22 November 2003

Xfm Series 3 November 2003 - January 2004 List of episodes

Episodes: 01 November 2003 08 November 2003 (Transcript) 15 November 2003 (Transcript) 22 November 2003 (Transcript) 29 November 2003 (Transcript) 06 December 2003 (Transcript) 13 December 2003 20 December 2003 27 December 2003 ('Best of') 03 January 2004 (Transcript) 10 January 2004 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

22 November 2003 Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant join Karl Pilkington for some laughs, some tears, and some insults. Here's show 4:

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 22 November 2003/Transcript

1. The Woe of Wearing Glasses

The trio celebrate England's victory at the Rubgy World Cup. Gervais says he watches England win anything, even war. Steve enjoyed it too, but not when he had to play it at school. Ricky says he managed to stay out of the way of the ball when he played it, as he did at cricket, what an athlete. Steve never liked Rubgy because his mum told him that someone she went to school with broke his neck. The lanky one was "petrified", but sustained no injuries, despite playing in NHS glasses, specially modified with "wire". The goggle-eyed freak says he has also never been able to mosh at a concert, save for a Rage Against The Machine gig at Reading Festival. However, he did not find it an enjoyable experience, due to dropping his glasses mid-mosh and trying to find them while the band played on, presumably ignoring the 6 foot 7 panicking freak in front of them. Despite all this, he has rejected "fiddly" contact lenses.

2. It's Only A Phone-Karl

Ricky attacks Karl (and says his "I've got 5 jobs" spiel for about the millionth time), and plays a phone message left by Pilky, in which he attacks Duncan, the Holy Trinity of Comedy's agent. The message is littered with swearwords as the Manc moans about how he is doing Duncan's work for him, while the agent is "sat on his arse, with his thumb firmly up his arse". Steve Wurzels out a laugh, before reminding the listeneres about the time Karl didn't pass on a voiceover message for him. Pilky thought that Steve knew the caller already but on the other hand, "I should have known you didn't know her, it was a woman." Steve points out that Karl never picks on Ricky, which iPodge finds amusing. Karl says he looks after Steve, with "tickets and lager", not that the lankmeister is even grateful, even claiming that Karl bears grudges, particularly over the "50p incident", which Steve recaps. Karl turns down a hug.

3. Steve and the Whore

Ricky links "Animal" by REM to his "Animals" DVD of Stand-up, which he then plugs. Merchant says that people should buy "The Office" instead, as "Animals" is "weak observations, poorly performed." Steve correctly points out that all the stand up observations have been heard on the XFM shows. He them moves on to another vintage Merchy anecdote. He was walking down the street, talking on his mobile telephonic device, when "what can only be described as a prostitute", propositiong him, asking his if he "wanted to buy sex". He was annoyed that she interrupted his phone-call, not that she asked him. He and Ricky do a sketch where Merchant hangs up a phone-call from his mum to "negotiate with a whore". It was the first time he'd been propositioned, which surprises Karl as he thought that "they'd ask people who don't like they've got much chance." Karl attacks Steve's looks, eyes in particular. He says that his eyes are "bad" because it's nature's way of saying "nothing to see here, move on." Steve retorts that Pilky looks like a face drawn onto a half inflated balloon. Karl snaps back with an anecdote. Someone he knows overheard a conversation on the Tube, where a woman points out the poster for the XFM show to a friend. Her friend goes "Ooh, who's that person, he looks odd." The friend is sympathetic as she knew he was odd before she saw the poster, but it was the friend's first encounter with Merchant, who sounds audibly depressed and rounds on Gervais, attacking his fat physique and his defection from Steve to Jonathan Ross.

4. A Lesson In History

Steve gives a shout out to the emailers. Ricky recaps recent events, mainly about gays, Chinese and monkeys. The Pringles people have emailed in to offer free ones to Ricky, which amuses Steve as "Kylie gets underwear and you get sent the crisps." Ricky says that "when I pop I can't stop." "That's probably the chemicals." Steve interjects. The beanpole comedian describes a woman at a fruit and veg stall who is trapped in by food. He wonders how she escapes. He says it's a job he wouldn't do. Gervais says he wouldn't work in a photocopying shop, unless people came in wanting copies of their arse. Karl is just happy as he is. The round headed man read about "Ivor the Terrible", who had someone building his house for him. When it was finished, Ivan gouged the man's eyes out so he couldn't build another house as beautiful. Gervais says Ivan should have just stolen the trowel, claiming Ivan's nickname might be "crafty" rather than "terrible", had he done that. Karl also read about the "fella who worked for the bloke who painted the celing", meaning the Sistine Chapel. Ricky says Karl's talks in riddles. But, back to the celing. The man who painted it had to draw things he wanted, but couldn't just tell her as "he's a better drawer than her."

5. It's Not Worth Coming Up With A Chapter Heading For Such An Inane Quiz, Sorry

Time for this week's installment of the worst quiz on radio, Rockbusters:

1. "I'm going to the North East, what you going there for?" - S

2. "Oh yeah, she's related to the man in the lamp." - G

3. "The Jamaican fella would love to live there, but it's a bit pricey, alright?" - DS

6.The Real News

Steve says there's a lot of junk in the studio, namely a copy of the Guardian Guide. He is enraged because it contains an interview about the translation of "The Office" from U.K to the U.S.A, in which the following passage is transcribed: "I don't care if Brent becomes a woman," burbles Steve Merchant, eyes bulging with imagined riches. Steve's just annoyed because he says his eyes bulge anyway, while Ricky insists that the interview was ironic and tongue in cheek, and then lambasts everybody for not being clued-up enough to know that. Time for news headlines:

Bong

"Man Hid In Wardrobe To Avoid Work."

Bong

"Teenager Gets Stuck In Washing Machine."

Bong

"Dutch Man Has Two Right Feet"

Bong

"Cow Hit By Train Lands On Farmer's Wife."

Gervais collapses in hysterics at the last story. Karl says the Dutch man with two right feet would be a "good dancer". Gervais talks of the "real news" that a journalist smuggled a fake bomb into BUckingham Palace, but says it was no big deal as the Palace looks out for terrorists not journalists. Ricky says everybody lies on their C.V. Karl says he has lied many times. One time under "languages" he wrote "English, quite good." He didn't hear back, surprisingly. Steve says he should have put "weak" instead. Suzanne just laughed. Karl doesn't want to talk about her hair today, mainly because "The Film Thing" involves her hair.

7. Arse-cdotes

Karl insists that the best job he's had is still his paper round. He would not be a proctologist however, and doesn't understand why that procedure is needed, he's never been, he's shocked. Ricky is amused that he can "blow" Karl's mind with standard facts. Karl says the proctologists need to have nice nails, like he did when he handed out biscuits to old people. Gervais explains that proctologists check for enlarged prostates, and recaps the hilarious story that a man had a sauce bottle inserted into his rectum. He wheezes with laughter, nobody else does. "That's like a game of Kerplunk," Karl says. This urban myth apparantly happened to Gervais's friend in his stand-up show Politics. How original... "Talking of arse, Rockbusters," Steve links, and Karl recaps the clues.

8. Vamping Around With Newspapers

Ricky says that he doesn't care about money (as the Guardian insisted) or else he wouldn't be doing this show. Meanwhile, "Monkey Matt" has emailed in with a story that Karl has missed, headlined "Hide and Seek Champion Found Dead In Cupboard." Another story Karl missed was healdined "Woman Says Husband Ran Off To Become Vampire." Steve tells the story, which he suspects has been doctored by the journalist as it ends with the line "If my husband came back I'd say "fangs but no fangs"." Gervais and Merchant do a sketch where the journalist persuades the woman to use the phrase, and eventually prevails.

9. Oh, Here's The Answers...

Ricky is annoyed at another ad-break coming up. He says that 20 minutes a show is too much. Time for Rockbusters results:

1. S - Seal (see Hull)

2. G - Genesis (genie sis)

3. DS - Dire Straits (dear streets)

Ricky is annoyed, and the tubby funster lambasts Karl for the last clue. He makes Pilky do the Jamaican voice over and over, and still thinks the clue doesn't work. Ricky says adverts are better than Rockbusters.

10. Pulp Friction

Gervais announces the death of Rockbusters. Time for "The Film Thing", this week: Pulp Fiction in which Suzanne is forced to have her haircut. Steve finds in amusing that Suzanne is represented by what he calls "a dimwit Southern accent." The lanky one also wonders what copyright laws Karl's infringed.

11. PG Tips - The Truth

Ricky wonders if his swearing is ok. Karl says it is. Gervais criticises Karl's incompetance again, which is tiresome to say the least. Steve remembers the phone message from earlier, in which he thinks Karl runs out of words half way through, and says that every time Karl opens his mouth it's the equivalant of walking across a rickety rope bridge. Karl says he has no Monkey News, but when pressed conjured up a story, where people can buy tea that has been handpicked by monkeys, because "it tastes good." Steve thinks he's got a story mixed up with PG Tips adverts, which Ricky thinks Karl has got confused as a documentary. Steve attacks Ricky's stand-up again, citing it as "a bit poor". A fitting note to end the show on.

Playlist

Molly's Chambers - Kings of Leon

Satellite of Love - Lou Reed ft. David Bowie

Animal - REM

Out of Time - Blur

I Don't Owe You Anything - The Smiths

Roll Over DJ - Jet

Beautiful Occupation - Travis

It's All Over Now Baby Blue - Bob Dylan

Forget About Tomorrow - Feeder

We're All In Love - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Thunder Road - Badly Drawn Boy

Stunt 101 - G-Unit

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