07 December 2002

Xfm Series 2 August 2002 - August 2003 List of episodes

Episodes: 24 August 2002 (Transcript) 31 August 2002 (Transcript) 07 September 2002 (Transcript) 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of') 21 September 2002 (Transcript) 28 September 2002 (Transcript) 05 October 2002 (Transcript) 12 October 2002 (Transcript) 19 October 2002 (Transcript) 26 October 2002 (Transcript) 02 November 2002 (Transcript) 09 November 2002 (Transcript) 16 November 2002 (Transcript) 23 November 2002 (Transcript) 30 November 2002 (Transcript) 07 December 2002 (Transcript) 14 December 2002 (Transcript) 21 December 2002 (Transcript) 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of') 04 January 2003 (Transcript) 11 January 2003 (Transcript) 18 January 2003 (Transcript) 25 January 2003 (Transcript) 01 February 2003 (Transcript) 08 February 2003 (Transcript) 15 February 2003 (Transcript) 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of') 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of') 08 March 2003 (Transcript) 15 March 2003 (Transcript) 22 March 2003 (Transcript) 29 March 2003 (Transcript) 05 April 2003 (Transcript) 12 April 2003 (Transcript) 19 April 2003 (Transcript) 26 April 2003 (Transcript) 03 May 2003 (Transcript) 10 May 2003 (Transcript) 17 May 2003 (Transcript) 31 May 2003 (Transcript) 07 June 2003 (Transcript) 14 June 2003 (Transcript) 21 June 2003 (Transcript) 28 June 2003 05 July 2003 12 July 2003 19 July 2003 26 July 2003 02 August 2003 09 August 2003 16 August 2003

07 December 2002 features Karl's screen test for MTV. Ricky and Steve 'educating' Karl, alongside the usual Educating Ricky, by reading him two fictional stories which demonstrates how gullible Karl is when reading internet material.

Track Listing

For a complete transcript of this episode see 07 December 2002/Transcript

1. They Won't Even Press Record (0:00:00)

Ricky gives Karl a hard time for being both nervous and complacent about his MTV screen test. On Good Friday 1930 there was no news.

2. A Good Way of Promoting This Show (0:02:32)

The boys play a Pixies song which was already played in the last half hour. Karl's been busy multitasking and doing his best, but Steve's not sure it's good enough. Ricky and Steve berate Karl for appearing on Zoe Ball's show throughout the past week. Karl has some new segments ideas: Celebrity Fact Club and Through The Rick-key Hole.

3. Win The Best of the Weather (0:06:36)

Steve runs through this week's Rockbusters prizes, which include the video "Wild Weather", and Karl gives the clues.

4. Do We Need These? (0:11:21)

Karl's mum writes in with her third attempt at writing Rockbusters clues, and we get a peek into the kind of chat Karl has with his parents. The Life of Mammals program on in the week gives Karl the idea for a show he could do on MTV, 'Do We Need These?', which would feature animals like whales and jellyfish and be interspersed with animal-themed music. Bison are the weirdest looking things you've ever seen.

5. Annoyed That They're Not True (0:18:24)

Karl's distracted because the MTV lady is there. Ricky and Steve present Karl with 2 pieces of "news" they've found in the week.

1. Due to the Data Protection Act, companies are required to grind up all their silicon chips after use and some of these grains made their way to a bay in New England. Over time they began to notice that the crabs behaviour was changing and the crabs had taken on silicon and were starting to form geometric patterns. They decided to do some investigation and due to the way in which a crab's brain works they were able to draw out images from the crab's brain. As Ricky describes "you could release thousands of them onto enemy beaches and it would be like thousands of digital cameras". The story concludes with Ricky explaining to Karl that the baby crabs which came a few generations down the line had exactly the same memories as the original crabs as well as memories from their own childhoods.
2. A 7-month pregnant female body builder woke up one morning to find that her baby had been born (or as Ricky describes - "pushed itself out of her vagina") during the night without her noticing, the baby was very strong due to the hormones the woman had been taking and was pulling the woman down the bed using it's umbilical Karl's incredulous that the baby could be pulling the mum along. He's heard a story about babies being born without intervention. Ricky reveals they've made up both the stories, and Steve suggests Karl might learn from this that he is a bit gullible. Karl's got his own Educating Ricky headlines, which did happen. The headlines are: Don't Rub It Too Hard You'll Get A Rasher, Enough Is Anus, and Wool It Like A Bloke Or A Woman?

6. There's a Bloke Who Reads Arses (0:30:55)

In case Karl gets put on VH1, he practices introducing a song by Genesis. Ricky chooses the anus story for his first Educating Ricky, which detours when Karl explains how he was picked to serve biscuits to old people when he was a kid, because he had good nails.

7. 1 in 10 Rams are Gay (0:34:40)

Karl's conflicted about trying to interview for MTV whilst doing his proper job. Maybe if he had "Zane" in his name it would help. Next Ricky chooses the wool headline, which refers to research where scientists have found that there is something in ram's brains that make them gay or not. Karl goes through some info that didn't make the top 3, including a woman who's boyfriend finally proposed and her hair fell out from the shock, and a woman who smuggled a lizard onto a plane by wearing it as a hat. An email has come in from Richard Anderson, in which he now seems desensitised to the show.

8. If Things Are Meant To Be, They'll Happen (0:42:05)

Karl's screen test is over, and he's resigned to the outcome. He's not prepared for promotions in the past, like in Little Donkey when he went down a storm. Maybe he doesn't want to be on the telly because of his dad's mocking him as a kid on stage. Karl doesn't think he has the look for VH1. In the week he learned the origin of the phrase "flash in the pan", which might be apt. Ricky tries to fake out Karl again with a story about a card trick Derren Brown did at Jonathan Ross's birthday, but Karl's not having it. Ricky and Steve mess with other trite sayings, to Karl's annoyance.

9. Tom Gibbon of Bloxhall Road (0:50:07)

Karl's fed up and gives the Rockbusters answers. Steve gives the prizes this week to a listener whose name and street he likes. Tom's got a question about how to get rid of slugs, to which Karl advises putting stamps in his garden. Karl knows how to outwit Derren Brown's trick about which hand the pound coin is in. The final Educating Ricky is about rubbing bacon grease and brick dust on actor's faces. Karl's annoyed that he just bought a flat in Central London if he gets the MTV job in Camden. Karl wants to do more than music on MTV and tries out a film review for The Elephant Man.

10. What a Great Day (0:58:59)

Ricky recaps the show, and Karl assures first-time listeners that it's normally better than today.

Quotes

Karl: Don't get down if your eyes are bad.

Karl: (on The Elephant Man) The first time you watch it you'll probably cry a bit. The second time you watch it you will probably think - boy that would be bad having a head like that being picked on - the third time you are probably thinking, er, how does he get his jumper on, er, then dunno probably bored of it the fourth time. But, but it's well worth watching.

Rockbusters

That'll never get off the ground. L.Z.
That woman's got her husband's gloves, and a pair of her own. H.H.
You'll get a right load of bacon off them. L.

Playlist

Richard Ashcroft - Science of Silence
Pixies - Debaser
Wu-Tang Clan - The Gravel Pit
David Bowie - Drive-In Saturday
Coldplay - In My Place
The Streets - It's Too Late
The Cure - Lovesong
Oasis - The Hindu Times
Radiohead - Let Down
The Hives - Hate To Say I Told You So
Feeder - Just The Way I'm Feeling
The Undertones - Teenage Kicks
The Libertines - Time For Heroes

External Links

• Wild Weather on Amazon.co.uk
• YouTube audio clip - Woolit Like Fellas or Women?
• The woman with a lizard on her head