Tape 2 Side B

Xfm Series 0 January 1998 - August 1998 List of episodes

Episodes: 31 May 1998 (Transcript) 07 June 1998 (Transcript) Tape 1 Side A (Transcript) Tape 1 Side B (Transcript) Tape 2 Side A (Transcript) Tape 2 Side B (Transcript) Tape 3 Side A (Transcript) Tape 3 Side B (Transcript) Tape 4 (Transcript) The Best of the Rest (Transcript)

Tape 2 Side B takes off right where Tape 2 Side A left off. It is also either a whole show or two combined together. The show was broadcast somewhere around mid to late June to the end of Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant's first stint on Xfm.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see Tape 2 Side B/Transcript.

1. Mr. Chips (00:00)

Steve asks Ricky what his favourite It Will Be Alright on the Night clip is. Steve likes the one with Mr. Chips from Catchphrase.

2. Snake Charmer (00:42)

Steve goes back to Mr. Chips on It Will Be Alright on the Night. Apparently the computer graphics made it look like he was masturbating. Emma, their producer, found out that the catchphrase was meant to be snake charmer. Ricky cannot figure out what the phrase “Have your cake and eat it,” means.

3. What…? (03:00)

Steve and Ricky still cannot remember what the competition was to get the Pulp tickets (see Tape 1 Side A), but they ask the listeners to call in anyways. Ricky plans to play “Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others” by The Smiths after the ad break, but he’s worried that the intro will make people think he doesn’t know how to work the desk.

4. Kettle, Ricky Gervais… (03:57)

Steve saw a two page article in The Guardian that said Morrissey was a little bit odd. There is a bloke called Ian in the room that is annoying Ricky and he wants him out. Steve points out that this is not exciting radio. Ricky tries to announce the winner of their worst lyrics competition but Ian is making noises, which annoys Ricky. Steve reminds Ricky just how annoying he is.

5. Professional Organization (05:07)

Ricky has finally got everyone out of the studio who isn’t supposed to be there. He doesn’t want anyone in there who isn’t giving 100%. Unfortunately, that means he should have to leave as well. They play a track by Supergrass and off air Steve incorrectly thinks the track is skipping. Ricky decides to stop the track in order to tell the listeners of Steve's error. Steve is offended by the presumption that he doesn’t know music. The winner of the Pulp tickets submitted lyrics from Duran Duran, but Spandou Ballet was also in the running.

6. Pulp in the Park (07:29)

Ricky tries to convince Steve that he’s mates with Jarvis from Pulp. Steve wonders why Jarvis doesn’t have trouble with ladies but he does. Ricky recalls his encounter with Jarvis and Bernard Butler at Finsbury Park but he bores himself talking about it. Steve asks the listeners to phone in if they saw Ricky at Finsbury Park.

7. Nothing is Your Medium (10:02)

Another installment of Make Ricky Gervais Laugh. Steve shows him a picture, but it wasn't sent in by a listener, Steve drew it himself. Ricky cannot even attempt to explain what he drew. Steve gives a vague idea of what the prize for this competition might be and gives out the fax number. Ricky wonders why Steve gave the fax number rather than the phone number and Steve has to remind him that they cannot phone in a drawing. Some listeners have called in to say they’ve seen Ricky. One person criticises him for mooning the crowd. Another person said he was “A bit large,” and that he was quieter than he is on the radio. A different person said he was “Fatter than I thought, but still gorgeous.” Ricky said he was particularly annoyed that night because he was tired, drunk, and had lip balm in his eyes. By his own admission, he had become Jimmy Saville. Ricky says that Shakin’ Stevens wakes people from comas. Ricky asks who Steve would not like to visit him if he were in a coma. Ricky’s would be Jason Donovan and Philip Scofield. Steve wouldn’t want Andy Peters there but Larry Grayson is welcome as well as the Village People. This leads to an argument about how many Village People there were.

8. One Wonders About His Musical Taste (17:44)

A listener calls in to say there were 6 Village People and he can even name each one and their roles. Steve asks the listeners to phone up and say who they don’t want visiting them if they are in a coma. Ricky isn’t worried about being in a coma because Jane would know what he would want. Another listener tries to defend Ricky by saying he isn’t actually that fat. Ricky asserts that he isn’t fat; he’s just let himself go a bit.

9. Obviously It Is Against The Law (20:58)

Steve will be mentioning a celebrity relation he has soon and Ricky plans to do a compilation tape that listeners can tape off the radio. Steve is nervous since it is technically illegal to do this but Ricky doesn’t care.

10. Unlikely Visitors for Coma Patients (23:04)

Listeners have phoned in their suggestions about people they would least like to visit them if they were in a coma. Steve is about to play his compilation, so Ricky tells the listeners to get their tapes ready, but Steve once again stresses the legality issues.

11. Steve’s Compilation (25:06)

Steve’s three tracks have just played in a row with no interruptions. Ricky tells Steve to give out the names of the tracks so people can write them on their compilation. His first is a hidden R.E.M. track called “Superwoman,” the second is “Getting Away With It” by Electronic, and the third is “Get Myself Arrested” by Gomez.

12. Steve vs. Frazier (26:23)

Little Boy Frazier has called in to try and correct Steve by saying that the R.E.M. track is called “Superman” and it is not a secret track. Steve, however, has the album with him and he shows Ricky that the song is not mentioned on the sleeve. Ricky confirms this fact and the fact that the track was also listed on the actual CD itself and it says “Superwoman.”

13. Steve the Lizoidian (28:57)

Emma has the results from the listeners about whether Frazier or Steve was correct. The results so far are unanimous that Steve is correct. Coming up soon, Steve’s celebrity relation and Ricky’s three tracks for a compilation.

14. Steve’s Celebrity Relation (31:44)

Another listener faxed in with some evidence against Steve, he has a vinyl copy of the R.E.M. album and it has the track listed as “Superman.” Thus Ricky declares Frasier the winner. Steve will not settle for those results; he is fed up that Ricky will never let him win. Steve then reveals his celebrity relation, his second cousin is Sara Dallin from Bananarama. Ricky wants people to call in and prove Steve wrong again, but Steve asserts that she was in his mother’s wedding.

15. YOU FAT IMBECILE! (34:50)

Ricky thinks Steve has been proven wrong without a doubt by Little Boy Frazier. The R.E.M. version is a cover of a song by The Clique and that song was called “Superman.” Steve doesn’t care what the track is called when it’s done by The Clique, and he continues to assert that he is right. This leads to a yelling match between Ricky and Steve that ends in name calling. After they’re done arguing, Ricky fades out and plays his three tracks.

16. Steve Cons the Government (37:14)

A partial link of an anecdote by Steve where a woman came round to his place to ask him if he was claiming money while working. Steve couldn’t believe his luck and he and Ricky talk about how he tried to woo her.

17. Getting Quite Tearful (38:01)

Steve cannot relate to the lyrics from The Smiths track “Two lovers entwined pass me by and heaven knows I’m miserable now.” Steve wonders what Ricky will do when he gets sacked. He was making progress in learning the desk and speaking with proper grammar but Ricky’s not worried, there’s always Capital.

18. There Must Be Some Highlights (38:51)

Ricky tries to reminisce about their highlights since they started in September but he can’t think of any.

19. 15 Minutes To Go (39:17)

Steve believes that the people who listen to their show are more likely to spend money on meths rather than radios. While they’ve been on the air they attempted to launch Penis Puppet Theater and help Wesley Willis’ career. If Ricky’s going down, he’s taking Sturgess with him, so he plays the fake ad she recorded for them.

20. Police Have Combed the Area (41:50)

Ricky and Steve stick around to annoy Matt Johnson while he reads the news. They would prefer fun, Two Ronnies style news stories with witty puns. Ricky also takes the opportunity to ask Matt if they can libel the dead.

21. No More Smut on the Radio (42:57)

Ricky and Steve say goodbye and they wonder what they will do with themselves when they get sacked. Probably back to the pub.

Quotes

Steve: They’ve spotted that you’re quite a fat and uh, talentless man.

Ricky: Cause you’re like a lizoidian as well.

Steve: I’M NOT WRONG!
Ricky: IT’S CALLED SUPERMAN!
Steve: ONLY BY THE CLIQUE IT’S CALLED SUPERMAN!
Ricky: NO!
Steve: BY R.E.M. IT’S CALLED SUPERWOMAN!

Steve: THEY CALL IT SUPERWOMAN, YOU TOSSER!
Ricky: How are you spelling that?
Steve: That’s S-U-P-E-R-W-O-M-A-N. YOU IDIOT. YOU FAT IMBECILE!

Playlist

The Smiths – Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others
Supergrass – Lenny
Pulp - Do You Remember The First Time
Catatonia - Road Rage
Blur -
Skunk Anansie -
Terrorvision -
R.E.M. – Superman
Electronic – Getting Away With It
Gomez – Get Myself Arrested
Babybird – If You’ll Be Mine
Robert Pollard – Make Use
Swervedriver - 99th Dream (edit)
Radiohead - Let Down
The Smiths – Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now
David Bowie - Heroes
Lou Reed – Satellite of Love