Tape 3 Side B

Xfm Series 0 January 1998 - August 1998 List of episodes

Episodes: 31 May 1998 (Transcript) 07 June 1998 (Transcript) Tape 1 Side A (Transcript) Tape 1 Side B (Transcript) Tape 2 Side A (Transcript) Tape 2 Side B (Transcript) Tape 3 Side A (Transcript) Tape 3 Side B (Transcript) Tape 4 (Transcript) The Best of the Rest (Transcript)

Tape 3 Side B is a composite of several shows. It not only includes material from Ricky and Steve's Xfm show, but also excerpts from Anne Hobbs' Radio 1 show where Ricky and Steve guest star, and from Claire Sturgess' show where Ricky is the guest.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see Tape 3 Side B/Transcript.

1. We Don't Live in Ricky World (00:00)

A partial link in the middle of a conversation where Ricky is talking about weeing on some speakers, clearly another conversation about living by cat rules.

2. The Spider And The Horse (00:37)

Steve and Ricky discuss their idea for a Czechoslovakian animation called The Spider And The Horse. It's meant to be a satire where the horse is a wicker horse and the spider is a crab that has been blacked up. Listeners have been faxing in their ideas for game shows. One suggested that a celebrity panel would be blindfolded and would have to suck the deformity of another celebrity, like Jeremy Beadle's hand. They have difficulty thinking of other deformed celebrities so they ask the listeners.

3. Tip The Balance (04:16)

Ricky and Steve go over some of their funny phone calls they've done in the past, including Do You Want Some Beer. Ricky's only remaining idea is Tip The Balance. It's a board game with scales that have one kilogram weights on one side and an empty bowl on the other. You have to fill the bowl to try and tip the balance and you can only fill the bowl with bodily secretions, in any form. After they play a track they discuss more of the details of the game including what the box cover would look like. Ricky also brings up another rule, the Fish Card, where you can pour the contents of someone else's bowl into yours, but you can only do it via your mouth. Steve wraps up the show and reads out some of the suggestions of deformed celebrities that the listeners have faxed in.

4. The End (11:12)

Ricky and Steve finish up the show by complaining that it is a shambles and they never plan it.

5. He's a Freak (12:35)

Ricky has brought Steve on Anne Hobbs' show to try and get him a blind date. It begins with Anne chatting with Ricky about what's coming up and warning him about swearing after he says, "cock." Ricky then introduces her to Steve and describes what Steve looks like for the listeners. Anne asks for some more information to get the women interested then gives out the number for them to call if they want to go on a blind date with Steve.

6. Blind Date With Steve (16:09)

Anne, Ricky, and Steve continue to try and get a blind date for Steve. Ricky tries to stress what Steve looks like so that no one is shocked when they see him. Steve says he's interested in celebrities like Louise Woodward. Anne thinks Steve is aiming too high, all they can offer is a typical Radio 1 listener. Steve is delighted to learn that the date is already paid for. Anne gives out the number again and will take calls after the next track.

7. He Looks Good From The Back (19:22)

They take a call from a woman who says she doesn't mind what Steve looks like. Ricky asks her some questions to find out if she's eligible and to make sure that she doesn't hurt Steve. Based on her answers, Ricky doesn't think she's right for Steve.

8. Sorry, Charlie (23:05)

Another contestant is on the phone and Ricky tries to scare her off. Steve is put off by her because she's a student and he makes fun of her name, Charlie. Ricky turns her down but assures her that he's done her a favor by saying no.

9. Steve and Wayne (26:14)

During the track, Steve showed off his dance moves, which impressed Anne. Ricky tries to think of some of Steve's good qualities, but he struggles. They're running out of time, and it doesn't look good for Steve. He has one last chance, a fella named Wayne. Steve is concerned because he's heterosexual, but Ricky doesn't think Steve should restrict himself to only women or even just the human race. After some questions, Ricky thinks Wayne is the perfect match for Steve and they declare him the winner.

10. Steve Has a Date (29:53)

Steve is disappointed by the date they have set up for him. It's the end of the show so Ricky, Steve, and Hobbs say goodbye.

11. Ludicrosity (31:18)

A partial link from Claire Sturgess' show, where Ricky was a guest. A debate rages about which band from Birmingham is better, Led Zeppelin or Black Sabbath. Ricky is on the side of Led Zeppelin but Sturgess and the rest are on the side of Black Sabbath. Ricky gets a lot of criticism from the others in the studio, but Ricky holds his view and asks for the listeners to support him.

12. Led Zeppelin > Black Sabbath (34:46)

Ricky has an idea; he thinks they should go get Ian Camfield to participate in the debate. Ricky brings him in and asks him which is better. Camfield sides with Ricky and picks Led Zeppelin. Also, all but one of the listeners who called in picked Led Zeppelin. The one dissenting vote wasn't even for Black Sabbath, it was for Dave Keenan.

13. Koala Bears (37:21)

This is a partial link from another one of Ricky and Steve's shows where Ricky reads an animal fact about koala bears that he found on the internet. He says that the fingerprints of a koala bear are so similar to those of humans that they could be confused at the scene of a crime. Ricky then goes over a scenario on Quincy where this would occur.

14. I Don't Want to Work Here Anymore (40:34)

Ricky and Steve have some CD's to give away and Ricky tries to explain the rules of the competition, but Steve doesn't understand Ricky's explanation. The listeners don't seem to understand either.

15. Two Idiots Talking Nonsense on the Radio (43:05)

Several partial links to end the tape including, Steve talking about a kid he saw on the tube wearing a deerstalker hat, Ricky hearing about a man who said he was a cow during the birth of Christ, and Ricky announcing an Xfm football match.

Quotes

Steve: I'm not going out with a puppy killer, that's just sick.

Ricky: He's basically a crap person, all around nasty, idiot, and he's ugly.

Ricky: Yeah, but Led Zeppelin said, "BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I ROCK AND ROLLED!"

Ricky: The competition is this: someone phones up for no reason at all, don't give the reason away, send me a CD, is the winner.
Steve: It's the way you don't even use grammar… You just use words.

Trivia

• Ricky's animal fact about koala bears was later used in his standup routine, Animals.

• Approximately 15 minutes into the recording, when Ricky and Anne Hobbs are attempting to get Steve a blind date, the conversation gets onto the quality of presenters on the show, and Ricky can be heard asking, "What happened to Jimmy Saville? He loved the kids." To which Steve replies, "He does love 'em, I've seen pictures." A joke which, in recent years, the two would possibly regret saying whilst being record.

Playlist

Manic Street Preachers – If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next
The Cure - Charlotte Sometimes
Lloyd Cole – Are You Ready To Be Heartbroken?
Bob Dylan – It's All Over Now, Baby Blue
Hole – Celebrity Skin
Snoop Dogg - What's My Name?