17 January 2004
 November 2003 - January 2004 List of episodes |
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Episodes:
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17 January 2004 was the twelfth and final episode of Xfm Series 3.
Track Listing
1. I've Never Kept a Diary (0:00:00)
Ricky relays a bit of conversation he had with Karl had when he came in that morning. Karl wanted to know if Ricky had seen "that Alan Clark Diaries" because, as Karl concludes, keeping a diary will always get you into trouble. Ricky mentions Anne Frank and Karl inquires "the woman in the cupboard?" After Steve and Ricky force Karl to confess his ignorance on air, they explain a little more about who she was but Karl still doesn't think much of Anne (Karl is on a first-name basis with her) as she got caught. For once, Karl is right when he decides to leave it because it might be dodgy material. Karl continues his thoughts on diaries, and Steve and Ricky speculate what Karl's diary might be like, mentioning his Dave Hill from Slade comment about Suzanne's haircut. Karl concludes that diaries were a way to pass the time in prior generations but has now been replaced by modern devices like the iPod. Ricky suggests "The iPod of Anne Frank".
2. Proclaimers (0:04:40)
Matt Lucas of Little Britain fame is listening in; Lucas spoke with Ricky earlier and revealed that his favourite band is The Proclaimers. Ricky and Steve are both stunned that anyone could be enthused about the band, citing their singing in Scottish accents as their best feature.
3. On Hubbard: Debunking Nursery Rhymes (00:07:00)
Reminded of cupboards, Ricky mentions the Mother Hubbard rhyme. Ricky shares some of his "weak observations, poorly performed" (see Animals) on Humpty Dumpty, this time playing out the material in two person format with Steve.
4. Pandering to the People (0:19:28)
To keep a not-quite-scowl from creeping across Karl's face, Rockbusters is permitted. The grand prize is the Collector's Edition of the BBC Radio 4 Adaptation of The Lord of the Rings. The first clue features Karl's delightfully warped version of the Jamaican fella. Steve reminds viewers to e-mail their answers in saying, "We don't wanna speak to you. Please don't phone up."
5. Chinese Lady Shoppe (0:24:00)
6. Introducing Educating Ricky's Nipple (0:26:48)
To paraphrase Karl, Ricky is messing with his nipple causing it to go up a bit. Ricky and Steve are quick to offer Karl money for a nipple kissing feat. After a bit of a price negotiation and a question of why Karl was looking at the nipple in the first place, Karl ends the conversation by moving on to Educating Ricky. From Karl's list of clever headlines Ricky picks "Is That ImportANT?", and Karl simply uses this as a platform to criticise the name of anteater species, annoyed that they are simply named after what they eats and don't have a proper name like "beaver" . Karl's expertly culled fact is that an anteater can flick its tongue 160 times per minute. Karl's point is that this is not amazing as he achieved 148 tongue retractions per minute the prior night, which brings the conversation back to Ricky's nipple.
7. People Living in Holes in the Ground
8. Karl Auditions for Kilroy
to which Karl appropriately replies "kay, thanks for coming in today".
9. Continuing "Educating Ricky" (0:51:30)
“Werther's a Will, There's a Way”: Karl says that there's a new drug, either a tab or an injection, which means an eighty year old woman can have a kid. Ricky interrupts to encourage listeners to phone in and demand that Karl kiss Ricky's nipple. For the final headline, “Hook, Line, and Good Thinkers”, Karl says, “They're makin' loads of fish with two heads”. Ricky suggests that Karl should have two heads, and Karl wonders if that would enable him to do two shifts of work. Karl says he thinks this scientific venture is because there's a fish shortage. Ricky says that wouldn't work because the head is the part you throw away, but Karl continues with the problem at hand saying “when they do a head count, what do they do?”
10. Radio Free Lick Nipple (0:50:09)
The phone lines are opened to listeners for nipple-kissing encouragement. Karl keeps hanging up on the calling listeners, and must be told to be nice. The first caller wants to talk about a human monkey and would easily kiss Ricky's nipple for £500, and then advises Karl to simply ask Ricky for more money. The next caller, Linda, suggests that Karl lick the nipple, but Karl dismisses it and quickly cuts to ads.
11. The Film Thing: When Harry Met Barry (0:52:00)
Queer film enthusiasts will be disappointed to know that there isn't a movie by the title of When Harry Met Barry, as Karl uses a clip from When Harry Met Sally and adds a signature Pilkster pun to title this Karl in a Film feature.
12. Monkey News: Monkey Duel in the Wild West (0:56:00)
Some fellas in Texas discover that a roaming pack of monkeys could be taught to ride horses and round up cattle. The (human) farmers decided that they need a “little woman monkey” to produce the next generation of capable chimp ranchers. Having heard the two men hype it up, the two monkeys are itching for a shoot off to determine who will take the hand of the woman-monkey. The one named George won, and according to Karl “they had 17 kids, the farm's still runnin'".
13. Nipple Lick Coercion (0:59:20)
Quotes
Ricky: Tell us everything you know about Anne Frank.
Karl: Uh.... she was in a cupboard.
Ricky: (laughing) Yeah. What else?
Karl: If she didn't do that, I wouldn't know about her, seriously. That's all I know about her.
Ricky: She wasn't in a cupboard; she was in an attic.
Karl: Alright.... so what was she doing?
Steve: Tidying up.
Ricky: She was hiding from the Nazis.
Karl: But isn't that the first place they'd look? Sort of... work from the top down.
Steve:The thing with Hubbard is - funny you just briefly mentioned Hubbard...
Ricky: The only time Karl laughs is for no apparent reason.
Steve: It's like people who've had electroshock therapy.
Steve: E-mail in, if you'd like to see, or rather hear, Karl kiss Ricky's nipple for £2000.
Ricky: Phone in if you wanna speak to Karl, get him to kiss a little nipple.
Regarding Ricky's Nipple
Steve: What would make your day, Linda?
Linda (On Phone): If Karl actually gave it a lick, not just a kiss.
Rockbusters
Jamaican fella wrote a review for Phoenix Nights. D.C.
We should all vote for Paul Daniels, David Blaine, Copperfield, Great Suprendo, and Tommy Cooper and Darren Brown. E.S.
Steve, what did your dad do? E.
Playlist
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Fortune Faded
The Thorns - I Can't Remember
Travis - Writing to Reach You
Delays - Long Time Coming
Jimmy Webb - Galveston
Faith No More - I'm Easy (Cover)
Coldplay - Warning Sign
Ash - Burn Baby Burn
Ryan Adams - So Alive
Neil Young - After The Gold Rush
Kings of Leon - California Waiting
The Cure - Pictures of You
Aimee Mann - Red Vines
Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road
Download
External Links
| Series 0 | Series 1 | Series 2 | Series 3 | Series 4 | ||
| Presenters | Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington | |
| Others | Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost | |
| Features | Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More... | |
