Tape 1 Side A

Xfm Series 0 January 1998 - August 1998 List of episodes

Episodes: 31 May 1998 (Transcript) 07 June 1998 (Transcript) Tape 1 Side A (Transcript) Tape 1 Side B (Transcript) Tape 2 Side A (Transcript) Tape 2 Side B (Transcript) Tape 3 Side A (Transcript) Tape 3 Side B (Transcript) Tape 4 (Transcript) The Best of the Rest (Transcript)

Tape 1 Side A is a composite of several shows by Ricky and Steve in 1998. This is essentially a "best-of" compilation with some extra links that are not featured on the other tapes, like tracks from Wesley Willis, Doris Stokes' autobiography Voices in my Ear, and pre-recorded phone calls with Ricky's mum.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see Tape 1 Side A/Transcript.

1. What's Coming Up (00:00)

Ricky describes the upcoming features for the show including music by Wesley Willis, which Steve says will be a treat for anyone who hasn't heard his work. As usual, Ricky and Steve have not planned the show, but luckily Ricky's book exchange has come through and given him Voices in my Ear, an autobiography of the British spiritualist, Doris Stokes.

2. Wesley Willis (01:38)

Ricky and Steve discuss Wesley Willis; he's a chronic schizophrenic who has released 14 CD's by himself. They play the first track, "Hootie and the Blowfish" off the album, Rock and Roll Will Never Die.

3. KUUUUUUURT COOOOOOBAIN (03:26)

Ricky and Steve play more songs by Wesley Willis, including "Kurt Cobain" and "Nirvana," which sound surprisingly similar. Ricky can't operate the desk so he has some difficulty playing the tracks. He wonders why the machine can't just do what he thinks. Ricky announces the next track with his best Wesley Willis impression.

4. Voices in my Ear (05:42)

Ricky and Steve read from Voices in my Ear, to find out why Doris Stokes had to convince a man he was dead. Steve says it's not as interesting as it sounds. Ricky is fairly certain that you can't libel the dead, so Doris Stokes is fair game.

5. You Can't Libel the Dead (07:52)

Steve wants to explore Ricky's claim that you can't libel the dead. Of course, there are still things you can't say on the radio because of taste and decency, but you can say that Doris Stokes was a smackhead.

6. I Was Dropped on My Head as a Kid? (08:47)

Ricky plays a phone conversation with his mum that he recorded. She's upset that he swore on the radio when he said "bastard" but he assures her that it's alright to use that word. Ricky discovers he was dropped on his head as a child by his brother, Bob. Steve suspects that Ricky has Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.

7. Like Mutley (12:23)

More from Ricky's mum: Ricky reminds her that he's recording this and will play it on the radio and she's worried that she swore. Ricky says he's going to take her out of context when she said, "bastard." He then teases her Mutley laugh and accuses her of swearing when she said "I can't."

8. It's Only 2 Feet Deep! (13:57)

Ricky plays a compilation he edited of his mum laughing. Steve admits that his relations have faces that aren't symmetrical but at least they don't laugh like that. Ricky had another conversation with his mum that day that he wishes he had recorded. She told him she went swimming in the fishpond on Wednesday. She was startled by three frogs while cutting lavender and fell in. When she got out she was afraid she had leeches on her so she went in the kitchen, stripped off all her clothes and ran upstairs completely naked.

9. This One Is About The Spin Doctors (17:45)

Steve and Ricky continue to talk about Doris Stokes, still operating under the assumption that you cannot libel the dead. They play another track off of the Wesley Willis album called "Spin Doctors." Ricky and Steve are amazed that he never runs out of material. Ricky reads a letter from a listener who believes in karma and she wonders what Steve did wrong in his past life to end up looking like he does. Steve doesn't take the bait.

10. Mrs. Johnson, Would You Mind Taking Your Clothes Off? (20:55)

Steve is getting annoyed by Ricky and the listeners slagging him off for his looks. Steve went into radio to try and get a lady and it isn't working. Ricky discusses Steve's failed attempts at being a gynecologist.

11. You're Boring Me (22:20)

Steve suggests calling Wesley Willis to get him to compose a song about the radio show. Steve tries to trace his lack of luck with the ladies back to school when he would go around with a notepad at school dances pretending to be a brain surgeon. He thought it was funny and wacky but it never worked.

12. Of Course She’s Not Dead! (25:29)

Under the impression that you cannot libel the dead, Ricky and Steve continue to make inflammatory comments about the spiritualist Doris Stokes. Steve then mentions Dusty Springfield which angers Ricky because she isn’t dead and thus they could be libeling her. They also realise that it was not wise to libel Doris Stokes, of all people. Next they play a fake advert for Muff Shandy’s “Earplugs Are Gay.”
This link can also be heard on Tape 3 Side A

13. You Twat (27:23)

Steve recalls a childhood story about him and his dad using the word “twat” all the time when they didn’t know what it meant. After Steve learned what it meant he stopped using it, but he didn’t have the heart to tell his father. So to this day his father still calls his wife a twat, and, unfortunately for her, she knows what it means.
This link can also be heard on Tape 3 Side A

14. The Last Show? (28:52)

Ricky and Steve discuss that this is likely their last show. Steve is annoyed if it is the last show because they got no warning, and he could have done something special. Ricky thinks they should end their last show by giving away 'Voices In My Ear by Doris Stokes. Since it's the last show, Ricky thinks they might as well give away the Xfm library too. Also, a fake advert for Diet Cock.

15. It's Like Someone Reading French (31:43)

Ricky and Steve are trying to give away the Xfm library, starting with some Nirvana CD's. Steve has found a signed copy of Nevermind he stole from someone's desk and he wants to give it away, but Ricky thinks that's a bad idea. Thora Herd, a listener who faxed in, would like to be stuck in a lift with Steve. Another fake advert for Diet Cock with a twist to include Doris Stokes.

16. Take 14 Off (34:26)

Just one hour to go and Ricky has tickets to give away for a show, but he gets the date wrong. He says the gig is on July 2nd but Steve reminds him that it's July 10th today, so he must have meant July 16th. Ricky said he was using the old "radio trick" of taking 14 off every number.

17. Blood Sweat and Cum (36:42)

Ricky lets Steve listen to Brainmangle's new single, voiced by Ian Camfield. They talk about how Steve could become a star of horror films.

18. Cat-uh-STRO-fic (37:59)

Ricky recorded another phone conversation with his mum. He thanks her for his birthday card and sounds a bit depressed about turning 37. She reassures him that life begins at 40 and is relieved that he was the youngest. She has difficulty talking because she doesn't have her teeth in.

19. We Love Steve (39:52)

Ricky and Steve read out "fan mail." A listener is getting her wisdom teeth pulled and they do not envy her. Steve talks about how they deal with wisdom teeth in Bristol. Another listener has faxed in pictures of apes saying they look like Steve, while others have pledged their love to him.

20. Police Have Combed The Area (41:21)

Ricky and Steve stick around to annoy Matt Johnson while he reads the news. They would prefer fun, Two Ronnies style news stories with witty puns. Ricky also takes the opportunity to ask Matt if they can libel the dead.
This link can also be heard on Tape 2 Side B

21. That's What Cats Do (42:26)

Ricky and Steve gave away some CD’s last week from the library and they have got to get them back. Ricky asks the listeners if they can please send them back since they belong to the station. Steve says the station also wants the computer back but Ricky believes that if he urinates on something it belongs to him, like in the cat world. Ricky has got 2 telephone boxes, a cashpoint machine, the side of a church, and one BMW by this method.
This link can also be heard on Tape 2 Side B

22. They're My Shoes, Gervais (44:38)

Steve argues with Ricky because he tried to procure Steve’s shoes by the rules of the cat world. Most of Ricky’s friends and his girlfriend are fine with these rules. Steve is glad to see Ricky back again; he thought he might be gone after the previous week. They still have not prepared anything for this show.
This link can also be heard on Tape 2 Side B

23. Some Sort of Advertising for the YMCA (45:10)

Steve thinks the Village People did the YMCA a favour through some free advertising. Ricky tries to explain to him the connotations of the song and why the YMCA was upset.
This link can also be heard on Tape 2 Side A

24. I Would Not Have Andi Peters (46:13)

Steve truly doesn’t understand what is wrong with “YMCA” and “In the Navy,” and Ricky tells him about the gay connotations. Steve thinks they should have had cliché gay people rather than the ones in The Village People.
This link can also be heard on Tape 2 Side A

Quotes

Ricky: It's twenty past four, it's Ricky Gervais Show, and next is TRAAAVIS, TRAAAAVIS, TRAAAAVIS.
Steve: Gervais, you're never gonna be Wesley Willis.

Ricky: That word you said.
Ricky's Mum: I can't.
Ricky: Stop it. You can't swear on the radio and that's the worst…
Ricky's Mum: I'm not saying what you think I'm saying.
Ricky: What are you saying?
Ricky's Mum: I can't stop it… You're disgusting, you are.

Steve: Oh there goes Mrs. Gervais, naked as the day she was born, covered in algae. That's a Gervais for you.

Steve: Man alive, we're really going out with a bang, Gervais.

Steve: They're going to sack you and it's the most justified sacking in the history of man.

Ricky's Mum: You are disgusting, Rick.

Playlist

High Llamas - Checking In, Checking Out
Travis - More Than Us
Oasis -
The Smiths -
Bob Dylan - If You See Her, Say Hello ("off Blood on the Tracks")
Happy Mondays - Kinky Afro
The Beatles -
Warm Jets – Hurricane
Rocket from the Crypt - When in Rome (Do the Jerk)
Stevie Wonder - Living in the City