Ricky Gervais Quotes By Topic

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This a collection of opinions and quotes by Ricky Gervais listed by topic. Click here to see Ricky Gervais Quotes By Date.

On Animals

“You never see a lazy ant. It's always working... It's drunk, but it's always working.”
-Xfm 17 November 2001

“There’s a certain lack of respect for the... squid and octopi fraternity.”
-Xfm 02 March 2002

"There is no way! A monkey launched a rocket!! You idiot!"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode One

(Making a chimp sound) "a-a.. You go for the nose.. a-a-a I'll go for his bollocks a-a-a-a-a-a"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Three

On Vacations with his Mum and Nan

“You wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning to hear your Nan pissing in an iron bucket and you get disorientated.”
-Xfm 24 November 2001

“You haven't lived until you've woken up to the sound at 3 o'clock in the morning of your nan having a wee in a tin bucket and it echoing around a caravan.”
-Xfm 26 January 2002

On Jonathan Ross

“When a top celebrity in a lovely looking suit walks down the corridor with his penis out…”
-Xfm 15 December 2001

On Karl’s Future as an Author

“He's got to write a book, this bloke. You have got to write a book, Karl.”
-Xfm 16 February 2002

On Karl’s Childhood Memories

“Karl’s stories always start off nice and funny, and then they just leave me empty and slightly depressed. I don’t know whether to hug him or shoot him – put him out of his misery. Can we take Karl to the... phone in if you think we should take Karl to the vet and have him put down! Cos it’s just too stressful.”
-Xfm 09 March 2002

"’Punch me on the arm!’..’No! Punch me on the arm, Karl!’"
-Xfm 02 March 2002

On Doing the Radio Show with Karl

“It’s like having your very own Fisher Price toy, two hours a week!”
-Xfm 20 April 2002

“This is the strangest radio show in the world.”
-Xfm 02 July 2005

On Urban Legends

“Yeah and... what sort of bloke goes ‘I'll call you at 4, okay, if your business is...’ 'Well, call me anyway' ‘No, no, if I don't call at exactly 4 then commit suicide’ 'Commit suicide?' ‘I would, cos if I don't call at 4, urgh, that's the end of it.’”
-Xfm 27 April 2002

On Rockbusters

“You're just like your little magpie, thieving ideas from Mayo's nest.”
-Xfm 31 August 2002

“Do you know what a pun is? You can't have, ‘Oh, he's bald and his rides a bike. Who's that? Bicycle Stipe.’"
-Xfm 22 November 2003

On Work Ethic

“We did come in half hour early to prepare, but instead me and Karl were playing- you had to flick the football into the bin, you had five goals each, or the world was gonna end.”
-Xfm 07 September 2002

“I sort of wanna climb on Karl and go to sleep on him, d'you know what I mean? To both annoy him, and it'd be comfortable.”
-Xfm 19 October 2002

“Will it be any good next week? Tune in and find out on Xfm 104.9!”
-Xfm 16 November 2002

“We don't give away prizes we throw away prizes.”
-Xfm 08 February 2003

“Conning the management baby, sending the station spiralling down into the depth because of his greeeeed...and selfishness."
-Xfm 01 November 2003

"I've never seen anyone, on this planet, waste as much time as you. If you're not on holiday, you're following an insect around the fuckin' park, so don't give me that shit."
-The Podfather Part 2 - Thanksgiving

"God! He's in and out of the kidney hospital, and they're saying 'there's no kidney stone Mr. Pilkington' and now he goes and gets his 'legs rubbed' once a week, Christ all mighty! Do some fucking work!"
-The Podfather Part 2 - Thanksgiving

On Chris Moyles

“And it was, um, it was, uh, titles with - song titles with golf. About golf. Like so he'd go like "Drive", by The Cars. And then that. And and I was phonin'; I was gettin' so excited. I wanted to phone up and go, ‘Huhhh - Duran Duran, 'Golfie Golfie Golf Golf!’”
-Xfm 28 September 2002

On Race

“Ebony and Ivory. No more racism now. That one's done.”
-Xfm 28 September 2002

On Transvestites

“When Eddie Izzard is naked, is he a naked transvestite?”
-Xfm 05 October 2002

“It's always that way with a tranny, innit?”
-Xfm 08 February 2003

On Prince

“Steve Merchant says Prince is a genius. This is Xfm, 104.9!”
-Xfm 05 October 2002

“Prince: Genius or little fella?! It's up to you!”
-Xfm 05 October 2002

On Karl’s Rise to Fame

“Bloke from Manchester. Went a bit balder than the rest. Got a job on radio. He was normal.”
-Xfm 12 October 2002

On Karl’s “Facts”

“Karl just said to me ‘Here you are, here's something. You can't hold your breath to death!’"
-Xfm 23 November 2002

On Karl’s Intelligence

“For a simple man, you retain an awful lot of knowledge. It's just all rubbish. If you just replace all this rubbish with good stuff, you'd be an intellectual really. Because your attention is fantastic.”
-Xfm 30 November 2002

On Xfm Listeners

“I think our listeners are always on the web.”
-Xfm 11 January 2003

“This is no longer an entertainment show! This is three people, chattin' to each other .. sometimes we remember it's goin' out, sometimes we just take a call for our own amusement.”
-Xfm 18 January 2003

“Even our listeners know you're talkin' rubbish, and some of those aren't allowed to wear socks!”
-Xfm 25 January 2003

On Karl’s Philosophy

“It's better not to try, than to try your hardest and be rubbish! ... Think of that! You're not even reaching your standards!”
-Xfm 18 January 2003

“What about Einstein? And this is what [Karl] said, 'Again, I've never needed MC squared in my life. The fella who invented the video, I watch one a day.'”
-Xfm 25 January 2003

“But the number of times they'd type it and write ‘Karl Pilkington is a genius and Ricky Gervais is a cund.’"
-Xfm 08 February 2003

On Songs of Phrase

“We've done hairy Chinese kids, we've done people having their nobs cut off, we've done freaks with no arms or legs. Ooh! Have we done Forrest Gump In A Wheelie Bin?”
-Xfm 22 March 2003

“That is mental, Karl! It's the most convoluted, ridiculous - racist - piece of material, ever to be uttered on radio!”
-Xfm 02 August 2003

On Meeting Derren Brown

“I said to Derren, 'If in doubt, he'll be thinking of monkeys'. And Derren looked at Karl and said, 'Were you thinking of monkeys?', he said, 'I tried not to and I thought of them more.'”
-Xfm 12 April 2003

On Things Karl Enjoys

“We were trying to work out what you enjoy doing and we got to Manchester United.. and moaning.”
-Xfm 14 June 2003

On Swearing

“That Method Man, if he doesn't stop ‘effin' and jeffin'’ it's the end of his career, all this ‘eff' that’ and ‘yo jeff, I'm a jeff' meself.’"
-Xfm 14 June 2003

On Karl’s Theories

“You know who killed Diana don't you? Flower companies, son... Yeah, alright, right Dad you're not wrong.”
-Xfm 14 June 2003

On Karl’s Anecdotes

"There's a naked woman across the road, what do you THINK I'm doing, Suzanne?! I'm exposing myself while looking at some FREE FANNY! WHAT'S UP WITH YOU, SUZANNE?!"
-Xfm 27 December 2003

On Karl’s Favorite Television Shows

“You only watch programs if it's about someone who's got summat wrong with 'em, that's what you do, if ever you say ‘Did you see that thing last night?’ It's gonna be summat like The Kid Born With Too Many Legs or 'The Baby With An Arse For A Head.'"
-NME Radio Show

On Karl’s Ringworm

“Were these all euphemisms? ‘Well, wrestlers get it, know any wrestlers?’, ‘No doctor.’ ‘Hmmm, stroke any bald pets?’, ‘No.’ ‘OK, gay people get it! Look, are you gay, are you gay? I'm gay, I'm gay. I wanna stroke summat bald.’"
-NME Radio Show

On Humpty Dumpty

"Are there eggs readin that? Goin phwoargh am glad I didn't do that"
-Politics

"I only know that he's an egg from pictorial evidence & he's clearly an egg...an egg thing...an egg with eyes & trousers. But that isn't mentioned in the whole thing. That'd be the FIRST thing I'd mention! I'd say 'Once right, there was an egg that could climb walls!"
-Politics

"If your surname is Dumpty....DON'T CALL YOUR FIRST BORN HUMPTY! He's already an egg!"
-Politics

"'Hows the baby? It's an egg..just an egg.' 'O what you gonna call it?' 'Humpty Dumpty' 'Well don't make it worse... that is a windup that. Just call him johnny. Stick a baclava over him. The worst he'll get is fatty Johnny. Humpty Dumpty the egg?! He's gonna get the piss ripped outta him.... Probably jumped off the wall!'"
-Politics

Brent on the Handicapped

"There are things that..uh..I would never laugh at The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or any other deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped & go 'Oh look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am. I'm prejudiced.' Yeah? Well at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded.....unless he's not. It's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones."
-The Office