08 November 2003

Xfm Series 3 November 2003 - January 2004 List of episodes

Episodes: 01 November 2003 08 November 2003 (Transcript) 15 November 2003 (Transcript) 22 November 2003 (Transcript) 29 November 2003 (Transcript) 06 December 2003 (Transcript) 13 December 2003 20 December 2003 27 December 2003 ('Best of') 03 January 2004 (Transcript) 10 January 2004 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

After last week's triumph, here's the next installment, presented by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant

Track Listing

1. Suzanne's Hair

The show begins on an upbeat note, with the boys saying that last week's show was brilliant. What isn't brilliant is Suzanne's Dave Hill haircut. Ricky recaps last week's incident, which has led to Suzanne and Karl having a row. Pilkington says that she isn't listening this week so he can talk about her "fat arse". He did buy her a new coat after last week's show but then undud that by offering to pay to have the haircut sorted out, which Ricky thinks is both despicable and hilarious. Suzzane was more hurt than annoyed but Karl defended himself by comparing the slagging of of her hair to his "Orientals Don't Age Well" theory. Steve says that Karl has never admitted that he's wrong, and the Manc stands by his Slade comparison this week. He did instruct his girlfriend to wear a hat when out in public, and only bought her the coat so it would take the focus off of her hair. Ricky says Karl is in "deep shite".

2. Gays Love Britney

Steve discusses Britney Spears, who Ricky thinks is both desperate and alright. Merchant says that the pop diva turned chav mother is playing at G.A.Y, in London, but only for G.A.Y regulars. The regularity of the attendees was ascertained by a series of questions, which Gervais and Merchant then act out. Assuming the role of his gay alter ego, "Paulo", Merchant takes Gervais's probing, which starts with an attack on his hair. Steve defends his bad hair by saying that he's been ill. He then says that he'd ususally go out at 3am, after initially saying 8pm. Paulo also prefers knobs to tits ("hate 'em), but not Liza Minelli's chest region. Paulo falls at the last hurdle by saying that Britney is sexy but Gervais's bouncer character lets him in, citing him as "bi" and "a bit bent".

3. Man-woman-man

Karl mentions a programme on telly, about a "man-woman", who he then describes as a "fella who's a woman", "a bit of both", "a woman- no, a man", "it", "he is a man - well...", "transvestite", "man who is now half a woman", "he's got the top half but not the bottom half" and "a mess". This hesitation angers Gervais. To clarify, for you, the readers, a man went through a sex-change operation but, for whatever reason, kept the male genitalia. The man called himself Miriam, and was the object of lust for a group of men on a Sky One reality show, where the winner out of the group of men got to go out with Miriam. The twist came after the winner was announced, when Miriam lifted up her skirt to reveal a penis and testicles. Ricky suggests doing the same thing to Karl, and that the programme was terrible, and awful. Steve says that Sky One has nothing on it except for the Simpsons, while Gervais says the channel is like it's been schedueled by a 14 year old boy. Steve thinks that that is what actually happens, although he does like the wrestling on it (maybe Paulo is more than an alter ego?). Karl would like Sky, especially for the 24 hour MOnkey Channel, which he saw when "doing that show with Richard Bacon" (Flipside TV).

4. Merchant 4 Beckham 4eva

Gervais says that the preious link could never have been done by someone like Terry Wogan, who Steve can't understand, as the jovial Irishman keeps going up and down with his voice. Paulo makes a return, saying that he'd rather watch the F.A Cup final than the Eurovision Song Contest, as he fancies David Beckham. Merchant, back in the lank guise, says that footballer's shorts used to be tighter (causing a recap of Karl's penis gazing nightclub story), while Gervais predicts that the shorts will get tighter again before he dies, as that is the way fashion goes ("drainpipes - flairs, tall hat - small hat"). Karl moves away from the topic to do Rockbusters (the answers of which, can be texted in, which causes Gervais to lament his inability to text), here's the questions:

1. This Teletubby has got lice, right? - P

Karl has messed that one up, which he admits then cuts to a record.

5. Rockbusters

Gervais blasts Pilky for messing up Rockbusters. The answer was "Police (Po - lice). He meant to say "nits" instead of "lice" in the question. Here's the other two:

2. I'm saving that money to buy condoms, think about it... - JC

3. Er, when you're making bread, add a bit of colour for a change, alright? - D

6. Saddam Robberies

Steve's been reading the Daily Express, in which there is a story about a gun raid by three burglars wearing Saddam Hussein masks. Police are linking the raids as the appearance of the perpetrators look similar. Gervais wonders how the robbers decided upon the masks. Ricky and Steve then do a sketch where a burglar wants to do a funny robbery, but one doesn't. Merchant then warns joke shop owners to be more vigilant when selling the said masks. Paulo then says the he likes Shirley Bassey's breasts as they are on her. Karl says that "The Film Thing" is coming up later.

7. The Real News

Karl defends his contribution to the show, and then tells how Ananova.com have stole his idea of only reading the story. Here's the headlines:

"Vibrating Shoes Could Stop Elderly Falling"

Bong

"Family Sick of Living On Butthole Road"

Bong

"Man Wears Same Shoes For 60 Years"

Bong

"Man Pulls Train With Teeth

Bong

"Man Fails To Break Clothespegs On Face Record."

The last item is the only one that Karl actually read on with, but I don't need to tell you about that as the headline is self-explanatory. Karl also tells of a man who ate watches to set a record; 3 in a minute. "How did he time it?" Ricky quips. Karl then says that he thinks that pulling a train with teeth isn't very impressive, and thinks that the man who did that only did it because he couldn't beat the man who pulled it with his hands. Gervais tells his "milk bottle on head" observation, then says that Karl is the most stupid human in the world; "Well, get me in the book," Karl retorts. Steve asks about the family who lived on Butthole Road, and says that his family in Bristol lived on an unfortuantely named road which he doesn't want to say as his parent's still lived there. Ricky meets the revelation with derision and laughter. Steve says that his friend used to live in Fockingham then moved to Fingering Hoe, and than appeals for listeners to email in with similar witticisms. Karl says the family on Butthole Road moved as they were fed up of people pulling their pants down next to the road sign. Karl and Ricky do a sketch where an estate agent won't tell his client the name of the road.

8. Weird Location, Weird Location, Weird Location

The listeners contribute amusing place names; Arsagay in New Zealand, Fartstown near Leeds, and Butts Farm in Tamworth. Ricky would like rename Manchester as Whinging on the Wold, and become Mayor so he could make the residents work on Mondays (sly dig at Karl there). Steve would like to be mayor of Chinatown, which he claims is not a town, but more of a novelty street with slippy roads, restaurants, lampshade hats and wooden shoes. "You can't build a town on restaurants," the lanky one advises. Ricky tries to get Karl to recap his Oriental aging theory, but the Manc says "leave it". More place names: Bell End, Clitterhouse Drive, and Mianus. Ricky has heard of that somewhere (he doesn't know where but I do; MTV's Jacksass). He and Steve then ask a series of hypothetical questions where the answer comes back as "Mianus" (which, unbeknownst to Gervais and Merchant, is exactly what the Jackass boys did). Karl snidely says that rather than reading out the A-Z they should do Rockbusters answers:

2. JC - Johnny Cash (johnny is slang for condom, cash is lang for money)

3. D - Dido (die dough)

A Swiss person called Tina wins, and Steve appeals for her to email back to say who her countrymen wanted to win the wars.

9. Kez

Ricky puts on headphones and realises how noisy and annoying he is. Time for the film quiz. This week, Karl is in Kez, now this is genius. He edits himself into the scene where Billy Casper is made to tell a story in class. Instead of telling the class about his bird (Kez), he now tells of Ricky Gervais giving his head a "squoze". The teacher asks how to spell the word "squoze" which causes Ricky to squeal with laughter in the background. Karl (Billy Casper) spells the word, and then spells the word swivel. The class applaud and the clip ends. Back in the studio Ricky is dying of laughter, and congratulates Karl, and rightly so. Karl sets a question; how many squozes can Ricky get in before the show starts.

10. Perverted Chimps

John has won "The Film Thing". Karl outlines the rules of the verb "squoze". Ricky says Karl hasn't earnt Monday off yet, and demands Monkey News. And here it is: people were on a chatroom, but one poster was a bit strange. Instead of asking to meet in a pub, he asked to meet in a tree, and asked his date to bring bananas to said tree. Ricky gets angry and leaves the studio, and once again, wheels out the tired old "you're a retard" thing.

11. Xenophobia

Gervais recaps the show. There is a town called Muff in Northern Ireland. Ricky "boasts" that nobody on radio has anything like Monkey News. The Swiss woman hasn't emailed back to say who they were rooting for in the wars. Steve corrects Gervais that the Swiss speak German anyway. Ricky says that foreigners sound stupid if they don't speak English, and that when he went to Holland he saw a mouse on the stairs. Karl tells that there are more moves on a chessboard than particles in the universe. Gervais mumbles an explanation, which includes the phrase "tents towards infinity". Gervais and Merchant say goodbye.

Playlist

I Believe In A Thing Called Love - The Darkness

Cemetry Gates - The Smiths

Hey Ya - Outkast

Train In Vain - The Clash

Hurt - Johnny Cash

Red Vines - Aimee Mann

Waterloo Sunset - David Bowie

I Can't Remember - The Thorns

12:51 - The Strokes

If I Was Your Girlfriend - Prince

Learn To Fly - Foo Fighters

Bad Day - REM

Do Anything You Wanna Do - Eddie And The Hot Rods

Oooh-eee - Mark Ronson

Unknown - Hawxley Workman

Extras

Transcript Here When It's Done

Download

http://www.sendspace.com/file/uqvfmc

http://rapidshare.de/files/31179293/s03e02.mp3

http://www.f-forge.com?d=2Zx1U8MGdTcE5RVgyBO9

External Links

• More info on this episode from Xfm.co.uk