27 December 2003

Xfm Series 3 November 2003 - January 2004 List of episodes

Episodes: 01 November 2003 08 November 2003 (Transcript) 15 November 2003 (Transcript) 22 November 2003 (Transcript) 29 November 2003 (Transcript) 06 December 2003 (Transcript) 13 December 2003 20 December 2003 27 December 2003 ('Best of') 03 January 2004 (Transcript) 10 January 2004 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

This is the sixth 'Best Of' compilation.

Track Listing

1. Cranial Spherity (0:01:09)

Ricky Gervais invents a medical condition called cranial spherity, which is a perfectly round head that presses on the victim's "lobes". The result of this is that the sufferer is normal in every way, but believes anything and everything. Come to think of it, this is probably not dissimilar to what Karl Pilkington suffers from. Stephen Merchant explains how he feels about the current war, and how he feels it was "better presented" than the Gulf War. Ricky says this is because the Americans "had rights to it, like the Tyson fight". The World Elephant Polo Championships have taken place. Their training ground was Kent. Karl's confused as to why the elephants would kick the ball, and suggests letting the elephants just have a kick about.

2. "Imagine how much post..." (0:04:50)

Karl discusses a man who was in a coma for twenty years, during which he was taken to Alton Towers. Steve tells a similar story, but his one wasn't taken to Alton Towers. He was asked how he felt and he said "horny".

3. "Ohh, I'm a bum GP?" (0:09:11)

Ricky asks Karl what his best ever job was, to which he simply replies "paper round". Ricky mentions proctology which disgusts Karl, who confusedly asks why they have to do that. Steve ponders on what kind of trainee doctor chooses to make proctology their special field. He goes on to talk about the snack woman on Finchley Road with bananas up to her chin and chocolates coming out of her eyes. Karl mentions "Iva" The Terrible, Ivan's Irish cousin.

4. "I'm not made of money!" (0:15:46)

Steve admits his new television is too big (42 inches). He wonders whether he should have tipped the delivery man. Karl discusses how he doesn't think disabled tennis should be put on the television, as there wasn't a proper rally going on. He suggests letting them play swingball (also known as tether ball) instead.

5. Karl in a film thing (0:21:03)

Karl's favourite two films are The Elephant Man and Kes. Today he's put himself into Kes. He leaves the microphones on so we can hear Ricky's brilliant laugh in the background. At the end, Ricky commends Karl, saying it was the best thing he'd ever done.

6. "Well, get me in the book!" (0:24:46)

Karl has found some excellent headlines on the internet:

- vibrating shoes could stop elderly falling
- family sick of living on Butthole Road
- man wears same shoes for sixty years
- some fella pulls a train with his teeth
- man fails to break 'clothes pegs on face' record

They go on to discuss pointless records like running backwards and running with a milk bottle on your head. Ricky says that Karl is one of the most stupid people he's ever met, to which Karl retorts "well, get me in the book!" Steve reveals the name of the road he lived on while growing up (Gay's Street).

7. "That's not the sort of tip I wanted." (0:31:55)

Ricky and Steve tell Karl how it was looked highly upon if a man had sex with another man in Ancient Rome. Karl's disgusted and swears blindly he wouldn't have done it. Ricky disagrees, and says that he (Karl) would've been nibbling, noshing, chewing, slurping, smacking, poking and gnawing.

8. "Ooh, Educating Ricky! He's getting smarter." (0:34:52)

Karl discusses Galileo, but ends up being educated himself. He then goes on to say that a man in the week said that women shouldn't be wearing trousers. Brilliant.

9. "She had big eyelids." (0:38:43)

Karl discusses a large woman on his old estate who wore leggings. She used to work on a sex line (Steve asks if she was an engineer). The weird thing about this woman was she had "big eyelids", which was a popular thing going around when Karl was a little lad. Ricky wonders how big they have to be to be classed as "big", like being able to carry heavy electronic goods in them.

10. "Why've they gotta start so early?" (0:41:57)

Karl's annoyed at the working class. He had a fella come in to do his kitchen this morning, and the first thing he asked was if the pub across the road was any good. He also doesn't know why they start working so early in the morning.

11. "I don't know how long I was looking." (0:45:11)

Ricky and Steve have just discovered that The Guardian are listening, so they try to make the show more high-brow, but fail miserably. Steve discusses a Japanese police officer who had been arrested for photographing up a woman's skirt. This reminds Karl of the time he was caught staring at a naked woman with his pants down, his hands moving up and down and a white-looking substance hitting the window. He admits he doesn't even remember how long he was looking at her.

Quotes

Steve: I'll tell you this, David Dickinson's tan? Almost took me eyeballs out!

Karl: Give 'em a game of swingball, or somethin'.

Ricky: "There's a naked woman across the road, what do you THINK I'm doing, Suzanne?! I'm exposing myself while looking at some FREE FANNY! WHAT'S UP WITH YOU, SUZANNE?!"

Playlist

Kings of Leon - Molly's Chambers
Blue - Out of Time
Placebo - Bitter End
Radiohead - There There (The Boney King of Nowhere)
50 Cent - In Da Club
David Bowie - Waterloo Sunset
Jane's Addiction - (Unknown)

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