21 September 2002

Xfm Series 2 August 2002 - August 2003 List of episodes

Episodes: 24 August 2002 (Transcript) 31 August 2002 (Transcript) 07 September 2002 (Transcript) 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of') 21 September 2002 (Transcript) 28 September 2002 (Transcript) 05 October 2002 (Transcript) 12 October 2002 (Transcript) 19 October 2002 (Transcript) 26 October 2002 (Transcript) 02 November 2002 (Transcript) 09 November 2002 (Transcript) 16 November 2002 (Transcript) 23 November 2002 (Transcript) 30 November 2002 (Transcript) 07 December 2002 (Transcript) 14 December 2002 (Transcript) 21 December 2002 (Transcript) 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of') 04 January 2003 (Transcript) 11 January 2003 (Transcript) 18 January 2003 (Transcript) 25 January 2003 (Transcript) 01 February 2003 (Transcript) 08 February 2003 (Transcript) 15 February 2003 (Transcript) 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of') 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of') 08 March 2003 (Transcript) 15 March 2003 (Transcript) 22 March 2003 (Transcript) 29 March 2003 (Transcript) 05 April 2003 (Transcript) 12 April 2003 (Transcript) 19 April 2003 (Transcript) 26 April 2003 (Transcript) 03 May 2003 (Transcript) 10 May 2003 (Transcript) 17 May 2003 (Transcript) 31 May 2003 (Transcript) 07 June 2003 (Transcript) 14 June 2003 (Transcript) 21 June 2003 (Transcript) 28 June 2003 05 July 2003 12 July 2003 19 July 2003 26 July 2003 02 August 2003 09 August 2003 16 August 2003

Ricky, Steve and Karl discuss obesity and art, and Karls 30th birthday leads him to think about the best thing he's ever done.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 21 September 2002/Transcript.

1. Inarticulate Brain-Damaged Old Drunk (0:00:00)

Ricky's thinking of dropping the "Steve Merchant" part so it's snappier. Ricky has been clued in to how rubbish he is on air, and Karl is like a cat.

2. Ordinance Survey Map (0:02:13)

Ricky was not asked to participate in Celebrity Fat Club, but Rik Waller was. Only 2% of people can claim obesity is glandular. Steve says the fact that Rik featured on the Ordinance Survey map should have been a clue that it's time to stop eating.

3. It Was the Cakes Again (0:06:25)

More anti-fatso banter towards Rik. A listener sends Ricky the top of a cream cheese lid with the brand name "Gervais". Another contestant on the show is Jono Coleman who always wears shorts instead of trousers. Karl thinks Rik's mam should just stop buying so much food for him. He tells them about a weight-loss drug that was tested on a mouse where the side effect was that it's eyes were popping out.

4. Great Honour (0:13:12)

Karl's only concerned about fat people if one's sat next to him on a trip. Ricky's theory is that "the whole package" should be weighed for travel restrictions. Steve is genuinely concerned for the children of the future but Ricky thinks he means fat people are eating up all the food. The conversation shifts to sumo wrestlers and their apprentices, whose role is to wipe ...

5. It's Not Football (0:18:46)

Ricky and Steve went to an exclusive Bowie gig and Steve ponders his sexuality. How did sumo begin? Karl doesn't do much sport but got to play football (sort of) with Ricky. Ricky used to show his genitals to people more often. Karl doesn't fancy the art in Ricky's house because he prefers things like Lowry.

6. Some Special Frottage (0:25:24)

The Amazon listing for The Office says it includes "some special frottage". Ricky muses about Guinness Book of World Records records and how no one would want to beat most of them. There's a guy up north who puts a mini on his head but Karl's not impressed because there's no engine in. Ricky's mate was equally unimpressed when he saw a woman get into a jar, but it was a big jar. Steve's still depressed about the guy buried underground who began and ended a relationship whilst still down there. Mark Johnson at Steve's school shouldn't qualify for being in the Guinness Book. What's the best thing that Karl's ever done? He's been pondering because his 30th birthday is Monday. When Suzanne's away, Karl thinks of odd things.

7. I Was Watchin All This Life Goin On (0:33:01)

Listeners are sending in too detailed information on sumo. Karl texts Ricky with an important question: if you lost your hands and the doctors could only give you stumps or feet to replace, which would you pick? While Suzanne's away, Karl has beans on toast and watches the neighbours (Chinese fella dancing in his pants, old woman reading a book, bouncer fella) while he's washing up. He ponders the human fingers and determines "it's just the right amount". With feet instead, it would be hard to wash up and he couldn't pull the brakes on his bike. Would Karl rather have human feet or monkey paws?

8. What are the Rules? (0:41:03)

Time for Karl's quiz again, but do they know how to run it? Karl has it mostly worked out but Steve and Ricky are amused and frustrated by figuring out the rules on air. Phone up but don't sound like a mentalist.

9. A Little Burnt Demon (0:44:26)

Karl's phone manner isn't great ("Are you the woman?"). Listeners Sarah and Owen compete against each other to figure out Karl's game "What's the Song?" Karl gives a quite long description of a song title, and Ricky and Steve question his use of the word "grid".

10. Smoky Smoky Devil Devil (0:51:31)

More guessing and a few clues from Karl and eventually Steve works out the answer, which is Sympathy for the Devil. Ricky slags off the competition altogether because he's jealous.

Playlist

Feeder - Come Back Around
Doves - Caught by the River
Sugar - If I Can't Change Your Mind
Oasis - Little By Little
The Vines - Outta the Way
David Bowie - Sweet Thing
Ash - Envy
Badly Drawn Boy - Something to Talk About
Jimi Hendrix - All Along the Watchtower
The Verve - Lucky Man
Strokes - Someday
Elton John - Tiny Dancer
Aqualung - Strange & Beautiful

Quotes

Ricky: I listened to an old show and I listened to me, and I sounded like the most inarticulate, brain-damaged old drunk I have ever heard given a show.

Karl: (on Jono) It's funny, 'cause he does a breakfast show on 'Heart' when he's wrecking his own. It's a bit of irony.

Ricky: We played football, didnt we?
Karl: Well, I did...

Steve: When you read there's a man, 10 feet underground, pulling women through a tube, you've gotta sit yourself down, ask yourself some very serious questions.

Ricky: What else did we do?
Karl: Uh. I just had a look at your salamander.
Steve: Right. Is that a euphemism or..?

Trivia

• Ricky's "Worst Joss Sticks Disaster" bit and "Olympic Size Fat" bit were featured in Animals.