15 November 2003

Xfm Series 3 November 2003 - January 2004 List of episodes

Episodes: 01 November 2003 08 November 2003 (Transcript) 15 November 2003 (Transcript) 22 November 2003 (Transcript) 29 November 2003 (Transcript) 06 December 2003 (Transcript) 13 December 2003 20 December 2003 27 December 2003 ('Best of') 03 January 2004 (Transcript) 10 January 2004 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant present show three.

Track Listing

1. Arbitrary Lists

"Bobbedy-boo, it's Karly Pilkboys", Gervais introduces the K-Man, who's in a bad mood as Suzanne has now heard of her lover's tale of her fat arse. Karl sorted it out, until Thursday, when Karl put his foot in it again. When reading about paralell universes, Suzanne doubted it, so Karl snapped that if it was true then the parallell Suzanne would definitely not have a Dave Hill haircut. Gervais says that Karly hasn't learnt his lesson as he is still talking about it on air (well, you brought it up Gervais). Ricky asks Karl if he's tip a box upside down to get an orange out. "What do ya mean?" Karl is confused, but says that he will not talk about Suzanne this week, but does have all of his regular features; Monkey News, Rockusters, and the Film Thing, this week the movie is "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", which Karl says is definitively better than Godfather, Ricky's favourite film. On the subject of lists, Steve has a recent Top Pop Culture Icons list, which is topped by David Beckham, and features The Office at number 66, which annoys Steve as his and Ricky's creation is higher in the list than Superman, Neil Armstrong ("Do they mean the people behind the rocket or just him?" Pilky is confused again) and Tom Cruise. Gervais says that the lists are stupid anyway, as he was the Most Powerful Man In Comedy last year.

2. Wicky Loves Wossy

Gervais introduces Karly Pilkoids again, then laments the radio tradition of shout-outs. Merchant says that the shout-outs are drivel, just like Monkey News, which Ricky then attacks, comparing it to a Jonathan Ross monkey story. Karl insists that it is still coming up later. Steve then scathingly asks how Jonathan Ross is, and attacks Ricky's interview with Wossy, saying that it was just "two pals having a laugh" and that any minute Jonathan's children would come out and ask "Uncle Ricky" to do the dance off the Office. Steve says that the friendship between Ross and Gervais is "too close", and that it is gay to be friends with men when you are over 25. The two are friends on the television, which Merchant says is like "Des O'Conner and Jethro". "And then to top it all off, he GAVE YOU A PET!" he exclaims, then asks if Ricky called the cat "Jonathan", but Ricky called it "Olly" instead. Steve admits that he is jealous, as he didn't get an invite to Ricky's birthday party.

3. Three More Craptic Clues

Time for Rockbusters:

1. "If you go to Cehpstow you will." - S

2. "ET's upset, what's up with him?" - ME

3. "I had a tape with Humpty Dumpty and Hickory Dickory Dock on it, but I broke it." - BR

Ricky and Steve say that the questions are like jazz or freeform, and change every time it's said.

4. Merchant Underground

Steve says that he was on the London Underground recently, which he takes to avoid the Congestion Charge. He says that he is always stood next to a poster of him and Ricky which he finds embarassing. Gervais agrees, and tells of an incident in HMV when he was caught looking at himself in a book. The same thing happened to Steve, and then was forced to sign autographs. Meanwhile, he runs around Tube Stations to avoid the posters advertising XFM. While on the Tube this morning, he heard an underwhelming anecdote, where a woman held a phone up in a pub so her husband could hear the noise. Merchant found it amusing. Gervais says that he was with Danny Baker yesterday and tells an underwhelming anecdote about him (sounding like his Extra's persona of Andy Millman). Steve hates showbiz friendships.

5. Gay Issues Number 10225367...

It's "Karl Pilkingbod" this time, acording to Ricky. The Manc has something to say on the subject of homosexuality, or "little gay fellas" as he calls them. Apparantly, on a Saturday night, the last carriage on the Northern Line, is exclusively a gay meeting place. Steve says that it's good information, and that gay people should put out signs to warn straight men of their presence. Steve says that stumbling across gay meeting places is a problem for him. He came across two gay men having sex in a toilet while a student in Bristol. One had red underpants round his ankle. Astounded, Steve exclaimed "Fuck Me!" then quickly took it back, and ran out. Later, the lanky one learnt that it was a famous gay place, but was annoyed that he hadn't heard of it. Gervais says that the gay community couldn't advertise their cottages as it isn't legal to cottage, and that cottagers are usually closet gays or curious men. Pilkington then says that, while walking through Soho, he was handed a card for a gay event, featuring a nude man and the slogan "The Best Bum In W1". Gervais doesn't know if "bum" there was a noun or a verb. Steve then rounds up the topic of homosexuality by saying that he has to avoid them so he doesn't join in. This amuses Gervais, who wonders why Steve has to do that, as if he had no choice whether to join in. Merchant tells of a gay meeting place near his house where two men meet at 2am, nothing is said, then they have sex. "Why can't that be the case with women?" Steve is jealous.

6. The Pilkington Family

Steve was talking to his dad last week, who said that he was going to buy a digital radio to listen to the show. "Imagine them listening to that last link and then talking to me about it at Christmas!" the Peter Crouch-alike says. Ricky does a sketch based on that where Merchant's father tells his son that he shouldn't have joined in with the gay couple. Karl says that Mr. and Mrs Merchant will love Rockbusters, here's the answers:

1. S - Seahorses (see horses)

2. ME - Missy Elliot ("missy" is how ET would say "missing", Elliot was the boy from the film)

3. BR - Busta Rhymes (busted nusery rhymes)

Gervais blasts clue 2, but Karl defends it as "cryptic". Gervais says it is "bollocks". Steve says that every Rockbusters email is regarded as "Suspected Spam" by his inbox. Pilky was in Heat magazine this week, which annoys him as his parents and relatives might now tune in to Flipside TV, which he doesn't want, citing the Little Donkey incident as a reason. He can't remember his age, the range was 6-13. He says that everyone was the same age at his school, and that there were people in the older years with beards. Steve wonders what would happen if Karl was to go on jury duty.

7. Karl or Brett?

The prospect of jury duty doesn't bother Karl, but Gervais and Merchant think it would be amusing. Karl recaps his story of phoning the police in Manchester, when he saw two kids pushing a car away. The police arrived and seemed more interested in watching Karl in his underpants than catching the criminal. The Witness Protection Scheme also baffles Karl. His alter ego would be Brett Hanson with an afro wig and glasses, to escape the Mafia after the trial. Like the genius that he is, Pilkington says that he'd assume the disguise of Brett Hanson in the trial, and then go back to Karl Pilkingtom afterwards, the reverse of what happens now. However, he says that he might go on the Witness Protection Scheme if Suzanne changed her haircut. Gervais says that Pilky's idea is genius, but I can't tell if he's sincere or not.

8. Karl Versus Jacko

It's "The Film Thing". Karl is acting alongside Jack Nicholson in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", who gives Karl's head a squoze. Pilkington gets annoyed, and tells the doctor to call Jacko off. Karl says that Jack will never crack his head like an egg. The question is what grade Karl got in History for GCSE.

9. Vigilante Chimp

A text sarcastically says that the trio's "clever homophobice material" is "genius". Steve says that it's definitely not clever. Gervais says that Karl is bad for his reputation, and gets him in trouble, like the incident where a woman with a large head heard Karl slagging her off and complained. Steve says that the woman is a bigger person than Karl, certainly in the head. Ricky says that Karl is mental but not malicious, except towards Steve. The Manc does Monkey News. A chimp in the 1950's was knockin' about in L.A, wearing a golden mask and a cape to disguise his simian features. The monkey acted as a vigilante, and everything was going well until it helped some people out and demanded bananas as a reward. The people pulled his mask off to reveal a monkey, who was not allowed to work for the police anymore. Steve tells the meaning of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", from a nursery rhyme. "1,2,3,4,5,6,7, all good children go to heaven/ Some fly east, some fly west, some fly over the Cuckoo's Nest." The show ends.

Playlist

Don't Believe A Word - Thin Lizzy

All Possibilities - Badly Drawn Boy

Girl I Want To Be With You - The Kinks

Hey Ya - Outkast

Wonderwall -Ryan Adams

Fortune's Faded - RHCP

P.I.M.P - 50 Cent

There There - Radiohead

Hardest Button To Button - White Stripes

Don't Look Back Into The sun - The Libertines

Blinded By The Stars - The Pernice Brothers

Extras

Transcript Here When It's Done

Download

http://www.sendspace.com/file/kr80hr

http://www.f-forge.com?d=8CT54fLHrnkbYaeqmF7I

http://rapidshare.de/files/31179295/s03e03.mp3

External Links

• More info on this episode from Xfm.co.uk