Tape 1 Side A/Transcript

This is a transcript of Tape 1 Side A, from Xfm Series 0.

What's Coming Up

Ricky: Got a great show. Uh, went shopping yesterday.

Steve: Oh right, yeah.

Ricky: Uh... got Wesley Willis.

Steve: Ohh, it's beautiful-

Ricky: I found it-

Steve: I can't believe it.

Ricky: Yeah, Wesley Willis, Rock 'n' Roll Will Never Die, I'll be playing some-

Steve: You'll be playing some Wesley.

Ricky: I dunno whether to play Hootie and the Blowfish, Kurt Cobain, Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd... they're all the same song,

Steve: (laughs) it's interesting because Gervais, you know in the time that we've been on we've had a lot of new listeners joining us, and they haven't perhaps heard Wesley Willis.

Ricky: No.

Steve: What a treat they've got in store.

Ricky: Well I'll explain that a little bit later. I've also um-

Steve: Wesley Willis is here. Ohh.

Ricky: Once again I was struggling, you know as I er, don't plan the show obviously.

Steve: Of course.

Ricky: Um, but my book exchange in the courtyard of my house,

Steve: Oh, of course.

Ricky: It's come through again.

Steve: Briliiant.

Ricky: I've got a little book here.

Steve: Now what did you- what was the last book you got from the book exchange?

Ricky: Um... err...

Steve: How To-

Ricky: How To Beat PMT By Diet.

Steve: How To Beat PMT By Diet.

Ricky: Which I could give away, I've got that at home, that'd be a great prize one day.

Steve: A wonderful prize, a lot of women would look forward to that.

Ricky: It's a little paperback here - Doris Stokes, Voices In My Ear.

Steve: (laughs) I'm intrigued.

Ricky: "The autobiography of a medium" - a medium what, I don't- I don't know. But I've gotta read you the bit off the back, you'll love this, okay, "She's helped to solve murder cases. She filled the Sydney Opera House three nights in a row." it doesn't say with what. "Once, she even had to convince a man he was dead."

Both laugh

Ricky: "Now she's written her own astonishing life story. Her name is Doris Stokes." I'll be reading little excerpts from that.

Steve: Wait, I just I mean-

Ricky: What?

Steve: I dunno if you've read it but-

Ricky: I haven't.

Steve: Why did she have to convince a man he was dead-

Ricky: I don't know, it's in there.

Steve: But how did she do it?

Ricky: I don't know. Well that's just one of the uh, little questions we'll be asking,

Steve: Ohh-

Ricky: On XFM.

Steve: If you c-

Ricky: 104.9

Steve: Before you do that-

Wesley Willis

Ricky: XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais Show, I'm Ricky Gervais and I've got Wesley Willis's well, one of his LPs, I think he's actually recorded about 4000 songs.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Now the thing is, this is quite true, he's a chronic schizophrenic and he's often troubled by demons that dicatate what he can do and what can't be done, uh, the demons, sometimes when Wesley Willis is travelling on airplanes tell him that his music is no good, and on occasion have forced him to destroy musical instruments. Now-

Steve: Can I just stop you there, I don't think it's demons telling him his music's no good.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: I think that's members of the public, anyone who's bought his albums.

Ricky: Ohh... and he's released 14 CDs, um, by himself, he just makes them up and sells them, it's fantastic. This is um, uhhh... the first track on Rock 'n' Roll Will Never Die, it's called um, Hootie and the Blowfish.

Steve: Excellent, it's classic.

Ricky: It is.

Hootie and the Blowfish by Wesley Willis is played

Steve: "Hootie, Hootie, Hootie and the Blowfish"!

Ricky: Um, after High Llamas I'll play Kurt Cobain.

Steve: Excellent.

Song: High Llamas - Checking In, Checking Out

KUUUUUUURT COOOOOOBAIN

Kurt Cobain by Wesley Willis is played

Steve: "...Kurt Cobain!"

Ricky: That's uh, Kurt Cobain.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: That's actually by um, Wesley Willis.

Steve: Really, is that Wesley Willis?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Fantastic, well I'm gonna try and-

Ricky: I think he's written a song about Nirvana aswell.

Steve: Let me have a look on here, I've got the album here, uhh no I think it's- on this partcular album- oh no, you're right, no Kurt Cobain is track 2, track 3 is Nirvana.

Ricky: Oh hold on then, let's-

Steve: Called, quite simply, "Nirvana", let's perhaps have a listen to that.

Ricky: Hold on, wait a minute-

Steve: Wonder if that's sort of different, wonder what kind of um, interpretation he gives to that particular band.

Ricky: Hold on-

Steve: And I wonder how he sort of utilizes-

Ricky: I dunno how to do this, I don't know how to work this machine.

Steve: You don't know how to do it? Well perhaps we should leave it Gervais, come back to it. Don't feel pressurised, I know we're keen to hear Wesley.

Ricky: I know-

Steve: But don't feel pressure.

Ricky: It won't let me do it.

Steve: There's no pressure on you Gervais, I know you're getting a bit panicky now I can see the sweat on your forehead...

Ricky: Why doesn't it- why doesn't it do what I think?

Steve: Well-

Ricky: Why do I have to actually press buttons and it doesn't know what I want?

Steve: No- well that's because you're not Doris Stokes, Gervais.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: You cannot use telekinesis to run this radio show.

Ricky: Hold on, this is- this should be-

Steve: So is this- ahh, it's Nirvana.

Nirvana by Wesley Willis is played

Ricky: Very similar to-

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Well it would be, wouldn't it?

Steve: ..."Nirvana Nirvana"?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He gets about, mind. He sees a lot of gigs and he seems to know how many people were there, fantastic.

Ricky: Well um, it's 20 past 4, it's the Ricky Gervais Show and um, next is (singing like Wesley Willis) TRAAAAAVIIIIIS, TRAAAAVIIIIIS, TRAAAAVIIIS!

Steve: Gervais, you're never gonna be Wesley Willis.

Ricky: (laughs)

Song: Travis - More Than Us

Voices in my Ear

Ricky: Steve, my show researcher, you're meant to have found out why Doris Stokes had to convince a man he was dead.

Steve: Gervais, I've been looking through Voices In My Ear - The Autobiography of Doris Stokes, the Famous Medium and I must say it's a fascinating read.

Ricky: It's an autobiography, and it's by someone.

Steve: Yeah I know.

Ricky: And not by Doris Stokes, what happened there?

Steve: Doris was too busy contacting the other side, Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, but to basically let me just answer that, yeah, on the back it does say that once Doris had to convince a man he was dead, it's not as interesting as it sounds.

Ricky: Aw.

Steve: He was dead,

Ricky: Well obviously.

Steve: And she saw him you know, and he wasn't- she- ...big group of people, and he was like a ghostly figure and he said, "I'm not dead." and she went, "You are dead, get out. You've embarrassed yours-"

Ricky: You've had a similar argument with someone haven't ya, at a dinner party.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. You proved her wrong though, didn't you?

Steve: Mmhm.

Ricky: So she just- that happens a lot though, some people don't believe they're de- you know what it's like.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You go to the afterlife, noone tells ya!

Steve: I know.

Ricky: You're walking round, "You're dead, mate!" "Don't be stupid." ...you know.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: She had to actually push the coffin lid down apparently. Viagra, he died of.

Steve: I'm reading here about one of her first paranormal experiences, she moved into a house with her husband, there were ghostly apparitions there in the house right, and it was haunted, she didn't mind, there was an old ghost called Polly,

Ricky: Yeah, Polly the ghost, yeah.

Steve: Anyway so um, Mrs. Johnson from nearby comes in, and she's making a cake basically, and she says um, "We chatted for a moment, 'Any more trouble lately, with the ghost?' said Mrs. Johnson. 'No, old Polly's been quiet for quite a while now.' but the words were hardly out of my mouth when the bowl of eggs I was baking with-"

Ricky: (gasps) Not the bowl of eggs!

Steve: "...was torn from my hands and hurled across the room."

Ricky: Ohh...

Steve: "Instinctively I dived after it, did a flying tackle,"

Ricky: (laughs) On the bowl of eggs?

Steve: "And caught it before it hit the ground." And I must say that Doris at this point has already lost pair of tights.

Ricky: Oh no!

Steve: Polly's already had a pair of tights!

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: Now the eggs are in danger.

Ricky: Oh God!

Steve: "'You can just stop that, Polly!' I yelled furiously and slammed the bowl of eggs on the table. She'd already cost me a pair of stockings, she wasn't spilling my eggs as well."

Ricky: Oh, that's gotta be a euphemism, that's gotta be a dirty book.

Steve: Doris Stokes there, fighting the paranormal.

Ricky: You can't libel the dead so say what you want.

Steve: Can we?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You can't libel the dead?

Ricky: No.

Steve: So we can slag off Doris Stokes?

Ricky: You could say she drank buckets of um... just after the break, we've got Oasis.

Steve: (laughs)

Song: Oasis -

You Can't Libel the Dead

Steve: You mean to tell me you can't libel the dead?

Ricky: You can't libel the dead, no.

Steve: I don't believe that for one moment.

Ricky: You can't, it's true.

Steve: That's ridiculous!

Ricky: It doesn't mean you can say- there's certain stuff you can't say anyway whether they're true or not, it's taste and decency and- I couldn't- you couldn't say, "Doris Stokes drank copious amounts of horse spunk." cos you couldn't actually say that on the radio cos that'd be offensive anyway.

Steve: But could I say, I mean, Catherine Cookson died recently.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Can I say that Catherine Cookson used to bend over the sink, and her husband would- I mean can I..?

Ricky: Ye- well, again, taste and decency. You know, you couldn't be sued for it, like, let's see, um... you could say "Doris Stokes was a smackhead", for example.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: You know.

Steve: It's not very interesting though.

Ricky: No cos it's true.

Steve: Yeah, excatly.

Ricky: She used to jack up all over the place.

Steve: And she used to- I mean the trips she used to take.

Ricky: Oh God.

Steve: All that nonsense about seeing and speaking to people on the other side, that's rubbish!

Ricky: Yeah, she was off her tits!

Steve: LSD, my love.

Ricky: Yeah.

I Was Dropped on My Head as a Kid?

A phone conversation with Ricky's mum is played

Ricky's mum: Hello?

Ricky: Hello.

Ricky's mum: Hello...

Ricky: Did you listen to it?

Ricky's mum: I listened to it,

Ricky: Yeah?

Ricky's mum: And you told me you don't swear.

Ricky: What did I say?

Ricky's mum: You said "bastard".

Ricky: No that's alright, that's not swearing.

Ricky's mum: Ain't it?

Ricky: No, it's illigitimate child.

Ricky's mum: Oh, that's what you called that thief.

Ricky: What did I say?

Ricky's mum: "You bastard" or sommet.

Ricky: Why did I say that, I can't remember.

Ricky's mum: ...Nor can I now.

Ricky: Oh I know, cos he- his uncle bought him something and he told him he didn't like it.

Ricky's mum: Oh yeah, and he didn't appreciate it.

Ricky: No. Ain't that nasty though? Old bloke he's got wooden teeth apparently.

Ricky's mum: (laughs) He's got what?

Ricky: He's got wooden teeth. Or that's his grandad, his grandad's got wooden teeth or something and he's got 3 left.

Ricky's mum: (laughs)

Ricky: And he said they have to cook meat for 8 hours so he can suck it.

Ricky's mum: (laughs) You're blinkin' terrible.

Ricky: I better start thinking of some um, things that have happened to Bob, hadn't I? So I can get him involved.

Ricky's mum: Well he was a 'orrible little git.

Ricky: Who, Bob?

Ricky's mum: Bob was.

Ricky: Why, what did he do?

Ricky's mum: I remember he had you up the hallway with Peter Miller, teasing you, and dropped you on your head!

Ricky: ...I was dropped on my head when I was a kid?

Ricky's mum: (laughs)

Ricky: How old was I?

Ricky's mum: You must have only been 2 or 3. Dropped you up the hallway.

Ricky: And what did you do?

Ricky's mum: Belted him.

Both laugh

Ricky: What did he say then?

Ricky's mum: Dunno

Ricky: What did I... did I-

Ricky's mum: He was only playing.

Ricky: I landed on my head, right, and what did I do, was I unconscious or did I cry or-

Ricky's mum: No, you though it was funny.

Ricky: (laughs) Good job I landed on my head innit?

Steve: ...Are you gonna continue to exploit your mother on the radio for cheap laughs?

Ricky: Yes.

Steve: You are?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That phonecall, a lot of questions were raised,

Ricky: What?

Steve: The first one obviously that springs to mind, you were dropped on your head as a child.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It answers a lot of questions.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Gervais, you know cos I did think-

Ricky: I don't even know who Peter Miller is.

Steve: I-

Ricky: Where is Peter Miller now, who is he?

Steve: Let me be honest with you, I wanna- can I just be honest and confess something to you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I have been making enquiries cos I thought you had Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: I did. I thought you had CJD. I'm absolutely earnest and serious about this, right, cos my dad once, we thought he might be ill, and we checked over and it was terrible, I thought it was a terrible moment, I felt sick,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And that's exactly what I felt like with you.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Um... no. But I did think you might have CJD, and I've been making enquiries,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The symptoms seem to be there Gervais, you can barely string a sentence together,

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: You're slovenly, look at you, I mean- d'you know what I mean, you let yourself go, you forget to wash,

Ricky: I- I stagger home,

Steve: You stagger home every night, you don't finish sentences,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You- d'you know what I mean- pointing in that directon.

Ricky: So do you think I've got C Day Jee... B... Sc... right? From the agricultural college. Three BScs. 0171580

Steve: 2000! Remember how it works?

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: 01715802000 Please can somebody who knows about these things analyse Ricky Gervais's symptoms and find out- there's gotta be something wrong with him, we think maybe now that he was dropped on his head as a child, that's perhaps a clue. If you're a medical person, if you've done some research into this, please give us a call, find out what's wrong with Gervais before it's too late. Perhaps it is too late, Gervais, you know, you're not a young man anymore, you're 37+, umm... you're a goner! Umm... and so yeah, give us a call, 0171580... Oh my God it's catching.

Ricky: (laughs)

Like Muttley

Ricky's mum: Remember the ten you built out the back?

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky's mum: (laughs)

Ricky: And I remember I didn't know- didn't get it till I was 18, Marsha had put the caption in the photo album, "Ricky's camp."

Ricky's mum: Oh yeah!

Ricky: You know I'm taping this, don't ya?

Ricky's mum: Oh, not again!

Ricky: Yeah!

Ricky's mum: ...Good job I ain't swearing then ain't it?

Ricky: You did, you said at the beginning, see I'm gonna take that out of context, it's just gonna be you going "bastard", just like I've got you saying "arse".

Ricky's mum: (laughs)

Ricky: Listen to that Muttley!

Ricky's mum: (laughs)

Ricky: Listen to that!

Ricky's mum: Well I'm asthmatic ain't I?

Ricky: (mimicking her) "I'm asthmatic ain't I?" (breathes deep)

Ricky's mum: (laughs)

Ricky: Ohh, listen- right I'm gonna shut up, just laugh for a minute, just laugh.

Ricky's mum: (laughing) I can't.

Ricky: ...What did you call me?

Ricky's mum: I said I can't!

Ricky: You can't say that on the radio!

Ricky's mum: What?

Ricky: That word you said.

Ricky's mum: "I can't"?

Ricky: S-stop it! You can't swear on the radio and that's wha-

Ricky's mum: I'm not saying what you think I'm saying!

Ricky: What are you saying?

Ricky's mum: "I can't stop it!"

Both laugh

Ricky's mum: You're disgusting, you are.

Ricky: (laughs like Muttley) "Rick Rastardly!"

Ricky's mum: (laughs)

Ricky: Remember that time you were coughing and you *hack* coughed up like that, and you killed next door's cat?

Ricky's mum: Oh you liar!

Ricky: It was a little bit of hard lung that shot out, they reckon-

Ricky's mum: I've never gone that far.

Ricky: (laughs)

Ricky's mum: You're disgusting.

Ricky: Right I'd better go then.

Ricky's mum: Right.

Ricky: Alright then I'll see you later.

Ricky's mum: Cheerio.

Ricky: Bye.

Compilation of Ricky's mum laughing

Song: The Smiths -

It's Only 2 Feet Deep!

Ricky: Classic Smiths.

Steve: It's terrifying.

Ricky: What?

Steve: It really is, your relations.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: I mean alright, so mine- you know, my relations alright, their faces aren't symmetrical,

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: But at least they don't have wheezy weird laughs like that.

Ricky: Yeah I know and drop people on their heads.

Steve: Drop people on their head.

Ricky: Right I've gotta tell you, I wish I was taping her today, she called me today, she went, "Ain't heard of you for a while." I said "I called you last week." "No you didn't" I said "Well, just bef- thursday" "Yep. Anyway, I went swimming Wednesday."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: I went, "Did you, where?" She went, "In the fish pond."

Both laugh

Ricky: Totally true, I went, "What?" she went "I fell in, it was up to me neck!" And I could hear me nephew shouting, "It's only 2 foot deep!"

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Right, it's a little fish pond , like, it's like about- it's not even 2 foot deep it's about 8 inches deep and she went- I'm pissing myself, she was going, "Well I was cutting back the lavender, right, and three frogs jumped at me!"

Steve: "Three frogs jumped at me"?

Ricky: (laughs) Yeah. I dunno if she meant- anyway right, so-

Steve: Three frenchmen hiding in your garden.

Ricky: (laughing) I know yeah, that's what I was gonna say! I thought "No, that's a racial slur."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Um, but anyway-

Steve: No because they- no, because french people do-

Ricky: Like to hide in lavender and frighten 73 year old women-

Steve: Of course, everybody knows that.

Ricky: It's a well known fact.

Steve: They lurk around, ready to attack.

Ricky: In stripy white and blue t-shirts and berets with onions, yeah. Anyway, these three frogs-

Steve: I mean I tell you, who was it, that dead president of France, what's his name, the one with the big nose?

Ricky: You know what he used to do,

Steve: Well exactly.

Ricky: He used to drink bucketfuls of- anyway right-

Steve: You can do it, cos he's- he's dead.

Ricky: Yeah. He gone.

Steve: Anyway.

Ricky: Um, so she went, "And I went in, and I fell in, and I was sitting on the bottom, it was coming up to my neck." And she went "I tried to get out, but it was all algae on the side and I kept slipping back in!", right? So my dad says, "Lee, help your nan!" (laughs) "And I got out-" and I said, "put Lee on." And I was speaking to my nephew, he said, "She went into the pond, right", and said "She floundered around, right, and she got out and she wal- she ran to the kitchen, she dropped all her clothes and ran upstairs naked cos she thought she might have leeches on her!"

Both laugh

Steve: "Leeches"?

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: She's not Humphrey Bogart in The African Queen!

Ricky: She said "It wouldn't have mattered if it was house full of company, I'd have still stripped off and run upstairs!", She said "I didn't drop the scissors" and she said "I had to throw my slippers away"!

Both laugh

Steve: So, we are laughing at the fact that your elderly mother,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Fell, slipped in a pond,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Could easily have injured herself quite seriously, who knows? Now she could have... sort of, leeches?

Ricky: Yeah, she's probably got leeches, yeah.

Steve: Any kinds of um, you know-

Ricky: The frenchmen scarpered, there was no sight of them.

Steve: They're gone, well they're like that, aren't they, the french?

Ricky: All they found was- they just left a beret.

Steve: I tell you, the french, I mean any sign of trouble Gervais, they're outta there. D'you know what I mean, the'yre legging it.

Ricky: Oh God, I just like the idea of just running into the kitchen and stripping off, just a ball of slime, and her upstairs, "I couldn't wait to get in the bath." She said.

Steve: Yeah, and two ladies from next door from the women's guild, just sipping tea, "Oh there she goes, there goes Mrs. gervias, naked as the day she was born, covered in algae."

Ricky: (laughs) Oh God.

Steve: That's a Gervais for you.

Song: Bob Dylan - If You See Her, Say Hello

This One Is About The Spin Doctors

Ricky: If You See Her, Say Hello off Blood on the Tracks. And that was for Doris Stokes.

Steve: Ah, the late, great medium, Doris Stokes, we play that for her, who apparently, Doris apparently was a prostitute.

Ricky: She was a whore.

Steve: She was a whore.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um-

Ricky: You can't libel the dead.

Steve: You can't libel the dead, that's not libellous.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Um, yeah, she apparently went at it hammer and tongs.

Ricky: All the time.

Steve: Anybody that had a checkbook.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: Oh yes. Er Gervais, uhm... well mayb-

Ricky: Well I've had a good 8 months n radio haven't I?

Steve: We've had good fun, we've had a bit of fun. I was gonna tell you about something but what I'll do is, I'll tell you in a minute.

Spin Doctors by Wesley Willis is played

Ricky: It's a short one, that.

Steve: Is this the one?

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky: How does he not run out of ideas?

Steve: It's incredible. D'you know what I mean, they just flow from him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's incredible. Um, that of course comes from the classic Wesley Willis album Rock 'n' Roll Will Never Die, just reading the sleeve notes Gervais, "Rock 'n' Rolls Will Never Die represents the best of Wesley's previously available material about rock musicians.", um, it says his quote, his personal quote is, "This CD whoops the llama's ass with a belt." Not sure I quite know what that means but uh anyway apparently-

Ricky: Doris Stokes knows.

Steve: (laughs) You can't libel the dead.

Ricky: No. Dirty...

Steve: "Wesley carries copies of his CDs with him when he travels just in case he meets someone with $10 in their pocket."

Ricky: Aw, excellent.

Steve: That's a beautiful track, track 8 on that classic album and of course, Spin Doctors, let's hear a bit more.

Spin Doctors by Wesley Willis is turned up

Ricky: ...Instrumental break.

Steve: Beautiful. You see, he's a talented musician.

Ricky: Very similar to Nirvana and Kurt Cobain and Hootie and the Blowfish.

Steve: (laughs) Yes. Yeah.

Ricky: Different sentiment altogether.

Steve: Oh, completely different.

Ricky: This one is uh, about the Spin Doctors.

Steve: Hehey!

Ricky: Yeah. Well that's enough of that, that one's for Laura anyway who wrote me a lovely letter, remember yesterday, um last week sorry, I was going on about how we could do the best of Ricky Gervais.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So I could just like get bits off the log and tape and package it and we wouldn't have to come in, we could like, sunbathe or something, and she said, "Maybe you could do the best of Ricky Gervais, all the things that didn't happen.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: All the things we said we were gonna do and then didn't. And there are quite a few, there are quite a few. But she goes on aswell, cos we were talking about reincarnation, and she believes in the Hindu view of Karma, so if through your life you do good things, you build up your good Karma, bad things, bad Karma, then when you die, they mount it all up, tot it all up, and you're reincarnated, if you do nice things, you have a wonderful existence. Lovely- probably good looks, aw everything. Everyone loves you, and if you're really bad, then you come back as some something hideous like a maggot or a fish and you have a horrible life. And um, the idea lead to wonder what you did that was so bad in your last life.

Steve: ... I'm not rising to it.

Ricky: No?

Steve: You're not baiting me. You're not baiting me.

Mrs. Johnson, Would You Mind Taking Your Clothes Off?

Steve: Gervais, can I just say, I... you know we've had some fun, we've had some laughs over the uh, the last couple of months.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But I'm a little bit sick and annoyed about all this slagging me off. Claiming that I'm some ugly, grotesque freak of nature or whatever bec- we get loads of faxes coming in saying, "Steve, you're a freak, you're an inhumanoid."

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And all this sort of rubbish, and you know, it's not true and you've perpetuated this myth for a long time and it's getting a bit irritating, it's winding me up and as I've said to you before, um, I got into radio- I got into this broadcasting thing where the chances of becoming a celebrity are fairly strong, right, I got into this in an effort to meet women.

Ricky: Get a lady.

Steve: To get a lady. D'you know what I mean and it's just not helping me out, all this.

Ricky: No. Well I told you, you shouldn't pick careers based on whether you can get a woman.

Steve: Well...

Ricky: Like the gynaecology thing. That's why that fell flat.

Steve: Yeah but I- no that was going alright, I mean I overstepped a few times by mentioning- remember I mentioned to that woman we should just go back and I could continue the examination at her house.

Ricky: Exactly. And the other thing is you sort of going, "Wehey!" That doesn't put women at their ease.

Steve: Right, yeah.

Ricky: D'you know what I mean?

Steve: "Mrs. Johnson, do you mind just taking your clothes off? ...Hehey, blinkin' hell! Look at that, incredible."

Ricky: "Can I film this for the lads?"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah I ran into problems.

Ricky: This is Happy Mondays, Kinky Afro.

Steve: Would you just stop now with the-

Ricky: 'Course I will, you're a good looking fella.

Steve: Well...

Ricky: (coughs)

Song: Happy Mondays - Kinky Afro