05 July 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 05 July 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

That's One Family Who Love Manchester

Ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Stop on XFM. Karl's back, he's cheering up a little bit. It's- I think he's vented his spleen a little bit on cities around the world that aren't as good as Manchester. So, is any of your family left in Manchester, because they all moved away, didn't they? You came here, your dad moved to Wales, for Christ's sake. Were your family all around- your brother joined the Army to get anywhere, "just take me anywhere".

Karl: I don't know where he is.

Ricky: His sister's moved away, so noone-

Karl: And- yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, there you go. You see? Soo? That's just one family.

Steve chuckles.

Ricky: That's just- that's- that's one family who love Manchester.

Steve: (laughing)Exactly.

Ricky: Alright?

Steve chuckles.

Karl: Tell you what, Steve.

Steve: Go on.

Karl: What I did found out in the week.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: World record, right? Uhh, person with the longest trump.

Ricky snorts.

Steve: With the longest what?

Karl: Wind. Fart.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Right? Two minutes forty-two was the world record.

Steve: Okay? Yeah.

Karl: Alright?

Steve: Well, I am immediately thinking of one of a relative of yours who I'm sure did longer than that.

Karl: Who still lives in Manchester.

Ricky: Auntie Nora.

Steve: Now, auntie Nora did for five minutes, wasn't it?

Ricky: Five minutes, unfortunately she was the only person in the room. Whereas I think- which one's alive, Ross or Norris --?

Steve: Uhm, I'm not sure.

Ricky: He has to be there.

Steve: Yeah, I think she actually has t-

Ricky: He has to be there-

Karl: Would you wanna be there?

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Well, he'd have sorta equipment, looking at his watch, going: Finished? She'd go: Yeah. Goes: That was four minutes 59 sec-

Steve: Imagine she'd go from like a size ten to a size 6.

Ricky: (laughs)She would just-

Steve: Just shed some old dresses.

Ricky: That- like a hovercraft.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: A big dress-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Slightly off. Yeah. So it has to be invigilated.

Steve: But again,you know, how was the Guinness book of world records one invigilated. Who- who's supervising that.

Ricky: He said: I can fart for two minutes, they went: Well, we got to see this, went 'round, and he probably just let it rip. It's probably circular breathing. It's probably sort of sucking in air and swallowing as he's going, and it's a continuous one, it isn't like- yeah.

Karl: Yeah, when me- said, you know, that's Nora that's happened, me auntie Nora, had a little bit of wind, went on for like two and a half minutes.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: That's when she called me mum.

Steve laughing.

Steve: As it was still going on.

Karl: -and said: There's something that's not right here-

Ricky: I'm leaking.

Karl: -and, she said: Oh, could you send me dad 'round. You know, my dad.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: -said to me mum.

Steve: -with a cork.

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: And-

Ricky: With a lighter.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (laughing)This should be the best one ever.

Steve: I wanna show the kids somehthing.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: He said: I'm gonna be there in a bit, get the windows open.

Steve and Ricky: Both laughing.

Karl: But what it was down to, cause I was talking to me Mum and Dad-

Ricky: Is she the one with the split tennisball.

Steve: Can we not talk about that.

Karl: So I was talking to me mum and dad about it, saying, you know, why did that thing happen and that. And it's because she- she never chucks food away. Right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And she sort of mash it all up. And she's got all these ice cream tubs in the fridge that are just full.

Ricky: Cabbage water(?)

Karl: -of mashed up food.

Steve: (surprised)Really?

Karl: -and she prepares everything, right? She doesn't work, she's retired now. She's got nothin' to do all day but everything's gotta be ready.

Ricky: Still calls in sick.

Steve chuckles.

Karl: Do you know what I mean, everything's gotta be done even though- if you going round to her house, and you're going there for tea, it's like: What time you coming around. Well, I don't know, maybe 5 maybe 6. You-

Ricky: Yeah, you're late- you're late when you have to meet us at 5 or 6.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean? That's what-

Steve: I'm sorry, so did you say she mashes up food. She literally takes the remnants of a dinner to be sort of-

Karl: Anything.

Steve: -and just smashes it all up into a-

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: -and then what does she do with it?

Karl: Put it in the fridge. In the fridge she has got like January, February, March. She's got all these ice cream boxes that are just full of-

Steve: But she doesn't just- she reheats anything-

Karl: Oh, then she-

Steve: She's not just keeping it as a souvenir for each meal she's had.

Karl: No, put it in the pan, warm it up.

Steve: Oh, that's grotesque.

Karl: And that's what it is, it's just-

Steve: --

Ricky: Lot of vegetation, is it?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Why if it happened once, and she saved it up, once a year let it go.

Karl: I- I dunno really. But she is mad. She is-

Steve: Yes, she sounds potters.

Karl: She won't answer the phone anymore, cause of the burglars. Checking if she's in.

Steve howls

Karl: Just like, answer it then they'll know you are in.--

Steve: (laughing)Yeah.

Karl: Mental.

Ricky: They can't be sure, though, can they?

Karl: What d'ya mean?

Ricky: Well, if it's no- they go: Someone just- they are over there hiding, whereas if auntie Nora goes: This is auntie Nora, we can nick- she'll be farting. We can sneak in when she does a loud one.

Steve laughs.

Ricky: Cause she'd be- we be (wary) of the telly. What's stopping it, it's got a valance around it, it's got (court and a cap).

Karl: So, have he got the recap on Rockbuster, or-?

Steve: --

Ricky: No, don't. Has anyone got the right answers?

Steve: I think-

Ricky: Did anyone get the right answers?

Steve: Let me just check here...(laughs)There is from someone who just says, uh, he's given an answer. Answer to number 1: "I"; number 2:"don't"; number three:"care".

Ricky: Right, okay. Is he close? Has anyone got three answers?

Steve: I can't find one with three answers.

Ricky: So again, you've done summat wrong, Karl.

Steve: No...(browsing)di-di-do. No.

Ricky: This isn't radio. This isn't radio, play a record.

Karl: There you go, someone's got it.

Ricky: Give it to them.

Steve: Fine, gives us the clues again,- -

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: No fanning around.

Ricky: Yeah, -- pointless.

Karl: Right. Number one-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -all the police cars are on fire-

Ricky: B.S.

Karl: B.S.

Ricky: Yeah. What was that?

Steve: I can think of something.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Blazin' Squad.

Ricky: Brilliant.--

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Uh, the director of 28 Days Later is shoutin' about sleepin' outside.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: That's: Dan-yell bed-in-field.Right?

Steve starts howling.

Steve: Dan-yell bed-in-field.

Ricky: We'll never-Right. We'll never let him do this again.

Steve: I told you, I washed my hands of it.

Ricky: I know, but I thought-

Steve: Why do you-

Ricky: Because he was grumpy.

Steve: But this is what happens- look, what's happened. Dan-yell bed-in-field. That's what- that's what happened-

Ricky: The director of- so,so, Danny Boyle, so Dan,right, all that for Dan. But shouting about Dan-yell bed-in-field.Right? What's the last one.

Karl: He wants to be a sailor, why is that?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Be-yonc-e.

Steve: (amused)What does that mean?

Karl: Be-on-sea. He wants to be on the sea.

Ricky: Play a record. You're never doing it again.

Steve: I just can't-

Ricky: Just signed your death warrent. You're never doing Rockbusters again. And if Monkey News- we're about to ban that as well.

Steve: --

Ricky: And we're serious this time.

Karl: Joe in Catford, stuff off to you.

Steve: --

Ricky: (sniggering)Can't even doing the shout-out.

Karl: You won, well done an' that.

Steve: What have we done, what have we done.

Song: World Party - Is It Like Today?.