goal kick.

Matt: Goal kick!

Ricky: It's a goal kick. There's little boy Fraser there, on his horn.

Fraser blows his horn

Matt: Half time!

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: ...Half time?

Matt: Half time!

Claire: No we'll be back in a minute.

Ricky: That's ridiculous.

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: That is stupid.

Matt: We can have a penalty shootout though.

Ricky: I nearly sprained myself then, I had to stop in mid-swing. That's happened before though.

Claire: (laughs) We will be back at the XFM living room.

Ricky: Mum I don't want any tea, I'm busy.

Matt: You're very good with your fingers though.

Claire: (laughing) Part two right after this.

Ricky: Well Claire is on- England are down to 10 men, I had to pull one of my players off at half time.

Matt: That's very kind of you, my boys only get oranges.

Ricky: I used to do that to mine but they wouldn't put the tights on and have the bag over their head but here we go, here we go... and it's o- oohh, look at that lovely ball there, a Hoddle type ball into nowhere in particular. Oh, it's Chile again they've turned round, they're in the- oh they're in- look they've found his own player there,

Matt: Missed it!

Ricky: Missed it completely. England moved up there and it's a dirty foul, it's a dirty foul-

Matt: Take it!

Ricky: Quite a dangerous area. He's moving to- he's not... oh not one but two-

Matt: Oh here we go... I've never been in such close proximity to you Ricky.

Ricky: England in possession again- oh look at this move here,

Matt: Is that your aftershave or-

Ricky: Oh they're keeping it, they're playing with the ball now,

Matt: Ohh.

Ricky: Oh! It'a a foul, it's a foul, there- he's gonna take it quickly, it's there, ohh it's-