05 July 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 05 July 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Mancunians Take More Sick Days

Song: TBA

Ricky: Ah, proper rock band. Best band since Thin Lizzy. The Darkness.

Steve: Big words.

Ricky: Growing on me, XFM 104.9.

Steve: A bit rash, I thought.

Ricky: Aah- R Gervais, S Merchant, K Pilkington. With a little bit of- I know- I know that you're for a fact that Steve's getting a little bit..sick of Karl's attitude.

Steve: Oh, his attitude--alwasy

Ricky: (laughing)He is. I quite like it though, cause it's straight away friction, and he's sort of like- you know-

Steve: To be fair I genuinely don't think I'm the culprit in this. I think I come in, and just ask him a simple request-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -and immediately on my back. Whinging, moaning, whining. And I don't know if there's any evidence-

Ricky: Well, it's funny you should say that, actually, because-

Steve: Some report-

Ricky: -a survey came out, yea, this week it's quite extensive.Uhm, Mancuians take more six- sick days than anyone else. Mancuians take more sick days than workers in any other city in Britain and Ireland according to Manchester-based employment firm. Survey, uhm, by Peninsula found workers in Manchester take 11 sick days per year, whereas closest rival was Edinborough and Dublin, uhm, take an average of nine. Liverpool, Newcastle, Birmingham only eight.

Steve: Is ?? mentioned there?

Ricky: No. It's not even in there, they don't-

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: -take days off. Erm- London is only seven, so the point is- I mean, I don't even take anything from it, but if you're an employer and you had a Mancunian and a Liverpudlian and they were equal on everything else, but you really couldn't afford them to be away. Liverpudlians are porbably gonna be away for eight days.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Hpfm.

Ricky: The Mancs are gonna be away for 11, gonna get sick and-

Steve: So what can you-

Ricky: --

Steve: What would you extrapolate from that?

Ricky: I-I really don't know, call me if you've got any clues, or email us if you got any- I think maybe(sighs) I don't know, Mancunians just-

Steve: We don't know many people from Manchester.

Ricky: Well, we know one, but I know he was off sick, because he put on wet trousers and he got the cold.

Steve: He got the cold, I think.

Ricky: Well, he just said that he's-

Steve: Yeah..

Ricky: -come in for-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He left early, as well.

Steve: Yeah, yea, yea.

Ricky: Uhm, but I don't know, that's the survey. I don't know, I mean it's evidence, cause it's statistics, so.. there you go.

Steve: Scanty evidence ?? proof.

Ricky: So..any thoughts on that? [email protected] .

Steve: Hold on, you're from Manchester, Karl?

Karl: Yeah, I am, yea,yeah.

Steve: What are your thoughts on that?

Karl: On what, sorry?

Steve: On the sruvey.

Karl: Ouh. Wasn't really listening.

Ricky: Mancunians take off more sick days, they call in sick, I mean, presumably spuriously.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: They got the same body, ?? the same, so-

Steve: --

Ricky: -some of the days, yeah. Three extra they're making up.

Steve: Yeah, they're moany.

Karl: It's because we work alot 'arder than the others, so we're tired, so you're sick, so you need time off.

Ricky: Ou-well.

Steve: Probably likely.

Karl: I mean the Scousers, to be honest, yeah, take them on let them work in your office-

Ricky sniggers

Karl: -but, you know, how many computers are gonna go missing!

Ricky: Well, that!-

Steve: So offensive.

Ricky: -is so offensive. This is a- no, this is a survey that proved you just made that up, you just ?? on the myth that Liverpudlians thieve. Now, that's just- that's not true. That is not true.

Karl: Well.

Ricky: It's not

Steve: --some of ??

Ricky: There's been no survey- you're more likely to thieve if you're from Liverpool than from Manchester, that hasn't been proven yet, so- all I've got is the evidence from a survey, I think three and a half thousand people. It's proof that people fr- Mancunians take off more sick days. XFM 104.9. This is April Come She Will by Simon & Garfunkel.

Song: April Come She Will - Simon & Garfunkel

That's One Family Who Love Manchester

Ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Stop on XFM. Karl's back, he's cheering up a little bit. It's- I think he's vented his spleen a little bit on cities around the world that aren't as good as Manchester. So, is any of your family left in Manchester, because they all moved away, didn't they? You came here, your dad moved to Wales, for Christ's sake. Were your family all around- your brother joined the Army to get anywhere, "just take me anywhere".

Karl: I don't know where he is.

Ricky: His sister's moved away, so noone-

Karl: And- yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, there you go. You see? Soo? That's just one family.

Steve chuckles.

Ricky: That's just- that's- that's one family who love Manchester.

Steve: (laughing)Exactly.

Ricky: Alright?

Steve chuckles.

Karl: Tell you what, Steve.

Steve: Go on.

Karl: What I did found out in the week.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: World record, right? Uhh, person with the longest trump.

Ricky snorts.

Steve: With the longest what?

Karl: Wind. Fart.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Right? Two minutes forty-two was the world record.

Steve: Okay? Yeah.

Karl: Alright?

Steve: Well, I am immediately thinking of one of a relative of yours who I'm sure did longer than that.

Karl: Who still lives in Manchester.

Ricky: Auntie Nora.

Steve: Now, auntie Nora did for five minutes, wasn't it?

Ricky: Five minutes, unfortunately she was the only person in the room. Whereas I think- which one's alive, Ross or Norris --?

Steve: Uhm, I'm not sure.

Ricky: He has to be there.

Steve: Yeah, I think she actually has t-

Ricky: He has to be there-

Karl: Would you wanna be there?

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Well, he'd have sorta equipment, looking at his watch, going: Finished? She'd go: Yeah. Goes: That was four minutes 59 sec-

Steve: Imagine she'd go from like a size ten to a size 6.

Ricky: (laughs)She would just-

Steve: Just shed some old dresses.

Ricky: That- like a hovercraft.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: A big dress-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Slightly off. Yeah. So it has to be invigilated.

Steve: But again,you know, how was the Guinness book of world records one invigilated. Who- who's supervising that.

Ricky: He said: I can fart for two minutes, they went: Well, we got to see this, went 'round, and he probably just let it rip. It's probably circular breathing. It's probably sort of sucking in air and swallowing as he's going, and it's a continuous one, it isn't like- yeah.

Karl: Yeah, when me- said, you know, that's Nora that's happened, me auntie Nora, had a little bit of wind, went on for like two and a half minutes.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: That's when she called me mum.

Steve laughing.

Steve: As it was still going on.

Karl: -and said: There's something that's not right here-

Ricky: I'm leaking.

Karl: -and, she said: Oh, could you send me dad 'round. You know, my dad.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: -said to me mum.

Steve: -with a cork.

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: And-

Ricky: With a lighter.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (laughing)This should be the best one ever.

Steve: I wanna show the kids somehthing.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: He said: I'm gonna be there in a bit, get the windows open.

Steve and Ricky: Both laughing.

Karl: But what it was down to, cause I was talking to me Mum and Dad-

Ricky: Is she the one with the split tennisball.

Steve: Can we not talk about that.

Karl: So I was talking to me mum and dad about it, saying, you know, why did that thing happen and that. And it's because she- she never chucks food away. Right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And she sort of mash it all up. And she's got all these ice cream tubs in the fridge that are just full.

Ricky: Cabbage water(?)

Karl: -of mashed up food.

Steve: (surprised)Really?

Karl: -and she prepares everything, right? She doesn't work, she's retired now. She's got nothin' to do all day but everything's gotta be ready.

Ricky: Still calls in sick.

Steve chuckles.

Karl: Do you know what I mean, everything's gotta be done even though- if you going round to her house, and you're going there for tea, it's like: What time you coming around. Well, I don't know, maybe 5 maybe 6. You-

Ricky: Yeah, you're late- you're late when you have to meet us at 5 or 6.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean? That's what-

Steve: I'm sorry, so did you say she mashes up food. She literally takes the remnants of a dinner to be sort of-

Karl: Anything.

Steve: -and just smashes it all up into a-

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: -and then what does she do with it?

Karl: Put it in the fridge. In the fridge she has got like January, February, March. She's got all these ice cream boxes that are just full of-

Steve: But she doesn't just- she reheats anything-

Karl: Oh, then she-

Steve: She's not just keeping it as a souvenir for each meal she's had.

Karl: No, put it in the pan, warm it up.

Steve: Oh, that's grotesque.

Karl: And that's what it is, it's just-

Steve: --

Ricky: Lot of vegetation, is it?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Why if it happened once, and she saved it up, once a year let it go.

Karl: I- I dunno really. But she is mad. She is-

Steve: Yes, she sounds potters.

Karl: She won't answer the phone anymore, cause of the burglars. Checking if she's in.

Steve howls

Karl: Just like, answer it then they'll know you are in.--

Steve: (laughing)Yeah.

Karl: Mental.

Ricky: They can't be sure, though, can they?

Karl: What d'ya mean?

Ricky: Well, if it's no- they go: Someone just- they are over there hiding, whereas if auntie Nora goes: This is auntie Nora, we can nick- she'll be farting. We can sneak in when she does a loud one.

Steve laughs.

Ricky: Cause she'd be- we be (wary) of the telly. What's stopping it, it's got a valance around it, it's got (court and a cap).

Karl: So, have he got the recap on Rockbuster, or-?

Steve: --

Ricky: No, don't. Has anyone got the right answers?

Steve: I think-

Ricky: Did anyone get the right answers?

Steve: Let me just check here...(laughs)There is from someone who just says, uh, he's given an answer. Answer to number 1: "I"; number 2:"don't"; number three:"care".

Ricky: Right, okay. Is he close? Has anyone got three answers?

Steve: I can't find one with three answers.

Ricky: So again, you've done summat wrong, Karl.

Steve: No...(browsing)di-di-do. No.

Ricky: This isn't radio. This isn't radio, play a record.

Karl: There you go, someone's got it.

Ricky: Give it to them.

Steve: Fine, gives us the clues again,- -

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: No fanning around.

Ricky: Yeah, -- pointless.

Karl: Right. Number one-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -all the police cars are on fire-

Ricky: B.S.

Karl: B.S.

Ricky: Yeah. What was that?

Steve: I can think of something.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Blazin' Squad.

Ricky: Brilliant.--

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Uh, the director of 28 Days Later is shoutin' about sleepin' outside.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: That's: Dan-yell bed-in-field.Right?

Steve starts howling.

Steve: Dan-yell bed-in-field.

Ricky: We'll never-Right. We'll never let him do this again.

Steve: I told you, I washed my hands of it.

Ricky: I know, but I thought-

Steve: Why do you-

Ricky: Because he was grumpy.

Steve: But this is what happens- look, what's happened. Dan-yell bed-in-field. That's what- that's what happened-

Ricky: The director of- so,so, Danny Boyle, so Dan,right, all that for Dan. But shouting about Dan-yell bed-in-field.Right? What's the last one.

Karl: He wants to be a sailor, why is that?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Be-yonc-e.

Steve: (amused)What does that mean?

Karl: Be-on-sea. He wants to be on the sea.

Ricky: Play a record. You're never doing it again.

Steve: I just can't-

Ricky: Just signed your death warrent. You're never doing Rockbusters again. And if Monkey News- we're about to ban that as well.

Steve: --

Ricky: And we're serious this time.

Karl: Joe in Catford, stuff off to you.

Steve: --

Ricky: (sniggering)Can't even doing the shout-out.

Karl: You won, well done an' that.

Steve: What have we done, what have we done.

Song: World Party - Is It Like Today?.