07 September 2002

Xfm Series 2 August 2002 - August 2003 List of episodes

Episodes: 24 August 2002 (Transcript) 31 August 2002 (Transcript) 07 September 2002 (Transcript) 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of') 21 September 2002 (Transcript) 28 September 2002 (Transcript) 05 October 2002 (Transcript) 12 October 2002 (Transcript) 19 October 2002 (Transcript) 26 October 2002 (Transcript) 02 November 2002 (Transcript) 09 November 2002 (Transcript) 16 November 2002 (Transcript) 23 November 2002 (Transcript) 30 November 2002 (Transcript) 07 December 2002 (Transcript) 14 December 2002 (Transcript) 21 December 2002 (Transcript) 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of') 04 January 2003 (Transcript) 11 January 2003 (Transcript) 18 January 2003 (Transcript) 25 January 2003 (Transcript) 01 February 2003 (Transcript) 08 February 2003 (Transcript) 15 February 2003 (Transcript) 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of') 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of') 08 March 2003 (Transcript) 15 March 2003 (Transcript) 22 March 2003 (Transcript) 29 March 2003 (Transcript) 05 April 2003 (Transcript) 12 April 2003 (Transcript) 19 April 2003 (Transcript) 26 April 2003 (Transcript) 03 May 2003 (Transcript) 10 May 2003 (Transcript) 17 May 2003 (Transcript) 31 May 2003 (Transcript) 07 June 2003 (Transcript) 14 June 2003 (Transcript) 21 June 2003 (Transcript) 28 June 2003 05 July 2003 12 July 2003 19 July 2003 26 July 2003 02 August 2003 09 August 2003 16 August 2003

07 September 2002 starts with Steve explaining how Ricky and Karl spent the half hour before the show playing football but things sour when Karl is annoyed that Ricky can't record links for the 'Best Of' show that will play next week because he must leave immediately after to go on holiday. Later Karl talks about people with big heads and no heads, and his competition turns into such a farce that even he laughs at it.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 07 September 2002/Transcript.

1. Office Olympics (0:00:00)

Steve is disappointed that despite coming in half an hour early to prepare for the show, Ricky and Karl spent the time playing football. But the fun ends when Ricky tells Karl he's going on holiday immediately after the show and can't record links for next week's 'Best Of' show.

2. Going on Holiday With Ricky Gervais (0:02:20)

Ricky's off to Sorrento, and Steve asks why Ricky nearly always takes his holidays in Italy. Ricky explains that it's because he likes the food. Steve then rants about Ricky's immature palate, like not eating salads or drinking water because "it's boring". Steve hates Ricky.

3. Steve and the Opera (0:06:57)

Still perplexed by Ricky's uncomplicated tastes, Steve sarcastically wonders if he's going to Italy for the opera. Steve goes on to talk about his embarrassing audition for Gilbert and Sullivan's Pirates of Penzance and the bitchy world of amateur dramatics. Karl then tells about the time he did 'Walk Like an Egyptian' dressed as a woman and performing a magic trick. Just before the next record Ricky asks Karl to take the next few minutes to think about the best thing that has ever happened to him.

4. Karl's Best Time Ever (0:12:25)

It started when when Karl was trying to watch the "dead good telly" on school holiday mornings and was asked to take out the rubbish...
His parents bought him a go-kart, or possibly they nicked it. Ricky re-tells the story of his own childhood go-kart and the ensuing lie.

5. Steve and the Boss (0:17:42)

When Steve fails to get Bruce Springsteen tickets, he appeals to the listeners for help. He rants about Karl not helping him about about how rubbish the Cure concert was Karl gave him tickets to. Then Steve is upset further when Ricky then tells how he recently went to David Bowie's exclusive gig at the BBC without telling him.

6. Big Heads (0:23:42)

Steve is willing to pay upwards of £47 pounds for Springsteen tickets, and recounts the time he tried to bribe a bouncer with £2. Following his recent visit to the furniture store Habitat where he saw a "big-headed lad" like the ones he went to school with, Karl appeals to the listeners for information about what these big head are, exactly.

7. Space Cake (0:29:28)

Steve is distracted trying to scrounge up tickets, and a caller suggests the big-headedness Karl is describing could be caused by hydrocephalus. Karl then tells the story of an Xfm colleague who was at a party and had eaten some "space cake" and had a telepathic conversation with a friend about the tedious length of a Starsailor record. But when the friends later met up to confirm the experience, Steve wonders why they didn't communicate telepathically. Karl introduces a decapitation story, but Ricky detours it by referencing the property on the moon that Karl bought (about 20 acres).

8. Off With His Head (0:35:38)

Karl tries to convince Ricky and Steve that a man who had his head chopped off not only continued to live, but walked along a white line for 32 steps before dying. A cockroach can give 9 days without a head, which Karl thinks is a boring last week to have.

9. What's the Song 2 (0:42:44)

As the link begins, Ricky is stuffing his face with toilet paper. For the second week Karl does his competition in which he tells a little story that is also a clue to a song title. Basically a guy finds a genie wearing jeans - what's the song?

10. Karl Laughs (0:46:42)

Karl takes callers live on air. The first caller doesn't care about the competition and is trying to blag a David Bowie ticket. Karl laughs while Steve tells him to "piss off" because he can't standing people begging on the radio. The second caller gets stumped when Karl decides his competition is too easy and that callers must answer a supplementary question. The third caller is cut off when he asks after "Karl Pilkington's mind". But when the sixth caller eventually gets it right, Karl doesn't want to give her a prize.

11. Links (0:52:15)

Ricky and Steve try to record links live on air for next week's 'Best Of' show that will play while Ricky is on holiday, but Karl gets annoyed at the messy job their making of it. More chat about what a shambles the show is.

12. Is This the Worst Show We've Ever Done?(0:55:55)

And yet even more chat about what a rubbish show this is. Ricky apologises for wasting batteries in their radio, and Steve for wasting their time. Ricky suggests they turn next week's clip show in to the Sony's, and Karl is still frustrated with Ricky for planning to leave before making proper links. Steve closes the show with some Dylan.

Quotes

Ricky: We did come in half hour early to prepare, but instead me and Karl were playing- you had to flick the football into the bin, you had five goals each, or the world was gonna end.

Steve: I swear to God I went to the back of the room and just sang "Thumbelina, Thumbelina, tiny little thing/ Thumbelina dance, Thumbelina sing/ Thumbelina, what's the difference if you're very small?/ When your heart is full of love, you're six feet tall!" I just did that. And they just looked at me like I was the weirdest freak they've ever had.

Ricky: It is the sort of women who buy those sort of porcelain dolls and go "Look I've had a baby-" "-It's not a a real b-" "It is a real baby! You wanna stab, you?!"

Karl: He said uh, "I wonder how long the body can stay alive without the head on it." So they were like, "Oh I dunno."
Steve: Who were, the jailers? The rats?
Ricky: These jailers with one eye. "Ey get up, punk."
Steve: No. Wait a minute. I have an interesting scientific experiment, jailer.
Ricky: Whatizzit?

Ricky: Maybe the head's in corner going "Left! Left! Ya-! Left! Oh he's blahoo..."

Ricky: That was Bob the Builder there. Shouldn't really be playing that on Xfm.
Steve: Stupid, Karl, stupid.

Playlist

Coldplay - In My Place
Foo Fighters - Learn to Fly
Badly Drawn Boy - Spitting in the Wind
David Bowie - Watch That Man
The Electric Soft Parade - Biting the Soles of My Feet
Electronic - Getting Away With It
The White Stripes - Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground
Neil Young - After the Gold Rush
Eminem - Cleaning Out My Closet
Oasis - Little by Little
Eels - Mr E's Beautiful Blues
Feeder - Come Back Around
Suede - Stay Together
Song For The Ladies: Bob Dylan - Just Like a Woman

External Links

A beheaded body can take 32 steps
Property on the moon