Jenson's Beard

Jenson's Beard

Previous usernames: none

Nickname(s): JB

Pilkipedia Accomplishments:

Hard Tyres, a Formula-1 racing podcast on LoudySpeak

Biography

Jenson's Beard knows about many things, most notably sport and Karl Pilkington. A native of Portsmouth, England, he has used his penmanship skills to write sport-related articles, including this boxing interview, as well as material for Pilkipedia such as this review of Derek at the mid-season mark.

He has a penchant for composing epic speeches when playing the mafia games, and several Pilkis have been lucky enough to meet him in person.

Notable Quotes

"I went and got rid of Hitler but super-Hitler arose from his grave and killed 12-million Jews. So I had to go back and save Hitler."

During a mafia game (when he knew his team had won):"Actually, I've had an odd change of heart.

Nicola's been very quiet this whole game, so I'm wondering if maybe she's mafia. It's a long shot, I understand, but I'm getting a real gut feeling about this.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't actually have any evidence for this. But I'm willing to put my petty dispute with Pod to one side for the moment. If we go for Nicola and she turns out mafia, it would be an inspired choice.

My reasoning for Nicola? Well, quietness is one. Silence is the guiltiest noise, and while she hasn't exactly been silent, she's never really pushed for a vote one way or the other. Given that we've only lynched town so far, it'd seem that a mafioso would be happy letting us fight amongst themselves, whereas the real townies are trying to lead us to victory. Perhaps the easiest way to see who mafia are, at this lowly point in our existence within the walls of our pretty little town, is to see who's been letting us get things wrong.

Oh sure, it's a big old hunch that could be wrong, but think about it. The mafia... they'll have loved every minute of this. When we all went for Calum? "Ha, you got it wrong". SW? "Well, nice choice braniacs". Johnny? "Well, good going". Foodage? "Haha, we knew he'd be OK". SW again? "You serious, bro?"

Listen to that mocking tone. Every little move, pushed forward by their shady, sneaky hands as we naively glide towards defeat, blissfully unaware of our failures until it is too late. We have been thoroughly taken apart by these monsters. Well, I say no more.

We must stand up and stop fighting. If we just think, we can get these people. I'm thinking now. I'm thinking Nicola. She's not stood up for us. She hasn't made us winners. She must therefore want us to be losers, and this is not right. If we can know this, we can finally lynch our first mafia, and our pride will beam. Beam, blinding the putrid faces of the mafia scum. They will be in disarray. We will be victorious.

My friends, we are not just a town. We are a legion. We are an army. It is no longer a nuisance in the community that such organised crime occurs. It is now a threat to our lives. Our purpose, our duty, is to take down these hate-filled scumbags before we lose our town. It is our town. WE WILL NOT LOSE IT.

So fuck you mafia. We aren't taking this shit anymore. You've kicked sand in our face and we've stumbled into each other, knocking one another down. Now we've wiped our eyes clear. We can see you now. You can no longer hide behind a veil of innocence. Everyone is going to see tonight. We will take Nicola. We will take a mafia. WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS.

Town. This is your chance to stand up. To be counted. To be seen as true men (and women). To be the greatest heroes in the history of man. We came, we saw, but they will never take our freedom. Que sera sera, this day will now be known as independence day.

WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER.

I vote Nicola. FOR FREEDOM."