12 October 2002

In addition to Karl talking about the Hairy Chinese Kid for the first time, this episode marks the birth of 'Strike It Ricky', 'Big Mother', 'The Rice is Right' , 'Fifteen Taiwan', 'Rockbusters', and 'Educating Ricky'. Also the (un)timely death of 'Strike it Ricky', 'Big Mother', 'The Rice is Right' and 'Fifteen Taiwan'.

Xfm Series 2 August 2002 - August 2003 List of episodes

Episodes: 24 August 2002 (Transcript) 31 August 2002 (Transcript) 07 September 2002 (Transcript) 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of') 21 September 2002 (Transcript) 28 September 2002 (Transcript) 05 October 2002 (Transcript) 12 October 2002 (Transcript) 19 October 2002 (Transcript) 26 October 2002 (Transcript) 02 November 2002 (Transcript) 09 November 2002 (Transcript) 16 November 2002 (Transcript) 23 November 2002 (Transcript) 30 November 2002 (Transcript) 07 December 2002 (Transcript) 14 December 2002 (Transcript) 21 December 2002 (Transcript) 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of') 04 January 2003 (Transcript) 11 January 2003 (Transcript) 18 January 2003 (Transcript) 25 January 2003 (Transcript) 01 February 2003 (Transcript) 08 February 2003 (Transcript) 15 February 2003 (Transcript) 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of') 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of') 08 March 2003 (Transcript) 15 March 2003 (Transcript) 22 March 2003 (Transcript) 29 March 2003 (Transcript) 05 April 2003 (Transcript) 12 April 2003 (Transcript) 19 April 2003 (Transcript) 26 April 2003 (Transcript) 03 May 2003 (Transcript) 10 May 2003 (Transcript) 17 May 2003 (Transcript) 31 May 2003 (Transcript) 07 June 2003 (Transcript) 14 June 2003 (Transcript) 21 June 2003 (Transcript) 28 June 2003 05 July 2003 12 July 2003 19 July 2003 26 July 2003 02 August 2003 09 August 2003 16 August 2003

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 12 October 2002/Transcript.

1. A Lung Feeling (0:00:00)

Karl's back from one week's holiday and another week away due to his father's illness. He didn't take his phone with him but he had a feeling something was wrong whilst he was away. Ricky's been criticised for his easy listening music of late so this week he's gonna rock out.

2. Basic Holiday Criteria (0:02:41)

Karl tells about the surprise trip his girlfriend had planned for them to one of the Canary Islands. Karl brought a book of short stories about special days of past and present. He started to get bored so they went to walk on the beach where they saw a woman feeding a fish bread and a fella with no pants on who was carrying a massive rucksack.

3. I'm Not One for Getting Me Kit Off (0:09:13)

Karl is confused by nudism. Steve asks if he ever walks around the house nude and he says only to get a glass of Robinson's in the night, but he has to be careful because his neighbours might see in.

4. Karl's New Ideas (0:12:20)

Karl's got some new ideas for the show. The best way of coming up with ideas is to nick a TV name and twist it ... how about Big Mother or The Rice is Right?

5. This Young Man Prepared For His Death (0:16:53)

Karl explains his brilliant new game called Rockbusters and gives the first clue to the first one. Call in to play and even win some prizes.

6. He Hasn't Thought It Through (0:20:23)

They need another ad break to figure out the rules of the game.

7. We Wouldn't Survive in the Real World (0:21:13)

Eighteen seconds of silence means there's something wrong in-studio and Karl needs to get an engineer in. Ricky's solution is to not play the adverts because he doesn't want to anyway.

8. Let's Play Rockbusters (0:21:45)

Sam and Tim are on the phone to play Rockbusters. Ricky explains the rules and Karl gives out the clues and thus the first Rockbusters game is played. Neither Ricky nor Steve are impressed.

9. Educating Ricky (0:26:23)

Karl is stressed and Steve's not sure Karl can press buttons and talk at the same time. Much slagging off of the studio and the library follows. Karl has yet another idea to propose, this time called Educating Ricky which has teaser titles, including "Hanging Bacon", "Hairy Chinese Kid", and "Alien Gives Man A Beard". Karl tells the alien-man-beard story to an incredulous Ricky and Steve. Also, there's a law in America that you can't touch a UFO.

10. Eczema and a Boil (0:33:19)

The engineers have sorted out the desk problems but it took 25 minutes to get to Ricky's show. Next for Educating Ricky is a story about a hairy Chinese kid. It's a well-known fact that Chinese people aren't very hairy so the press was hard on him but the doctors said he just had some eczema and a boil. Ricky and Steve still aren't impressed so Karl tries to wow them with his explanation of the phrase "chewing the fat".

11. That Song's Got a Good Story (0:41:40)

Karl's had a phone call confirming the story about the Chinese kid. Ricky tries to explain that they don't just believe things randomly, and Steve's theory is that Karl only believes things that are interesting. Discussion turns to the story behind the song "He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother" and after that the continuing segment "That Song's Got a Good Story". Kicking it off today with Stevie Wonder but Steve doesn't think the song can ever live up to Karl's explanation of it.

12. It'll Be Like Star Wars (0:47:00)

Karl hasn't played the full version of Living in the City because he didn't know it existed. So maybe next week they'll play the second bit.

13. Give Her a Rubik's Cube (0:47:57)

Ricky asks Karl to tell them about visiting his dad in hospital. They're dreadful places filled with people moaning (like nurses, says Ricky). There's an old woman in the bed next to him whose hands had gone blue who was breaking wind a lot. Karl thinks they should just let her go home and not worry her. This leads to the introduction of an all-time favourite Pilkington story: Auntie Nora farts for 5 minutes. Karl expounds on his theories about how rubbish it is to get old and have to die in hospital and Ricky plays another Stones track.

14. Call to Confirm (0:56:21)

Another call confirms that drugs do make people have wind, but no one has called to confirm the alien abduction. Ricky complains about the bad equipment again and Karl preps the listeners for next week's quizzes and games. Steve's been quite quiet for 20 minutes because he dozed off, but ends with Sly and the Family Stone for the ladies.

Playlist

The Strokes - Someday
AC/DC - You Shook Me All Night Long
The Coral - Dreaming of You
Led Zeppelin - Rock 'n Roll
Coldplay - The Scientist
The Rolling Stones - Waiting on a Friend
The Cure - Just Like Heaven [acoustic version]
(A brief snippet of Lemon Jelly - "Spacewalk" can be heard before Pulp)
Pulp - Babies
Feeder - Come Back Around
The Doors - Soul Kitchen
David Bowie - Slow Burn
Beck - Lost Cause
Stevie Wonder - Living for the City
Doves - Caught by the River
The Rolling Stones - Brown Sugar
Song For The Ladies: Sly and the Family Stone - If you want me to stay

Rockbusters

1. This young man prepared for his death. WY
2. Better than the average homeless person. S
3. The little girl is hungry. What shall we do? F
4. Exploding Pet. AK

Quotes

Karl: So I'm walking along, and everything's good. There's a woman feeding fish bread and I thought "That's different."

Karl: Fella comes walking toward me. Only got no pants on. So I said "Suzanne what's going on?"
Ricky:Why did he turn to her! Like she knows more than him!

Steve: Your criteria are so basic, it's weird. Hotel? Yes. Roof? Good. Food? Adequate. Beach? Clean. Next!

Steve: You're tuned to Xfm 104.9, Karl Pilkington's quiz Rockbusters. The format is still available to the highest bidder, please give us a call, or you could email on ricky-dot-gervais-at-xfm-dot-co-dot-uk...

Ricky: Play a record then! Do something! For Christ's sake!

Karl: Hairy Chinese Kid. Right while we talked about hairy people in the past... But the weird thing is, right, Chinese people aren't that hairy, as a nation. No seriously, that's a well known fact. They don't have much body hair and stuff. So this little kid who was born over there, he was like covered in the stuff. And it was only his nose that wasn't hairy, the rest of his body was caked in hair.

Ricky: Bloke from Manchester. Went a bit balder than the rest. Got a job on radio. He was normal.

Karl: You've got blue hands. Bad circulation. We're gonna send you home. We'll give you a Rubik's cube. Play around with that with your hands, get the blood pumpin'. And don't worry, don't say "Oh it's really bad." Just think, she's 98, let her have a nice rest of her life.

External Links

• Info on the Canary Islands
• Alien Gives Man a Beard YouTube audio clip
• The hairy Chinese kid